This is my first post. I need help and advice.
I have been married for 13 years with a beautiful daughter. We were married after dating for 2 years and she is the most precious warm loving person that I ever knew. We had a daughter that changed our life because of a devastating birth of child with a severe cleft lip and palate. We alway carry the hurt with us but we found the best surgeons and now have a thriving friend-filled little girl that is loved by everyone. I love them both with all my heart and soul. I felt the emotional pain that my wife experienced was harder than what I felt and I always was the strong supporter for everyone. But I had eventually felt something was missing (emotional closeness, common interests, physical intimacy, just plain old subtle differences in what we wanted out of life. This made me grow more alone and I soon found that my pain subsided with a job that kept me on the road. Together we made significant income and created the perfect life. But at the core we I felt emotionally distanced because of our mutual need to sooth our pain from the unknown future of our daughter and mainly because of the lack of passion and intimacy that I felt I wanted. Now the **** part....<p>I travel often and one year ago I met someone in one of the cities I traveled to. It was physical attraction at first and eventually I learned about her life and began to feel closer and thought this person filled the void that I was missing (passion, intimacy, eventually close friendship and oddly - a mutually professed soul filled relationship). I led her to believe that my relationship with my wife was soon collapsing and that she was not a homewrecker. She always believed me when I told her she wasn't going to be a homewrecker. I know she is such a wonderful caring and loving person and that an affair with a man that still had hope in his marriage was nothing she would want to be a part of. But I wanted her and she fulfilled so many parts of my life that I felt was missing. But she has a complex life, 3 kids, a huge custody battle that I helped finance the attorneys for - most men would probably walk. I guess I felt I would not hurt anyone although the risk was there - I was just nieve while I was having my wild escapades. But this relationship was with a person that has a big heart, would not want to hurt anyone, does not want to be a homewrecker. I misled her and this relationship consumed me because I was able to travel so frequently and my wife just accepted the travel part of my job. She never thought that I could ever be the kind of man to have an affair. That made it easier. She did nothing but love me and I kept looking for what was missing and when I found it - I took the plunge. I love my wife and I fell in love with this other person. How does a man fall in love with 2 women and how do I let go of one or both of these relationships? I am caught in a spiraling double life. But I know I don't want to lose my wife or my daughter. <p>But the inevitable happened last night. I came home, a trail of trips and calls led to further discovery by my wife which led to a confrontation with me when I came home. I could have denied and lied - but I didn't. I told the truth. I even gave some details thinking it could help - but it dug me into a further hole. Lots of tears, lots of pain, lots of emotions, lots of devastation. All of this is going on as I write this note.<p>I love my wife, I cherish my daughter, I want everything to be like it was and I feel like I want to keep my marriage fix the hurt. I only want to be honest. But I don't know if its possible. At the same time, I developed a relationship with this other person that lasted a year and even had thoughts of a future. Now the result is I have devastated my wife but I asked her to let her and I work this out together as we keep this issue between us for now and not let our daughter be affected or even know anything is wrong. In the end - everyone will be hurt. If I want the marriage to stay together - I hurt my lover. If my marriage cannot be repaired - I have disgraced all of those that saw my wife and I as the model couple. I'm afraid of hurting anyone and never intended to hurt my wife. What was I thinking - Actually I wasn't thinking. Brief fun turned into a private silent sick relationship driven by me because of what I was searching for and found.<p>Well here's a long story - and I'm rambling but I have to post my experience and would love to hear some advice on what I could do now. Should I seek a counselor, should I plan on staying away, should I look for another job that doesn't make me travel, how do I break off this relationship, how do I convince myself that I want that broken off because is has consumed me in the last year.<p>Please offer some help to a good man that is lost and needs to make the right next moves.<p>Thanks

Faketoughguy you've come to the right place because there are people here just like you that have gone thru almost identical situations and have not only survived but were able to do what many consider to be the impossible and that is rebuild their M's. So don't despair because help should be coming right around the bend.<p>As far as your questions are concerned
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
Should I seek a counselor, should I plan on staying away, should I look for another job that doesn't make me travel, how do I break off this relationship, how do I convince myself that I want that broken off because is has consumed me in the last year.
<hr></blockquote><p>The answers to the first three are YES. The answer to the fourth is by writting a letter to OW breaking all contact with her. And the last answer comes straight out of your own mouth <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
I love my wife, I cherish my daughter, I want everything to be like it was and I feel like I want to keep my marriage fix the hurt.
<hr></blockquote><p>Joe<p>[ February 17, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

Thanks justanotherjoe for your advice. It seems so hard and cold to just write a letter - how do you take the first step and register that that someone to go and then take action. I suppose there has to be a lot of thinking. Or is that the only way to stop the OW ... by just writing a letter. This relationship has lasted a year and I am having a hard time hurting anyone again after last night. Of course - I'm sure everyone will reply and say there is no greater hurt than that which my wife experienced last night...What am I in for?

Welcome faketoughguy...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>Do start on a Plan A...
Check out my post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>You really are in for quite a bit...
...but if occupy yourself with ways you can Plan A... you can make it.<p>Do check out the links in Notable Posts/Threads... for some ideas.<p>Do seek counseling... ASAP...
I would recommend that you have a couple of telephone counseling sessions) with Steven W. Harley or Jennifer Harley. Check out the Counseling Center... and for some specifics... Fees for Counseling Services and Scheduling an Appointment (888-639-1639)! Also check out the post looking for a counselor&#8230;..zorweb/K&#8230;..5/11/2001<p>You have my prayers.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

Faketoughguy,<p>You have many decisions to make. You are going to have to get off of the fence and make them. Decide on one or the other (if your wife is willing to try and save the marriage).<p>Something else that came to my mind is this......I strongly feel that even though you feel that this OW is everything you were looking for in a relationship...it is not so. You two did not live together and your relationship was not based on reality. You always had the excitement of being away and then coming together and enjoying a relatively stressless (no daily grind) relationship. Sooner or later (if you two were to be together permanently) the newness would wear off....just like it does in EVERY marriage. <p>This is a big ole mess you've gotten yourself into and the people you love are going to be hurt no matter your decision. You are not being fair to your wife, your daughter, your OW, or yourself. Now is the time to step up to the plate and make some HARD decisions. <p>If your OW doesn't want to break up your marriage (as you say) and if she TRULY and HONESTLY loves you....I'm sure she will understand when you tell her you have been lying to her from the beginning. If you want to work on your marriage, I'm sure, that by her TRULY LOVING you, she will accept your decision to stay in your marriage, if that is what you choose. She may not like it and I know she is going to be hurt but that is one of the consequences of adultery.<p>I want you to remove yourself from this situation and not personalize this next question I am going to ask you........<p>What type of woman would involved herself with a MM, even though he says his marriage is on the rocks and almost over? <p>Certainly she isn't looking out for your best interests. Certainly she isn't worried about your dignity and honor. She is helping you deceive the people you claim to love. She has helped you participate in this betrayal no matter what you have told her about your marriage. Is that really something a kind-hearted woman would do? NO matter what you told her, she is no innocent in this situation. She knew full well that you were married and chose to enter into a relationship with you.<p>Something else to consider.....there comes a point in every marriage where the spouses just don't *connect* on every issue...and many times the spouses don't *connect* on many issues at all. That is where REAL love comes in......do we give up and look for a quick fix outside of the relationship or do we love our spouse (and ourselves) enough to do the work it takes to really love? What society tells us about marriage is soooo very different from reality. L*O*V*E is romanticized in every medium I can think of......and the romanticism is only the SMALLEST part of true love. Love is work, it is dedication, it is doing the right thing even though you may be tempted otherwise, it is putting someone before yourself because it is in that someone's best interest. It is taking the *high road* when you really want to take the *low road*.<p>I truly hope you will be able to find the answers you are seeking and that you will make decisions grounded in reaity....you've already had your fantasy time.<p>selket<p>P.S. I was also a WS and my husband and I have been rebuilding for several years.

Hi fake ~<p>If you want your marriage ~ then you must start by protecting your wife. Her protection has to come first before EVERYTHING, including the OW.<p>Trying to protect the OW is a slap in the face and very disrespectful to your wife. I understand that you love OW - but - although you tried to take all the blame yourself - the OW *knew* she was involved with a married man, regardless of what you told her about your marriage.<p>You made choices, the OW made choices - and those choices resulted in your benefit and her benefit...at your wife's expense. Your wife wasn't given a choice in this.<p>So if you want to truely make this right - your wife's protection and needs must come FIRST before everything and everyone else. Period.<p>Can you call the Harley's for help through this?

All very good advice above.<p>Let me just say a few words to help you appreciate that you aren't alone in the world...<p>My wife could be writing exactly what you wrote. I've been an observer, sitting here in our situation now for nearly 6 months of "Plan A" (read up on that on this site, or in "Surviving an Affair" - an excellent book for all, by the way). And from observing, I know she feels and thinks all the things you've said for yourself.<p>The big difference here is that you seem to be in a position to make a real decision to BETTER YOUR LIFE. I.e., get yourself out of a destructive cycle, and onto the road of recovery.<p>In order to do that, you need to set your feelings aside for a little while, and USE YOUR HEAD. I know, I know - that seems so "unfeeling". Why should you ignore your feelings? Because feelings can change - reality rarely does. And the reality is you have a wife and daughter who love you, and who never deserved to be in this situation. You can make it right, and your feelings will follow - trust me.<p>You know, for me as a betrayed spouse (BS), I feel it's my duty in life now to talk to people about these issues. If I can help just one person realize that there is a better path in life, then maybe my pain and agony will not be in vain.

Thanks for all your advice. This will not be easy and it's been a rough 24 hours. I just went on an interview for a job close to my home in muy quick attempt to find ways to keep me grounded. We are protecting my daughter from this but I also think that I will have a hard time letting go of OW. Every minute is a new emotional experience for me - I never intended to hurt anyone and this is the most painful experience I have ever had. I have to be honest with OW and would advise all "loving" spouses to avoid the temptation because of the result that I now have to work on. <p>I called OW last night and told what happened and I believe she suspects that I have more feelings for my wife than I led her to believe - I know that she feels like the homewrecker - Her and I always talked about this and she made it clear that she wouldn't not break up a family - I misled her and let her know that she wouldn't. What a fat liar I am. She advised me that my wife and I need to sit down as adults and discuss everything with the best interests of my daughter as the priority. She told me she would be by my side and support me because our friendship. And I suspect that one option to her is that our relationship could end. <p>OW doesn't know that I want to save my marriage - I always led her to believe that my marriage was eventually breaking down. She has her own situations and although she didn't feel right about this relationship with me - she is also married to a man that she does not have a relationship with anymore - And I guess we were two people that were in similar situations and didn't want to let go of what was becoming wonderful. I was continuing to drift away from my marriage and now with this discovery - I feel drawn back to it - is it guilt, is it ignorance of the pain I could have caused and now reality hits, is it because I'm insecure, Is it because I was taken advantage of,... It all seemed like a separate world and I liked it. <p>I know I have broken my wifes heart and I guess I always thought - actually I never thought seriously of the consequences - I feel like the worst man in the world to do what I did to some very innocent loving people that looked to me as their pillar. I must save this marriage because although I had this relationship with OW - I feel that my network of family and friends that I built with my wife are the core of my future. The sad part is that my wife and I never had an argument or blow-out in any of the 16 years I've known her. My marriage was beautiful and I have destroyed the last 16 years of trust and devotion because of a massive mistake I made one year ago. <p> I thank you all for the direction you've given me. For those of you that were victims - I appreciate your advice. As for me - this is the most lost and painful moment in my life. I just want to assure my wife that I love her and want to protect her - But I just want her to love me like she has the last 16 years and I know that may not ever happen. Is it really possible to renew our relationship and have her look at this as a male mistake because I was a [censored] and got caught up. What a mess!!!

Faketoughguy,<p>One of the most loving things you can do for your wife right now is to be very OPEN and HONEST with her. You may not want to answer many of her questions because you feel she will be hurt by your answers. This is not the time to protect her from truths about yourself that you don't want to reveal. Let her decide what she needs to be protected from. You took a huge choice away from her by having an affair...now give her a choice of what she needs from you right now. Trust your wife enough NOW to open up to her. Protecting her is very different from misleading her or not giving her the information she needs to process this situation.<p>The cold hard truth of the situation is....your OW didn't want to break up your marriage yet she was perfectly willing to put hers on the line. She was helping you disrespect your marriage vows and your spouse while she was disrespecting her own. She also didn't look at the fact that she was driving another nail in the coffin of your "dead marriage". It also tells me that you were her "ego boost on the side". IOW's- she didn't want to break up your marriage because she has her own to deal with. She wanted you right where you were....her secret.<p>What is done is done. Now you have to arm yourself with as much information as you possibly can and take steps to regain some amount of self-respect. <p>Do the tough thing.....stand up and be strong. You've hidden from the real problems in your marriage for long enough. You've hidden feelings and thoughts that would have best been out in the open. <p>At this point I would like to mention "feelings".....DO NOT RELY NOR GIVE CREDIT to your feelings at this point. You have been living off of your feelings for long enough. Feelings are fleeting. They are up one minute and down the next. Reread your responses and see just how many times you referenced *feelings*. Now is the time to put your feelings aside and use your head. THINK ABOUT THIS. Use logic! Many times, really loving someone involves going against your feelings. Being *in love* is not love. Your feeling will get you in a world of hurt (as you are seeing) Being *in love* is an phase of obsession. If you truly love your OW you will cut your contact with her right now and let her get her own life and get her marriage straightened out. By having an affair with her you are stunting her growth, not to mention your own. You are doing what I referred to ME doing while I was having my affair. I was smiling in my MM's face while twisting the knife I had inserted in his back. I was not loving him I only felt like I was. I was helping him run away from the problems that HE HELPED CREATE in his marriage. I most certainly WAS NOT nurturing him and helping him be a better person. I was greasing his ego and giving him a temporary band-aid for his real problems. Not only that, I was actively participating with him in disrespecting his wife, his family unit, my husband, and my daughter. Very unloving, indeed.<p>Please understand, I am giving you advice from someone who has "been there and done that". I know all too well what you are feeling right now. <p>Also, please know that there are people who go through their whole lives searching for "love" (feelings) and bypassing real love all along the way. <p>selket

Yes I believe a counselor will be able to help you come to terms with your situation. <p>You had asked how do you break off the relationship. Although it has consumed you for the past year, do you feel that you don't love your wife any longer? Do you really feel that you love with OW? I know you have feelings for both of them. Can you separate the two WITHOUT comparing them? <p>I believe that we can all find faults in this person and find great things in that person. But sometimes I think people do that to try to justify his/her own actions. If you think back, do you feel like you have done this? Have you ever caught yourself feeling guilty and then sort of talked yourself into feeling good about it by finding faults in your wife?<p>There is one main question that you need to answer, and understand that you may not be able to answer it right now. Just think about it. You said you do not want to lose your wife. Do you mean that? Because if you really want to keep her, then you have no other choice but to let the other go. You MUST do that IF you want to have any chance at all at repairing your marriage. <p>Don't fool yourself. There are no easy answers. BUT you will find a way. Unfortunately there will be a great deal of pain, for all of you involved. And if you and your wife decide to work things out, it will take a lot of time to repair the marriage. Things will be different and the road will be long. However it CAN be repaired. It isn't impossible. If you and your wife do NOT work it out, there will still be a lot of pain. Neither of you will get over this overnight. She is going to experience a plethora of emotions. She will be sad, angry, frustrated, confused, upset. Some days will seem great. And then others will be just awful. Be prepared for a lot of hard work. Both women will feel these things.<p>Yes, a lot of hard work is what it will take.<p>If you opt for counseling, which I think is an excellent idea, seek to understand why this happened. What things could you have done differntly? Why did you fall? <p>I think you have come to a great place to start working on this. There are a lot of people with similar experiences.<p>Good luck to you. <p>Love,
Clear<p>how do I break off this relationship, how do I convince myself that I want that broken off because is has consumed me in the last year.

Hey toughguy... to add more...<p>"OW doesn't know that I want to save my marriage - I always led her to believe that my marriage was eventually breaking down. "<p>Think about this. If you can't be honest with her, why are you so confused? You started this relationship with telling a lie. There is no way things will ever work EVER when it is based on a lie. Eventually it will get the best of the relationship. And everyone loses.<p>"She has her own situations and although she didn't feel right about this relationship with me - she is also married to a man that she does not have a relationship with anymore - "<p>If she does not have a relationship with him anymore, why is she with him? There is no excuse. Do you think it's possible she was giving you the same line? How loving and kind hearted is someone *really* when they are cheating on TWO people?<p>And I guess we were two people that were in similar situations and didn't want to let go of what was becoming wonderful. <p>Ask yourself, wonderful in what ways? <p>Yes it WAS a separate world. But was it REALITY? <p>You may be drawn back to your marriage because you now realize just how serious this is. You could actually lose your wife now. Reality has set in.<p>Were you taken advantage of? Do you really need to ask this? I don't think so. You made a mistake. That doesn't make you a terrible person, so please don't take it that way but you cannot place the blame of your actions on anyone or anything else. Only YOU are responsible for you and no one else. And only SHE (OW) is responsible for HER actions. You cannot take the blame for her role in this situation because you lied. She knew full well the situation. She knew you were married. She's married. Accept no excuses and make none. It will not help.<p>How do you cut off contact with the OW? Ooh, this will be tough!!! Incredibly difficult. But you MUST do this to make things work with your marriage. <p>A letter may seem not so personal but something has to be done. You cannot change the past. What's important is what is in front of you right now. You must own up to what you did, and then do whatever it takes to make it right. There is no such thing as a friendship with this woman. NONE! Do not even give yourself the option. It will not work. And you could ruin everything. If this woman truly loves you, and if she is in the least bit a true friend, she will step back and leave you alone. Delete all emails, delete her address from your address book, forget her number, block her email address, block her phone number... WHATEVER IT TAKES! <p>I REALLY and sincerely hope you will be able to make this right. But you must forget her and don't look back. Having no contact is difficult. And it will be for a while. But it gets easier. It DOES!!! <p>Sometimes I like to live by this 20 minute rule. If/when you are having a difficult time - whether it be depression, no contact, stress, WHATEVER, give yourself 20 minutes. Get through those 20 minutes. At the end of those 20 minutes, if you still need it give yourself 20 more. Eventually the 20 minutes get shorter and less often.<p>Also, instead of spending your energy on her, spend it on your marriage. There is no way you can work it out at home while your mind is elsewhere.<p>Accept what you have done, own up to it and make it right. <p>Again, good luck to you.<p>With much love,
Clear

I have a problem now. I had much guilt over the last 2 days. I built this other relationship for over one year. I am having a hard time thinking of letting go. I believe I want to save my marriage. I spoke to my daughter last night and her voice sounded so sweet. My wife told me that she is disgraced but took a vow and will need me to openly tell her everything about how much I spent and that I needed to cut things off with OW. <p>I helped OW from a suicidal state because of some bad things that were going on at that time in her life when we met. Her 2 of 3 kids were with grandparents. She lost her daughter to a custody battle to grandparents because of an unjust situation - no need for details on this. Just trust me on that. I brought her back to life, I gave her positive momentum, she's devoted to me because of how I helped her, and now our relationship became closer and closer. The other part is that during the relationship - I felt my wife and I were in a marriage that was missing so much. I developed this A and actually believed in a future. OW continued to press that nothing is done until her custody battle was done because of the stress it was causing her, she also wanted my daughter to not be hurt because at the age of my daughter (11) - she would be the one that would be hurt the most. I have 2 women in my life - both with good minds - my bs is hurt - my ow is counting on me - everyone is innocent. I honestly believed, in retrospect, I did not mislead ow but believed I could carry on for a long time as I consider my options. <p>Now I am having a hard time letting go. My wife is seeing a marriage counselor today. I am talking to Steve on Monday and possibly seeing someone local tomorrow. I guess I'm not sure what I want to do - or I think I know what I want but don't want to lose everything.<p>Any advice here?

You're talking to Steve? That's a great, great starting point. Good for you!<p>I know this isn't going to be easy, but you're between a rock and a hard spot. You realize now that you CAN'T go on living a double life - the jig's up dude!<p><soapbox mode="on">
If you fear the future, ask yourself where your greatest regret will lie. I don't know how many years you've invested with your wife, but my guess is it's far more than the 1 year with OW. That's only one factor, but it's bigger than you think. Even though you think the M was bad during many parts of that time, you do have a shared history - and a potential. And you do have a D who needs a family.
</soapbox>

Hi,<p>I am joining in to share just a 'few' thoughts. This may be another perspective to help you through this crisis time. <p>1. Your moral, emotional and ethical obligation is to your family. <p>2. You are not obligated in the same way to anyone else. There are many people in this world that can make you feel like the OW did. You just met one. <p>Based on the above, you need to realize that what you gave the OW, you actually stole from your family. That is why your guilty is showing. <p>What you gave the OW is not a bad thing in itself (helping someone in need) but how you did it and where you stole it from is wrong! Therefore, you have commited a crime against your family. That is the mindset you need to keep in front of you to help you through this crisis. There is no physical jail/judge or jury that will indict you but you will still bear the guilt because it is self imposed. <p>That was harsh and I apologize for the bluntness but that is really what it is and you needed to see that. Now, the OW has said many heart wrenching things to you and some of it or most of it may have merit. Given that it does, you now have the opportunity to put it to the test. Let me explain. <p>In my personal experience, I met a man over 20 years ago who was 'separated' from his W. I did not know that. I worked with him and we developed an 'EA'. He was almost the perfect match. Ahhh.....the one place he did not match was that he 'lied' to me about his relationship with his wife. He then came clean with it and was persued by another co-worker. The triangle became a quad and I no longer wanted to be inolved. I did love him deeply but the nagging thought in my mind was that he was not faithful to his family (his W had an OC while he was in the Navy and he was having a hard time excepting that - she lied and said it was his but the tests showed otherwise)...... So to get out of that mess, I told him that if he really respected me as he said, he needed to stay far away from me. This included that when he saw me he would cross the street and walk on the other side. <p>Well 10 years later we met. He was with a woman at Costco and I was there with my baby. We saw each other but never said a word. He did respect my wishes enough. The feelings came back quite strong. I looked at my little child and kept saying 'I love my husband and I love my child' the rest of the time I was in the store. I saw him looking for me at the checkout. <p>Small incident? No. I had to go home and reinforce my decision. I do not regret it. The point is that if this relathionship (your A) has all the respect that you think it has, then out of that respect you can both move on separately. If one does not respect the other, then the real OP's personality comes out and you better be glad you can leave now before the hooks sink in permanently. <p>Now, I am not the WS in my situation. My H is. He did not believe the OW had little or not respect for the sanctity of marriage. Ahh....but it was truly visible to all who kenw what was going on. Then the OW dropped one of her many bombs......she accused my H of commiting emotional adultery on HER because he choose to come back to his family....... the story goes on but I hope you get my point. The real selfish reason for having and continuing the A reared it's ugly head and a moment of truth was revealed. <p>Hope this helps....... You and your W do have a chance as long as both are willing to seek to understand, get help and make the needed changes on each other's part. <p>Take Care,
L.

FTG, hi again...<p>You said "I helped OW from a suicidal state because of some bad things that were going on at that time in her life when we met... I brought her back to life, I gave her positive momentum, she's devoted to me because of how I helped her, and now our relationship became closer and closer. "<p>I want to tell you something and I hope you do not take it the wrong way. I mean this to help you. You are NOT her savior. NO ONE is. NO ONE will ever be her savior. You did NOT bring her back to life. That is not true. <p>I know because I was in a serious suicidal state. I stayed in a mental hospital. I planned my suicide. And ya know what was one of the worst things I ever did? It was to put the responsibility of "fixing me" and my happiness on a man. Not just ONE man, but all men that I became involved with. I always thought he was "The One". Until I realized he didn't make me happy. Then on to the next. <p>I just want you to know that you are not anyone's rescuer and to think that you are is very unhealthy for you, your marriage and ESPECIALLY the OW. I don't know if she has been in therapy but if not, it would probably be very beneficial. You are not responsible for "fixing" her and you never did "fix" her. This is not really what has happened. What you are as Selket said, is a band aid. There is no one in this world that will pick her up and fix her. Only SHE can do that. And whether you know it or not, you are contributing to her downfall. You are contributing to your own downfall. And you may realize one day that this was not worth it, that you lost your wife, perhaps lost your OW and then where will you be?<p>Her support system should not include you. And your support system should not include her. I KNOW you are confused. But if you have no intentions of having no contact with her, you need to leave your wife now. She didn't have a choice in this. And simply because you know she wants to work it out does not give you the right to continue to have contact with the OW. <p>If you do NOT leave her (OW) you are facing a very real possibility of losing your wife forever. If not in the physical sense, definitely in the emotional sense.<p>Just MHO of course.

Wow Selket. I can't wait for the day when my WW comes to realize what you do. Your spouse is so lucky that you know that it was not love. I so hope my spouse gets to there some day.

{{{{Longing}}}}},<p>I will pray for you and your wife. I know that you are very hurt right now. Your wife doesn't realize what she is doing. It's so easy to be instantly stroked and gratified and "feel" that it is love. Believe me, I know. <p>You know, I have always felt a special....oh...I don't know.....something.......for husbands who are betrayed by their wives. I see my husband in all BH's. I see the pain and the utter devistation that I wrought on my own spouse. <p>You know, I honestly think that money isn't the worlds problem......love is. People search for what they think is love while throwing out with both hands the real love they have. the sad thing...they have no idea what they are doing. Your wife is confused....she is acting off of "feelings" and not off of reality. I will pray that she has a realization...because not only is she hurting you, she is also hurting herself.<p>If you ever need to talk about any of this with a WS-Who-Is-No-Longer, I will be here.<p>much love and support to you,<p>selket

I strongly believe you did not find what you were looking for with OW, you found fantasy.... fantasy is easy... real life and real committment is the challenge.. real marriage.. that is what you had / have with wife.. .thoughyou have made a big mess... <p>I hate this pain.. I am the betrayed wife.. I know your wives pain. You must do everything you can for your wife, and your marriage to restore it, you ower no obligation to the ow except to end it, she has known you are married, and that makes her part of the crime... she probably suspects you are lying about the roughness of your marriage.. although you have made any marriage problem wors e and worse by what you have done to your wife... I am saddened for you.<p>Dive in to saving things, and work hard to prove your true love to your wife... and true love from a husband does not mean lying , cheating, and feeling for other women, you know this.<p>Say goodbye to your sick fanstasy.<p>Good luck.

So you saved your OW from a suicidal state? That sounds real nice, but do you realize that in doing so you may have pushed your wife into such a state?<p>The closest thing I have ever experienced that begins to compare to the agony I felt when I discovered my husband's affair was when I was sexually violated. That's right. It feels like you've been raped, like someone you trusted completely just reached into the most precious part of yourself and left behind something nasty and shameful.<p>I spent weeks in a daze, thinking about how wonderful it would be if someone would mug me, beat me to a pulp, and leave me for dead. I would be driving along, thinking how cool it would be if I were to have an accident because then they would hook me up to a bunch of machines and I wouldn't have to THINK or FEEL anymore hurt. I had to literally talk outloud to myself about why getting a knife from the drawer in the kitchen and causing my own blood to flow was something I shouldn't do, and the only thing that convinced me not to do such a thing was the squirming baby growing inside of me.<p>Let me tell you, honestly, that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy what I had to endure during that time! No one should ever have to go through something like that.<p>So please don't tell me how wonderful you were in giving to your OW the attention that your wife needed and deserved and was promised all along. You weren't doing anyone in this situation any kind of service, least of all yourself.<p>How do you let go?<p>My husband acted as you did when I first discovered the affair. He, too, wasn't SURE of anything. He asked me to, get this, live in a house with him but have seperate bedrooms, so we could endure our legal seperation for a year prior to MAYBE filing for divorce. He said he wasn't sure what he was going to do...<p>So I made my own choices. I couldn't and wouldn't SHARE my husband. He could be my husband or not, but he couldn't be something in between. He had to CHOOSE, dammit. And when he told me again he wasn't SURE, I left.<p>Right now, you have to do the same thing. You have two women here, and I will wager your FEELINGS for this OW are based more on the make-believe fantasies of "someday" you played with her. Your wife is REAL. All the "maybe"s you imagined with that OW? They're already right there in front of you! You've had them all along!<p>Your wife deserves so much better. At the least, she deserves YOUR ALL, not some limited version of yourself. You have allowed yourself to become a shell of a man. Don't you want more of yourself?<p>NO CONTACT is the only way to go. It is the only way for you and this OW to truly get past this event. Your wife is not being mean, selfish, or cruel by telling you this. She is asking for you to recommit yourself to her. She is giving you a CHANCE. You can drop the ball or grab it up and run with it, but it may be the only chance you have!<p>My husband picked up that ball, admitted he'd screwed up and asked for another chance. I can promise you that my husband is much happier today than he was a year ago!<p>Blade

Yes Blade, a chance. Faketoughguy, Blade is right. Your wife is giving you a chance. A lot of people would not do that. Don't blow it!!!<p>Love,
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