Hi back from holidays, (didnt make the flight to Cancun , so went to Florida instead )<p>I need some advise. I'm having a very difficult time geting over the anger and resentment I feel towards H. Deep down I feel he regrets his actions, but I cant get it out of my head what he has done to me. I get so angry and LB all over the place. I cant seem to hold it in. I know its wrong but I get so wrapped up in my emotions that I just want to explode. Everything just seems to remind me of all the lies.<p>He wants my love back (I still do love him, but I guess I'm not showing it well) He says he'll never do it again, but I can't stop thinking (and saying to him) that he has told me the exact same thing last summer. But 2 weeks after D day, and my forgiveness, he went right back to his secret chat line.<p>How do I get over this?? I want my marriage to work, but Im failing. Councelling is not helping us, anti d's are not helping me. Ive read all there is to read on this site, and need advise from others that have been thru this.<p>Plz help. thanks [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear scared,<p> First of all, I don't think its possible to just "decide" to trust again. This man has betrayed you not once but twice. No wonder you feel resentment and anger. That's completely normal! Its his turn now. He has to walk the walk if he is truly remorseful and serious about getting your love back. Its what his actions are, NOT just his words. Dohis actions and his words match? Is he doing what you need to help you feel safe? Have you told him what it is that you need from him? <p>I understand how you feel, I am going through the same thing myself, my H has had several A's, but I found out about all of them at once when he confessed. <p> Our MC asked him to consider having a polygraph test done periodically to check on his honesty and fidelity. Amazingly, he agreed and even went so far as to tell me that if he ever said no to it, to take that as an automatic guilty! So I feel like he is serious about working to regain my trust, which has been shattered by his betrayals and continuous lies. <p>The polygraph test may be a little much for some people, but I am going to hold him to it for awhile, so that I can begin to feel safe again in this relationship. Hope that helps, Carmen

scared to be single - email me if you want...ok? I was wondering where you had been...<p>kj274@hotmail.com

scared to be single again,<p>Your H has to earn your trust back. It is not yours to give freely... you are finding this out. What is he doing to prove his commitment to your and our marriage. What is he doing to live an open and radically honest life?<p>Some of the things that my H did that has really helped me is that he gave me the passwords to all of his email and chat accounts and to all of his computers (we have several at home as we are computer professionals). We then installed keystroke tracking software on all of our computers. We now live a totally open and honest life. I am under the same rules of openness he is under. If he wants to monitor my computer use he can. He also has all of my passwords. <p>What do you need from your H to so that he can earn back his trust from you? <p>Have you and he read the MB books? If not I suggest that you start with the book “Surviving an Affair”. It has some suggestions in there of things that can be done to help rebuild trust.

Hy H is "walking the walk" as firefly put it. But he ia a very impatient person. He wants a quick fix. When he sees me dwn in the dumps, instead of trying to pull me out of it. He gets down too. Then the whole cycle starts again. I get angry and bitter. I cant help feeling that Ive been a fool since I found out about his EA's. How I was at home, being a good wife, while he is out with other women (6 of them, but the number seems to be growing) It burns me up inside. I think how could someone who says he loves me do this to me. Part of me hates him, but part of me loves him.<p>Last night when I told him I loved him, he said in a matter of fact way "do you think so?" That set me off, and he slept on the couch. He says I dont love him because Ive told him I hate him. Its true I've told him that, but that is in the heat of anger. He says I cant love him , bcuz I phsically hurt him (punches etc,) also in the heat of the moment. He says I dont love him bcuz we rarely have sex. It averages about once a week, and I feel thats OK. never in our relationship was it daily (except of cource, in the first few weeks).<p>He is the one who feels unloved?? What about me?? How cld he love me and have continued cyber EAs for so long and with so many different OW.<p>Im so confused here. So angry. He says wants to keep our family, and so do I. THen why are we failing so badly??<p>Plz help. I need a lift.

Dear scared,<p> Its funny that you should be dealing with this right now, cuz I am too. I had a session w/ my therapist, and he says that a period of grief is completely normal and not to fight it all the time, which is what I have been doing. (I'm 5 months post-D-day) I have been feeling like I ought to be putting this behind me, but somehow I just can't. Its something I think about everyday and it makes me sad. So today, if I am sad, I will just let it happen, and it will be ok. <p>I feel this way even tho my H is doing all the right things to help me feel safe and we talk about us all the time. Its hard, I know, for him to be patient, I know he gets tired of hearing me go on and on about how sad I am, but he is willing to listen and for that I am grateful.<p>I have also hit my H a couple of times in anger and grief and told him that I hated him. Probably the better thing to do would have been to tell him I hate what he did, to me , to us and our relationship and to our family. Because thats really the truth. I love him but not his actions.<p>Your H needs to understand that there is not quick fix ( I wish there were, I'm tired of hurting!) and this is something that you both will be dealing with for some time to come. Its grief over the death of what you thought you had, of YOUR reality, and thats something that takes time to come to terms with. Have you gone to MC? I would recommend it if you can afford it, the therapist talking to him about whats normal for you to be experiencing and what to expect in the months to come may help him learn to be more patient with this process. Carmen

This is what I did. I quit saying I Love You unless he said it first. I quit talking about the A, the M, "us", the future, anything like that. Any feelings or reactions I have, I talk about it here or I write it in my journal.<p>Internally, I accept and affirm daily that he never loved me since he did what he did. That simply is not love to me, so I will never accept that anything that happened before was real. I don't believe him when he says he loves me, but I don't challenge him on it, just go with the flow.<p>I don't look at the R in terms of love anymore. I accept it for what it is right now. I know the only way it will ever become anything else is if he deals with the hard stuff (my journal) in an appropriate way, and even then I may never get over what he did to me, but that is okay.<p>I give myself permission to grieve for the man I thought I knew, the man I miss, the man I will never see again, and for the M I thought I had, the foundation I thought it was built on, the reasons I had children with him, all of these things that were not what I thought they were and are gone forever. But I do my best to grieve in private or with my support system because he is not where I am and does not demonstrate appropriate empathy.<p>As I grow stronger, I imagine I will continue to reevaluate the R and whether to continue or not, but as things are now, I am not committed to the R, and I won't be until I feel it is safe to. That will be up to him.<p>I'm able to keep my anger and resentment in check because I know how precarious the M is and how much danger he is in of losing everything, so I mostly feel pity for him.<p>I think the anger comes from our desire to have things be different than they are, our wish that this had never happened. All of these emotions are natural stages of grief, and it is probably easier to just allow them to wash over us and find safe outlets for them when they overwhelm us. But I do think feeling follows thought and action, so by working on the tapes in your head (as Dr. Phil calls them) and pursuing a purposeful course of action you can influence the way you feel.

scared to be single - how many cyber A's has your H had? I'm not sure how many my xMM had, but I do know he had an affair while he was engaged (supposedly a one night stand)...and one time after we were broken up I asked him if he considered this an affair...and he said yes...an emotional one. I was like oh. How did you know it was called that? And he said I've been through a few I guess!!!! I was like oh. He then tried to backtrack and say he meant relationships in general (yeah right)..<p>I wonder if this is a pattern with your H. An addiction. I also know that my xMM loved internet games. He proabably was addicted to the computer...is your H this way?

im so lost right now. really dont have the strength to even post this.<p>just talked to the OW , she sd H told her she loved him. oh my god, i dont knnow what to do.<p>Im so hurt. I love him so much. Ive blown everything. i went on the chatt line and spoke to him. at least i think it was him. I dont know where to turn. this is the only place i know. i want my family, thought he did too. <p>I feel like such a loser. the worlds biggest fool. A sucker, a moron. HOw did this happen to me!??<p>
Oh god. I need your posts. everything is so ****ed up.

plz help. I dont know what to do. should i wake him up and kick him out. or leave it till the orning??

Dear scared,<p>Stop to think a minute, please. Can you really trust the OW to tell you the truth? After all she wants your H, don't you think she is capable of lying to you in order to get you to do just that, kick him out? WHy on earth would you trust her? Their whole relationship is built on lies after all, and she is a part of that lie. Hold on if you can til the morning, things may be clearer then. If you can't wait, try not to LB if you decide you do need to wake him and need to talk about this. I know you are in terrible pain and i'm sorry. I have been through just this too, and oh, how it hurts.

The OW doesnt know who I am pn the chat line, Im playing his game. I have two idenities on the chat line. One Im the Wife, the other Im her friend. <p>When she is talking to me as her friend she says she is so hurt, she didnt know he was married, how could he have lied to her. He loves her she loves him etc etc. <p>When she is talking to me as his wife,, she is bs'ing me. Says do you know about our threesome, he's so hot. Really vulgar stuff. Just trying to egg me on. <p>When I was just pretending to be someone else that he met in the summer and talking to H (keep in mind he didnt know it was me) he was saying that his wife hates him. Thats why he is with her, he needs to be with her cuz his wife doesnt understand him. Thats how I know it was him, bcuz this is the exact same stuff he says to me in his rages.<p>I talked to H a little bit about my chat conversations and still complete denial. He swears it wasnt him and that people are out to get him becuz he has played with so many womens emotions on there. He tells me not to believe anything that i read on there. <p>I dont know who to believe anymore. Im so lost. I cant stop crying. Ive been sobbing since 4pm this afternoon that I cant see out of my eyeballs anymore. I want to believe my H. But I just cant. I also cant believe that ***** on the chat line. I cant even belive in myself anymore. Its like I dont know who I am. I used to think I did, but not anymore. I used to be a strong independant woman before my son was born. Now I need him so much for myself and the baby we created that I cant be strong. I feel like a jellyfish, and all I can do is reach out for support cuz my inner strength is completely gone

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God I am so sorry you are going through this [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don't know what you should do, since I am not married. But I think waiting till morning is good. Do not make rash decisions when you are feeling this bad. I want you to focus on your son right now. Take care of yourself and your son. Please do not get further involved in these online games (you chatting with her, pretending to be a friend)...I think that is going to hurt you more. Obviously H is still in the fog. I'm not sure what the best move is now. Damn that OW. Wish she was strong enough to let go of him. Wish your H was strong enough to let go of her.<p>I don't have advice, but I am listening. I'm praying for you.

I hate that she is causing you pain like this. It makes me sad [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi ST/BSA,<p>Your H has to earn your trust back. You are scared because you think you have been made to play the part of a fool. <p>Whether they have dubbed this on your or not is their business. You don't have to give validity to that charge. <p>Most WS will say their mate is bad in some way otherwise where is the fun of the A? It just doesn't sound right for a man to say to the OW: 'my wife is sooo great that I am here to be with you because you are worse than her.'<p>Right now, don't listen to that kind of babble. Also be aware that some OWs pretend to be the WS and will tell the BS whatever it takes to make the BS kick the WS out of the house. <p>Watch his actions. Don't police him just watch his actions. Learn the look that gets attention. Not the look that throws daggers but the one that makes him wonder why are you looking at me that way? What is a matter? The look that will cause him to show care for you. <p>JMHO,
L.
PS: you are not the fool, the ones in the A are the fools.

My husband stopped caring for me months ago.
Nothing I do now is going to change that. This I feel to be true in my heart and it just kills me. I have never stopped loving him through this. But obviously he doesnt feel the same way about me anymore. <p>Every thing changed when we had our son. He was no longer the focus of my attention and I suppose at that time he felt the need to find other excitement. <p>I thought children were supposed to me a happy couple stronger. Cuz we were happy before I was very pregnant. It hurts so much that he chose this time to be wayward when its when I needed him so much. I suppose no time is a good time to do what he did, but somehow it makes it so much worse to look in my sons eyes and think that he may only see his beloved father everyother weekend. He has always been a wonderful father, helping me with him. Taking him for walks etc. <p>I feel so lonely even though he is still living here in our home. I fear it may be too late to rebuild. This terrifies me.

Read up on the basic concepts and concentrate on making yourself stronger. For me focusing more on my child helped. H always knew I was helping others so my focus was of no surprise to H. <p>My H was jealous of the attention I showed to our son. H wanted a daughter very badly. I am not sure why. He has 6 sisters and 5 brothers. He always felt his sisters were a pain of sorts. <p>Anyway, H & I grew apart since there was only so many ways I could put my attention. <p>I found it better to work on myself. <p>Hope this helps.
L.

Scared,<p>It's good to hear from you again. I didn't know you were away on vacation. I kept trying to see if you had posted, but I guess I lost you in the madness from my plans for homeschooling next year. You hang in there. Many of use have been where you are.<p>For the most part, I think OP's are vultures, feeding on the remains of marriages. <p>You just hang in there. You can make it if you don't have your lying, cheating husband there. I agree with the others over the trust issue you're having. He hasn't exactly shown himself worthy. If you want, you can give him another try and hope he comes around. Put your mind at ease, it doesn't appear to me that any of this is your fault. But, I think you should stay out of chat rooms for now. Just monitor what your H does. Try not to let him know that you are watching him. If something goes wrong and you are sure it's him, I suggest that you leave without saying a word. Get some sort of proof of his infidelities and get a divorce. He won't be able to afford the divorce from you, but that doesn't seem to scare him very much. You deserve for him to treat you like his queen (and he deserves to be treated like a king, unless he's untrue to you.) I hope this encourages you in whatever path you choose. I hope it is clear what I'm trying to say. I honestly am very upset with the way your H is treating you. I wish there was more I could do. I think that my indignation here is reflected in my message and if it confuses you more, I am so sorry. Please take care and keep us posted.