Dear Friends,<p>Would you please jump over to the D/D forum to help me with some questions about the BS not giving up too soon? I'd really appreciate your opinions.
Need Advice About Not Giving Up Too Soon<p>Thanks so much,
Estes

I'll reply to this, Estes. But you do know that my situation was quite severe, not your typical one timer WS.<p>Although my x-H filed for D, the Divorce itself was not to have gone thru until December '2001. <p>My point is, we had been separated for 14 mos by June '2001 when I went to my attorney and told them to expedite the D (Divorced June 13, 2001).<p>I felt numb to anything by then, and decided waiting any longer was futile. My x-H's 2 year mark from light-of-day will be October '2002. <p>I believe that the answer to your #5 question would be a personal case-by-case basis. Only the individual emeshed in the situation (BS) will know when enough is enough and when to cut their loses, when it's their time to make a move based on their emotional strength and logically weighing the odds of their marriage ever recovering. You just come to this place of acceptance and make the moves necessary, I think I was on auto-pilot when I made my moves, felt surreal.<p>I don't know if I've helped. It's a hard thing to explain.<p>I pray for your son and grand-son, Estes. I also pray for your DIL to start feeling some kind of reality. Fantasy lives cannot go on forever.<p>Best,
Jo<p>[ February 17, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Thanks for your input, Jo. Sadly, your situation is definitely out of the ordinary. The decision you had to make was painfully obvious. Is it true that the experts say it takes a couple of years post-divorce to get back to "normal"?<p>DIL still goes to eat and to the movie with OM who lives in the same apt complex as she does.
S went to talk to OM and ask him to back off while they try to reconcile. OM mocked S and laughed, but S controlled himself and let OM prove he really was a jerk. I'm going for a visit next weekend. I intend to introduce myself to OM. It should be interesting. BTW, I put some photos in yahoo/photos. If you are around, I'll give you the address.<p>Estes

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Estes49:
Is it true that the experts say it takes a couple of years post-divorce to get back to "normal"?<hr></blockquote><p>"Yes", Estes. Have read it in many books as well as have had Steve Harley and my other therapist tell me that. Especially in long term marriages, the recovery time after a Divorce due to an A can take at least that long. <p>I am making my way thru it, but very much like when the WS has contact with the OP, any contact with my x-H (even info of him via third party) puts me two steps backwards. I find myself going thru the inevitable grieving steps yet once again.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Estes49: I'm going for a visit next weekend. I intend to introduce myself to OM. It should be interesting. BTW, I put some photos in yahoo/photos. If you are around, I'll give you the address.<hr></blockquote><p>Wow, Estes. Have you planned what you're going to say? I think if I were in your situation, I'd do the same. This OM needs to know he is hurting more than just the immediate family involved, he needs to see it's devistation spreads far and wide.<p>I'd love to see your new pics. BTW, I saw the others. Beautiful family! Your grandson looks like you ... as does your son. Please be sure to post the URL so I can see the new ones, Hon.<p>Love to you, Estes. Please keep us in the loop regarding your OM plans and encounter.<p>Jo<p>[ February 17, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Yes, Jo, I have planned what I am going to say. I've rehearsed it, too. I won't be ugly or rude. Just short and sweet that I wanted to introduce myself to the people who affect my family. That's all. Should take about two minutes. I don't want to give him any reason to say anything ugly back. He is a really large, evil man in a cowardly way.<p>My S has an older couple at church who are his mentors. I want to meet them, too. Ironically, the sermon will be on the 7th Commandment. Guess which one that is!<p>Hope I keep my nerve.
Estes<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

I have heard to try for 2 years to reconcile before filing..a nd that is what I am trying to do... I hope I can do this! I am sure actually I can, as I have now managed to get myself financially secure without H, I would have to file for money in tx... file the D that is, and I do not want to..<p>Is your son filing for D, or did she? I just cked out the pictures, and what a lovely family... I am so sorry.. it is so sad how infidelity tears us all apart... ]<p>I am sad tonight and wishing I did not have to spend another week away from my children working... as I will start again int he am.. but I am cutting out one job... as much I need the dollars... so that I will only be committed to one full time job and my pt job which I do from home... hopefully eventually just the home business, so I can be with my kids!<p>Estes , thanks for posting picks , and again thanks to your response on my rant with my fil...<p>have you been to restore ministries .com, I really like a workbook I got from that site... which has helped me with my attitude.<p>I am sorry about your dil... I know it is just awful what you are going through... I will pray for you and your family and that cute little one!<p>I know there is material out there... especially restoreminitstries...that talks of how to be patient... even remarriage can occur after the d... <p>Hopefully for both of us, we will not have a d in our lives. <p>Hugs, HONEY

Just wondering, is it two years from d-day?

honey,<p>I replied to you on the other thread in D/D also.
Congratulations on your financial independence. It will make things a bit less fearful for you.
I will check out the restore ministries site. Thank you for recommending it. My S definitely wants to work through this in such a way that he knows he has been faithful to his spiritual values. The OM is such a scumbag, a moral wasteland. DIL filed for D and planned a move out-of-state before she said a single word to my S. She took GS and moved out. Said she was moving for business reasons, that God was bringing new people into her life, and she was "called" to go. This was last April. D-day was by accident two months after she moved. D is hanging in the air with not action planned at this time. You are finding out another bad thing about splitting up a family. You have to work so hard (outside the home) that you don't have the energy you used to have for the kids. It's sad. BTW, I live in West Texas. Yee hah!<p>Hi Terrified. I've been following your story. Your H is putting you through h***. I am so sorry. My understanding is that it is 6 months to 2 years from d-day. Problems start of develop in the EMA once people know about it, when the fantasy-world bubble bursts. From the responses to my question, it seems like the BS who really wants to give the M every chance to be repaired should wait as long as he/she can stand it before giving up. I surely hope your H wakes up to the foolish things he is doing. Take care.

Actually, it is 6 mos - 2 years from Light-of-Day, which does not necessarily mean D-Day. <p>Light-of-Day has been defined when the WS and OP are OPENLY admitting their relationship to family and friends, no more denial of the A to anyone.<p>And D-Day is when the BS has discovered the A.<p>Lv,
Jo<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Bump for Terrified and Estes regarding The A meeting Light-of-Day. ^^^<p>Jo<p>[ February 19, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>