Jo, I understand what you are feeling. It is just so hard to believe that they would even consider being with someone who says such mean horrible things about their spouse. <p>I have an email where OW actually said to H that she wished bad things to happen to me. Along with the recent emails from this week that OW sent me calling me all sorts of names and saying that I lived in the house of mental retardation. What a nice person my H decided to get involved with. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I understand Jo, I really do, and I know how badly it hurts. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better......

Hi, Are you on the Boards now? Jo, I'm so sorry. And I do understand. The very least you expect of your husband is to be on your side, not ganging up on you with a woman who hurls venom your way.<p>Please, post here. Do Not Call Him.
DO NOT CALL HIM.<p>Here's why: Any contact you make now that you know they are getting married will bring the two of THEM closer together. He will tell her you called, he will tell her everything you said, they will be a team, they will rehash everything you and he said, DO NOT CALL HIM.<p>Stay as far away from him and her as you can. Do not even talk about this with mutual friends. Anything you say could be used to reinforce their "we-ness"<p>It's horrible, it's unforgiveable, it's a betrayal and a theft. A theft because he stole part of your life and stole your self-confidence, your time, energy, and your fidelity. <p>Post back. I'll be here a little while, then have to run errands.

He has said so many untrue things. He told me he would never love anyone like he loved me, he told me this in August (6 mos ago). He told me he would NOT marry OW because he feared he'd do what he has done to me, to her and he'd be huring an entire family. He said he doesn't love her like he should to marry her.

<p>[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

I want to ask him about those things he said.<p>[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

I'm certainly no mind-reader (if I was, I wouldn't be here [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] ), BUT...<p>- Even if he thinks he's happy - how happy can somone like that really be? How happy can someone be who's permanently lost in the fog be? How much value can he really add to a marriage? I.e., don't believe for a moment that he's the happiest guy in the world - he's got too much @#$% haunting him, even if he's hiding from it. Doesn't sound like he's grown much if at all.<p>- I could go through the whole speal about "can't control them", "can only control yourself", etc., etc. - I know that doesn't help your feelings. But feelings do change. Your a strong person from what I've seen in your postings, so you will feel better - we all hope soon.<p>- I'd personally avoid talking to him. It'll only open wounds best left closed. I like the idea of writing the letter. I might be tempted to give it to him, but that's just my vindictive side speaking.

Bellevue,<p>The things I would talk to him about are things he wouldn't want her to know. He said he didn't love her like he loved me. He said he woudln't marry her. I don't think he'd tell her those things, she'd not like hearing that.<p>I'm really having a hard time getting my mind around this. I don't know if you guys can understand how much this hurts.

Jo, I hope you're hearing this loud and clear...you are a wonderful, warm and caring person. You have helped SO many people survive and manage their pain. <p>I'm praying for you and that you continue to find strength to endure this. Right now, your H isn't the man you married. Also remember that this isn't about you. <p>Keep posting Jo. We all care very much for you and your happiness.

Resilient,
Trust me, he is not getting off scott-free as you may think. There is no telling what type of trouble lies ahead for them. I hate telling this story because it makes me feel guilty for thinking this way but this is one of those times when it is necessary.<p>My Aunt was married to a man for 17 years when he left her for OW. He was married to OW for 14 years when he left her for a new OW. But he didn't leave the second OW until he found out she had Multiple Schlerosis (MS) I think that is what it is. She has major medical problems. She even called my Aunt and said she can't believe it - he is not the same man. My Aunt was like of course he is the same man, nothing has changed. OW had to really think about that. See over the years because there were children involved the OW was stepmom of my Aunts child so they had long patched things up and had become more than civil. My point is they don't get married and go off to WonderLand. OW not only felt the betrayal she once caused but also has medical problems on top of it. Now I am not here to say God is punishing her for what she has done. I am simply stating the facts of what it looks like in the long run. <p>Resilient, please hang on. Grieve the loss, cry, talk, cause you will get passed this. You are a strong woman and worthy to be loved. I am not used to seeing you this way. I will be praying for you. I am very concerned about you. If you feel the need to talk to him - that may be part of the healing process. Write him a letter, rewrite it, draft it, post it and get our input, sit on it for weeks and if necessary send it.

I am not so strong when it comes to my x-H, he knows this too. <p>
I need to talk to him, but if he would tell her I can't ... so I'm stuck with this hurt<p>I don't mean to dissapoint anyone. I'll do my best to be stronger.<p>[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Hugs and Prayers Resilient...<p>take care of you... take care of YOU... please.<p>Cali

Dear Resilient:<p>"The things I would talk to him about are things he wouldn't want her to know. He said he didn't love her like he loved me. He said he woudln't marry her. I don't think he'd tell her those things, she'd not like hearing that."<p>He's betraying her by having told you things that diminish her and disrespect her. Jo, you know he lies. He lied to you and he lies to her.<p>I understand your burning desire to slap her in the face with his hurtful words. If you do contact her and repeat what he said, it will ricochet back and hit you where you least expect it.<p>I can't really know how much this hurts you. I can only imagine. But I feel sympathy pains. And I empathize, with your hurt, with the feeling of pain in your heart (yes, it really DOES hurt in your heart!) <p>My H hasn't left the house yet, but he might as well be gone for all the interest he shows me. And I know he is always talking to OW on the cell phone, and that they email each other and phone at work, and that he sneaks by her office and sees her, and that he's more involved with her than he is or ever was with me.<p>That's a daily pain - a stab in the heart.<p>Were he to do what your ex-H is doing, I couldn't bear it. I can only empathize.<p>And you're such a decent person, I don't want to see you add to your already awful anguish. <p>BellevueBelle@aol.com<p>
I'm really having a hard time getting my mind around this. I don't know if you guys can understand how much this hurts.[/QB][/QUOTE]<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Do you guys ever think that we're just delusional, and the WS shouldn't have to care what they've done to anyone, that they have a right to their happiness even at the expense of someone else. That maybe this is how things should be and we're not gettin it.

Bellevue,<p>I would NEVER call OW, never. I was speaking of only talking to my x-H. I was saying it would be unlikely for him to tell her about our conversation considering it would be about things he had said to me about his lack o feelings for her.

Dear Resilient:
[QB]Bellevue,<p>"I would NEVER call OW, never. "<p>Good!<p>"I was speaking of only talking to my x-H. I was saying it would be unlikely for him to tell her about our conversation considering it would be about things he had said to me about his lack o feelings for her."<p>Oh, got it. But I stand by what I said. Don't contact HIM either. It will shoot you in the foot. <p>There's no telling what he really feels or believes. He may not really know himself. If they do make it legal though, Jo, the OW is of much lower caliber than you. Immoral, selfish, immature and downright evil. You kept your marriage going because you have strength of character, maturity, willing ness to sacrifice, and the ability to look at yourself and work on yourself. <p>Don't hurt yourself by imagining that theirs is a true love, meant to be. If it is, it is a marriage between equals. Nobody is going to be giving or sacrificing in their relationship.<p>And still, I do understand why you want to confront him with his words. It won't do any good. <p>(((((((((((((((((Jo)))))))))))))))))))))))

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong>Bellevue,<p>The things I would talk to him about are things he wouldn't want her to know. He said he didn't love her like he loved me. He said he woudln't marry her. I don't think he'd tell her those things, she'd not like hearing that.<p>I'm really having a hard time getting my mind around this. I don't know if you guys can understand how much this hurts.</strong><hr></blockquote>

You are not disappointing us to show your weakness. Please don't misunderstand. It is important for you to grieve this and not try and stuff it. Just know sometimes you can't fix it. You have to grieve through the process. There may not be an action (like contacting him) that can fix it. In other words sometimes you have to somehow know that it is ok to grieve. Somehow get comfortable with the pain. Know it is o.k. to feel your feelings. I am sorry it hurts so much. I hear you. Keep posting.

I just want to say I am so sorry Jo. I know how this must hurt. But think about the 2 of them. Do you really think that after theh way their relationship started that they have a foundation to build a strong and lasting marriage? I don't. Just because they are engaged doesn't mean that this unholy union will actually ever even take place. I have (unfortunately) known many people who had/were involved in affairs. Only a tiny fraction of those resulted in a marriage between the MP and OP. Out of that very small number only one couple is still married, and the OW/now wife admitted to me that her H/former MM has had at least 2 affairs that she knows about since they have been together!

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Do you guys ever think that we're just delusional, and the WS shouldn't have to care what they've done to anyone, that they have a right to their happiness even at the expense of someone else. That maybe this is how things should be and we're not gettin it.
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I think this is what they think. But it is NOT reality. What comes around goes around. You reap what you sow. Carma... No that is NOT reality.

You're right, Bellevue. Very right. I try so hard to let go of this.<p>I tried hating him, feeling indifference to him, feeling sorry for him, pretending he's dead. But he is still there.