I think typing this out will help me, and I know the input and encouragement that this board gives is needed too.<p>The short as I can version is; My W told me the H of another couple we knew and used to live next doors to, told her He loves her, and she decided she had feelngs for him too. She wanted to separate and move in with him. This was 7/2000. skip over all the rest of "normal" stuff. We were getting closer when talking in person and on phone. I could see the building materials for fixing up HIS house setting in the garage when I picked up the kids, looked like they were staying there for good. Then in Nov. she asked if I thought we could make it work with us, I told her if we both tried it would work. She told me to step back and let her take care of dealing with OM. Then week later she called franticly for me to pick up kids at school, not let them go to OM house, He called her at work to tell her he was in garage with motor running, just wanted to die. She stayed here off and on and I told her she should step back and let his family and friends help him. She felt she owed HIM this to help him through this. she started spending more time there than here. Overnight because Dr."said he shouldn'd be left alone". Finally OM decided to sell his house and move 1300+ miles away. My W and OM still talked several times a day, almost daily, but number was decreasing. We were getting along better than in a long time,and doing family things, till mid Sept. he told her he was let go at his job and he didn't want to stay there, was moving to his sister's in the northwest. No more calls from him till he called W to tell her he went into 12 step treatment plan. His sister called and talked to my W for over and hour. She said he was seeing a different woman, and was talking about marrying her, and his family thought it was too soon for him. (Where were they when his wife of 13+years moved out and My wife moved in 3 days later?) My wife told me this woman was an old friend of his and called him when she was with him, and after his first move. He moved to her area instead of to his sister's like he told my W.
Since all this my wife is suspicious of anyone loving her and questions why I stay around. wonders if I'm just going to dump her like everyone else. She told me "everyone would just be better off if I were dead.",and " even God doesn't hear my prayers". I finally convinced her she has alot to live for and can't help anyone by being dead. I told her it also give our children permission to use suicide as a way out themselves, how would she feel to find them dead this way. (tough 2-3 weeks.) She then said that maybe she needs to live on her own for awhile to get herself back, and I should find myself again too. Maybe we can find the people we were when we fell in Love. Maybe we can start over. I told her it was OK with me as long as it was each of us living by ourselves with the kids spending equal time at each house. Seems to me to be a roundabout way to recommit. This is happening sooner than either one of us thought it would, the house sold in 3 days, we close end of March. She always thought the house we built was what I fell in love with, and cared about. She calls it "My Dream" I told her finding someone to love and be loved was the only DREAM I had, and that someone is her. I guess moving away is a way to set that record straight. She has said that maybe we should not sell but stay. She asks me if I'm mad at her for doing this, and I tell her whatever it takes to make her happy is what I'll do. I have to risk losing her if that's what it takes. We will share custody of the kids and are doing great at splitting up house stuff. The plan Aing is harder that ever right now. I let her pick a place to live first so she had best picks in area. She ended up taking one I really liked. towards last we were looking at place together to save time. She told last landlord that we needed time apart and she thought down the road we might be back together. I don't know what's ahead, but I know it won't be dull.

I keep thinking this could be a Neil Simon play. I want the royalties though. <p>D.

You are quite a patient man, and giving to sell the house.. and move to rented property so she can be happy! My H aslo wants me to move.. he says our house is not where he wants to live... my parents own it and the deal I made with my parents when he was away on a drunk for a few weeks and they helped me buy it... or they bought it for us.. was I wuold make sure I could pay mortgage alone.. so we are somewhat beneath our joint means.. the house is affordable to me only , and that has come to fruititon, we knew h was irresponsible... so now he moves out and is in a lease purchase home, says why don't I mover there.. also not good kid neighborhood where he lives...<p>
It is crzed, my kids and I need a home... How do kids feel about losing their home? Are they upset? I think mine would be, expecially moving... or are you in same neighborhood.. my H is abnother neighborhood???<p>He doesn't like living in my parents house.. I thought we were going to assume loan together based on his job... but now.. I have to get my credit in line, etc. and buy it in my own name if necessary, as promised...<p>anyway, quite the mess.. we have been married 10 yrs and moved to this house 4 yrs.. ago...<p>Yes, it does sound like a movie in your case... start the book... I know it is hard, but as giving as you are.. .your w will have to see your love for her.. it comes through so clearly in your post.<p>H

Honey,
What turnaround posting, thanks.
We hadn't told the kids we were going to live apart till Fri & Sat. My W told our D, just a good time while they were talking. She doesn't seem to have problem with it. I told our S,he was harder. He was in car with me and asked what magazine I had on seat, told him it had recipes. he said "for Mom?" I said I thought I would try making them. He started crying, said that he knew I was going to move away from Mom if I was going to be cooking. I couldn't help but laugh. He said they knew something was up, they're not stupid. So I told him we had wanted to each find a place to live before we told them so it wouldn't feel so scary. S seemed OK and wanted to see where we would live. We drove by each place and I showed him how close some of his friends were. We have talked about what they want moved to each place etc. We'll work at making it good for them.<p>One thing I remember that meant to much to me with my W was after the OM's sister called and she found out she had been replaced, she was upset and talking to me. I asked if there was anything I could do to help, She said "you have been a saint through all this." I take that as such a compliment but have to be careful how I use it because she also says if people knew what she did they would see me as the saint and her as the sinner. Not good route to go. I want her feel we are equally blessed to have each other.
One thing we didn't do is talk out all the details. I told her that when she wanted to talk she could and I would rather have the truth later than lies now, only to find out truth later (or know they are lies right from start) I have told her I am here for her whenever she needs me, just ask. She did say she thought we would be farther along than we are at this point. I asked if she wanted my idea on that. Told me she needed to know. I told her that I understood her need to stay connected with OM, it fills a need, but all the while she is in contact with him we can't move forward. There is not enough room for both of us in her heart and it limits how far I let myself go with her knowing he's still there too.
Some of our best talks have started lately. Without LB I have let her know how this makes me feel. She asked me how she knows I love her when OM was so sure he loved her and she beleived him. I am very careful not to say anything against HIM, so as not to turn her against me. Let my actions tell her, I love You, is more than words and good times. It shows even when you aren't trying to point it out. I better give fingers a rest, I get too wordy. This is still best therapy.<p>D.