HELLO Folks:<p>I am back again with a great need for your advise.we have been married for 10 years and have 2 great kids 8 and 5 years old.I am 37 & my wife is 35. I discovered my wifes affair in january and to sum it up it has been the most painful & darkest times of my life.I assume you all know the PAIN!~~~. There are no words to describe how horrible of a nightmare this has been.<p>
In any event, we have done marriage Conseling and she says that it would never happen again and she is remorsful and so forth....
Now, I am still feeling great resentment towards her. To be frank I don't love her anymore and the reason for this is all the elaborate lies she had told me. she almost went away with the other guy ,on a 5 day vacation, before I found out about it and the whole thing was cancelled!
She still lies and has not told me the whole truth about what happend between them but it is a simple math sort of speak and like my conseler said The damage is done and for me to know all the details would be more aggravation than comfort.
I just don't Know that I could ever overcome this pain. It just doesn't go away . It keeps coming back and makes me furious. I keep saying if I catch her with him I would absolutely divorce her and get this over with. we are moving out of state and I am not happy about that either.I have to start everthing all over again. from ZERO again oh god I am going crazy!!!...there are no way of knowing ? may be she would meet someone else there!. she says men stare at her because she is attractive and she can't help it !
If I stay here , the other guy is only 2 blocks away and you figure. I sometimes run into him or his wife on the way to work or home. it is the most humiliating experince.
I had given her everything, A Brand New House and a new car, tennis club membership , vacations ,jewlery and......the list goes on and on , yes thats right because she was my wife and I wanted her to behappy and have the best I loved her.<p>By the way, I have missed a crucial statement about my wife and its that she has a drinking problem! and since the discovery of the affair she does not drink or at least she knows if she does she would be kicked out of this dishonest & perverted unholy union! Now ,some times I think he might take her out for a drink and she would think Yehhh.. this is a good time....he is fun and my husband is the bad guy who wouldn't let me even have a drink drink drink dink ...drink!. I just don't know how this is going to work out?
.By the way she refused to go alcohol rehap because she says she is not an alcoholic and she can stop without anyones help!
every time I go to work , I think she is with him. I just can't get over this mental pain an desease.
I am trying so hard to be calm and stick to plan "A" and keep on depositing in the love bank but deep down there is a never ending pain , an agonizing pain that is around .
How could anyone get over such dishonesty and deception?. Living with a lier who has distroyed our lifes with such thoughtless and disrgardfull behavior is very difficult and I need to know if you folks have ways of handeling the pain. be honest and tell me if you really have forgotten your pain or truely forgiven your partner.<p>
Also I am thinking I should go and find someone for myself just to get back at her. I would actually wouldn't hide it and let her know all about the details so she could understand my pain but then again it is very childish and even I had the chance i couldn't do it,I don't know may be thats just me! A forgiving Moran!<p>I would appreciate your comments.
Sincerely,
Bleeding goes on

Wow! You have a lot going on but a lot going for you too. <p>I am also moving out of state with a rocky, newly recovering H and pregnant, he is depressed and suicidal. <p>Your wife needs treatment and maybe she will see that. For now, she isn't drinking. Behavior changed. Good. <p>
She is in MC, that is a good thing.<p>As for the details, I know many therapists give that line - ours did too but we ignored it to some degree. There is a great post somewhere (someone else may know remember the poster) but there is a letter written from a husband to a wayward wife describing why he needs details. Basically, he is trying to make sense of their life and how & why this could happen. <p>You are faced with putting a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle with only 400 pieces and you don't know what the picture is supposed to look like. Sounds difficult, doesn't it?<p>If you like your therapist you may find that post and print it out for your wife and therapist. Help her to see that you need it to heal. She will screw up and let things out anyway and that is what I call "breaking your heart slow." My husband did this to me even though I begged him for it all up front.<p>It is still early to decide if you love or don't love her. I feel that way often too. Then I remember when I called 9-1-1 because he had left suicide threats on my voice mail and I knew finally that I loved him. Not for the kids, not for the sake of keeping a marriage under God together but for him. I hope you don't need that dire of a situation to figure it out. It can't hurt to see how the move is going. <p>I agreed to a 90 day plan. I will not leave or discuss leaving for those 90 days, then reassess. You can do anything for 90 days! Good luck!

Bleeding
Don't have much time to post a reply, but see if you can make your way to my threads. My first thread is in Plan A and Plan B under the name danielsan1000<p>Anyway mano, I can tell you I have been taking the same crap you are feeling now. Moving, starting over, all that. I can also say there are times when I think I don't love her anymore too. I also know that is pride and it always comes before a fall. <p>My situation improved with details. I can't believe I am saying this but hearing about my WS affairs, the details of where, how, and when - even about sex!!! U would think that may kill you to hear about but in fact it made me feel relief. I don't know why. i guess it it just that you can't have unanswered questions anymore, you need to know and have every right to. <p>Your wife continuing to lie to you is a bad sign. Somehow you need to convince her that her total honesty is the only thing that may save you. She has to totally disclose everything to you or your pain will increase and you will feel worse and worse - like I did. My wife kept giving me bits and peices, and every time something new was discovered I felt as bad as I did the first day. It's no good to hold anything in, she has to allow you the respect of letting you make your own decision on things. If she is still lying, she is controlling you, manipulating your life by deception. You can't make a proper decision on who she is and whether or not she is worth it until you know everything.<p>Not that this will save anything, but I know what made me feel better over the last while, and I know what made me feel worse. Read my threads dog, we have some things in common. <p>harley

I too am finding it difficult two years after discovery to move forward without the details. Instead, the time is only making it worse for me without full disclosure. All I have are the bones with little "meat".<p>A previous poster has said there is a letter written by a husband explaining why he needs details to move on in his recovery. If anyone knows where this letter is, I'd appreciate it being posted.

Obviously, there are at least two schools of thought on full disclosure. Your counselor believes that the details would only hurt you more....and that may be true. But I believe that the pain caused by that (and perhaps the humiliation of your wife actually having to TELL you), would probably be best in the long run.<p>If she tells you, you're going to be hurt (maybe even more than you already are), she's going to be demeaned to do so. BUT by having full disclosure, your imagination won't be wondering FOR EVER exactly what happened, and there won't be any chances for her to slip up and reveal something that she'd previously denied...thus causing MORE mistrust.<p>Beyond that, only time will heal your pain. It would certainly help to have full cooperation from your W, but it's not necessary for YOUR healing. You WILL get through this- with or without her.<p>God bless.
Kev

Bleeding, Have you read Harley's books? Surviving an Affair would be a great place to start. You need to focus on how to change your attitudes and feelings that may be interferring with a real love relationship with your wife.<p>My WS is a drinker, too and he, too, has not be drinking much during his A. The A is an addiction and it takes the place of substances for that feel-good lift the addict needs. Drinking is a huge love buster and you should read what Harley has to say about that. It is very hard for an addicted person to fill another persons needs. But I know for a fact that there are people who go to Alanon and have learned to live with an alcoholic....<p>Unfortunately, you have only spent 2 months in this merry-go-round hell hole and changes do take time so you will need to focus on yourself to see if you are able to grow through this and if you want to work on your M.....It can take 6 months or a year before the WS comes out of the fog.<p>I have forgiven my WS and OW. I prayed for months that God would help me get to that place cause I knew it would hurt only me the most to stay in any resentment or revenge. (revenge was big for me) God, step by step, brought me to that place and I sent a letter/e-mail to both and truly forgave them and spent many hours praying for them both. I have a FREEDOM now that has helped to move forward with or without WS. I spent many months, though, consumed with the pain of WS's rejection. I could not get free from it and was afraid of what I would do to relieve the pain. I asked my Pastor and Elders to anoint me with oil and pray for God to heal me emotionally.....AND here I am 11 months from D-day with no pain and clear thinking and the ability to make sound decisions. I still cry and I still get mad and I still feel frustration at times but I am not overwhelmed with deep, deep wounds anymore and I am so thankful. The key now is to keep the WS from reinjuring me. <p>Your WS is a confused, painful person who needs to discover that she and only she can make her life better. Patience and focusing on yourself is a key element here, learning about boundaries and respect and how to keep from enabling her to continue living distructively. This board and Alanon would be the best things you could do right now......So get all the help you can and see what happens.<p>TW