the cavalry is here...I hope...<p>You need meds, no questions asked. You need some form of exercise, take a walk to clear your head. Try to have someone around as much as possible. I didn't have the benefits. Sometimes, just getting your mind off the situation and having fun will help immensely. Do something fun with your H. Maybe you don't feel like doing anything and can't decide what to do...let your H decide and do it anyway. Go through the motions and try to let go of the problems. You are not worthless, no matter how hard you try to be. You are wallowing in self pity right now and you need to do something good. Try doing something that you enjoy doing for your H, that you know he will appreciate. The point of this is not to make your H feel good, but for you to feel good about yourself.<p>Next, those were practical suggestions...now, I want to ask you of your spiritual state. I want you to know that God loves you more than anything and as much as anyone else. Wrap yourself up in His love, and stop RIGHT NOW the beating yourself up. Your are His precious treasure and He won't allow you to abuse yourself this way. Besides, if you can't take care of yourself, you can't help your H to come to terms with everything. <p>And, have you thought of your new name yet? (Reference my post on your discovery of STD.) Do you want to choose or be named by someone else? And does anyone know if this is customary and if it is acceptable? Does anyone else mind if she changes her user name?

hoping4future....here i am! I am sorry for not replying earlier to your post but i have had another disclosure session with my H this evening and its funny but i never thought i could say this....it felt good telling my H the things i did tonight...<p>I didnt wake up till very late bcos all i wanted to do was sleep and i know that thats part of being depressed bcos i have been clinically depressed a while ago and was on medication so the feeling was familiar.....but when i looked at my H and the pain in his eyes, esp with the STD thing, i broke down and knew that had to tell him what was eating me up inside since....i told him about the withdrawal that i was going through and that i missed the OM and that i have been thinking about him and everything that came with him, the partying, the friends, the lifestyle....and how it feels as if its been taken from me. I also admitted that the letter i wrote to the OM about never having contact with him was the hardest thing i ever had to do bcos i never had to do something like that before....and that i feel so sorry for causing everyone pain...everyone who was involved in the A and esp my H.<p>After all that, my H was just so wonderful bcos he didnt lose his mind (though i expected him to) and i promised him that i will protect him and his heart from this day forward. I know it sounds like i am saying that just to make him happy....H4F, i truly mean it bcos everytime i think about the OM now, i think about the tears in my H eyes and the pain he is going through bcos i see him going thru it everyday.<p>I am going through a rollercoaster of emotions now bcos when i am alone, i think about who i have been and what i have done and i cannot stop myself from being angry at myself for causing so much pain to the people around me and at the end of the day, to myself. I will not consider suicide anymore bcos its not an option. I will get professional help and with the new week ahead, i am hpoing to get all these things done to start the ball rolling....i just feel so helpless whenever my H has that sad faraway look in his eyes, knowing that he is thinking.....<p>Tonight we went and played some eight-ball (one of the many recreational activities that we enjoy doing together) and it has helped take our minds off everything, even if for a couple of hours....i love doing things like that with him and i should start thinking that way bcos no matter what has happened, my H has always been my best friend and i have to win back that best friend again.....<p>I will change my username and i have thought of one....Genevieve....my actual name. But before i do that, i am willing to hear what anyone else including yourself, have to suggest. So i await your reply on that....<p>By the way, you suggested that i have a friend with me, female of course, but i have to let you know that the few girlfriends that i have right now have all played a small part in facilitating in my A bcos all of them knew of my H, 2 of them knew i was having the A, but no one advised me against seeing the OM. So another promise i am making to myself is to be very selective with friends from now on.<p>i look forward to hearing from you and i thank you ever so much bcos my H and i were discussing what we thought about this forum and we both agree that if not for everyone's support and kind words here, we would not have lasted this long.....so thank you!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

What a beautiful name you have. Do you know its origin or meaning? (I don't, just asking.)<p>Good move about your friends. <p>I really do think you are on your way. (I lost my post and am trying to remember what I said.)<p>I just wanted to tell you to take it easy. If you wear yourself out, you will be susceptible to temptation. And, remember, overcoming is a process. I have been battling my cravings for chocolate for years now. Recently, I ate some and the next day, I sank into depression. I definitely think there's a relationship. Again, just the other day, I started craving it. But I thought before I asked my H to get me some. I thought, "The craving isn't that bad right now, and if I eat some, I will be depressed tomorrow, and then I will perpetuate the cravings. Do I really want to do that?" I answered no because it has been a lo-o-o-ong struggle. I hope this helps if you face temptation again. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]