Hello, glad you are here. You say you are rebuilding and want to "get past the past". OK. Do you and your husband understand the past that got you here? You see, "getting past" sounds too hurried. I hope you take your time, and do the work ... as painful and embarrasing as it is to humble ourselves and acknowledge our past mistakes, I think that is how successful re-building happends.<p>Responses like, "It just happened", "I wasn't thinking" .... these are false reasons that offer no insight into yourself.<p>Where are you currently as far as understanding what motivated you to betray your vows? How strong are you as a woman? Do you have a clear picture of your identity .... the real you? Your weaknesses, your strengths, your thinking habits .... what is it about you that got you into an affair?<p>You aren't expected to have all the answers .... but just asking the right questions is a start!<p>"How do we get past the past?" .... is probably the wrong question you you at this time. A better question might be, "What part of me allowed me to betray my marriage?"<p>What do you think?<p>With dreams of success for you and your rebuilding,
Pepper

What got me here? Very good question and one I have been asking myself for quite a while now. I have a couple of answers but they just don't seem to do much for me. They are: my self esteem issue and spending time together. <p>I have a problem with low self esteem, which I have been working on. My H was busy doing other things and not paying any attention to me. I have learned through this experience that when my husband said "I love you", he meant all those other things that I need to hear. Like, you are beautiful, thank you for doing (fill in the blank), I want you, etc... This list could probably go on for days. We were saying the same thing just in a different language and we weren't understanding that. We definately understand that now. He is helping me with the self esteem issues. He makes a point to tell me when he thinks I look nice, which is often. I am learning to not look for the flaws but for something good when I look at myself in the mirror. Which is kind of hard to do considering my situation. <p>Another thing, is we are just spending more time together now. We weren't. My H and I were living more like roommates that had sex once in a while. He would be in on his computer and I would be in another room in front of the television. We are learning to do activities together now. <p>As I said earlier, these "excuses" don't really cut it with me. I should also throw in here that the OM was an ex boyfriend from high school. And yes I have said those things about "it just happened" and things a long that line. I have went through phases where I wanted to blame everyone but myself. But I know I have no one to blame. I made really bad choices. My reasoning was off.<p>I am becoming a different person because of the A. And my H has a lot to do with that. Through all his grief, he has helped me identify some things I need to work on, like the self esteem. And he is helping me do just that. He says that he over estimated my strength in the past. Now I believe he is under estimating my strength. I know I am stronger than he thinks. I am still here in this marriage and working hard to recover. I know that takes strength and I know I have that strength. <p>We are taking time to work on this. No decisions are being made for another couple of months. We have attended an MB weekend and working the program. Many times we have turned to each other and said "Where was this before all this happened?" I'm sure many people say that. <p>And you are correct "get past the past" does sound too fast. Right now, I would be happy if we could move to a point where comments about the A weren't popping up all over our conversation. But that will come in time, right?<p>Regretting

You sound like a wonderful woman!<p>This is really tough work, isn't it!<p>Courage to be "real" within our marriages and to stay true to our core values is one of the keys I think.<p>What good things have you learned to appreciate about yourself?<p>Pepper

I am learning to except myself as I am. Not blow minor problems up into major ones. See, I've always been overweight the majority of my life. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. I got a lot of teasing growing up. Once upon a time, I had a boyfriend (not my H) who would demean me for it. That got to me eventually. I believed all that and thought my H would eventually believe it too. I am learning to appreciate me for me, just the way I am. When I think I look good when I look in the mirror, I tell myself that and then leave it at that. I used to do that but would then linger to find some kind of flaw.<p>I am learning to do or say what is on my mind. To stop putting everyones feelings ahead of my own. That is another thing that I think got me into this mess. I would just go along with the crowd and not mention my opinion. I am starting to understand that I do have opinion on things and it is ok to voice that opinion.<p>It is a slow process. I sometimes feel like I have so much on my plate....trying to save my marriage and "fix" myself. But so far, so good. I am making progress on myself. I feel like I am making progress on my marriage. At least we are meeeting each others ENs and spending time together and we talk now. I would say that is progress!

Do you think your affair was an effort to "borrow self-esteem" from someone else (OP) who could validate your attractiveness, because you did not know how to feel attractive without someone else saying so?<p>And, a personal question: How old are you? I am ancient, 52, and if you are in your late 20's early 30's .... that is the most horrific time for NOT knowing who we are as women. It gets better with age, believe it or not! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Does your husband meet your needs now?<p>Pepper

That is exactly what the affair did for me. At the time it seemed to give me some sense of validation of my attractiveness. <p>And yes I am in my early 30s. 32 to be exact. I have heard that it gets better over time. And I believe that. Despite everything, I am enjoying my 30s more than my 20s.<p>My H is meeting my needs now. And doing a wonderful job of it. We both have a lot of ground to make up in that department. We have both read a lot of books and are putting Harley's principles into practice. We are doing the best we can right now and that is so much better than we were doing.

Honestly, you don't sound like an overly needy woman (but, I just "met" you, so what do I know? ... LOL). I think you are going to be great at this. <p>I just want to encourage you to take your time with this. Don't rush to be "past" ... I rushed somewhat, and I regret that. Healing is a process, with stages .... not like a door that you enter, and suddenly you're in a new room.<p>The pain holds lessons for us if we take care. Are you sensitive and receptive to hearing your husband's pain? Or, is it too much for you at times?<p>Pepper

Generally speaking, I don't think I am a very needy person. I just let my needs go unmet for too long of a time without speaking up. As my H says, I didn't rock the boat hard enough.<p>I believe I am receptive to my H's pain. But it is too much at times. There are times when I do break down, get angry, and cry. There have been times when one of us has left because the conversation got to be too much, but that was very early in the process. But mostly we have say and talked and talked, trying to understand what got us here and where to go from here, trying to understand the pain.<p>Being honest, I have to admit that I would like things to go a bit faster than they are going. I feel like I am limbo and I guess that is exactly where I have put myself. But I also have come to understand that this cannot be a fast process. That just like a flesh wound, healing takes time. But that understanding doesn't stop me from wishing that we weren't in this position and/or could move ahead in this healing process.