Hi all- new to this forum. Guess I'm looking for advice. Been married to my husband for 7 years- can't have children (me) and been through 4 years of infertility treatments. Worst experience of our lives. Says he loves me and doesn't care, but I don't feel that way. He's never been very physical- not sure why because I'm considered attractive and haven't gained a pound since we met (5'5", 105lb). He, on the other hand, has gained over 30lbs, so I'm to the point I don't find him attractive anymore. I'm also the main breadwinner in the family. He does work and has a steady job, but I'm the career driven one.<p>So now I'm wondering what holds us together if we don't have a "family", not much of a physical relationship, an unequal financial relationship, etc. And, he doesn't pay attention to me. I've given up.<p>Found a good man 15 years my senior who wants to give me the world. Problem is he's married too w/kids. We both feel guilty, but we're so happy together. More evenly matched goal wise, career wise, and intellectually. <p>Is there ever an easy way to decide whether to pursue a new relationship or just stay in an unsatisfying marriage?!?!

Anna70,<p>Before coming to the forum and asking for the kind of validation that you are asking for. I would suggest that you go thru this whole site and read all yes ALL of the information contained within this site, you will probably find the answer you are looking for between the info that you read and your own heart and head.<p>Stating your question the way you have on a forum that is here to build upon marriages you are bound to get some flack. Don't run off, that is not what we are saying to you, you are not only effecting your marriage un happy that it maybe, but you are also effecting the OM's wife and childern, is that something you should be able effect, leave the married man alone and let him put his marriage back together if it can be healed, and work on your marriage or disposing of it and looking for something or someone else (not being the married man).<p>I do want to welcome you to MB and tell you that if you find a post from redhat he has a number of welcome links and info in his signature, that will help you navigate the forum. I do mean sincerely you are welcomed to be, just know that we do not always agree and we don't have to, we are all different and need to be able to stat our own opinions.<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Anna70:
<strong>Hi all- new to this forum. Guess I'm looking for advice. Been married to my husband for 7 years- can't have children (me) and been through 4 years of infertility treatments. Worst experience of our lives. Says he loves me and doesn't care, but I don't feel that way. He's never been very physical- not sure why because I'm considered attractive and haven't gained a pound since we met (5'5", 105lb). He, on the other hand, has gained over 30lbs, so I'm to the point I don't find him attractive anymore. I'm also the main breadwinner in the family. He does work and has a steady job, but I'm the career driven one.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well Anna I've kinda been on the other end of your shoes before. While we didn't have fertility problems my WS was a surrogate for a couple that did. The hormones and medications that she was on and off for 5 of our nine years of marriage really took a toll on us. They also gave her a false sense of how she felt about me, how I felt about her which in turn put a wedge between us. The final "cycle" of medications and pregnancy followed by the loss of the baby put her in a depression pretty deep that I'm sure you're probably feeling. Well she hooked up with the OM 18 years her senior who also promised her the world. After an EM of 2 months and a PA of another month I found out. Let me tell you, once his wife found out all those promises and feelings he supposedly had went out the window.
And the tag lines that "our situaton is different" or "you just don't understand" or " if you met him you'd see" just don't fly. He is an older man who see's you as a conquest and will discard you once the situation gets to tough to handle. As for your husband do not rip his heart out as mine has done to me, because when my wife realized what she had done and saw through the fog of how much "I was" there for her and that she truely did love me and not the dreams of the OM, the damage had been done. Now we are trying to work on our marriage and I will always have the knowledge and images of my wife sc__ing another man embedded in my memory FOREVER! They can never be erased ever and I don't know how strongly I can emphasize forever. So if you have any feelings left for your husband and any doubts think about what you will do to him by continuing this affair.
My wife also is the carreer oreinted one but by her choice I work fulltime nights and take care of the home and children but I love what I do and wouldn't trade it for a "job/career" that paid just brought in more money.
Also my wife who swore to me that she had too much respect for me to ever cheat on me rationalized the affair by saying that "you would do anything for true love" which she thoughtshe had.
Darryl
dskef@hotmail.com<p>[ February 17, 2002: Message edited by: dskef ]</p>

dskef,<p>I am very sorry for the pain that you have endured, It is not fair!!<p>You sound strong and that you have a plan on working for the recovery of your marriage, good for you I ask God's blessing on your endevours!!<p>Dawn

Thanks Dawn,
It never is fair. But I've been told all my life that life isn't fair you just have to deal with the hand you've been dealt. And as you know it isn't easy! I've got two great kids from this marriage who mean the world to me and I wouldn't change anything for that.
Darryl

Dawn & Darryl-
Thanks to you both for your heartfelt comments. I'm so glad I posted my thoughts yesterday...before I did anything stupid to wreck my marriage. I admit that I was very close to taking that leap to be with someone else. I was beginning to rationalize why I should do it. Maybe the fact that I was looking for websites that talk about rebuilding marriages is a positive step. <p>I took Dawn's advice and started reading what was posted throughout the site on making marriage work and how infedelity can devistate. There's alot of info, but was well worth my time to read it. Of course, there's still much more to read. And Darryl, thank you for sharing your story with me. I felt like you truly understood what we're going through with the infertility- the drugs, hormones, etc. and it never seems to lead to positive results. <p>I don't know if I can ever get back the closeness I desire with my husband, but I know I should at least tell him how I'm feeling before I go behind his back to be with someone else. I guess that deep down I know I wasn't raised to act this way, but temptation is a strong force. <p>Again, thanks to you both for sharing your thoughts with me. It truly meant alot to have an objective opinion- not one from my potential OM.
Bless you both!

Hello Anna. You said something very smart. You said you should talk to your husband. YES!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>COMMUNICATE!!!<p>Chances are, he doesn't really know how you feel. <p>If you do decide to have an affair, I want you to understand that there will eventually be a world of hurt for everyone involved. There is no good excuse in the world for starting the A. None. Healthy relationships do not start this way and if you think you are unhappy now, boy you DON'T want to see what happens in affairs. It would be good for a while ~ just like ALL relationships start. Remember when you first met your H? You had some of those very same feelings. <p>When you married your H, you made a partnership, a team. As 1/2 of that team, it is your responsibility ~ as well as his ~ to do something positive about this.<p>Does it really matter that you make more than he does? Does it really matter that you cannot have children with him? Of course it matters to you personally, but does it matter to the marriage? Are you saying that you will not be happy with your husband if you cannot have children? And will this be possible with that OM anyway?<p>I think you are looking for an excuse to try to justify your feelings. Be strong lady! Don't do it. If you don't love your husband, deal with that, but don't have an affair. It ISN'T the answer.<p>Love,
Clear

Anna,<p>I am happy that you listened!! (Can I adopt you?)
Clearview gave you some very smart advice...communicate with your husband, good things can and will come when you talk with him.<p>I do believe that you were looking for someone to tell you NO!! don't do it. And you found Marriage builders, a wonderful site, that you and your husband can work through together, to make your marriage stronger. Please keep coming back and asking questions and sharing the things that are going on in your lives.<p>I am glad that I was able to be the person to say NO!! You were right the OM wasn't really to help he has a very narrow outlook.<p>
God's Blessings to you and your husband.
Dawn

Anna,<p>I've said it here on these boards before, and I'll say it again: As a person of conscience, the only thing I can think of that would be more painful than being a BS would be to be a WS. This pain is worse than any other I have experienced (and like WAT and perhaps others here, I have lost one child to death and others to abduction), and it is at times simply unbearable.<p>However, I would gladly feel this rather than to carry the burden of having inflicted this magnitude of pain on another human being, even my H who one would think "deserves" it. It appears you are already in an EA. If you value your peace of mind at all, make a U-turn immediately. If you stay where you are or go further down the road you're on, you will be responsible for the misery of at least 6 people--your BS, the other BS, at least 2 innocent children, the OM and YOU!<p>I think you're probably resourceful enough to find a lighter load to carry. Be creative. Seek productive alternatives, not destructive ones.

Anna, (my lil sis is named Anna)<p> Please listen to these good people. I cannot find words capable of describing the pain of being a betrayed spouse. If you have loved ones that have passed away, you might be able to take the pain from that and understand, if you multiplied that pain by 1000 percent. And even then you would have to realize that the pain takes MUCH longer to lessen.<p> Please, if you are unhappy with some aspects of your husband, TELL HIM. Give him the chance to make changes. If he is stubborn like I was, leave him for a time. This would likely be all it takes to get his full attention. Once he fully realizes what this means to you he will get it. He will do the work needed to recover your love and marriage. <p> But even if he doesn't. Nobody deserves to be betrayed in this manner. Divorce the man and move on to a SINGLE man. <p> Please go to the just found out boards and see first hand the pain of an affair. You will find that pain here as well, on GQII. <p> I cannot claim to understand your pain. Your own personal turmoil at the state of your life. But what you are considering is not the answer. This will only make your life be in a worse kind of hell.<p> I welcome you to this site. Hope you find what it is you seek, without destroying the person you fell in love with and married.<p> jd<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</p>