It's been 5 years since I found out my husband was unfaithful. We've been thru counseling. The up and down of the first years are over. He has had no contact with the OW that I know of. We still live in the same town. He has changed jobs. He now works in a neighboring town. He did this to limit contact. My problem is that we seem to roommates instead of partners. He is very kind. He does more than his share of housework and taking care of our daughter. It's just that anytime I try to get closer, he doesn't reciprocate. He acknowledges the need, but nothing happens.
Here's the bombshell part. Our sex life has never recovered. I knew that there was an affair because he couldn't have sex with me anymore.
Now after 5 years, we have it once a month, if that. And even then, it seems that most times he loses his ability to continue. He rarely comes to climax. Many times I think he tries to fake it, but it's hard to fake. I just don't know what to think. After the affair was discovered, he was desperate to have her back. (the OW gave me a letter that pretty much proved it) I've never seem that kind of desperation directed my way. I feel he has stayed because that would be just punishment for him and he adores our daughter and wouldn't want to have this affect her.
What do I do???

Pimmers...<p>It can be kinda slow here on the weekends... especially this time of night...<p>I am not sure what to say to you on this topic... s*x is not an issue in my marriage... even after d-day and during affair, H continued to 'be' w/ me... I'm not sure what I would do in your situation...<p>I'm sure there will be others who will post to you w/ some ideas...<p>Hugs and prayers,
Cali

Thanks,<p>I just need someone to listen.<p>pimmers

Intimacy is probably the LAST thing to recover, is my guess. I am a BS and right now, I can tell you that the thought of my H touching me makes my skin crawl. <p>If I were a WS... let's see, guilt (which must grow and fester over time), maybe depression. Maybe, depending on his age, a physical problem. 5 years is a long time for this to be going on. Sounds like it's been there but not really been dealt with for all of these years. It's good that you're here looking for answers, great place to start. <p>I'd also look over on the EN section of this board. I've seen a few posts over there recently that cover this topic. Good luck!<p>Snow

understandable...<p>more will reply... and if you don't get all the feedback that you want, keep ^^^bumping^^^ up your post....<p>I know that there are others here that will understand your situation...<p>Have you done any kind of counseling? Can you talk w/ your H about it w/ radical honesty? Could it, perhaps, be something physical? I know my H was on some medication when we were trying to conceive 1st child that caused him to be impotent... <p>Cali

You know h has said that sex would get better if I quit having temper flare ups - - I stopped that. Then it was if I stopped checking up on him. That has stopped. Then it was if I stopped having discussions about how bad sex was and quit asking why? I stopped that. I done it all. I haven't even brought up the A in about 2 years. It hasn't gotten much better. <p>Could he still be ???

Could he still be ??? having an affair? <p>??? I would be speculating... <p>I would suggest a conversation... calm and w/ no LBs... or w/in counseling...<p>or that he seeks medical attention...<p>Pimmers, I have to log off now... past bed time... I'm sure more will stop by to answer you...<p>cali

Thanks Cali,<p>I needed a kind and sane word.<p>pimmers

Hi again, Pimmers.
I didn't find this thread til after I answered your other post. So now I know a little more of your story.<p>Yikes...it could be another A or that H never forgave himself....sounds like he is trying to control you with sex. I'm sorry he is doing that to you. It's indicative of a huge problem..you have tried to accomodate his "wishes" and he still hurts you with rejection. This must be so painful. <p>You've tried counselling but it may be worth it to pursue some further counselling on your own. Not that you are the problem!!! You deserve some happiness and H is putting incredible pressure on you--time for some positive self-care---you need affirmation--search for it in yourself and from your female friends in safe ways. <p>I sure hope things improve for you. Yes, keep posting.