I was on another board for more than a year. There were some changes made and those changes were not a positive thing for my growth and this board was recommended by some of my friends from that board, who also post on this board. So that's how I happened upon this sight. <p>A little about me...<p>I am 31, divorced, no children. I suffer from depression that can probably be linked back to an abusive childhood. As an adult I have had a string of unhealthy relationships. One of my biggest problems has been the fear of being alone. I have never been able to leave one relationship until I have another one lined up; USUALLY that has meant that I found someone else while still dating the current "boyfriend of the month" (expression... I didn't really have a new bf every month). I have been not so honest with my mates. On the flip side, I have been cheated on, lied to, deceived as well. My ex husband is an alcoholic (among other things). I was with him a total of almost 7 years. He was very abusive, both physically and mentally. We separated in '97. Since then I have had several relationships, all unhealthy. <p>Throughout the '90s I tried counseling and different programs. I always quit. However in the late fall of 2000 I became severely depressed... so much that I was planning my suicide. I really scared myself. When I realized that suicide was a very real possibility and a "solution" to my pain I went to the hospital and stayed in the mental unit. Since January of last year, I have been in therapy. I have a psychiatrist and a therapist. I have gone to group therapy, and as I mentioned before I was a part of another board that was a very vital part of my therapy.<p>My "issues" that I have dealt with in therapy have helped me to learn new thinking patterns. My therapy has taught me a lot about self responsibility. I have learned to love myself. I have learned to quit looking for others to make me happy. I have quit relying on men to "fix" all my problems. I have learned to say no. I have learned that I matter, that my needs count, that I am worthy. All these things, OBVIOUSLY, I did not have before I started therapy. <p>My last bf and I got together several months before I started therapy. After I started I realized just how unhealthy THAT relationship was as well. He was actually not the wonderful, caring, "I'll do anything for you" person I thought he was. He was unfortunately a controlling and manipulative person who stalked me for many, many months before I did anything about it. I finally got a restraining order a couple weeks ago and I am now feeling better and more relieved than I have in a long time.<p>Infidelity is a very important issue for me because I have always been a very insecure person. The insecurity helped me to jump from man to man to man to man... helped me to lie, helped me to make bad decisions, helped me to accept things I should not have. And of course it's important because I have been cheated on.<p>I have started a relationship recently. I AM taking it very slowly. This person is someone I dated a few years ago. We dated about 2 years. He cheated on me. More than once. At the time I considered him a player type. After a couple years apart, and the big mess with my last boyfriend, we have become very good and TRUE friends. I have decided to give him another chance. But also, he has decided to give me another chance as well. We were both responsible for what we each did in our previous relationship.<p>My goals are simple yet imperative to my happiness and success. I want to continue to grow, continue to learn about myself, continue to love myself more & more everyday, continue to build a healthy relationship with my significant other. He and I are both learning how to make our relationship work, as we both were very very wrong in our actions before. It is hard and we are learning to communicate in a positive way. Neither of us want to let infidelity enter our lives again. And since we have both made bad and unhealthy decisions in the past, we are really working to make positive changes and positive growth... both individually and as a team.<p>That's the short part. I could go on and on and on... if you can't tell, I'm a real talker.<p>I've been through a lot but I'm not letting it hold me back any longer. I am working very hard to keep my life in order. I look forward to meeting new friends here.<p>Love,
Clear

Bravo Clear! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It's good to see you here. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] There's an awful lot of really good information on the Marriage Builder Homepage and I've found the wisdom in many of the posts on the boards enlightening. <p>For the most part I've been feeling my way 'round, getting used to the format and tone of the boards. When I saw your post I just wanted to pop by and let you know that I'm thinking of you. I'm sure that we'll bump into each other again somewhere on the boards. Take care of yourself ... {{{{{{{Clear}}}}}}}

Hi Clair,
i a'm soooo sorry u have gone through so much,but i a'm glad to hear that u are working on you, i understand alot about the lies, deciet, ect u are talking about. my (h) has done that to me since we have been married,off and on now 10yrs. and i really understand where u are coming from in the in security area, as i a'm the same way. but since i have been in this (mb) site i a'm starting to learn alot about myself. i really don't have no advice to give u except that keep making yourself well and read all there is to read in here,as there is alot of good inf here. keep posting as much as u feel u need to and WELCOME to (MB) Cathy

Great job CLEAR<p>I am feeling warm and fuzzy seeing all the familiar "faces". I was so sad, angry and depressed the way our community was torn apart for no good reason ..... like I told D.W.W. .... it felt like another betrayal. But, seeing you post here, and sharing yourself so openly ... I just gotta say love ya Clearview<p>Pepper

Thanks Ms. Pepper! I feel the same as you. I don't know if you saw my last "good-bye" post. It's on board 31 I think in the archives. Yes, betrayal is an excellent way to describe it. I feel better than others can relate. <p>Good to see you!!!<p>Love,
Clear

Thank you ITD. Wow! It sounds like you have endured a lot! Ten years is a long time. It's really hard sometimes. When I was with my husband I struggled for a long time. I always thought that I could fix things. Right along those lines, I felt that since I could fix things, it must be my fault and I tried doing everything to make him love me... AND, he would say "one more chance please". And I'd give him one... over and over and over. I think a lot of people just keep hoping and waiting for things to be like they were in the beginning. The sad thing is, it never does. Relationships change. Sometimes for the good, and then sometimes we see the "real them". I think people are on their best behavior in the beginning of the relationship. There are a lot of good emotions going on there. Then reality sets in. And people deal with things differently.<p>Until recently I handled things all wrong. And what made it so bad is that I didn't know WHAT was wrong with me. So if I didn't know what was wrong, how in the world could I fix it!?<p>Oh I think I got off on a tangent here. I didn't mean to. <p>In any case, I will talk about anything you want to talk about. I will share what has worked for me and what hasn't worked.<p>Being insecure is very frustrating. It's like you know you WANT to be secure but for the life of you, you just can't stop it. It just takes over. There were times when I would think so much that I would start to make up things in my mind and convince myself they were really happening... OK, I don't mean like hallucinations but "Oh no! He's out with someone" or "I know he's cheating". It's extremely frustrating. I got so bad that I didn't know what to believe. I didn't trust my own self.