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Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,088
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Oldtimer here.<p>As long as we only seek to be validated in our experiences and feelings we will make no forward progress in the repair of our marriages.<p>This forum is not an effective place for trying to restore broken marriages when all we want is a rah, rah squad. We can find that in many other places.<p>It is much more helpful to entertain views different than our own, for we cannot get that from staying in our own comfort zone. Many of us have a hard time looking in the mirror and focusing on what's wrong with us first and foremost.It is helpful to have someone hold up the mirror for us when we're not strong enough to hold it up to ourselves. It hurts to look in that mirror at times. The truth hurts at times. That doesn't mean we don't need to look.<p>Defensiveness will get us nowhere here. I have rarely in three years seen someone try to be delibertately demeaning. The majority here post with good helpful intentions. You can't wear your heart on your sleeve when taking a hard cold look at yourself and why your primary relationship is where it is. It's painful if we are really willing to look.<p>If we shush those who's insight brings the painful truth to light then we do ourselves not one bit of good here. This forum has never been about that, although at many different times it has temporarily swung in that direction. It during those times that the tone of the board is down and depressing because there is no constructive work going on here. It's times like those that keep us stuck and from moving forward, whether in our journey to fix our marriages or fix ourselves.<p>Please don't let this place become the patronizing, rah rah board that glory.b is for OP. Please let us be amazingly willing to look at ourselves and consider that which is truthful enough to hurt.To do otherwise is to waste our lives and our time here. If you don't like someone's advise or comments or if you don't believe they apply to you, be big enough to simply ignore them. Seeking them out in private posts is fine also, but it's not appropriate for others to jump on the bandwagon to diss them. Let private posts remain just that, private. Those same comments that upset you so much may just have helped someone who lurks that we never hear from. To squelch people's replies and publically scold them because our feelings were hurt may prevent someone else we never hear from, from gaining insight. <p>God's blessings to all of us!

Joined: Jun 2001
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Amen!

Joined: Apr 2001
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Well, I think that some of us just have a very different idea of what support means here. I come here to get ideas and objective insight into my situation. Others come because thier idea of support is to hear nice, sympathetic words - often at the expense of the truth. <p>However, I think it's a little on the tacky, ungrateful side to ask others for help and then attack them when they don't give the desired result. I like brutal honesty with no frills attached [personally I have little patience for rah rahs and soothing nice words] but I would never be so ungrateful as to BASH or attack a person who plied me with nice words just because I wanted support in another form. I think thats downright mean. <p>I hope that folks on this board try to be a little more tolerant and mannered to those who are trying to help instead of condemning them when you don't like what they say. People will STOP trying to help you and ignore your threads if you keep it up. I know there are 2-3 people I will ignore in the future because of this very ingratitude. Why waste my time if I know they might spit in my face and start mean threads about me in case they don't like my input?! Why bother?<p>Or you could just do the gracious thing and thank them for their input and move on. Good grief. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Joined: Jul 2001
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thanks mthrrhbard! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] well said [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Joined: Jul 2001
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Thanks mthrr... I was frankly alarmed by the 'tenor' of some of the posts the last few days... I think many of us are dealing with enought 'rancor' in our home lives to be lashing out at each other...<p>I understand the need to be 'radically honest,' but some of us are being brutally honest...<p>Many of us disagree on ideas and philosophy... w/exactly which path to take... and that's a great thing... <p>I guess I look to don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements and try to live my life and make posts accordingly... especially... Be impeccable in your word and Don't take things personally .<p>Remember that sometimes our words can hurt... but also remember that we can choose to IGNORE words... both are our choice.<p>Hugs,
Cali

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
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Well-said. While I often came here for the encouragement, I have to say that the folks who challenged me and gave me the occasional tough insight (usually served with kindness) to mull over are the ones who actually helped me.

Joined: May 2001
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I for one am definitely here to make myself a better wife. Definitely. Sometimes we have to just take the chaff and grain, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away...<p>In other words, ignore offensive posts and keep posting anyways... Definitely have to develop a thick skin and realize that nothing is personal unless we choose to make it so.

Joined: Dec 1969
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The thing about advice is that no matter how much or how little it costs, the person on the receiving end may follow it or not. <p>I think that this place is great. On the one hand, you can get a lot of your chest (not that I advocate flaming anyone!), and on the other hand, there are people here who've been through similar situations and can either give advice or pose questions you hadn't thought of before.<p>So, I agree with binthere wholeheartedly.<p>[ February 19, 2002: Message edited by: Anise ]</p>

Joined: May 2001
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AMEN!
Been there and done that.
That's all I have to say.

Joined: Jan 2002
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I think it's like everyday life... sometimes you need the rah rah and some days you need the kick in the pants (with love of course!).<p>Both are needed and both are appreciated.<p>And if that doesn't work, take what you really need and leave the rest... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]


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