Wife and I separated a few weeks ago. I came home one day to find a note and a lot of her stuff gone. In the folling few weeks, I began reflecting on things I can change to help her decide to come back. I have made changes and continue to work on me. Now she just wants to hang out to see what happens. I would like to send the following e-mail in response to her request. I am asking for critique.<p>Thanks
Cyberdude<p>--------------------------------------------------
Although I would love to spend time with you, I must question your motives. I would sincerely like for you to do the same. In the weeks that you have been gone, I have held my breath hoping for a decision from you on what you want to do with our marriage. Recently, I was finally able to exhale and pursue my own life. I have not been looking for another relationship because I consider myself married to you and for me I feel that it would be wrong to do so.
I have made several changes in my lifestyle and I believe I have found the happiness and inner peace that I have so longed for. This is why I want you to question your own motives and be honest with me and yourself. If you want to get together because you decided that you want to make this marriage work, then I open my arms to you and say let&#8217;s make it happen. If, on the other hand, you are still searching for the answer, then please just let things be until you are sure. The reason I request this is because I do not intend to get on any emotional roller coaster ride. You decided to move out on your own and get your own life. That was a decision you made alone. It would be unfair to ask me and the kids to ride along with your indecision.
I have managed to detach myself from the emotional instability that I had been experiencing. I have not detached from the marriage, just the emotional upheaval of not knowing what was going to happen. I have mentally prepared myself for divorce although I do not want it to go that way. I cannot make decisions for you; only you alone can do that. I cannot say or do anything that will change your mind; you have made that apparent. So this decision of yours has to come from within you and you alone. If you want to spend time with me because you are lonely or bored, please be fair to me and the kids and take that roller coaster ride alone and let me know when you get to the end of the ride.
--------------------------------------------------<p>Please let me know what you guys think. Is there any room for improvement? There is no affair that I know of.<p>Cyberdude

Wow! I think it reads great! You let her know you still care and are interested in making the marriage work IF she decides as well. My H and I "hung out" all the time...and it just prolonged everything. It took him finally DOING something (getting a life, so to speak) to finally push me into a decision. I decided I didn't want to be divorced. He decided to give me another chance IF and only IF I agreed to some ground rules. And I did and have followed them. And in turn he's made changes and huge efforts as well. I try all the time to let him know how much I appreciate him and our chance! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>a quick ps - I just re-read and noticed you said "weeks"? I just wanted to warn you that a few weeks is not very much time for adjustment or clear headed decision making. Definatly tread lightly.<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: hope4future ]</p>

CD,<p>I presume that she left you and your children. Is that right? Then I think a few weeks is a little soon for her to figure things out. On the other hand if you have begun to make changes it wouldn't hurt for her to see them. Perhaps when she comes to visit the children.<p>I do think that "just hanging out" is not a good thing for you or the children unless she has some definite goals and things she is working on. If she just "left" because she couldn't handle things, then having her around right now might be a problem.<p>This is a hard call, but your letter seems straight forward and clear. Have you read about Plan B yet? You should do so. It is however primarily geared for someone having an affair. I don't know if you W is in that situation.<p>So the answer is a definite maybe from here given that I don't know your children's age or the number of them and I don't know your history.<p>Good luck and God Bless,<p>JL

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by cyberdude:
<strong>I have not been looking for another relationship because I consider myself married to you and for me I feel that it would be wrong to do so.<p>I have not detached from the marriage, just the emotional upheaval of not knowing what was going to happen. I have mentally prepared myself for divorce although I do not want it to go that way. <p>I cannot say or do anything that will change your mind; you have made that apparent. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>I would leave out the above sentences, and I would change this one:<p>It would be unfair to ask me and the kids to ride along with your indecision.<p>To this:<p>It would be unfair to ask me and the kids to ride along.<p>You did a good job establishing reasonable boundaries, but I'd leave more to her imagination as far as your future intentions go. And I think that last sentence in the quoted part above might come across as a disrespectful judgment.<p>I admire your strength.