I've been in Plan B for 6 months, my WH is living with the OW. I went to Plan B as soon as he refused to give up his friendship with her (still an EA at that point I think). So really he didn't have all that much of a chance to say cruel things to me, but he did manage some whoppers in a short period of time. The one that hurt me most though is what he told a friend. That I have nothing to offer him (WH) either mentally, physically or emotionally. That I am nothing to a burden to him (I'm disabled with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome).<p>What words from your WS hurt you most? <p>Evensong

Hi Evensong,
My WH is also living with OW and also refused to give up his "friendship" for the sake of our family. The cruelest thing that he said to me was "you have no right to tell me who I can be friends with and there is no way I am going to stop being friends with her...she is the only one who I can talk to" It was hard to swallow and I told him if he is unwilling to let go of his friendship then he had two weeks to move out. Well, he moved out and moved in next door with her!! Not exactly what I expected (I guess that would be the cruelest think he ever did!!)
BH

I'm trying to forget all the cruel things that my H said to me in the past.<p>But just to let everyone know that there is hope....even after your WS has said the most cruel things to you....here is what I remember.<p>
1. I was not worth staying for.
2. He couldn't stand the sight of me.
3. Couldn't stand to be in the same room with me.
4. I was a manipulative BI&^H.
5. He wouldn't consider ever coming back to me. Even if the OW wasn't in the picture.
6. He questioned my parenting abilities.
7. Everything was always my fault.<p>
The most cruell thing he ever did was to constantly invite me up to where he worked on his lunch hour when he was still involved with the OW. They ha the same lunch hours. That was the thing that made me feel the most humiliated.<p>My H now says that the things he said he never really meant. It was a way for him to feel better about himself and what he was doing.

The cruelest? So many, but two of the top ten were:<p>

• You'd make a horrible mother
• I never wanted to have kids with you

<p>Jo<p>[ February 17, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Here are some of the cruelest things my H said:<p>He said he loved the OW in a way he never loved me. When I told him I just wanted to be loved by him, he said how are you going to do that, by being better than her (OW)?<p>Then he said I don't have the qualities he is looking for now in a woman and doesn't think it is possible for me to have them.<p>Then he said she (OW) has this mature confidence in her sexuality, yet I am childlike and innocent!<p>He doesn't care about the commitments we made when we got married, they mean nothing to him.<p>These really hurt!

OK, I jsut heard some of the meanness so it is fresh in my mind!<p>1. I am a bit++
2. I am fat
3. I am crazy and everyone is laughing at me because I cannot control myself.. even my parents are laughing at me, he said. (Becuase I lied to my parents about one night I went out with him, becuase they were watching my kids.. and they would not of watched my kids if they knew he was with me.)- then to help him with that... last night actually I told them I was with him,a nd asked for their help and they did watch the kids.. they are getting more accepting.. but no he is isn't.. of me... guess he can just go without me... it is really horrible to love him isn't it?
4. He has never been happy in our marriage.. crushing as I have loved him always with all my heart and thought he felt the same for me.
5. He still love me, not like a wife anymore though.
6. I am bad wife.
7. I can't clean house right.
8. Do not tell him I feel bad, or my back hurts one more time... (I am suffering from back injury for 2.5 yrs.. and he obviuosly does not like this.)
9. I am a bad mother, bad skills in being a mom.
10. Basically criticizing everything about me...
11.. I will suffer a consequence for my actions, everytime he gets mad at me.. he inflicts a punishment on me.. and guess what - it is usually sone stupid reason.. like opening my 3 yr. old valentines.. sent from his dad... big deal!!???<p>AND I married this man because he treated me better than anyone I had ever known in the world??/<p>Do they ever go back to who they used to be?<p>Hugs, HONEY

I know I should probably start to put these to bed, but I'm not there yet...<p>Top 5...<p>5. "If I leave and hate it, can I come back in 6 months?" (Pardon????! Talking about insulting.)<p>4. "He's not better than you, just different." (Gosh, if he was at least better, it would make more sense, wouldn't it??!)<p>3. "Our love was an immature love; he and I have a mature love." (Pardon????!)<p>2. Attacking my family - anything she perceives as even slightly irritating became a big deal.<p>1. "When I thought about us having kids, I was excited about telling our parents; when I think about having his children, I'm excited about telling HIM."<p>
Thankfully the fog-talk has died down over time. I think not LB'ing even in the face of this garbage has helped. She's supposedly thinking more with her head. We'll see.

I told my H that I'd never really loved him...not like I loved the OM. I told him that I'd never felt with him the way I'd felt with the OM. I told him...the lowest thing I think I ever said...that if anyone DESERVED an affair it was him. I was..needless to say...confused, hurt, and very angry.

I cringe to read what your WSs said to you. It does make me realise though that it's a common thing for them to do. <p>Evensong

My H told me that he was in love with OW#1 (after they had 'officially' been seeing each other for maybe 2 weeks). I questioned how he could fall in love so fast, and all he could tell me was, "I didn't think it could happen so fast either". [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I can actually laugh over that one now. That's good. That means I'm healing (it's been just over 1 yr since he said that to me). He admitted to me at the start of our recovery that it was just infatuation (the 'excitement' of something new) that made him THINK he was IN love with her. He now understands that being IN love with someone is NOT butterflies and goosebumps.<p>I was very fortunate in that my H NEVER said anything bad about my mothering abilities. If anything, that was the one GOOD comment I would get on a regular basis.<p>The things all of your WS's are telling you is straight from the official fogese dictionary. They all say the same things (almost to the exact words - especially the "I'm not IN love with you anymore" line), and almost always forget they ever said those things. <p>You WILL get over their fogtalk. I wish for you to shrug it all off soon and laugh about it when you're ready.<p>Karen

Hi - I can't believe that all of you have heard these things from your WS's. I thought that mine was delusional with the things he said to me - here are some I can remember:
-OW is the most considerate person he has ever known
-OW doesn't ask or expect anything from him - she knows "how" to love him unconditionally
-he now knows that he likes only certain body types (OW is 100 lbs) I was 105 at the time.
-when he was waffling he would say that she has waited so many years for him - and I've only been waiting a few months
There were so many more - and now as divorce is almost final, 3 years after D day, he is still saying the same things. I'm so glad some of you have heard your WS say that they never meant those things - what I would give to hear just an "I'm sorry I hurt you". I wish I had found this sight a long time ago - but most of you out there have a real chance - I can just say, don't do what I did - plan A and plan B but most of all- set your boundaries right away - and stick to them - I didn't until it was too late!
Carebear

He called me a c*nt and sympathized with my ex-H ("no wonder he left you!"), and this took place maybe 4-5 years BEFORE the A. Why? Because I was grieving my recently deceased grandmother and not catering to him.<p>I should have left then. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Since the A, he has railed about things I did or didn't do DURING the A, as if I owed him ANYTHING while he was doing that to me!!!!! One of those was when I neglected to fix him dinner when my parents were visiting from out of state and my mother had to go to the emergency room because of a back injury. (Keep in mind that during all that time I was unwittingly doing such things as handling and laundering his clothes soiled with his and OW's sexual debris.)<p>I felt bad about it, and the next day bought him a little gift. After D-day, I learned that he had gone straight to her and talked trash about me for being such a bad wife as to not feed him. What IS it with guys who are so helpless they can't manage to feed themselves? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have since burned that little gift.<p>Probably the #1 cruelty was giving me an STD, and then after refusing to allow me to contact OW to advise her to be tested and treated, behind my back telling her himself (after swearing over and over that he was maintaining NO CONTACT) and then a couple weeks later (?) telling me that she tested negative and accusing me of giving the STD to him. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Should have told him to go straight to hell that time.<p>I just don't see how one can ever have a fulfilling R with a person who would do such things.

Oh, forgot this:<p>I recently came across the birthday card he gave me last year during the A, and here is what is says:<p>A Promise of Love<p>To My Wife,<p>As long as forever I'll stay by your side
To be your companion, your friend and your guide...<p>As long as I live and as long as you care,
I'll protect and I'll cherish this love that we share...<p>As long as forever, my heart will be true,
For as long as I live--I'll love only you.<p>Happy Birthday
Happiness Always<p>(and then the following handwritten)<p>I love you,
H<p>After D-day he blamed me for not knowing he was having an A, that I "should have known, it was so obvious".

One of the last times I was intimate with my H. he was staying on base. I went out to talk to him about our family, my love for him etc. etc.<p>He asked me to seduce him to prove that I loved him. It was getting really late and I still had to get party favors for my daughter at Wal Mart. We ended up what I thought was making love--I was so lonely and hurt that I really wanted to be with him. He couldn't climax and after awhile we were just lying there holding each other.
I glanced at the clock and mentioned that I had to go get Kaitie's goodies for her class party the next day. He jumped out of bed and yelled at me "She would never do that". He threw my clothes at me and "I have serviced you, now get out". It was unbelievable. I was totally crushed.<p>A close second was on our anniversary. We went to a movie the night before. He was very remote and distant--in fact, we went to see Pearl Harbor. At the end of the movie we went home (he had moved out 2 months before) and we talked for awhile. He acted agitated and then asked me if he could spend the night--did I want that. Well, I was surprised and hesitated...so he jumped up and left really quick. The next day, our anniversary, he came over but totally ignored me. He took my son out and bought him a $200 bike. They were gone all day. They got back home about 4:30 and he still ignored me. My daughter had an academic awards banquet that night that he was supposed to take her to. I was so hurt tho--that I had to get out of the house. I gave him the anniversary card and stormed out of the house. When I got home-- I dropped my daughter off at a friend's house--my H. had put the little kids to bed, cleaned up the kitchen and was waiting in the dark in the living room. I told him we needed to talk..he jumped up-stormed out of the house, got in his truck and backed up. I walked out after him and he yelled at me that if I came near him he would get out of the truck and walk to his hotel. So, I just stood there and he left. I was in tears. I went in and went to bed. Under my pillow was the card I had given him for our 21st anniversary. He had crossed off his named on the envelope and written Patty on it. Inside, opposite of where I had thanked him for the night before for the date and the movie and told him how much I still loved him and hoped we could work through this....he wrote.<p>"Patty, my passion for you has died. Last night was ok...but nothing compared to my new love. You need to accept this and move on. I do not want to hurt you...but I no longer love you". <p>I could describe more....but I am realizing that the way he tried to destroy me was emotional abuse. And he did this off and on whenever he was having an affair. I realize now that he had no right to ever treat me as he did....and I am not sure how I will ever forgive him this time. Sorry this was so long....but I have put so much of these situations out of my head in order to survive. In the last month or two---I have been replaying them in my head at night---almost like nightmares. I think it is my way of healing---how sad tho.

I was told that he never loved me, never loved me when we went to the altar, and will never love me.<p>Hows that?<p>I was called a bit*h many, many times.<p>I was pushed on the ground.<p>I was told that he loves the OW, she is the only one he loves, and she loves him unconditionally.<p>I was called a liar and stupid. <p>He has apologized for some of the things, I accept, but it still hurts, to see the way his face was, the anger, hate, venom coming out of his mouth. Those pictures are still clear to this day in my head. Once just a few weeks ago, H got so angry, shut up out of his chair, and I thought oh no its going to start again. It didn't, but there still is the angery look on his face, and if eyes could kill.<p>Like the Harleys said, these comments are in the fog. My H did all the classic statements, and more. This is the most horrible action a BS could ever be faced with. The WS does not realize the damage they have done, does not realize the hurt they caused, and does not realize that the BS is the one who loves them, the OW is only there for a short period of time, wait till the fantasy wears off and real day life hits them in the face.

Hmm... I have a few. <p>- You don't deserve a faithful husband.<p>- Why can't you be a cool wife and let me go out at night? <p>Soon after dday#1, he barged into the bathroom while I was in the tub. He was upset that I had taken the kids to a friends bonfire party without him. Anyhow, he looked down at me and spit on me, said I was a real b***h for what I'd done to him, (yes, I'm the BS, NOT the WS)that he should p*ss on me while I was down there.<p>He also said that his first ONS happened because I didn't "put out" enough, and so what did I expect. <p>Snow

As I sit here with tears in my eyes...tears for all of us...and I wish I could change my username once again because I don't want you to think there's something wrong with me for still loving an H who could say this:
"She cares about me". Yeah, well, I guess supporting you thru 18 jobs in 15mos, thru the first anniversary when you went out and got drunk with your buddy instead of coming home, the foot you put thru my car window, the 4th of July when you threw food and broke dishes all over kitchen (I still don't know how he got Dr. Pepper on the dining room ceiling)and I was on my knees until 4am cleaning it up...yeah, I can see how that shows a lack of care.
"I should have known better than to get involved with a fat b*tch like you. P-p-porky Pig." <p>"I love you but I'm...." c'mon, everybody here can finish this one...we've all heard it.<p>And my all-time favorite:<p>"One night with Michelle was better than a whole year with you." Obviously an opinion she didn't share since she never called him after that one night.<p>He has said some of the cruelest things BUT I will have to say that I made him leave after those first 15months and since he has come back, he has stopped lying (I think, for the most part), destroying things, has held a job and doesn't say the mean things anymore. One day, I'm gonna get him grown.<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>

bump....just curious

My heart goes out to all of you and I now realize that things could have been much worse. My husband said very little following D-Day (it was a non-emotional 4 month affair). I think he realized that he could say things in anger that could make things worse. He basically listened to me, let me be angry and vent, and spoke about "us" not "them". The worst thing he said to me after I pushed him for information was that the OW was the biggest turn-on he ever had in his life and she gave him things that he needed that I could never give him. <p>His emotions, feelings, and words that first month post-affair changed frequently -- I came to the conclusion that he did not know what he was feeling and needed time, just as much as me, to sort things out. Although it was frustrating at the time, I am so glad that my husband handled things this way, and when we did sit down and started talking about the actual affair and "them" that he able to do so without the anger
and attacking me.<p>Hugs,
JJ

The crulest thing my WS said to me was<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>You used to be pretty, you used to be smart, You used to be able to talk to people, You used to be interesting <hr></blockquote> <p>My personal favorite, [q]I hate hurting OW, she doesn't deserve this[/q] and she was the one to make the 1st moves [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Now the curlest thing my WS did, I have to say ispack up our home & have shipped back to the states without telling me. Now granted I knew this might happen but for him to do it and then inform me was a real shocker, oh less not forget the email where he asked the OW to fly over & help him pack up our house. lucky for both of them she declined, not from good taste but she didn't have any vaction days left [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]