Our posts keep crossing! Okay, now I'm mad! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] Stop protecting your husband! Tell him you can't do this alone, that you need to talk to the doctor about medications and you need to be honest with the doctor. He should be embarassed!!! But you should not be!!! You guys are in this together (not by your choice) and if you have decided to rebuild and still want this baby then he needs to suck it in and deal with the consquences!!<p>Sorry about that but you touched a nerve. My husband was embarassed and upset that I went for STD tests. And he actually got angry that I went to my regular doctor that uses our hospital lab.
Why? Because he works indirectly with a lot of people in the hospital and knows some people that occasionally work in the lab. Too bad!! I did not do this to hurt him, embarass him, or to air our dirty laundry. Actually, I never even thought about it -- I did what I needed to -- go to my doctor that I have a good relationship with, that I can talk to, and that I trust. He never took the time to think about how hard and embarassing this was for me (and surely didn't think about all the consequences and fall-out that would follow his affair).<p>Okay, I'm done with my vent! I better go get some work done today!<p>Hugs,
JJ

Teresa, I'm so glad you've gotten a counselor! So far mine hasn't given me much help with dealing with the problem, but I'm still just spewing out all kinds of emotions when I'm with her: anger, jealousy, sadness, insecurity, suspicion, annoyance, insanity, etc.. Actually, I haven't given the counselor much time to talk yet, so I guess she feels I have to get it all out first. That will take a long time.<p>I know you must feel particularily betrayed because of the huge emotional, physical and financial investment you made in your marriage, at exactly the same time that he was betraying you. I feel like my husband was particularily cruel because during his affair we planned a move to another city, put our house on the market and sold it, and had a contract on another house when his OW called me to rat him out. I wanted to pull back from the move I had agreed to (basically because he's always wanted to move here--not because I wanted to), but my parents had already moved to the new town ahead of us. My father had a new job here (which he took so that he and my mother could stay close to their grandchildren and us), so I was already committed. So, right on the heels of finding out what a heel he was, we moved away from all our friends and the children's wonderful school. I have been spending the months since d-day in virtual isolation, except for my parents. I feel like he "tricked" me into moving under false pretences. And this move doesn't even make him less accessible to the OW. She's a flight attendant and he's a pilot--they carried on an affair quite easily from two different cities.<p>My friend N., whose 1st husband betrayed her with her best friend, felt her husband was especially cruel because N. herself was an abused child (parents) and raped as a teenager. You'd think any husband would realize that N. was in a very vulnerable position! But, no, he didn't.<p>I'm not trying to say that your situation isn't uniquely horrible, or that you don't have any cause for depression and grief--because it is and you certainly do. We all do. Basically, what has been done to us is so terrible that it is beyond the ability of some people to stand at all. (I'm somewhat beginning to suspect that I'm one of them.) Try to give yourself credit for hanging in there with your marriage. I can't see me willingly bearing this much pain for many other reasons. I wouldn't hold my hand to the burner on the stove, but basically I'm exposing myself to pain and humiliation every day in order to try to fix this marriage and give my children a stable childhood. You deserve a lot of credit.<p>Take care, Teresa. You're in my prayers.<p>Rose Red

If I had it to do over again, I would not waste my time revealing my feelings to a man who is only interested in his feelings.<p>I'm afraid that if you follow the path I took, where I took my H's word that he would do "anything" to rebuild the M, you will regret it as I do. Your H sounds just like mine was. Anytime I would try to resolve something, get questions answered, find out what was currently going on, hold him accountable for anything, etc., it ended up with him being the victim.<p>Each one of those sessions caused hemorrhages from my Love Bank, so that now I mainly avoid these types of interactions because his account in my Love Bank is dangerously close to empty, and I think if I hear even one more purposefully ignorant statement out of his mouth, I will walk.<p>I think you have proven to yourself that he will not take responsibility for being accountable to you, so there is no reason to pursue that. I would continue the "snooping" just so you know what reality is, but it seems to be a waste of time to confront him with anything you learn.<p>When a WS says they'll do "anything" and then they balk at even the most simple of corrective behaviors and/or continue to lie, then their promise to work on the M was a lie. Tune out what is being said and listen to what is being done, and that will tell you how much of a priority marital recovery is to him.<p>You can do what I did and let him know that it is his responsibility to repair the damage he has done to your R and help you to heal from his adultery and that you will not commit to the M unless and until he does, and then let go of it. Concentrate on your issues. Take care of yourself and your children.<p>Formulate your Plan A and see the light at the end of the tunnel (Plan B), then all of your decisions will have been made, and all you have to do is work on your own personal recovery. If he doesn't want to get on the road to marital recovery, which takes BOTH of you, then you are still making progress on your own recovery and benefitting all along the way.<p>It doesn't sound like your H is ready to be reasonable and appropriate, so you are just wasting your energy trying to get him to "see the light". It's all about him right now. You have no control over that, but you do have control over you and your boundaries. Zero in on what those are and then find your peace and comfort within them. If he violates them, you can remind him that they are still there and then maintain them. That's all you have to do. The rest is up to him.<p>For instance, my H wants to sell the house and move to a newer house. When he starts talking about selling and moving, I remind him that as long as I have no security in our M, I am unwilling to incur a bigger mortgage and higher house payment.<p>He, of course, gets angry and doesn't like it, but he has choices available: (1) Provide the marital security I need to make such a huge financial commitment, (2) Research and pursue alternatives that would be financially acceptable no matter what my marital status is, (3) Continue living here and refusing to meet my need for marital security, or (4) Move into a residence of his choice by himself.<p>I have been much more at peace since I set his burden down and left it there for him to pick up when he's ready to face himself and what he did and take responsibility for it.

Hi guys, I don't have time to respond right now, and I have to work a 12 hour shift tomorrow, but husband will be away tomorrow night, so I'll log on then and give an update. Thanks for all your responses and help.