MY H wants to punish me when I say One thing he does not like, etc.. this is not a relationship... of course... I try so hard to be kind and loving to him, and everythig is fine, as long as I do not rock th3e boat or say one word he does not like.. if I do... he kicks me out of house, car.. etc.. right now says he has baned talking to me for 2 days... woohoww... all becuase I was angry his father sent v day cards to the kids at where h is staying, not their home... Opinions?

You LB'd when calling your FIL. Now your H is angry. What did you expect?<p>What did that phone call change?<p>Did your FIL say "Oh my gosh I am so sorry I didn't mean to hurt you!"? Of course he didn't.<p>So all you did was upset your H - you felt like exploding in anger and choose to do so at your H's expense, and now you are angry that he's angry! Did you for even one second consider what your H would think about your phone call?<p>If you are trying to practice POJA - then you owe your H a big apology and amends because YOU broke the POJA in calling your FIL.<p>And did it occur to you that while YOU see your H's apartment as a personal affront and insult to you...maybe your H sees his place as a refuge from your angry outbursts! Why shouldn't the cards be sent there? I understand that it hurts, and that your FIL probably is playing sick games, but honestly....your H is just as much a parent as you are, and if your FIL chooses to send the Valentines there....what is the big deal?<p>Is it worth LBing your H and the ensuing fight?<p>How important is it Honey?

honey, one of the best statements I heard that stuck with me was do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? I think it was a Dr. Phil thing. My husband and I played those same games and I will assure you they will not get you anywhere. My husbands family drives me absolutely nuts as well...but I let that all go. I don't worry about what they think or the things they say or do. I let it go. Now, when they do something there's no more than a slight twinge...and it's gone. My sis-in-law however deals with it differently. She takes every little injustice that occurs in her life and festers upon it. She *****es to everyone about how unfair it was and shouldn't the other person do or say this or that...she goes on and on to her husband about it...until he blows up because he's sick of hearing about it...then she's hurt and angry because he doesn't care about her feelings. People get sick of it...she's a negative force.<p>You don't set the rules in life, honey...some things just are the way they are and will remain as such whether you like it or not. Acceptance would be a fine thing to learn. I think you two have bigger issues than his dad. I can tell you from personal experience that life gets much easier the more you focus on yourself and make changes in yourself. You can't force change in others...but it comes when there is change in you. That doesn't mean that you have to walk on eggshells or be someone you aren't. It means that whoever it is you wish to be...become...and then see how the rest of your life goes. Good luck.

I know it is not the end of the world, but yes.. my sick fil wants to go ahead and write off the marriage... and he is trying his best.. he does not like that I have boldy confronted him head to head on who he is and his contribution to raising a son who acts like this.. yes, my h is an adult... but his dad... was an alcoholic drug dealing adulter, who pretends he walks on water... all the while.. he told my H that his real mom was not his real mom in an arby's drive through.. etc.. .I am mad at this man for all the bad things he has done that have hurt my H and in turn hurt me and my children.. and continue to hurt my H, regardless of what the sob thinks. I am sick of his sickness, and yes, he is an [censored]+++ and I know the call mad my H really mad..<p>but come on, I am not going to talk to you for 48 hours, I am hanging up now... If the damn fil would not do theese things to upset me, and disrespect mhy children and me... then I would not be upset.<p>I am the wife, and I am sorry I will not put up with this bs from my sick FIL>. <p>I see you are right br, that ignoring his sickness is better , but I jsut can;'t stand it, but in truth... my Sick fil.. will probably just want to do it more since he upset me by his actions.<p>What a jerk!<p>HOney

Hi, I do think that it says a lot for my FIL to mail my kids mail to where H is, instead of their home... and I am ever more angry at this man.. I was not polite in my call to him, nor do I feel I should be. (now this is my irrate anger talking and I can feel it, I just can't stand it when people walk all over me... on the card to my older son, he said I hope you will come see me this summer?)<p>I started the summer trips a few years ago in the hopes that my son would get to know his absent grandfather... and at my request, my H called and asked his dad could my son visit for a week or so in summer.. his dad obliged, and it has been a summer thing now for 2 yrs.. my son enjoyed it, and this fil took week off, and invited his wife of the moments nieces to accompny them on the vactation week... which I also thought took away from the whole point... of my son getting to know his grandfather, but then again what is there to know of this jerk?<p>I am sorry this post is filled with anger... I cannot get over this man disrespecting me... he is a blatant disrespect to women in general ... anyway.. married 4x, adultere... etc... I cannot stand him and do not want him around my kids anymore.. his word to my H on the adultery... well, I did it , and it is not a good idea... also sd I hope you find peace in his christmas card... I know I am overanalyzing.. but this man has no morals, and I hate him for the way he raised my H with no morals.<p>I also guess that he has been very abusive to women over the years... I mean how abusive is adultery, he is a womanizer and an abuser... I guess I need to write him off as that... and move on.. how do I keep his wicked influence awa y from my kids... <p>His way of dealing with them is fun, fun , fun... he was a disney land dad to his kids.. NEVER a REAL DAD! NEVER!

I do agree that I have overreacted.. butr my H makes it so much worse... <p>I want him to understand and respect my feelings for thisw man, sadly this man , is his dad.

I just do not want my FIL affecting my kids the way he has affected his son.<p>Basically I feel if he cannot respect me, he does not have a place in their lives. <p>H

Also, had no problem with fil before this... well just a little, but dealt with it.. .I cannot believe the nerve of this man. When H and I were seperated before he was also blatantly RUDE TO me... it is like a seperation means meanness to me... I guess some of it is based on what my H has told his dad about me... to make him look better, right?<p>H

Honey ~ I did not say you should ignore your FILs sick behavior. Acceptance and denial are 2 different things!!!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>but come on, I am not going to talk to you for 48 hours, I am hanging up now... If the damn fil would not do theese things to upset me, and disrespect mhy children and me... then I would not be upset.<hr></blockquote><p>Excuse me? You called this man in rage, screaming at him, and you are upset that he hung up?<p>Honey TAKE RESPONSIBILTY for your behavior. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>If the damn fil would not do theese things to upset me..<hr></blockquote><p>Uh, spoken like an alcoholic or a codependent.<p>Its all your FILs fault that you flew into a rage? I constantly tell my 10 year old the same thing that I am telling you: No one can MAKE you do anything. YOU CHOOSE TO REACT THAT WAY. You are not a puppet with strings attached to your limbs, forcing you into any kind of behavior.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
I am the wife, and I am sorry I will not put up with this bs from my sick FIL.<hr></blockquote><p>So you are going to MAKE your FIL treat you with respect? My aren't you powerful this morning! Wanna come to my house and straighten out eveyone in my life too? I haven't been able to figure out how to do that...neither has anyone else...perhaps YOU have the answer that millions of others couldn't find?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>but I jsut can;'t stand it,<hr></blockquote><p>Replace "can't" with "won't" and that would be more honest. You are choosing your actions Honey. Your FIL is not MAKING you do anything or even FEEL anything. Its all about your choices. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>in truth... my Sick fil.. will probably just want to do it more since he upset me by his actions.<hr></blockquote><p>Well, I see that you feel that FIL is now responsible for your choice NOT to follow the POJA in your marriage.<p>I noticed that you didn't respond to my points about the fact that you LB'd, owe your H an apology, and that you are breaking the POJA and the rule of protection.<p>As long as you see yourself as the poor victim that has to put up with abuse from your sick H and FIL, you are not going to be able to see your own part in this. Honey, your own behavior is as crazy as theirs is. But you are so focused on forcing THEM to change, and basing your happiness or lack there of on THEIR actions rather than your own.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>What a jerk!<hr></blockquote> Yes you are certainly acting like one!<p>Go back to Al-Anon Honey, and get a sponsor!

honey, I want to you take a deep breath and then take a look at the last 4 posts you've posted. Yes...you are angry. Take it from someone who has been there done that....ok? What you are doing WILL NOT work in your favor. No matter how much you hate him or what he's done...you can't change him or BLIP him off the planet. You need to focus on healthy things in your life...you need to let go of the anger and hatred. He may have contributed to who your husband is today, and he may have done a terrible job as a parent...but you CAN'T change the past. It is what it is. So why dwell on that? I'm telling you...you are contributing to the distance and problems in your marriage...focus on solutions...focus on letting go of the anger...or focus on what it is you will be doing with the rest of your life without this man...because right now you're still fighting over the controls to the marriage...and it doesn't work that way.

Hugs Honey,
I agree with BR and H4F that calling your FIL was not the best choice, BUT....your husband's reaction is a bit much!! Banning talking to you for two days?? He is treating you like you are two and he is grounding you or something!! I am sorry you have to go through this honey...it sounded like things were getting so much better for you and then this. Hang in there!
BH

Hello Honey. There are two things that I want to address. They are BOTH about responsibility.<p>You must be responsible for you and ONLY you. You cannot control another person's thoughts, actions, reactions. The only person you can control is YOU. How you react to another person's actions is up to you. And when you react you cannot blame what "they" did to MAKE you react. You have your own mind, you make your own decisions, you control your destiny. Even IF someone else treated you so terribly and they really angered you, you still have a choice on how to react. You can argue with them and make irrational decisions. If you do, what will be the consequences? It doesn't help. Not one bit. It only stirs the pot even more. And what's sad is that no one wins. This is NOT about winning. You don't win, you won't win, you can't win. It's not a contest. It's basically a p-ing match. And think about this. What positive thing could possible come from it!?<p>If you can somehow let this go - I know it's hard - but let it go! There is nothing you can do to change anyone else's behavior. NOTHING. BUT you can change YOURS. Why? For your own benefit. Not your FIL, not your H, but for your own mental health, your sanity, your growth, your success, your future. You are holding yourself back by harboring anger and other negative feelings.<p>I'm not saying be a doormat, but be mature and responsible. <p>Secondly, to be honest I am new here and I do not know your entire situation. I've read a few posts here and there. But there is one thing that is really bothering me. It's basically the same thing I said up aboe (about taking responsibility for yourself) but sort of turned around. H is reacting as well. I'm sorry but no matter what you have said to him he does not have the right to kick you out of the car or to PUNISH you. He is not responsible for your actions but he is responsible for his. And if you LET someone "punish" you, you are giving that person a very bad sense of power and that my dear is abuse. You are allowing him to control you and he knows he can do this.<p>Both of you need to stop worrying about what the other is doing and worry about yourself. Focus on yourself. When he REACTS, just look at him. Don't say a thing and when he is done ask "Are you finished". And get on with your life.<p>This is not healthy for you. This is not a positive thing for you and you will never grow or succeed if you continue down this road.<p>There has got to be a change. And you have the power to make a change. This is YOUR life. What you make of it is up to you. You cannot but that responsibility on anyone else. If you are miserable, make a change. Make yourself happy.<p>There is so much more to life than this p-ing contest you're in right now.<p>Think positive!!!!!!<p>Love,
Clear

Hi, Honey!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I know I am overanalyzing.. but this man has no morals, and I hate him for the way he raised my H with no morals.<p>I also guess that he has been very abusive to women over the years... I mean how abusive is adultery, he is a womanizer and an abuser... I guess I need to write him off as that... and move on.. how do I keep his wicked influence awa y from my kids...
<hr></blockquote><p>You know, you are describing my own father. He has no morals WHATSOEVER and any that might trickle into his conscience are replaced with what will serve him most at that particular moment. Let me give you an example, my husband is a hunter. He LOVES to hunt. We visited my parents this past Christmas. So my father goes out and illegally shoots and kills a Hoot Owl...you know why....because he said the owl will kill the game he my husband are hunting(squirrells and rabbits and so forth). He was extremely proud of himself because killing that owl served him well....no matter that it was illegal. By killing that owl, now the game will be abundant and all the more fun for hunting. I can't tell you how many times he's *shot" his family down for his whores and drinks (and drugs that everyone knows he's doing but he won't admit to). Anything that gets in his way he will *shoot* it.<p>I have had an extremely hard time with acceptance. I accept the way he is even though I don't like the way he is ONE SINGLE BIT. Until I did that I was constantly just like you are now. You made that phone call because you are mad and because you feel like you have been insulted. I also think (because I've done the same thing) that you made that phone call in hopes to change his future behavior. It's not going to work. He is going to be who and what he is because that is what serves HIM best, not you, not your husband, not your children nor any of his numerous wives.<p>You can't change that no matter how many phone calls you make and no matter what you try. You can only REMOVE yourself from the situation as much as possible. Don't you see it gives him satisfaction and ammunition to use against you????? That is what he wants.....he was probably giggling the whole time he was writing the address on the envelope because he knew what this would do and you only patted him on the back and gave him fuel for his fire. Although that wasn't your intention.....that is what happened. He wants to drive one more wedge into your marriage and you are actively helping him to do that!!!!!! DO NOT VENT TO HIM OR AT HIM OR TO YOUR HUSBAND OR AT YOUR HUSBAND. That is what they want and you are obliging them.<p>I know and understand your frustration and ire. When people are telling you to NOT call them, it is NOT to protect your f-i-l from you, it is to protect YOU from your f-i-l.<p>You may not be able to keep your son away from your f-i-l. Afterall....you can't be with your son 24/7. There will be times when he is with your husband and you have no control over who your son will see. What you can do is arm your son and build his own self esteem up enough that he can make the right decisions for himself no matter what kind of influence your f-i-l may have. <p>selket<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: selket ]</p>

honey,<p> Sorry for the mess you are dealing with. You are getting good advice from everyone here.<p> I want to add one more reason to let this go. Have you heard of grandparents rights? One reason it is important for you to let go of this anger is what everyone has told you. You can't change the fil. Nothing you do can change him. And whether you like it or not, unless you could show him to be a real danger to your children, the courts could and probably would enforce the grandparents rights in his favor. <p> So, in reality you cannot stop fil from seeing your kids. Which really does suck in your situation.<p> I won't even address the childish behavior of your H. What kind of man does this?<p> Accept this and move on Honey. You only damage yourself to hold on to the anger.<p> Best of luck.<p> jd

DO NOT VENT TO HIM OR AT HIM OR TO YOUR HUSBAND OR AT YOUR HUSBAND. That is what they want and you are obliging them.<p>thanks. for the above... <p>Bramble rose, I do apprciate your post to me that I should apologize.. and I will... i agree with poja... but my h is not in that mode yet... but definitelyl does better when I am ... I know running to his family with my complaints is only fuel to the fire.<p>I know I cannot control anyone... I wasn't trying to, but hoping my call to dad... and I was not yelling, but I was not friendly... I was hoping the call would accomplish something... like maybe... he would care that he is hurting our marriage and family... but true, I am allowing him to... he does not have that power over either of us..<p>he is just a sleeping dog who tries a few tricks now and then... and yes, I do think he mailed the cards to the address maliciously .. becuase I have had the courage to say to him how much he has hurt everyone... his ex wife, his daughter, his son, himself, and no wme and my children from his example and adulterous behaviour..<p>see, trhis is more to me... I truly feel if fil had not been such bad dad, etc... we would not be dealing with the legacy of addultery.. but the past is the past... and I cannot change howe awful he is.. he still is, and he is still lying to himself after all of this time... it really hurts alot to see this pain...<p>I just hope my h and I can move through another bad time... I think we can... <p>He love me and our kids, I know he does... ignoring his dad is the best thing to do.<p>as is ignoring so many other things in this life that I cannot control... <p>br, your advise is at times harsh, but true... I did mess up.. but I feel it is ok to communicate how I feel... but I guess not wehn it will hurt me?<p>thanks to everyone for fdback- i am calming down.<p>h

I wanted to come back and say that i do appreciate any kind words..<p>BR, I do have to with kindness say your posts are rather harsh, did you learn that harshness in alanon? <p>I post to try to calm myself down, and it did help, and your words , br are to the point, but they almost make me feel worse..<p>yes, I guess I do feel bad for being upset...? But I feel we are all entitled to our feelings, and expressing them... I do not feel my fil is doing anything but hurting my marriage.. and I am sick and tired of it..<p>i do not expect to be able to straighten him out.. nor do I think I have power to straighten others out... but how do they get the poitn... if we do not discuss it?<p>I am not one to sit closed mouthed and let others walk on me... my opening my 3 yr olds v day card and calling fil to tellhim I did not like where he mailed my kids mail... I just do not think is all that nuts,- I realize the lb to my spouse... but he certainly bl's me all the time... in fact it is lb to try to keep my kids mail from me, and lb to be ok with any of this, right?<p>I don't know, I see your point br, but I feel you make me out to be worse than I am. I know I was quite upset when I posted, perhaps my REAL FEELINGS should be vented with care.<p>thanks, honey

Hi, Honey,<p>I may be going against the flow with this and I don't want to offend anyone...if I do, I am sorry for any offense.<p>This is the way I see it. You had a situation that upset you GREATLY. You responded to this situation (maybe not in your best interest nor in the best interest of your goals) and you posted your reaction and your feelings about the situation.<p>You are completely entitled to your feelings. I'm glad you vented them here as opposed to picking up the phone again and calling someone who really doesn't need to hear it.<p>
Now, you have been given some really good thought out and caring advice. Something that took me a very long time to realize is this......sometimes the harshest most upsetting words are the ones that are truly the most loving.<p>
Hon, you have got to put things into perspective....under normal circumstances calling your f-i-l with this problem may be completely acceptable. YOU ARE NOT WORKING UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES HERE You have got to keep that in mind.<p>You have goals with this situation, yes?????? You want to try to execute plan A and hopefully move on to plan B, yes? Well, crappy stuff is going to jump right smack in the middle of the road to your goals. Now, are you going to justify these crappy things by acting out to them....or are you going to examine them for what they are? You have got to look at each situation with your goal in mind. There is just no getting around it. Do you want to get mired down in the muck of a set-back or do you want to see that it is a set-back and look at it for what it really is?<p>
Whenever a situation like this (the card and phone call) arises......STOP......DROP...and ROLL...(just kidding)....seriously....STOP yourself from reacting immediately (delay the gratification of telling someone off) and assess the situation and see if responding to is is conducive to your goals.......DROP what is only hindering your progress toward your goal....and let the rest of the crap ROLL off of your back. <p>The crap isn't important. It really isn't. In the grand scheme of things....who sent your son's V-day card where isn't really that important to helping you achieve YOUR GOALS!!!!! You have bigger and much more important fish to fry than a cruddy f-i-l that doesn't put your best interests nor your family's best interests first. He certainly doesn't give a ratt's butt about YOUR GOALS.....keep that in mind and work from that standpoint...the standpoint that YOU are STRONG and you are ABLE to accomplish YOUR goals NO MATTER WHO OR WHAT TRIES TO STEP IN YOUR WAY!!!!!!!! (of course I know your husband is involved in your goals...and he's really the "bigger fish" yes?) Keep your own satisfaction in knowing that you are better than your f-i-l and that you are not going to play a game where he is dictating the rules. DO NOT LET HIM CONTROL YOUR NEXT MOVE.....you think about your next move with you and your goals in mind.<p>
Keep your chin up...if something someone says to you here bothers you, examine why it is bothering you. Good luck and much support to you.<p>{{{{Honey}}}}}<p>Be strong and keep your perspective,<p>selket<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: selket ]</p>

Hi selket, As I look back, your words were quite kind and to the point both times... and everyone's were...even Br, those tougher words just cut to the bone... and I know I hurt me... but I was not trying to be SOOO AWFUL! I was hurt and angry... my adrenaline got going, and my heart starting pumping! It still is alittle when I start to think of this... and that the fil's behavior got me upset, and in turn me and my H argued, and had a setback... see this happended at christmas too when the crummy fil gave my h stuff to decrate his new "home" the "whorehouse" I so lovingly call it... becuase the "whore" picked it out, rented it, and was going to live there... thank my lucky stars she never did... or I am sure I would of already gone to lb hell and back! How do you people do it! I know this is so hard, and the card being mailed there is nothing compared to a woman sleeping there, and that she did... and when I think about that it just makes me want to cry and go get in my bed and stay there all day crying.<p>My H and I were so in love, I do not know how we ever go t here... well I do.. it is the problems that drinking and irresponsible behavior and eventual infideility on H's part, and MY TERRIBLE REACTION TO ALL that has been dumped on me.<p>I start to think... to HELL WITH IT ALL... I will just find someone who will treat me ereight... or live alone... who wants to be treated like this?<p>I don't and won't... but the best thing I can do is stay away from my H when he pulls this crap... it is geared at control.. what kind of man will not let his wife open his son's valentines day card anyway? He has been making love to me, etc.. and then pulls that...? Ok, so we can have intimacy on his terms only? that is not intimacy, that is me being taking advantage of.<p>I cannot be walked on, but I have to remember reacting is often what hurts me even more.. because then I actually feel worse for my part in the mess... and they get what they want.. someone to blame... oh now the evil fil can point his finger and see hahaha see that crzy dil... just like all my crzy ex wifes.. hehehe.<p>what a guy, but you are all right, and thnks for the advise.. it just hurts..<p>what I want is an i'm sorry, and none of you can give me that... only my h can actually put me in the place I should be in his life.. and this is one more example of his not doing that- so I overreacted- so it was only a phone call, and a card, and they are making it so much bigger, so , so am I now... if I had ignored his rudeness all the better I guess..<p>I do appreciate the advise and I am taking it to heart.<p>thanks to everyone who read and posted.<p>Thanks, H

Darlin, <p>I can only imagine how out of control you feel. It must be terrible.<p>So, now....do you know what you have to do? You have to work on the things you can control. That is going to be the only way you are going to gain ANY equilibrium in all of this. Build YOURSELF a STRONG FOUNDATION and go from there......focus on you and your goals....to heck with the rest.<p>This may be suprising to you, but I am coming to you from the perspective of the WS. I was one of those *whores* that you were referring to (although I never went to the extremes it seems she is going to). My husband and I are several years past d/day. I hope I haven't turned you away from talking to me because of choices I have made in the past.<p>You are not SOOOOO AWFUL and of course you are hurt and angry. Channel those feelings away from those goals you are working towards (your hubby and plan A) and give outlet to them somewhere that is safe for you.....like here! <p>Make your own terms now.....you ARE strong and you CAN DO IT!!!! I have faith in you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You are learning as you go along....as hopefully all of us do.<p>
strength to you,<p>selket

Selket you are such a dear!

Honey ~<p>Why are you here at Marriage Builders? You are here to recover your marriage if possible...right?<p>Or are you here to get warm fuzzy validations for your feelings and actions that are clearly out of control - and are actively HARMING you, your Husband, your marriage and your kids?<p>Because if that's what you want - I've been wasting my time posting to you.<p>You see, you are acting like a victim, and a spoiled child. How should I respond to that?<p>You've been here for awhile - you've been told over and over by myself and others that your actions and behavior is out of control and that you need help, but you keep posting for opinions with this hurt, angry and pouty attitude that says that you aren't moving anywhere towards personal recovery from your co-dependence or your H's affair or recovery in your marriage.<p>You are choosing to act like a victim - and yet much of your misery and your suffering is caused BY YOU and YOUR behavior.<p>When your children throw temper tantrums...do you hug them and tell them that it is ok?<p>Because really, thats what you are doing. You haven't accepted the reality of the people in your life, or the reality of your choices and your life. Instead you are wasting your time trying to manipulate and force reality and people into something better to your liking rather than acknowledging what IS. Until you acknowledge what is, you won't be able to move forward.<p>Instead, when reality isn't to your liking, you start throwing violent angry temper tantrums, and then you log on here to ask for comfort or validation of your own crazy unacceptable behavior.<p>As I've told you in the past, I too am married to an active alcoholic. I have insane inlaws too. I do understand how absolutely out of control and desperate your situation may feel - but Honey, your choices are keeping you where you are at.<p>More often than not, you ignore what I have to tell you. Which is totally your choice and you are completely free to do it. But then I have to ask...why do you keep coming back here? It's not like anyone else here is telling you anything differently.<p>Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I think you are pretty insane right now...wouldnt you agree?<p>Anyway, if what you want is for me to tell you "Poor Honey, what an evil guy your FIL is" then I am sorry, but I can't do so.<p>You are going to run into sick crazy people your entire life. It's time to stop focusing and blaming other people for your life and to take responsiblity for yourself instead of "venting" with the intention of getting validation for your temper tantrums.<p>Now, if your H or your FIL was posting here...I'd have alot of pretty harsh things to say to both of them about their behavior. But they aren't here and they aren't asking for help. <p>YOU are here, and YOU are asking what to do, and so I am telling you what is screamingly clear to most people on these boards. I am talking to you about YOUR behavior. Isn't that what your sig line is about? You don't have to LIKE (but you do have to accept) your situtation, but you can like yourself in it. So do you like yourself after this incident? I bet you don't. Was it helpful to anyone? Nope. Did it change anything? Nope. Who did it ultimately harm the most? YOU.<p>So Honey...when you are ready to step out of victimhood, I'll gladly be back to share with you my experience, strength and hope. But until then, realize that your problems right now are the result of your own choices and you are NOT a victim.