I am a WW. Not something I a very proud of. This is an attempt to tell my story as best as I can for those of you who are interested.<p>My H and I were married in May of 1999. We were both 29 at the time. We had lived together for a little over a year when we were married and things were going well for us. We spent time together. We did things for and with each other. But I'm not sure when things changed. <p>By the time the A started we weren't spending much time together. We would spend our evenings and most of the weekend in the same house but hardly in the same room. We got along well and never argued. Yes, we would disagree on things but we didn't argue or fight about it. Things around the house got done and sometimes we actually did them together. But for the most part we didn't spend much time together.<p>Enter the OM. He is an old high school flame. A blast from the past. In late July or early August of 2001, he found me on PlanetAlumni and then emailed me. I thought it would be kind of neat to have a old friend in my life. You see, my mother had been friends with her first love for years and I always thought it was neat that she and my dad kept in contact with him. (I realize now that their situation is much, much different.) And I had wondered several times over the last 13 years what had happened to the OM, so I emailed him back. And things went to hell in a handbasket from there.<p>I told my H about emailing the ex-boyfriend and he wasn't concerned. Atleast he didn't show any concern. At one point he even told me to go have a beer with the guy. This lead me to believe that I was right that my H didn't really care. <p>After about a month, the emails turned emotional. We started talking on the phone everyday. And then we met. The day we met for the first time was 9/11/01. Could we have picked a better day?!?
Shortly after that, the A turned physical. From then on I was in over my head and it took me a while to realize it and start swimming for the surface.<p>From the 9/11 to the end of the A was about 2 months. It ended because I had had enough of him and his whining. That is the only way I can now describe it. You see, as I said earlier we were high school sweethearts. And that relationship didn't end well. Basically, I dumped him in order to get a college education. He kept blaming me for how screwed up his life is. It was my fault because I dumped him. The time we spent together was good for the most part but we didn't do anything. We would talk but mostly about high school. There were plans made for "someday". Things were good and then he would start berating me for ruining his life. And I took it because I apparently needed him. When he wasn't berating me, he made me feel good. <p>And then one day, I looked at him and wondered why I would want to give up my H for "this". The answer was that I didn't and I ended it. And I didn't exactly do a very good job of ending it. See, I had a plan. I wanted to let him down gently because I didn't want my H to know about the A. So I told the OM that the A was over but we could still be friends and email if he liked. And I figured that I would eventually stop doing that. Get rid of the guy slowly so he doesn't cause me any more problems.<p>Then my H found out. He went through some of my things and found some hard copies of some of the emails. My plan speeded up from there. I called the OM and told him that I didn't want to ever have any kind of contact with him ever again. I didn't tell him that my H knew about us. Other than a phone call about a week later to tell me that he was ok with no more contact, I have not heard from or seen him since.<p>Since the A has come into the open, I have found out a few things. At the end of the first relationship 13 years ago, the OM told my dad that we would all someday regret what I was doing to him. Did he plan this A to hurt me and my family? If so, I played right into his hand. I took all that he said to me at face value and bought it hook, line, and sinker. How could I be so stupid? <p>As for my H, I think he wonders the same thing. As I said, he found emails. He also eventually found a second email account and got to read all the emails the OM had sent to me and some of the ones that I sent to the OM. Many, many details. At this point, my H seems to know more about the A than I could ever remember. In the beginning, I wasn't exactly honest with my H. I'm not sure who I was trying to protect, myself or my H. But now he knows everything. And I do mean everything. There are details that he knows that no one really needs to know. He felt it would help him in some way but I'm not sure that it has helped. He has told me that he wishes he hadn't felt the need to read all those emails. But what is done is done, on both our parts, and we are dealing with it all the best we can.<p>We haven't told many peope. Just a few close friends and some family members. They are all very honest with us and supportive of our relationship. We are also seeing a counselor. We recently attended a MB weekend and are currently working on the 20 follow up course. We seem to be making progress most of the time. <p>There have been sent backs from time to time. Triggers. Thinking. At this point, the plan is that there will be no decisions made for another couple of months. To give us both time to think and work on our relationship. As hurt as my H was/is, he didn't want to make any hasty decisions. Every so often there will be a "bad" time. He will tell me that he doesn't see how he can stay with me, implying he is just hanging out until the decision can be made. And then we will have a good time together, things will get better, and we will tell me that he thinks we can make it. Pretty typical from what I understand from what I have read on here.<p>This is just an overview. I didn't figure anyone would want all the gory details. But I am open to any comments, questions, or suggestions any one reading this may have. <p>As I have said, I want to make this marriage work and work better than it ever has in the past. I love my husband very much and I lost sight of that for a while. I got selfish. But that is no excuse. I try not to make excuses for my behavior.<p>My H is the one who found MB. Some of you may have "spoken" with him, so some of this story may sound familiar. If my H is reading this, know that I will always regret the pain I have put you through and know that I love you.<p>Thanks for reading my story<p>Regretting

Hi, thank you for sharing your story, as a BS we are always looking for answers. My story is much like yours, only I am the BS. We let things just kinda happen, kept busy with our daily lives, didnt spend much time "together", it took its toll. You are very lucky to be able to mend things, at times situations seem hopless, I know my WW sees things as being unrepariable, she does not love me right now, I understand. <p>She wants to goto Germany for awhile, indefinatly is the word she used, and take our 18 month old S with her. Her dad lives in Germany, her dad supports her decision to leave our marraige, although none of her other family is happy with her right now.<p>I am glad that you came and posted your story, its helpful. I wish you the best. We love to hear happy stories here.

((( Regretting )))<p>Were you surprised to learn just how deeply your H loves you once the sh*t hit the fan? <p>Thanks for sharing your story! I'm sure this was not so easy for you.<p>Hugs.<p>Pepper

It sounds like you are working very hard to recover. Of course a major problem is that you had the affair after being married only 2 years. I am sure your husband after reading all of the emails wonders if you could ever be faithful in the long run. If he read the emails and found you that you also had unprotected sex it will make his decision that more difficult to remain since you put his health at risk due to your selfishness.
My suggestion would be to ask yourself if the roles were reverse; what type of things would you want from your husband to prove that you could be faithful and honest in your marriage? I wish you luck.

Hi Regretting.<p>Well, your aftermath sounds oh so familiar, and my dear, all of what your husband is feeling is normal. The road you have chosen, rebuilding, is a tough one. It's full of twists, turns, rocks, pebbles, boulders, and much more. However, there is a light at the end of this long dark tunnel you are venturing into.<p>I too thought that all the gorey details were better left unsaid, but now I believe that it's all a part of their healing. I think that some of it is a proof to them that we are willing to go the distance to rebuild the relationship we almost sacraficed for nothing. He will most certainly have days that he feels he cannot live like this, but it's all normal. It's all part of his pain and emotions that he is feeling. Face it doll, you betrayed him to the fullest. Now, you are asking him to offer you his heart and soul, and when you least deserve it. He will, eventually, but you have to take the punches with the good times. Be willing to listen, I mean really listen. You need to allow him to talk as openly as open get, and try not to take offense to the pain that shows through. It's not a direct jab at you, he's sharing his most inner feelings about all of this. He is allowing himself to be vulnerable, and that's one of the most difficult things for a BS to do for us. How do you accent his effort? You have to be willing to answer any and all questions - espcecially the ones that are most difficult to admit to. This my dear will show him that you are truly dedicated to working with him at saving your marriage.<p>Search your soul and own the dark lies you fed him during your affair. Let him know that you realize and acknowledge his pain. That you know his pain is caused by your choices and that your future together is going to be determined by his choices. Also let him know that you have your own pains that are real, and that although they are true and real pains that you feel they are in no way ever meant to belittle his pains and hurts that he is feeling. These are only some of the things you need to be able to talk about.<p>You have to allow him a chance to sit down and just spill his heart to you, all at once. In doing so you need to simply listen, acknowledge, and share in his feelings. Don't take offense and don't get defensive. This is not meant for him to attack you and you should not feel that it is. This is so that he can have the opportunity to really get it all out. Even the things you feel you may have already discussed.<p>Also, things will come up here and there. You will discuss certain things more than others, and some things a number of times. It's ok, and you have to be willing to do this for him. Learn to talk to him in his love language and share with him yours. Remember that the little things count. <p>I did a few months ago something really nice for my husband that was simple and a little jester to say I love you. After putting our son to bed I put on a nice dress, got out some wine glasses and wine, candles on a small table and put it all out on the little porch off our one room upstairs. I picked a song to play on the computer and called hubby upstairs by me. Then I turned the song on and walked him out on the porch to have a glass of wine and dance with me under the stars. Another time he seemed to be having a difficult time with things I got out this black pearl (it was my moms from when she was younger. She gave it to me because it was one of the things that I'd always admired of hers. Not to mention black pearls are very rare.) Well, I took this pearl and told him I wanted him to have it. That it meant a lot to me and I loved that pearl and I wanted it to be a symbol to him that he means a lot to me and I love him very much. Try some little things to help him along.<p>Also, remember, you can never over-reassure him. You are doing fine my friend. Keep your chin up and don't worry when things aren't always peachy - it comes with the territory. I wish you well, and hope this helps.

I just skimmed this but I wanted to you, that WS who WANT to SAVE their marriages are always welcome here.<p>good luck to you both<p>marriages can be saved & are.<p>sounds as if ya'll are doing the right things. Remember your BH will have triggers that will be hard for him, don't take them all to personally when he LB's.<p>come here when you need help

Hi Regretting,<p>I'm interested in your story because it's a bit like my W's and I need to appreciate her perspective. She and OM have both stated that they want to dump their partners though which you never contemplated. How did you view your H when the A was at its highest? And how did your feelings change as it subsided? I can't convince my W of anything right now - the A has to die down, but what does she really feel. Her attitude to me changes with the wind.

PaulBradley<p>I'm not sure that I can help, not knowing your situation. But I will answer your questions to the best of my ability.<p>First, let me say that the OM and I did make "plans for the future". They were always for "someday". And someday was never today or tomorrow for that matter.<p>At the height of the A, how did I view my H? It takes some thought to remember and answer honestly, but here it is....he was a roommate that I cared for. We were not spending much quality time together. We are eccentially two people living under one roof...like roommates.<p>As the A subsided and the fog started to clear, I was able to put my dissatisfaction with the M into words. Something I had not been able to do. As I was able to do that, my feelings toward my H began to get better. I realized that things were bad but they could be fixed, all I had to do was talk to him. Unfortunately, this insight may have come too late. <p>I am sorry to know that the fog has not cleared for your W. It is a strange world to be in. I was living for a fantasy and it may have destroyed my M. It is hard to describe the fog. It is sometimes hard to look back through it and remember how we felt. In it we tend to look for all the faults we can find in our spouse and look for all the good things is the OP. The fantasy looks better than reality. It is the whole "grass is greener" thing. And let me tell all those out there, that I know in my case that it is not greener on the other side.<p>I don't know if this has answered any of your questions. I hope I have helped in some way. If you have any other questions or comments, please feel free. I will answer you as best as I can. <p>Regretting

Hi Regretting,<p>Your reply is exactly as I hoped. I just pray that my W comes to the same realisation. Of course my M has more history, 2 children and more pain for my W and me. What made the fog clear for you? and could your H have done anything to help it clear?<p>Thankyou so much for your time.

Paul Bradley<p>Yes, my H could have done many things to help me but he didn't have any idea what was going on. I didn't tell him that I was dissatisfied until about 3 days before I ended the A. It was one day after I ended it that he discovered the A.<p>What made it clear? In retrospect I can say the following. The OM did a lot of LBing. He did this right from the start but I needed other things from him enough to overlook that for a while. I finally recognized the LBing for what it was. He was playing games with me. I woke up one day, looked at my H and decided he deserved better. <p>And I deserved better. See, I have this self esteem problem. My H wasn't giving the esteem support I thought I needed, the OM was. But none of it was worth it. I realized that my H couldn't give me what he didn't know I needed. I had the attitude of "he should just know. I shouldn't have to tell him." How wrong that is! <p>Anyway, something just snapped or clicked into place and I realized that my life wasn't so bad, that I love my H, and I want to make a better M. I have not waivered from this, even after d-day. Although my H has.<p>I don't know if this has been any help. I can't really explain how I came out of the fog. It was more like waking up from a dream....what I realize now was a bad dream. <p>I don't really know your story. Is it posted anywhere? I wish you luck and success.<p>Regretting

Hi Regretting,<p>My story is summed up in my signature block. I desperately want to save my marriage which has gone wrong through 5 years of mutual neglect, due to other family, work and domestic commitments. My wife is in the A, but it could have been me if the right opportunity arose. The bombshell has made me realise what I really want - I love my wife and family. <p>I'm not patient by nature and I'm learning fast from this site. I am searching for the ( impossible? ) quick fix. I can't believe my W has gone for good - things were not so bad in our M, our boys need us and I am prepared to make the effort. Your input is entirely consistent with my wife's position, but will she see the light as you have? I do hope so.<p>Thankyou for your time and good wishes.

Paul Bradley<p>Glad I could give you some insight. However, if I have learned one thing from this sight, it would be that there are no quick fixes. No matter how much we may want them, they do not exist. I hope your wife will see the light before it is too late. I may have seen the light but at this point it looks as if my M is over. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Good Luck<p>Regretting

Hi Regretting,<p>Me again, i'm afraid. Still probing for info on how my wife may feel.<p> I suspect that that bubble of the affair may soon burst. I can hardly believe what is going on in OM's life and it must put some severe strain on their relationship. But, I assume, she currently sees him as preferable to me. I think this is because she overstates my failings and overstates his good points and ignores his weaknesses. As the fog cleared you were able to talk about your M constructively with your H. Was this not possible while you were in the fog. What were your long-term intentions while the A was at its height? and what sorts of conversations did you have with your H then. My wife swings from cordial to downright unpleasant with me. Any idea why?<p>Sorry to quiz you so but I'm totally preoccupied at the moment.<p>And I do hope your M turns out as you hope. I'm sure I would welcome you back, so hang on in there and give him time.

Tutter,
Thank you so much for posting that I would quote what you said that I appreciated the most, but its way too much. I have been trying to get my SO to come to this site and read, but he won't. So I emailed him some excerpts from your post, they are exactly what he needs to hear right now, and from someone other than me. Thanks again and know that you have helped someone today. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Bridgette