I hope that those who have replied to me to my other post titled " i am at my Crossroads" have gone back there to read my reply esp JR, Rose and Resilient......thank you for your words of encouragement and i still hope to hear from you some more.<p>This post is regarding something serious....my H has caught an STD from me bcos of my A.....this is so bad now that i am suicidal....i dont know what else to do except make the appt with the doctor....i cannot begin to tell you how much i know that this hurts my H and with this new development, he still says that he knew this would happen and thathe still loves me and that its no big deal cos he has had this from a girlfriend years ago.
I have not stopped crying since he told me and i hate myself more now....i just want to crawl into a hole and die. I hate myself.
My H and i have also just had another disclosure session where i finally admitted to more things that i have kept from him ( i hate it that i have selective memory and that i delete whats not impt to me from my mind, only to realise later when its too late that it IS impt!) that i started not to use a condom with the OM towards the end of the A. Then there was the disclosure that i gave OM a little gift whilst in the A and that i have been close to OM's mother as well.....these were things that i kept from him until tonight.....i need help before i do something stupid to myself....<p>I am numb to anyone's bluntness now so if you have anything to say, please do. i am not worth anything now.....i dont know what to say to my H and i cannot see him cry anymore....
i can only think of bad words to describe myself now.....i am messed up....( i know this sounds like the 'poor me' take on this....but i guess i dont know anything else) [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi there,<p>I am glad you are telling H the things he needs to know, but hon, you need to tell it ALL, right NOW. Why? Because as little things (to you) crop up along the way, they will put your H right back to sqyare one, every time, and he will feel like it is D day all over again. This will impede his recovery, and also he will not trust you, because rather than see it as the fact that you don't want to hurt him, he will see it as lies.<p>Okay, so talk to him. Find out from him exactly what he wants to know, add the things you think he really SHOULD know, and open your heart and soul to this courageous man who loves you so much. Trust HIM enough to still love you after this.<p>Oh yes, expect some anger, tears hurt, etc. BUT, if you tell him everything right NOW, you will never have to worry that some things are going to get out. Neither will he. And his heart can begin to mend.<p>I am speaking from experience. My H told me bits and pieces, actually he had to, because I snooped and found things out. EVERY time I was told something new, it broke my heart all over again.<p>For the sake of your marraige, tell him everything.<p>love and light, <p>Jacky

Truth hurts but it can also heal. Getting the truth out means you are heading down the right path. <p>Now listen C, your H was exposed to STD previously? Unless you are a doctor, don't be jumping to conclusions and making life changing decisions in your frame of mind. Both of you need to go to the doctor's ASAP. Make an appointment for next week. Tests take a couple of weeks to show up and then you work with it from there. <p>Get with a counselor ASAP also. You need to be stabilized with the tools (support, doctor, medication,etc). Your H is being supportive? You are having it easier than most but I know you can feel real guilty. The purpose of you to feel guilty is so that you stop the bad practice, once you have completed that, more guilt becomes unhealthy. At what point are you at now?<p>L.

Orchid is right...if you are still feeling like you want to hurt yourself, get to a hospital immediately. They can give you something to help you feel better...right away.<p>Take a deep breath...everything is going to be okay. You two will go to the doctor, get treated and you'll be fine. <p>Your husband still loves you and since he's a great guy, he must be right! <p>Take care, let us know how you're feeling soon, please.

Hi CPLS-ww,<p>This hurt you're feeling is all a part of healing. You're finally revealing your darkest secrets of betrayal to the one who's the most important to you in the world. It is natural, and I think it's a good thing you feel remorse and grief .. BUT, you shouldn't think you're a bad person or think less of yourself. On the contrary, you are now redeming yourself by being radically honest with him and most importantly YOURSELF .... THIS IS GOOD STUFF, not bad!<p>Please don't be so down on yourself, PLEASE! We're all human, we all make mistakes. It's when we face them and take responsibility for them that we begin to become better people.<p>I would think after the grief and hurt subside, all this should be freeing for you. No more secrets to carry around. You're doing the right thing. You've done something that's VERY hard to do. Be proud of yourself for having the courage to allow your H to make his own decisions, you just released him from your perceived control. Respect his decision to stay and work on the marriage, he loves you flaws and all. You're blessed.<p>Lv,
Jo<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

OK .... take some breaths and try to relax.<p>Do you have family nearby? Do you have a family physician? Do you have a clergy person to talk with?<p>I think you need some professional help .... and I am speaking to YOU personally, not in reference to saving your marriage.<p>You may be suffering from post-traumatic-stress-syndrome .... or you may have some type of chemical imbalance ..... but there is no question in my mind that you are suffering, and have been suffering before all this blew up in your face.<p>Get serious help. There are people trained to listen, to diagnose, and to treat just about anything.<p>Get help.<p>This site is wonderful, and if used properly can be really helpful ... but, it does not substitute professional diagnosis and treatment.<p>You are in crisis. If your house was on fire .... you would call the fire department ..... Your LIFE is in crisis .... call a professional.<p>Today!<p>Love and prayers ....<p>Pepper/Yesterday

Compulsive--please change your name. Tell the truth and then change your name. God has done that to some of his favorite people. You are at a moment of healing and renewal. You are at a wonderful place, "the dark before the dawn." This is your time to make decisions that will affect your future and help you to become the person you were meant to be, not the compulsiveliar you think you are. Hold on. I've been there. Get a close friend who will believe your state of mind, who will stay with you (a female or a family member.) Talk it all out. Have them write or you write. Just hold on. I'll check on you tomorrow.
Love and Prayers also.

The worst thing you can do to your H and to you, is to hurt yourself via suicide. The grief your H is experiencing right now because of your affair, is nothing compared to the one he would experience if you did yourself in. Do you want that?<p>Follow the advice already given and seek professional help immediately.<p>I want to be here to read about you and your H's recovery. I want to be here ,when the day comes, to read about how much joy you and your H are experiencing in your new M.<p>God bless you and your H.<p>Joe

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by compulsiveliarww:
<strong>...my H has caught an STD from me bcos of my A.....this is so bad now that i am suicidal...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yep, that's pretty disgusting, but you are still making this all to be about you, aren't you??? Suicide, to me, is the most selfish act there is on the planet. When, when, when will it stop being about you? WHEN?<p>No amount of medication or therapy will change your behavior. It starts with you making a quality decision to respect yourself more and consider your great worth in God's eyes. If you don't seek fulfillment in Christ, you will still go out seeking attention from men and you already know it is not fulfilling cuz you have been engaging in risky behavior for a while.<p>Your H may or may not be able to forgive you, but God forgives and there is hope for your situation. Keep praying and keep the faith!

Compulsive,<p>Just take a minute to think of all those people who live everyday of their lives in pain. Or those who are terminally ill and have no choice but to die. And how many of these people would love to live another day. You should appreciate the value of life and learn to appreciate that which you have then you wouldn't be so quick to throw it away.<p>Maybe this is also what led you to your As - you never appreciated the beauty of the marriage that you had.<p>Slow down compulsive, take a minute to look out the window. What can you see? Can you see the blue sky? Can you feel the warmth of the day? Can you hear the birds chirping? Isn't that one of the most beautiful gifts of life that you've been given? <p>What you've done is wrong but it can be healed. And you owe your H something, you owe him your undying love, your honesty and your committment to the marriage. Anything else is not good acceptable.... <p>think, compulsive, think...
- Freddy<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>