Well, it has been about a month since I posted anything about my own situation.<p>A recap for our 'newbies:'<p>My H of 12 years started accidently meeting a female co-worker a lot last year about this time. He often had our children w/ him... who would always tell me they had met <OWs Son's name> mom. We went to bbq at her house... she was invited to middle son's birthday party... we were invited to her daughter's birthday party... In March, a cell bill came that was outrageous and I questioned H about it, there were 75 calls to her (&many unidentified incoming calls)... I went ballistic... however, OW called and 'explained' them away... since she was also a former co-worker of mine and I trusted my H... I was appeased... however over Spring Break in April, H kept making excuses to call OW... I just knew something was up... the very next week, after an argument... H told me he needed some space and wanted to separate... Bells, whistles went off, and I 'knew.' I did some digging on the computer... accessed all of his email accounts... found their 'secret' excite account homepage... and BINGO... <p>Meanwhile, while I am at home investigating, H was at gym... on his way home he stops by his parents' and tells them before me.<p>I found this site a couple of weeks after. I spent May and June in shock... trying to apply MB... living w/ H who was still knee deep in affair... we tried mainstream counseling... but counselor seemed bent on 'strengthening' me for his 'eventual' moving out and our 'destined' divorce.<p>Probably my best move was on Mother's Day when I asked for my present to be us going to a 'new' church... (we are still regular attenders... we have recently joined an adult sunday Bible study that is very close knit and fellowships outside of church... AND just this week H has joined the choir...) <p>In July H moves out... basically he just slept somewhere else... he spent most of the afternoon and evening w/ me and children... only going to his 'spot' once children had been put into bed.<p>In August we go on weeklong vacation... leave children at my sister's and we spend a week together... unbelievably OW is in same city... she and H 'meet' where she tells him something shocking... MAJOR LB... H is propelled closer to me, but can't give up EA w/ her.<p>September, October, December and January, H maintains sporadic contact... mostly phone & email... I do pretty well w/ plan A... except PMS weeks [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] ... <p>After a GREAT Christmas... full of family time and bonding... I intercept a phone message the first of the year where OW tells H she will "love him forever... he has no idea how patient she can be..." I see red and call OW and leave her a message that "I know what she did last summer..." (implying that I will also let her H know... it was MORE than just contact w/ my H). She goes NUTS... calls H and tells him she won't call him... don't call her until he gets rid of his EVIL wife...<p>In January we have a series of talks... some hurtful to me... one where he calls me to tell me that "If you (ME/BW) don't contact OW, I (WH) won't." Apparently, he called her and she continued to go NUTS over my last message... plus some other stuff he wouldn't tell... <p>My February has been very relaxed. I feel almost normal... almost pre-A... I have some moments of fear... but the man I knew is very much evident... We are studying Revelations in our Bible study and I CAN'T BELIEVE SOME OF THE THINGS HE IS SAYING... about repentance... and about doing RIGHT when you know you have been doing WRONG...<p>I sent him an musical email... Shelby Lynne's song The Wall Around Your Heart and basically told him that I would never give up on him... that I always believed in him... <p>We had a huge TALK on V-day (yeah, argument)... where basically he told me to RELAX... his A WAS OVER... for a change we even got to the END of the argument... we got out of the CIRCLE... (thank you MB techniques and don Miguel Ruiz)... the next morning he even made me late for work [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ...<p>At this point, I am looking for a 'marriage weekend' event... probably a Retroueville... and am asking him to read Dave Carder's book, "Torn Asunder." Due to the debacle over this summer, when he posted at MB... he is very anti-MB... so I don't see us calling Steve or Jennifer... <p>Time has indeed been my friend... time and the fact that I do know the CORE of my H... He stated from the beginning that what he did was wrong and heinous... he is not yet at the 'extremely' remorseful stage... he still cannot 'empathize' w/ me... still cannot see that I have been in as much pain as he has been in this marriage... but I HAVE FAITH IN GOD... it is not my worry... God has revealed so much to my H and I, that I am willing to let TIME and He take care of it... and ME...<p>Hugs and Peace to all... <p>Cali

Cali--<p>I have admired your patience and ability to give your H and your marriage the time it needs...<p>As you know I am trying to travel the same path in terms of time and patience and I realize just how hard this can be...<p>Keep up the good work and you remain the Queen of Plan A...<p>Best to you<p>E

I read somewhere that you were the Queen of Plan A and after reading this thread, I know it is true!! Since I have been here you have had more than your fair share of ups and downs...but you have perservered and kept on track! You have shown so much patience, courage, and an incredible ability to forgive. Thanks Cali, you are so admired!
BH<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: brokenhearted ]</p>

Cali - keep up the good work. I smell success for both of you!<p>Dave

You have stuck with your man, GOSH, you have stuck with your MAN! whew... I hope he appreciates what he has in you. I really do...

Cali,<p>Well, I had-a-cuppa and it wasn't as long as all that. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Is a very nice update to read after this weekend. Isn't the anti-MB sentiment sad? I face the same thing. I can't even mention things I've learned here without facing at least mild scorn. Whenever I point her to a post, she'll find one responder that maybe missed the point and then refuse to see the other 12 helpful, supportive comments, geez... I guess it's a forest/trees thing.<p>Wow, you have become the Queen of Plan A. It was a rocky road though, wasn't it? I think at some point you realized it wasn't important to get to some particular place immediately. You are "here" and "here" is just as good a place to work on yourself as any other. <p>I have another one of those huge, insightful posts percolating around inside me right now. I'm just not sure I have the energy to nurture such a post, or to deal with the effect such posts usually have on me. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Watch out for "those" weeks. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take care,<p>Jeffers

Wow....you are one strong woman... I'm glad you are finaly seeing results! Good luck, sounds like you guys are on the right track!

Cali- you have been very helpful to me, although in my early stages of dealing with this I haven't always followed your advice (and every time I didn't I LB'd). Your perseverance is scriptually solid, and I'm sure it has built character. You are an inspiration.<p>Isn't it a confirmation of how our flesh nature controls us when we see our WS participate in Bible study, acknowledge their wrong, yet continue the A?<p>My WW just this weekend confirmed to me that I am the man she wants, she is almost to the point of totally trusting my love for her, and she wants "to make things right". But still no talk of ending A or ceasing all contact with OM.<p>And I am very wary of snooping because the trust is very fragile right now.<p>So- I will continue to Plan A. Each day one of the first things I say to my wife is "What can I do to make you happy today?" She can't believe that I am doing this. She still can't believe that after ten weeks of knowing the A is still going on, that I haven't demanded it end. <p>Plan A works!

Hi Cali,<p>I'm so glad things are looking up for you! About time, huh?<p>On the subject of marriage retreats.My best friend and her H ( she was my maid of honor and she really took it seriously that she stood up for H and I at our wedding ceremony)gifted H and I with a marriage retreat when we were in the midst of our separation. It was an incredible retreat that was a catalyst for changing our marriage and sending it in the direction it desperately needed to go. <p>H and I had both been raised Catholic (my best friend too). H had been wanting to attend one of the Calvary Chapel(ironically where my best friend had found fellowship) churches even in the years he was becoming involved with OW. I stupidly refused to follow H's spiritual leadership( wow what a 2x4 God hit me over the head with!!!!) which resulted in H just about losing any remnants of spirituality(in his A).<p>Anyway, I remember you have mentioned that you live in the Inland Empire and I just want to recommend two things for you to consider. Even if you are not interested in the Calvary Chapel fellowships, they give awesome marriage retreats! I highly recommend them. Also check out Potter's Field Ministries. This couple's ministry can be life changing. You can find a schedule of their appearances and excerpts of their presentation on their website at pottersfield.org. They do twice yearly presentations where I fellowship in Chino Ca usually in the months of April and November but they tour all over the world. Hope this helps!

Elad... I'm gonna leave the "Queen" title to lotsva... I think I have much to learn... but I'll be the "princess" [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ...
Thanks much for your support....<p>brokenhearted... thanks for your kind words... it has been a struggle... but I think it (he), my family is worth it.<p>Thanks WAT... did you have a nice birthday??<p>Binthere... maybe not yet... but I HAVE FAITH THAT HE WILL... I don't think he'd still be here if he didn't appreciate me just a little bit...<p>jeffers... you all have been by my side... rooting me on... I look forward to that post that is percolating around... & yeah, it kinda stinks that our spouses haven't yet come to appreciate MB...<p>thanks weRetrying... I can't tell you how 'satisfying' and 'normal' the last couple of weeks have been... I feel like I have had my wish for my marriage before the A... now I get to reinforce those changes I have learned about...<p>Boppo57... it's a long hard road... and I still see bumps up ahead... but we'll get there one step at a time... don't look too far ahead... don't promise too much... just be satisfied that you've done your best today...<p>mthrr... Last year I wouldn't have given 2nd thoughts to going to an 'evangelical' type church... today we are REGULAR attenders of a SOUTHERN BAPTIST church... and I give all the credit for God leading us there... I will definitely look into those marriage retreats. Thanks... I also understand about the spiritual leadership thing... my H had been church 'hunting' for the last couple of years and I resisted... didn't want to change... didn't really want to attend... DUMB... DUMB... DUMB... yeah... He sure can get our attention...<p>
Thanks all...The panic when he's not home when he's 'supposed' to be is lessening... when he gets a cell phone call, he tells me who it is (& I didn't ask for this... he just started doing it)... We still have some issues... but I believe if he will begin a real 'recovery' program where we both can be on the SAME page... then our changes will be amplified...<p>much love,
Cali

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Cali:
<strong>he is not yet at the 'extremely' remorseful stage... he still cannot 'empathize' w/ me... still cannot see that I have been in as much pain as he has been in this marriage... but I HAVE FAITH IN GOD... it is not my worry... God has revealed so much to my H and I, that I am willing to let TIME and He take care of it... and ME...<p>Hugs and Peace to all... <p>Cali</strong><hr></blockquote><p>cali, you know that he may never understand your pain, or be able to empathize with you over your pain BUT you can recovery & still have a better marriage just don't let the lack of him not feeling your pain stand in your way<p>you have come along way, still a long way to go but you know I think you are half away home

Thanks for the "newbie recap".... much appreciated.<p>I suffered more than I needed to, and made more mistakes than I should ... because during D-day and for several years after, I did not have internet access ... so, no MB. <p>I still have learning to do, and it is 6 years post d-day [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Best to you, and, thanks for sharing.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Wow, Cali, what a story.<p>I joined in August, so I appreciated the recap. After reading, I have a little more hope for me.<p>And I am amazed at the strength you have to give so many posters the benefit of what you have learned - many days I am so needy I can only lurk.

Hi Hon,<p>Just letting you know that you're being thought about this morning!!<p>(((((Cali)))))

sing... I read you loud and clear... btw... did I ever tell you my dad's side of the family hail from TX? Have relatives ALL over the state [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ... and I was born in Lubbock... <p>pepperband... when I first started... wasn't sure I'd last 6 months... now that I can 'exhale,' six years actually seems possible...<p>bgentle... the green-eyed monster has hit me many times reading posts... know EXACTLY how you feel... thanks for posting...<p>new_beginning... you were among the first to post to me when I found MB... your support and kind words are much valued.<p>Thanks to all...
Cali