What can I do about questions that develop. I find things or suspect things that I just feel I have to know about. I am the type of person that needs to know. WS (wife) has said that all she has asked for is a little time and space (the usual). What I have asked for is openess and honesty. Neither of us have been giving this. I have started to do a lot better lately. But when I do find something, or notice something that "needs" to be asked or clarified, what can I do about LB'ing and not giving her the space and "safe"home environment?

Set aside a day (or days) with a specific amount of time so that you can ask questions. Give each other the same amount of time (perhaps 30 minutes each, twice a week, scheduled). Ask questions in a non-threatening manner. If your spouse is not ready to answer a certain question, save it for next time. Don't be judgemental. When they tell you something that hurts (and they will). Thank them for being honest and try not to appear as if your world just shattered. When the time is up, don't dwell on what you asked or on the answers you were given. Move on and be happy (I know, it is very hard to be happy but it is necessary for your spouse to see that you CAN move on from those details).

Panaju,
I liked advice Longing wrote. I just wanted to add that for me, I needed to be at my most supportive when my W told me things I least wanted to hear. Positively reenforce honesty. Don't punish them when they tell the truth.
I also found that my W was less than honest with me if she saw me overly emotional about what she said. I could be sad or hurt, but not fall apart.
My W is also one of those "need to know" people, but short on the need to tell list. I have asked her to share with me whatever she wants to and whenever she wants to. Sometimes when I want to know something, or have a concern I tell her think about it and talk to me when she's ready.
this lets her stay in control and not put her on defensive. It makes it more relaxed.
I came here to post my life but couldn't help to look elsewhere.
.D.

Panaju..
What type of questions do you have? I have a billion unanswered questions myself also, since i have tried to bite my tounge while giving her the space and time she needed/still needs. I think the suggestions are good about how to talk, but I'm wary about that myself. Maybe I am doing things wrong too, but I've felt the need to just hold back my questions, since my wife was/is not ready to discuss them. Make sure you have other conversation first. I think that is essential. <p>But I still wonder if there are some questions best left unasked. I'm still hurt by everything... I still wonder how many times she was with OM.. or what she was thinking or feeling when she started the A... or what she said to him when she ended communication... things like that... but I wonder if its better NOT to ask. All it is is an attempt p comfort ourselves right? Is it productive? Might rehashing old times and old reasoning or feelings bring back or strengthen WS's feelings for OP?<p>I dunno. I think panaju it depends what what questions, how far along.. and even then I still am scared to ask.<p>-HI

thanks for the advice guys, I did try telling her I have some questions that I need clarifying so my imagination doesn't take control. She hasn't gotten back to me yet to talk about them. her affair was with a co-worker. Today her management found out and is sending her to another dept. I think she lied to me about the affair being over except mutual feelings. I think it has even progressed from the emotional affair that it was when I found out. How do I trust her answers when I cant. I can tell by the way she answers and her face when she lies. I think she is starting to come out of her "fog" and rethink the separation and divorce, but why does she feel compelled to lie and hide everything, even harmless things that mean nothing. I guess I should be the one answering that, eh.