Hi everyone,<p> I have posted before under another user name. H and maybe OW lurk, so I wanted to change names.<p>I have been at this for 2, yes, 2 yrs. I have had many d-days and even more lies! H has told me it was over so many times I don`t even listen or hope any longer.<p>I have done all the MB stuff even counseled with Steve for a period of time. H and I both counseled with Steve ( one of the times he told me it was over and he wanted to work on us). <p>Wonder why the counseling didn`t work.... H thinks it didn`t work cuz he should be with her or at the very least without me!!!<p>I have tried to plan B, he will not leave. He says he will leave when a judge tells him to. Leagally he doesn`t have to go. He knows this. <p>Lawyer told me under no circumstances am I to leave my home. What is a girl to do? I feel so lost and so defeated, I don`t think I have any fight left in me. Still , I can`t seem to go and file for divorce. H has recently been laid off.<p>He worked with the OW. At first I felt it was a gift from God, now I`m not so sure. He is of course still in contact with her. He says it is just as friends... I asked him if he thought I was stupid enough to believe that one once again!!!!!!!<p>I feel like I am so weak for not being able to go on with my life and leave him in the dust, what is wrong with me that I keep taking his crap?<p>All of this time I have lived without love and affection,( of course it has gotten worse as time has past). I am so afraid of an A myself. I have the opportunity to do so. The only reason I haven`t taken it is I want to be able to look myself in the mirror.<p>There are days I really don`t care about that though. I`m trying so hard to do what is right and live as Jesus would want me to.<p>I know that H would be gone if he really wanted to be, but I can`t keep living like this. I have told him this and I know I have to back up what I have said to him with action, meaning I have to go on with my life.<p>HOW when I feel so alone and so afraid. I want someone to please tell me how I just let go of this and give it to God???? I have tried and I think I always take it back. <p>I`m not sure I even know what that means totally. How do you let it go? What do you stop doing and what do you start doing?<p>I have all this "stuff" going on inside of me. I want it to change but, I`m also afraid of what that change will be.<p>Anyway thanks for listening and if some one could give me some advice, I would be eternally grateful!!!!

my advice, & remember you asked for this... is to think what you really want<p>like you I held on for over 2 yrs, & no I don't have a sucess story, my H left me when the OW would no longer put with it, well I also had given him a vague I can't do it any more but we were overseas, & the OW wanted him back in the states.<p>Anyway, my point, what do you have to lose? are you afrid your H will chose her? Do you really have him now? it has been 2 yrs? There are some WS as long as they can sit the fence they will. MY STBX was a gold medal winner in fence sitting. He wanted OW but he couldn't leave, mostly because of the boys, well more than likely all because of the boys.<p>could you be any unhappier than you are now? Living with this for 2 yrs is so very stressful.<p>I wish I had drawn the line, the yr before. Sometimes even when you don't want a D, you have to move ahead.<p>Your child is 12, they know more it this age than you think or wish they knew. It hurts them living in a stressful home. My H & I did not fight, act unpleasant to each other but our sons could feel the stress, my OS (then 16) acted out, he was becoming out of control. He is better now where he is living without the constant tension that ran between his father & I. Both of us thought we hid it well, but we didn't.<p>ONly you can know how much longer you can go. I am here to tell you I felt peace after STBX decieded to go to the OW. I still question why things had to be this way, but I am more at peace than I have been in yrs. <p>may you find peace

Change your focus! NOW!<p>Love your son and yourself and your God.<p>Every time you start to have those cyclic thoughts that haunt you, do deep abdominal breathing exercises ...... Breath in, and say to yourself:<p>"breathe in peace" (or grace, or love of God, chose your own words)"<p>When you exhail, do so with pursed lips (almost like a whistle, bur with no noise) and say to yourself:<p>"breathe out fear "(or hurt, or anxiety, whatever you are trying to release<p>Keep doing it until you feel it. (May take awhile) This gets easier and easier with time and practice, so don't get discouraged if you feel no release at first. I do some teaching of bio-feedback and relaxation exercises for a pain clinic .... later, I'll print out one or two of the exercise scripts if you like.<p>Hugs.<p>Pepper

Come join me on the thread in recovery on divorcebusting. Sounds like you have been doing more of the same for a long time now like me.<p>Its time for you to do something different.<p>Heading off to work now. Will try and talk more later.

Thanks to all of you for your replies. <p>Sing, I have said everything to myself that you have said to me and then some. I know I don`t have anything now. I have his shell and that is it.<p>She has already said to him and to me, that she can`t have a relationship with him after all that has happened. Do I believe it not really. Then again, why is he here and not there?<p>Yes I am afraid he will leave, not for her, just leave. I know that I would be fine and I would go on, I would not let him see me in a corner somewhere pining away for him!!!!!<p>I am just a big wimp!!! <p>pepperband I am grateful for the breathing exersices. thank you<p>lora, I have been reading on the divoricebusting web site for awhile now. I read DR and have tried to use some of the stuff. I have had a hard time though because I don`t have any fight left.<p>I have spent the last hour in church and I have prayed and cried. I feel better than I have so maybe I will be able to start something<p>Thanks for caring

I just know when the decesion was finally made I felt soooo much better. <p>Yes, there have been hard times for me since then. I don't know or I know I don't love my STBX any more but it still hurts. I haven't totally come to terms with the fact my marriage is all but legally over, sometimes I think it is I haven't come to terms with the fact OW & her family are part of my sons life.<p>If my STBX hadn't made the decesion, I would have if he did not finally break totally with OW. I had tried to do this a yr earlier but I whimped out and caused myself, and my sons more heartache.<p>don't think I am pushing you but you sound at the end, and ending it is better than hanging on to that thread.<p>Plus he might straighten up & fly right.<p>we are here for you, whatever

Can you file for a legal separation or separate maintenance in your state?<p>I ran into this problem when I asked my H to move out last month. He refused to leave, so the only way I'll be able to get him out is to file and get a court order for him to vacate, but I don't have to file for divorce; I can file for separate maintenance. You may want to look into that alternative.<p>I agree with your attorney that you should not leave your home. I think it is usually the first one to ask the judge who gets to stay in the family home, which also means you are usually granted temporary custody of the children.