i know that i have not been posting for 2 days but i had to see how these past 2 days went by before i had anything to post....in a way, i wanted to test myself on my own as well.....<p>Yesterday, Tuesday, was the first day that i was at the office and was away from my H for the first time in 3 weeks since D-Day and i knew that it was going tobe a hard day for him as well...however, i wanted to say that i am proud of myself bcos i DID NOT make any contact with OM nor did i call anyone in his circle. I must admit that the thought of calling him did cross my mind, not bcos i missed him or bcos i wanted to talk with him, more bcos i was just used to calling him. Well, i didnt and i am proud to say that......when the thought crossed my mind, i thought of my H alone in town waiting and worrying about me being alone and i called my H to say hey. Today i had about an hour at the office and i didnt even have the urge to call OM. i could feel that my H was worried and insecure about me calling OM but i truly and honestly didnt. <p>My H and i went to see a doctor who gave me a referral to see a therapist so i know that i am on the road to get help...i am also feeling a little better about myself bcos i can see that i am capable of telling the truth after all! it does feel good as well bcos i can see the look in my H's eyes and although there is still distrust, i can see that he still loves me and i want to make sure that i am trying my bets to do whatever it takes to make this work.<p>I am not perfect and i have made a few mistakes these past couple of days like making this whole thing about me me me and not considering my H's feelings and i feel terrible for it....i have never had to consider other people's feelings so everything thats happening to me now is new and real...but i know that i am trying and i cannot lose the one good and true thing in my life.<p>I have not read my H's posts but i can see that he has had a lotta encouragement and advice from most of you and i thank u for it...we are getting along slightly better than we did a week ago. <p>i will keep posting here as often as i can in the next couple of days bcos new developments have occurred at work that need my attention to...which is really good bcos its become a great distraction for me....<p>thank you all and keep posting me please!

G,
Good to hear from you. Don't miss my W's post. It fell off the front page. It's here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=015693
David

Gen,<p>It's gonna be okay. You are working really hard and I'm proud of you.<p>When I was in the middle of my a, I thought about the OM during sex with my h. When it ended, I thought about him constantly, aching to call. Now, I hardly ever think of him...even when I'm on this board, which used to bring him sharply into focus. <p>Every day will get easier. Remember, we're here for you.

Wow...amazing. I'm still having dreams from my boyfriend from 10 years ago and we were only together for 2 months. My dreams have changed a lot and are less frequent. And I don't have a weakness for him anymore, but they still occur. It's great that it seems you only have habits to break. But, don't let that help you think that you can handle any contact with him. Hang in there girl. Keep up your plan A, and take your meds religiously (this from someone who hasn't taken hers in a week [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Okay, I was good when my depressions would come regularly, but I think I'm getting better, yet I still need to take them and am terrible about it. Don't take that lesson from me. Do yourself the favor of taking them as prescribed.)
Love, Hoping.

Davidb, i read your W's post and couldnt help reading my H's reply as well.....oops.
I hope that your W will reply and perhaps help me with withdrawal and with whatever else that comes with it....<p>Currently i am extremely busy with work bcos we are closing down one of the stores that i run and its been hectic and stressing but i must admit that it has been a great distraction for me from whats been going on....of ocs i am still aware of what my H has to go through with being apart from me and all.....but i am proud to say that i have not even considered calling OM at all....<p>Thoughts of him have crossed my mind and i am surprised that it has not tugged at any heartstrings at all....recently my H told me that he heard from some friends that OM was seen with another girl and strangely enough, i felt happy for him that he has moved on and i was not in the least bit upset nor am i in denial....i have been trying to tell my H that what i feel now is that my priority is getting my work done and that i have not called nor considered calling OM....but i cannot expect him to believe me.....i can also see that this has taken its toll on him physically and mentally and at times i wonder if i should let him go bcos he said the other day...."if you love someone, set them free"....deep down inside i want to say ok, go but my heart and soul is telling me to not let him go....its so tiring and confusing..... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>We have had a couple of good days recently but its still a little bit of a struggle for my H and myself bcos the A is still hanging over our heads....i am trying real hard, i am on Prozac again and i am scheduled for an appt with a therapist soon....<p>hear from u soon
G

Hey glad your back Genevieve. You had me worried for a minute since you seemed to vanish so suddenly. But when your H started posting and said that you were seeking treatment, I knew that it would be only a matter of time before you came back to post.<p>PlainJane and DavidB have been where you and your H are today, and they have averted the collapse of their M and are doing nicely on their road to recovery. So you see, you two are not the only people in the world that have gone thru this particular hell and sadly, you won't be the last. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . Both of them are great people. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Keep us posted on your happenings and whereabouts.<p>Best of luck and God bless.<p>Joe

I did something really selfish today and i wanted to let it out....i hung up on my H when we were on the phone today.....<p>But first, i wanted to narrate what happened today from my perspective and i would appreciate any advice or comments on my behaviour as i am once again lost in my world of confusion....<p>As i may have already mentioned, my store that has been opened now for over a year is closed for business and the news of its closure only came to me 2 days ago. My boss told me at around 2pm and he expected me follow up on all aspects on closing....the contractors, the movers, the warehouse guys, the telephone company, creditcard machines, visual display...the list goes on...(i am in retail) So what i had to do next was go into my 'work mode' to get everything done and unfortunately when i do that, i sorta put all existing emotionaly problems on the shelf so that i can get my work done. (i do not have any assistants or supervisors as we are a new label and i only have part time staff)<p>I know that my H posted something about me not getting him to help me pack up merchandise and getting my staff to get off early so that he can help me etc....i explained to him that although i would love his help, i would rather let my staff do it bcos they are more familiar with the merchandise and will get the job done faster. I know it all sounded rather fishy to him esp when my A stemmed from my shop (my staff introduced me to OM). But all i could think about was geting the work done in such a short time frame and i know that sounded selfish but at the end of the day, everything was packed and ready to be shipped off earlier than i expected. <p>Now today was extremely hectic bcos i had to meet the contractors early at 9am, the movers came at 930am and while that was going on, i had to be at the office to finish up paperwork that comes with closure of a store....during this whole time, i did call my H at least twice to say hello...he has not been well and i was thinking about taking him to the doctor. Which was when i called him again at lunchtime and told him that i left work undone at the office bcos i wanted him to see the doctor. It was during this phonecall when we had a heated argument. He said i should just finish my work at the office and not bother about the doctor. We then got into LBing and it went downhill from there....i hung up on him. I feel terrible for it but at the same time when i did that, i was angry and upset too. Anyway, he called back and i went straight home and we had another discussion...( we never made it to the doc)<p>All i can say now is this...i know that whenever something comes out of my mouth, i know he doesnt believe a word i say (and i dont blame him esp after what i have done)...i have been trying really hard these past few days following news of my shop closure and no thoughts of calling OM or his friends or anything of that sort has occurred....but my H does not buy that. <p>What can i do? How can i stop myself from making this all about me me me? i know thats a problem i have, the selfish, self-centred part of me. I told my H that when i am at work i dont think about personal problems so that i can get more work done faster and i did admit that at times, i dont think about him bcos i have to think about work and to get the job done....but i think it came out wrong. i also know that i have a problem with showing my H that he can trust me when i am alone at the office doing work. yes, its been easy to call OM but i have no reason to anymore. From some of your advice, i know now that if the thought of OM creeps into my mind, all i can see is my H and his eyes filled with tears and pain and i can also see his smile which is something i have not seen in a while.<p>We discussed at length about the "things" i can do to show him that he can trust me again and to show him that i love him and to be honest, i am lost bcos i cannot think of "things"....he did say that before i get with him, i should get with myself....then the selfish answer came to him "how can i get with myself when i dont have time to be with myself?"....it all wasnt very good and i can see the toll its taken on him and i know that i have to come up with something apart from wearing something sexy, a lap dance or a bubble bath...does this make me sound really stupid if i asked what are the "things" that i can do to help my H with his healing?<p>please someone help me help myself....i am once again lost and alone [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Wow, Genevieve,
I think you should give yourself a big break. I know it's tough because your H is having to rebuild his trust in you and it will take TIME after TIME of YOU proving yourself that you can be trusted. Rebuilding his trust will take time after time of you telling the truth--proving to yourself that you can. And you CAN!<p>You guys are dealing with a lot right now. It's good that you can separate your personal problems from your business matters. Not a lot of women can do that!<p>Stop feeling like you can do something or have to be doing something. Just be still. BE STILL and know that God is helping you get to where you need to be. You're not there yet, but you aren't where you were 10 days ago either. That says a lot.<p>Your husband is an incredible guy. I'm sure you already know that... hang in there! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You're gonna make it.

BTDT, thank you...your words gave me some encouragement but it is very very hard and i am not saying that its supposed to be easy either....<p>As i am writing this i feel so helpless and i still feel that i have to DO something somehow even though i am going absolutely crazy not knowing what it is right now....i know he is slowly trying to rebuild his trust in me but its getting to a point where we will be watching a movie together (or trying to), which we try and do every other night now, something we always do whenever we are together, and i will see him breaking down silently or he will be looking somewhere else in deep thought....<p>I dont expect everything to go away right away nor do i expect him to trust me this very minute or bcos i have been doing my best with being honest with him esp since we have had time apart these few days....but the quality time that we once cherished are now spent in silence and when there is a scene on tv or words being spoken that have any relevance on whats happened to us or how we used to be, i see that it triggered something off.....<p>I am sorry to sound like i am rambling but i really wish i knew what to do right now....i am physically and mentally tired, as i am sure he is 10 times more, but i really am trying and although i may not exactly have the right words or moves sometimes, i know deep down that i can never hurt this man again....no one should go through so much pain over love and thats coming from someone who never knew what love really was.....

All you can really do is wait. It has taken my H and I many talks and almost a year to get through the near EA he had. And it wasn't full-blown. (I know I keep repeating that, but it's just to demonstrate that it seems like nothing compared to what many here are going through.) Make sure you have everything in the open. Tell him EVERYTHING you think and feel. Tell him everything that happens. Tell him about your work day. Tell him everything everyone says. He may ask you more details as it occurs to him that something didn't make sense. As you answer consistently every time he asks, that will help to build trust in you when he's not there. Try to answer patiently. My H kept getting mad and we'd fight. We were both hurt. I was hurt for what might have happened (and what was said); he was hurt because I didn't trust him. Understand that you H is saying what he's saying because he's hurt. Now, you can try to understand that it's not that he doesn't love you, he just wants to regain trust in you. Try to take his questioning and doubts as a compliment...he loves you and still wants to be with you. Answer each question thoroughly to the best of your recollection and qualify statements that seem fuzzy on the details.
About him working with you. Try to evaluate the situation. If you have more work to do, have him there anyway if he wants to be there. There's nothing that important that he can't be there if he wants to be. Plus, it will send a message to your employees that you love him and he still loves you and nothing will come between the two of you ever again. If you think that it will help you to regain his trust by you being on your own, think again. You have plenty of time to prove yourself trustworthy once you work through the hurt of this catastrophe. It will help you to ease into it. I hope this helps G. There are some things you can do. Don't be co-dependent about it or go overboard, but try to put your H's feelings first for now.