As you may have seen from my posts-my Plan A efforts have been paying off in one area-showing my wife that I can and have changed and that I truly love her. She gace me a V-Day card right on that point. <p>Over the last two weeks, my wife has significantly cut down on contact with OM. No more daily IM sessions. No more 10 e-mails from OM every day. Two IM sessions since 2/4. On 2/4-there was a fairly suggestive(i.e erotic) session. On 2/15 (V-Day) there was a flirtatious session. On 2/15 OM went out of his way to point out how long it's been since they've seen each other (either it's true or he is trying to scam me). He also asked WW why she never calls him. No "I love yous" in IM, but he sent her super love poem to so-called secret e-mail address. WW responded with a smiley face message (that's it)<p>Anyway- this long 3 day weekend was another blessing from God-long walks-dates-lunch together at the beach. My wife caressing my leg in the movies-hugging me first thing in the morning. Tearing up on V Day when she read my card. Yesterday we saw "A Walk to Remember" and I told her that the movie taught me alot about love, things I want to give her and show her. She looked me direct in the eye-with sincerity-and said "really, I would love that." So, lots of good stuff!<p>So, yesterday I said to her "Since you know now that you want to stay married to me, that I am your man, why don't you just write OM a letter ending the whole thing?". She laughed and said to "stop talking". Then, last night, I asked her a simple question, "Does OM know that you plan to end this whole thing forever?". She replied, "Well, yeah I guess so. I mean, he knows that things have changed between us." I asked how he is taking it and she said, "That's it. Only one question".<p>So, here I sit and wait. For what? For how long? The A has now gone on longer since D-Day than it did before D-Day. I think that shows a total lack of respect for me and I have told WW that. I also told her she is hurting me. She said I hurt her plenty over 22 years. I said that was then and this is now. I am not hurting her now-she is.<p>I am being patient. But will my wife ever realize what I've done for her by sticking it out thru all this? Will she ever love me the way I love her? The way she loves OM? Will I ever be able to stop comparing what she does with me with what I know she did with him?<p>How will A end? Harley has one method. I'm sure most WS's don't follow it. So how does it usually end??? I do not wnat my wife to be intimate with this man again, now that she has professed her love for me, and has told me she is staying with me. How can I prevent it?<p>Any comments greatly appreciated.<p>[ February 19, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>

Boppo---<p>While it may seem like forever, you have only been in this for short time...you need to continue to be patient.<p>At the risk if sound like a shill....'cause I have recommended this book several times before...read Michell Weiner Davis' Divorce Remedy...I think it will help point out to you how patient you need to be and how some of what you are doing is actually working against you.<p>One of the things she recommends is NOT trying to take stock of the situation by asking for updates on where your WS is in the process... That, she says, just puts more pressure on them and pushes them farther away....IMHO you need to act "As if..." That is "as if" you and your W are on the right track...she has told you as much, right? And you really need to stop all snooping...it's not doing anyone any good. If anything, it is creating more anxiety for YOU.<p>While things seem to be moving in the right direction don't try to push them...let this take its own course...any pressure you add to your wife could be very counterproductive...<p>My $0.02 for what it's worth...<p>Good luck <p>E

Elad said:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> And you really need to stop all snooping...it's not doing anyone any good. If anything, it is creating more anxiety for YOU.
<hr></blockquote><p>Good point. But I really don't trust my wife at this point. So how can I confirm whether or not she is telling me the truth w/o snooping? I was "fat, dumb and happy" (i.e ignorant) for 3 months while A got started, then got hot and heavy. Now that it appears to be waning, I've got to be ready to step in if I find out it is heating up again, no?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> . How can I prevent it? <hr></blockquote><p>You can't.<p>Accept that. You cannot make her decisions for her. Plan A is about changing yourself, making yourself the best BS you can be. <p>It is not about demanding that she change her behavior -- no matter how much you want her to.<p>So far, I think you've been lucky that she doesn't seem to be angry with your questions. Most WS do not want to be questioned or given a demand that they end it. <p>So, as difficult as it is, I think you need to take comfort in the signs that you see and continue to work on you, and be patient.

What are you going to do if you find out it is "heating up again?"<p>I mean you can scream and holler and cry and pout and even hold your breath until you are blue in the face, but will that change what your W is doing? No.<p>You can't make your W do anything... <p>Continue to work on Boppo...let your W (who already knows you are snooping) do what she is going to do. Surprise her by doing the opposite and don't snoop.<p>I know it is hard...no one ever said trying to save your M would be easy...<p>But IMO snooping, pressuring etc will just have the opposite effect of what you want....<p>E

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am being patient. But will my wife ever realize what I've done for her by sticking it out thru all this? Will she ever love me the way I love her? The way she loves OM? Will I ever be able to stop comparing what she does with me with what I know she did with him?<p>How will A end? Harley has one method. I'm sure most WS's don't follow it. So how does it usually end??? I do not wnat my wife to be intimate with this man again, now that she has professed her love for me, and has told me she is staying with me. How can I prevent it?<p><hr></blockquote><p>Boppo... I have done this thing for almost 10 months... d-day was April 25. The "A" continued over the summer... contact continued through January...<p>In SAA, it talks of 'negotiating' to get to the end of the A... but, in my humble opinion, the A must dissolve 'naturally.' Anything BS does to hasten its end... well I think adds time to recovery because WS may still see us as an obstacle to their new life and freedom.<p>I know it is hard to be patient... I am NOT a patient person... I wanted my marriage fixed... I wanted my H to love me again... and I wanted it NOW... <p>... maybe that is your test... part of your lesson? patience.<p>Hugs,
Cali<p>[ February 19, 2002: Message edited by: Cali ]</p>

Cali---<p>I think you have hit on one of my problems... In fact a key problem with my WW.<p>(Sorry Boppo I am not trying to steal your thread--in fact I was going to include this in my originaL reply)<p>WW and I were in recovery (sort of) when she moved back home...but eventually she was "blocked" in her efforts at recovery and she moved out again.<p>She told me last week one of the things keeping us apart and her in confusion is that she did not have the chance to end the A....<p>It was ended by OM after I brought it to light. (To OMW). She says her ego is keeping her from accepting that she did not control it and, essentially, that she felt rejected...and so it keeps us separated 'cuase she still can't seem to find the passion she needs for me and our M.<p>So Boppo...trying to squash this on your own may backfire big time...you need to let it die on its own...<p>In some ways I wish I had, but of course at the time could never see that....<p>Anyway...it as been nearly a year since then and WW and I remain separated and who knows if we will ever make it to recovery...but I keep trying... <p>It is very sad, though...<p>E

Thanks Elad, Lexxxy, and Cali for your comments.
You all preach patience, my absolute worst virtue. I am an instant gratification kind of guy. I see a problem, i want to fix it, move on to next problem. But this problem, at least my WW's part of it, is out of my control.<p>Biggest issue I have is the knowledge that there is a whole other life being lived by my wife and I am not a part of it. And this OM is. And he is getting pieces of what should be MY LIFE.<p>I have to keep returning to Psalm 73, which warns me against being jealous of what the wicked posess that I don't.

Boppo,<p>I have a little different take. I think it is okay to continue to snoop so you will know REALITY. However, since you know it, you sure don't have to ask her anything about the M or her R with the OM because you already have all the information you need to assess that.<p>I think it would do you good to just step back and detach. Let go. Let her be who she is right now. Accept it. THEN, decide what YOU are going to do. Given the situation AS IT IS, decide on a time frame for Plan A. If, at the end of that time, she is still where she is at right now, then you can reassess where you want to be, whether longer in Plan A or go to Plan B.<p>You have to let go. No more talk about the M, the OM, "us", the future. Just live and enjoy what there is to enjoy.<p>Some choices are not available to you right now. Concentrate on the ones that are. It appears to me that your choices are clear: Plan A for yourself while she does whatever she does, or if you don't want to be in a R with a W who is continuing a R with the OM, then Plan B.<p>The choice you want but cannot force or coerce is HER choice to end her R with the OM and commit to you and marital recovery. That choice is just not available to you. That is on her plate, and you can't force-feed it to her.<p>Stick with the things you CAN control: Yourself and your choices.