Hi everyone...hoping you can help me understand.<p>Haven't heard from my H since Friday. Obviously, V-day was Thursday. Prior to that, we had been hanging out - he even sent me a txt message two Sundays ago saying he was still very mixed up and that I was looking very, very foxy. <p>I went out of town for V-day to meet an old friend and we've been having a lovely time. On Friday morning, I got a txt from H saying thank you for his V-day presents and that he hoped I had a nice day. <p>Since then, not a word. I did get home on Saturday to find flowers (presumably from him) with a card that said "you deserve them...". That, plus another card which he mailed to me that said "Happy Valentines Day, VE. Hope you have a good time" And that's it. I mean, even at Christmas he got me a card that said "to my wife, Love, H". But nothing like that for V-day.<p>I do know that he was with OW since Wednesday night (VERY unlike him to take 2 days off work, but there you go...). I assume he came home this morning and was at work. Normally, on Mondays, I get emails or texts, but today I've not heard a single word from him. And if I'm totally honest, this is scaring the cr*p out of me. It's almost like HE is the one doing a 180! What the heck does this mean?<p>I suppose he and OW could have had a fight. But after Christmas, when he didn't see me for well over a week, he hunted me down and really wanted to talk to me after she drove him home. Was asking me if I was seeing someone else and talked about moving back in, etc...<p>Obviously, I'm scared he's made his decision and it isn't me and he just doesn't have the guts to tell me. I know I should be positive here, but this is VERY unlike him. What is going on?<p>Not feeling very well;
VE

VE,<p>Hi, yes, not really the update I was expecting to hear, but then again, if we could predict how our WS behave, we probably wouldn't be here!<p>I don't know what's going on with him, obviously. But I wouldn't get too upset without having more facts. (The fact is he did have some indirect contact with you - the flowers and such.)<p>My honest hope... the more time WS and OP spend in close contact, the more damage occurs to their relationship. Even when it looks like they're getting closer, it's usually a "toxic" kind of thing - they're going up the rollercoaster that exists in their lives also - getting ready for another sickening plunge. (It's only when they've puked their guts out all over each other that they get off that ride!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>I say you're doing a great job so far. I know it's hard. Have you by chance had any sessions with Steve or Jennifer?

I have to agree with J.R. There are days when I wished the OM had not ended the A with my WW. They never got the chance to move from the fantasy and the lust of the A to the real world responsibilities of a committed relationship. The vast majority of As do not result in the the two wayward people leaving their spouses and getting married. Most As will fizzle out when things are in the open (secrecy is sexy) and when they find out they they can't meet each others needs. If they honestly could meet each others needs (and they honestly loved each other in a non-selfish manner), they would have already left their spouses when the A started (that would have been far more respectful to themselves and their marriages).<p>If you can handle it, do your plan A. Fake happiness when you are around him (and perhaps limit your time around him so it is easier to fake it). You may find that the OW will get jealous of his desire to spend time with you and that such will cause them problems in their relationship.

Venus...<p>Sorry things aren't going so well, but remember there is no cut and dried timetable...<p>Could be your H is taking time to think things through maybe? <p>I know this us hard b-cuz I am doing the same thing with separation...although W is not seeing OM...but you just have to give them time and space and be patient.<p>You have done such a wonderful job working on yourself...continue to do that and continue to focus on you....<p>I know those are words you have heard before but they really are important. Keep your eye on the big picture and don't let one weekend or a few days of limited contact get the best of you...<p>Continue to be strong...<p>You can do it...<p>E

Hi,<p>Still no word from him at all. I sent him an email last night just saying hi and hoping he was okay and that I loved him. Haven't heard a peep. Getting a bit worried now - not just for the state of our M, but for him. This is SO not him!<p>JRI do hope you're right. As I said, when they spent Christmas/New Year together, he hunted me down afterward and even spent the night in my arms. And no, I haven't been able to counsel with the Harley's, as I can't really afford it, unfortunately. Wish I could!<p>LongingI do a great Plan A when I'm around my H and when we have phone/email/text message contact. Bit hard to Plan A when I don't hear from him at all, though, isn't it? But yes, I will continue to do my Plan A if and when I see him or hear from him.<p>EladThanks for the words of support! I'm trying to stay strong, but his lack of contact over the past week has been way out of character for him. He's not following his usual "pattern" if that makes any sense. Totally new behaviour. Yes, it's very possible that he's taking time to think things through. I'm praying that this could mean his time with OW wasn't great or maybe that they even broke up. (God, PLEASE!)<p>Anyone else? I'm so confused now!<p>VE

Now, now, remember, you are 12 times the woman OW will ever be. There is no way he has chosen her. Not from my POV looking in from the outside. Be patient. He'll call... Let us know ASAP!<p>You know him and you know this is not like him so there must be a good reason. Keep the faith! Calm down! It's going to be okay!

Well, I did finally hear from him this morning, but only after sending him an email saying I was a bit worried about him and wondering why I hadn't heard from him at all. He sent one back saying he was okay, just very busy at work (still doesn't explain why he didn't ring me or text me last night). He also updated me on a few things with his job and that was about it. Short and to the point. At least I know he is okay. <p>I can understand that he's busy at work and can't email. But I don't understand last night. No text messages? No phone calls? I'm going nuts trying to figure it all out. This behaviour is all so new to me. <p>I'm praying hard. Hope you all will, too. <p>Thank you!
VE

Sometimes I think it is hard for the WS to talk to or even think of the BS because they have to think about what they have done. My WH used to tell me that it was easier to be away from me because when he was around me he had to feel guilty. Was the guilt there because of me? I don't think so but it took him a long time to figure that one out on his own. We did not see each other for several months and only then would he admit that the guilt didn't go away just because I stayed away and that he was not happy when I was not around. I guess that was a positive that came from going to plan b almost from day one.<p>I think maybe when a BS is in Plan A from the beginning, it takes the WS longer to figure out that the guilt and bad feelings they don't like to feel are associated with them and what they have done and the OP has done and not with the BS. Give him space. Let him see that the feelings don't go away just because he hides from you. This could be a good sign. Hang in there.

hi Venus ~<p>*Don't* pursue. I remember how hard that was. My H used to disappear...taking days off from work without telling me...not calling for days.<p>All I did during those times was pace. Sleeping? Who needs sleep? I didn't! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] But what I learned to do was pace, cry, call my sponsor, work on my stuff...and when he FINALLY called, act like nothing had happened.<p>Ok, so I wasn't so good at that. I usually screamed bloody murder at him for being out of contact (because we had kids). Then one weekend, our dog got hit by a car, and I had no money for a vet and I couldn't reach him and had to beg for emergency services - me 7 months pregnant with 2 children in tow. His parents did a good job of chewing him out after that one [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyway, I finally had to realize that he was going to do it no matter what I did or said, and so I could just save myself the energy.<p>Your H may be on an upswing with OW. I know you don't want to hear that. This means he may be distant. Hang in there, and continue handling everything with class and grace [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Another update -<p>Got word this afternoon that I have to move. Owners are selling my building [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I really don't want to leave as I love our flat, but there's nothing I can do. Haven't been given a definite time-line, but rather a forwarning that it will happen.<p>I started to freak out a bit - my H is the sole bread-winner and is currently paying both our rents. The flat I live in is *very* cheap, and I know that moving will require an increase in rent for me. Not good. (And no, I can't work, unfortunately. Immigration reasons that I won't bore you with!)<p>So I texted H and said that the medium I went to visit last month was right (she told me it would be imperative that I move. At the time I disregarded it because I couldn't imagine leaving my flat. Now it all makes sense, of course!)Told him I was scared that we wouldn't be able to afford this, ect... He texted back that "we will work something out. Sorry I can't contribute more at the moment, VERY busy at work sorting out other people's mistakes". <p>So I suppose that explains his silence, in a way. I know when he says he is busy at work, that means he is *really* busy. And at least he apologised for not being able to help me right then and there. <p>Still feeling scared, though. <p>Bramblerose As per usual, your advice and wisdom to me is welcome. Thank you so much. I value your honesty and opinion, even if I sometimes don't want to hear it. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] You're right about not pursuing. Despite my insecurities about his silence, I really just wanted to know he was okay. I found that out and avoided any needy talk. <p>SinkingFast Definitely some good points to ponder on. Thank you! I guess we have to keep looking at the bright side. Silence could equal more confusion/guilt. Given the circumstances, this isn't necessarily a bad thing.<p>Love,
VE

Venus --
Don't panic. Your plan A has been stellar!<p>Just my own curiousity, but what do you think his reaction would be if you brought up moving again? If I remember correctly, he reacted strongly to that before.<p>Would you consider mentioning this to him again as part of your solution to having to move? <p>Along the lines of: Well, I suppose I should consider moving out of the country since I lost my flat, and I'm unable to support myself.....<p>You've been at Plan A for quite some time, did you have a time frame in mind?

You can plan A from a distance!<p>I actually find it much easier to do so currently. I long for contact with her, even if it is trivial conversation but having contact with my WW leads me to feel expectations (that she will respond at all, that she will be kind, etc.) The advice from my counselor was to have NO expectations - that the reason that I keep getting hurt is that I have expectations of how she will behave.<p>You seem to have the same expectations, that your husband will contact you. So, you do much as I used to do, contact your spouse in the hopes (the expectation) that they will respond in an appreciated manner. More often than not, that will not happen and will only hurt ourselves by doing so.<p>FOr me, it is much easier to plan A from a distance because I let her determine when she wants to contact me or see me, and when that happens, I just be kind and caring - without demands or expectations. It is important that our spouses not see us as needy. Needy is not typically attractive.<p>It is very important that you start to develop a lifestyle that is not dependant on him in any manner (except for financially if you are still sharing finances). My wife lives in an apartment but we still share all of our finances.<p>This will be the first week for both of us where we have no need of contact until Friday (and then only briefly). It will obviously be difficult for me but at the same time, it allows me to become a better person on my own and I also don't have to live or be around a person that makes me feel miserable or that cannot or is unwilling to live up to the expectations I would probably place on prolonged contact.

Lexxxy Thanks for your input, and you are right about mentioning moving back to the States. When I mentioned that before (which was way before Christmas) he panicked a bit and made sure that I knew he was still "confused" and didn't know what he wanted. Truth is, I have been seriously thinking about moving back to the States now. But I know if I do that, it would mean I would consider my marriage over and done. And honestly, in my heart, I don't feel that it is. May mention my thoughts to H, but may not. I think if I did and he didn't have a reaction, I would be gutted. <p>I have no time frame in mind regarding my Plan A. Been at it for about 3 or 4 months now. I think about Plan B and what it would mean to me and my sanity, but don't feel it's for me at the moment. I know it is there, and will use it when I feel ready. <p>Longing You're right about expectations - Bramblerose taught me that one and I do try to remember it often. It's very difficult to keep in mind that a certain pattern of behaviour in a WS can break suddenly and without explaination. Which is why I suppose Plan A is so hard. I'm still going strong, though. Thanks for the reminder! And I've definitely developed a lifestyle that isn't dependent on him in any way other than finances. I have my friends and lifestyle and have found things that I enjoy. <p>Good luck to you this week, Longing. The limited contact thing is hard, I know! When my H and I separated (he moved out) it was painful and I was lonely. I soon found a new "freedom" with it, though. Realised I could buy whatever food I wanted, watch whatever I wanted on TV, and go to bed at any hour I chose. I knew I would much rather be doing these things with my H, but since I can't at the moment, I make the most of them on my own. <p>My thoughts are with you. And thank you for your support!<p>Quick update - Guess H is back to contacting me again. I received a text message this afternoon about someone from his work getting fired. Guess he just wanted to share the news with me, which made me happy. But no expectations! <p>Love,
VE

Venus, <p>I am glad to hear that your WH sent you a text. I know how hard it is to wait to hear from them and it is so easy to look at someone else's situation and see how they should handle things. But when it comes to our own situations it seems so hard sometimes. It always helps me to post and then go back and read my own questions. It is almost like SinkingFast is someone else and I can see what she should be doing.<p>I am out of town for work right now (week 3 of 7) and I decided at the beginning that I would not call my WH during this time. I send an e-mail, short and sweet, every morning from work and I send a card every few days. But I decided that while he can delete e-mails and throw cards away a phone call could be seen as pressure to actually have to talk to me if he did not want to and I do not want to pressure him right now. <p>I will go home this weekend for two days and then again in two more weeks and then I only have two weeks after that and the project is done. When I agreed to work on this project my WH and I were not talking. When we first starting talking again and spending time together I thought that this trip would be the end of it for us. I even voiced that concern to my WH the night before I left and he was very comforting. A big part of the concern was also that I am currently working in the city I was in when I found out about the A. I really thought there would be a lot of triggers here for me. I guess I really have grown over the past year because other than one temporary panic attack last week I have been pretty strong and feeling pretty good.<p>I also think the decision to not call him was a good one. He has called several times since I got here. Some days he calls 2 or 3 times and other days I do not hear from him at all. I stopped trying to figure him out and just enjoy the talks we do have. The old me would have been on the phone within 24 hours if I did not hear from him. I am sure that he has noticed that I am not calling him. I have even noticed a difference in the things that he says since I have been gone. For instance, a few days before I left he said that he was not sure how much time we would spend together the weekends come home (he lives in an apartment with a friend and I live in our house). Well the last two times we talked he was complaining about me not being home for very long and why wasn't I taking a later flight out on the Sunday that I leave. That is quite a change from the person I talked to 2 and 1/2 weeks ago. <p>Let him miss you. Sorry to ramble. Just some thoughts. Hope some of my story helps you.<p>I will keep you in my prayers.

Venus --
I'm glad he's back in touch with you.<p>How eery that a medium told you about this move. I believe you also said that she had some insights about your H and his relationship too.
WOW!<p>I would almost feel that this was a sign. You've been a Plan A goddess for 4 months. You H has lived elsewhere for 4 months. You aren't able to work and support yourself. Obviously this situation can't go on much longer. Are you supposed to go lease a new place with a long committment? Or does this mean its time for you to consider moving and Plan B? I think there is such a thing as too much Plan A (and you just become an enabler).<p>Everything happens for a reason.

SinkingFast Thank you for sharing your story with me. It is very much appreciated. What you are saying about letting him miss me makes complete sense. I guess my biggest fear is that he *won't* miss me. I know he did over Christmas, but again, this time is different.<p>I messed up again tonight and kind of (sort of) expected him to call me. He said, via text, that he wanted to tell me about the guy who was fired, but couldn't talk about it then (co-workers around) and also thought he would ring to discuss my moving. While I kind of/sort expected him to ring, I also told myself that he may not. Disappointment enters into it for sure, but tomorrow is another day. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Lexxxy Yes, the medium thing was pretty weird. It was a very powerful and emotional thing to begin with - and yes, the first thing out of her mouth was that I was married and my husband was having an affair. And yes, she did reveal a lot of not-so-very-nice things about OW and my H. Things about OW that I already knew (she's not a nice person. Manipulative. Controlling. Using my H as a "child replacement" since she can't have children herself, etc...). She also said their A would not last and it would be OW who would break it off. Time will tell. And the medium hasn't been wrong about a single thing yet. <p>I totally take on board what you're saying about a long Plan A and being an enabler. As for leasing a new place, I think I may have that sorted out already. (the medium said this would happen as well. Said that it would be difficult at first, but I would find someplace quite quickly). A friend is leaving town and needs to rent his house. No lease. Cheap rent. Voila!<p>Plan B is thought about daily. As is my sanity and love for my H.<p>Hugs to you all!
VE

Venus, <p>I am getting ready to leave work for the day and since I am currently in a hotel I don't have a computer in my room. But I will check in again in the morning and see how you are doing. <p>But for now, food for thought: I had the same fears about WH not missing me. Well guess what, he does miss me. He has called several times since I came to New York. You have to have faith.<p>The WS may be able to rewrite history for for a while, but the truth comes back to bite them in the end. My WH told me once that he was not happy and had not been happy since the day I left him (d-day). That coming from the man who did not want to spend the rest of his life with me and had not been happy for some time. Well then, why is it that he had not been happy since I left? What about before then? I think it took me staying away from him for him to see that I was not the cause of his unhappiness. That unhappiness did not follow me out the door that day. Their baggage usually doesn't follow the BS. It is their baggage. Sure there were things that we could of and should have done differently, but we are working on that. But we did not have make them have an A. That is their weakness and they must overcome that. <p>Now all of the sudden my WH is happy again. Why shouldn't he be. For the time being he has me and the OW. That will not last forever. There will come a time when it will be too painful for me to think about the OW and their relationship, but for now I plan A and continue to work on me. Will it take plan b for me? Most likely. But I can do it? Most definately. Just like you can hang in there. <p>You are a strong person. This place is not for the weak at heart. Give him the chance to miss you. I think you will not be disappointed. You may not get the call when you want it, but trust that it will come. Why wouldn't he miss you? We all know that you are 10 times, no 100 times the person the OW is and he will see it too. Let the fog lift. Let the A die. <p>Hang in there. I will check in tomorrow. And I will pray for you tonight.<p>Lots of hugs.

Sinkingfast, thank you. Your words and personal story are inspiring. Sounds like you're doing a great job, yourself! Well done to you!<p>Thanks for keeping an eye on me and for putting me in your prayers. I will, gladly, return the favour!<p>Hugs to you all!
VE

Venus,<p>I hope everything is going well for you. Thanks for keeping my in your prayers as well. There are times when it seems that the only control I have over this situation is that I can pray about it. That is actually a lot of control. There were times that I would get so down and be on the verge of just throwing in the towel and filing for D myself and I would pray with tears rolling down my cheeks and sobbing so hard that at times I could not find the word to express the comfort that I needed and the one thing I asked for was the He show me what path I was to follow. I always had an answer the next morning. It may sound strange, but I felt as though He sent me a little message. Once it came as a post here. I logged in first thing in the morning after begging for an answer the night before as I tried to sleep and the next day the first post I saw was titled "Never Give Up Hope". I got a call from my WH later that day after not speaking to him for months. The power of prayer is amazing.<p>Hang in there, you are doing great.
Sinking

Hi Sinking,<p>Thanks for your continued support and ecouraging words, darlin! You're right about praying. I've never been terribly religious, but have always believed in a higher power (I suppose that's the important thing!). But ever since D-day, I have found myself on my knees on the floor begging for help, clarity, strength and patience. I have been given all of those! I will continue to keep you in my thoughts!<p>Things haven't changed much since Tuesday. My H has been less than communicative compared to just a week ago. I had suggested in an email yesterday that we speak on the phone last night and figured I would leave it up to him. He didn't ring, but did send me an email this morning apologising for not ringing and explaining that he was at our mutual friends' house last night having dinner. (Which I knew already, because this mutual friend called me last night and said that while H was there, OW rang him repeatedly and texted him all night long. The bonus is that my H wasn't at all happy about it, and apparently seemed very annoyed! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>I've decided to leave it up to him to arrange our weekly date night (which we have been doing since he moved out in November). So far, I've not heard a thing about it, but that's fine. I've been very busy this week and despite missing him, it's nice to be able to get my mind off the whole thing for a while. Besides that, it might give him a chance to miss me a bit.<p>I hope you're well!<p>Love, VE