Ok. I really don't know where to begin, but I am hoping that a lot of people may be able to give me some advice from their own personal experience to help get me, us through this.
I cheated on my boyfriend. Not once, but twice..with someone that we both know.
Let me start from the beginning.
We started living together about 3 years ago and we have been together for 4 years. Our intimacy level was pretty high before we moved in together and about 1 year after that. Then we started having sex less and less...about once a week or maybe once every two weeks. I started to go crazy. I couldn't understand what was wrong. I started to become so hard on myself...I began working out and dieting so intensely and consequently lost 15 pounds to become very lean and nice looking (so people told me). Anyhow, I was working at a gym during that time and met another guy who was just my friend for a couple of months.
Granted that throughout a period of 6 to 12 months, I was asking my boyfriend what was wrong..why he did not want me, why we have no intimacy, what was wrong with me? He became very bitter and we started having less and less sex because he said that I was nagging him. I started to HATE myself and consequently pulled away from him even more. I spent more time at the gym and away from him. Then the other guy that I knew at the gym started to show me that he was interested in me...flirting....asking me to go places with him. At that point, ANY attention from a male was greatly appreciated and I started to hang out with him more and more often. Well, my boyfriend started to notice that I was changing and I guess got scared and became very intimate with me...but it was too late. I had already developed "feelings" for this other guy and was so frustrated from being rejected SO MANY times that I had become angry, bitter, sad and sexually frustrated myself. I was intimate with the other guy, twice.
Eventually I told my boyfriend because one of his friends had seen me and the other guy together in my car on the way to the foodstore. My boyfriend was 99 percent sure that something was going on. I told him everything....I mean everything. This guy and I were not safe..we did not use protection..and I told my boyfriend that. My boyfriend was sooooo upset...and I don't blame him, I really don't. But he wants to only blame me. When he is mad at me he calls me a whore and this and that. I want to say back to him that maybe if he was a little more attentive and loving, I would have not done what I had done. I never say anything. I revealed all to him about 5 months ago. I sleep on the floor every night since and he gets the bed. He is super jealous and if I don't pick up my cell phone he automatically thinks that I am with someone else.
It is very rough...but we decided to try and work things out.
He told his mother, so she is mad at me.
Granted, this is NOT in my nature...I have only been with one guy (now two)and I have always condemned cheating at all costs. NOw I am the cheater and I hate what I have done. I have quit the gym (where I met the other guy) and have put on about 15 pounds. I have nightmares about what I did. Now, my boyfriend really does not want to touch me, and I dont' blame him.
I went for the std tests and the hiv tests and they all came back negative; i just went again after the first tests 3 months ago.
I cannot forgive myself. I have not had contact with the other guy in months, ever since the whole thing happened (it took place for about 2 weeks-i had a 2 week affair).
Please give me some advice.... I am desperate and so upset.
Sincerely,
Spiders
