I have tried to explain to my H what the time I was depressed (and had an eating disorder) was like for me. How I did not recognise it for what it was. How secrecy is a key factor to both. <p>He either does'nt care or does'nt believe me. I feel he thinks I should have been able to shake it off at any given moment. I know he thinks I should have been able to talk to him about it while I was in the middle of it and explain my feelings and what was wrong with me.<p>I can't get him to understand that I did not really even know I was depressed. I knew I had an eating disorder, I was throwing up every day. I know that's wrong, I know it's sick. It's just not possible, when you are in that state of mind to be able to tell a person that this is what you are doing.<p>Until now, this post, he is the only person I have ever told this to. He is the only person I have ever tried to discuss my depression and eating disorder with. I have never had professional help. I have been lucky. I got smart. <p>He just can't forgive me for not communicating my feelings and emotions at the time to him. He thinks I should have been able to tell him anything. He's right, I should have, but I was sick. He does'nt believe this. He says he would have stood by me through any illness, an accident that left me a paraplegic in a wheel chair, anything, but he cant stand my not communicating with him.<p>And so he is moving out, soon. And it's all my fault. I am unable to learn and grow and take lessons from my past and apply them to my present and future. I am unworthy of his love, patience and understanding, much less forgivness. This is what he thinks, not what I think.<p>I will learn from my past mistakes, I will be on gaurd for the rest of my life against allowing these things to take control of me again. I will be a stronger, happier, better person for all of this. I will be all of these things alone if I must, but I wish he would be there for me to share all of this with.

Needing,<p>I've been there...and thank God, I'm not today. (Of course, that can change at any moment).<p>Will he go to a medical doctor with you (preferably a pschiatrist) who can explain the symptoms of depression and its effects? And how it can be successfully treated? You said he has been patient and understanding. Ask him to do just this one thing more for you.<p>And while we're talking about it, how are you treating this? If you haven't talked to anyone else, can I assume that you haven't seen a doctor for medication? And bulimia is not disgusting--it's a illness that can be treated--and you are not disgusting. Please go to the doctor immediately. You need some professional help with this.

dd,<p>Thanks for the thoughts. I have not seen a doctor for either depression or bulimia. I have not been under the affects of either for almost a year now. I had a previous bout of bulimia when I was about 19 and am 33 now. I know I have to be on gaurd against these things and think I have a healthier understanding of why it happend and a better acceptance of my body, who I am and what makes me truly attractive to other people. It's not the way I look (and I'm not a hag) but who I am. My inner self, I am a strong confident woman, I just forgot that for a while. (and really very pretty)<p>I would very much like my H to learn more about these things. I did some research on the net today and printed out some articles on both. I am going to give them to him tonight and ask him to read them, just because I want him to understand better what I was going through, not because I expect him to change his mind about us.<p>It may upset him it may not. It does'nt really matter anymore. I want him to understand my mindset and I can't explain in my words the things that are printed in the articles. <p>Is this an attempt at "education", probably, but I have no hopes of it changing his mind about us or me. We have a son together, we will always have contact, I need him to understand this in case I start to go into depression again. I want him to recognise it for what it is, and even if he is not living with me, to be able to tell me that he see's it and I need help. Even if he is'nt the one to give it to me. <p>BTW, you said you had been there, just curiouse, depression or eating disorder? or both?

Hello Needing. I have suffered from depression and still suffer and will probably have this battle for a very long time, if not for the rest of my life.<p>I am not placing blame for anything I have done while depressed. However I do believe that being depressed had quite an impact on my decision making methods.<p>I made some not so good choices. It IS extremely difficult for someone that does not suffer from a mental disorder/disease to relate or understand what we experience.<p>YES, some don't understand why we just can't snap our fingers and make it go away. In addition to that, they also don't realize that WE sometimes don't understand why it doesn't go away.<p>One of the most nerve racking things for me was when I was so depressed that I became suicidal and I WANTED to fix myself but I didn't even know what the heck was wrong! How in the world could I do anything about it? I didn't know what was bugging me so bad.<p>Whether or not you feel depressed now, and whether or not you think you are cured, I think you would benefit from at least a check up with a psychiatrist. You can establish your history, your current situation and your feelings and perhaps come out with some sort of "outline" of what you have experienced. Do this by yourself. Let your doctor know what your goals are. THEN at some point bring your husband in. This may not salvage your relationship but hopefully your husband will be exposed to a disorder/disease/sickness that he didn't think was "real".<p>I have a question, and it is purely out of curiosity. Have you ever used your depression as an "excuse" for your part in this breakdown?<p>I am not judging at all. I just want you to think about that. Because if you have, even in the slightest, that could contribute to his doubts.<p>On the other hand I believe that your husband should also support you. If he really believes in his vows that he took (in sickness and in health), then he's missing that part. <p>He is 1/2 of this relationship and there is no way that he can place all the responibility of it - whether successes or failures - on you. He IS part of it whether he can admit that he has a responsibility or not.<p>I really don't know your history so I just responded based on what I saw in this post.<p>It takes two to make it fail and it takes two to make it work. I believe that.<p>TRY to get him to go with you just once. Or even to the library, or even on the interent. Present him with literature on the disorders. I have a feeling he's simply angry and he may feel that this disease is an excuse.<p>What do you think?<p>Love,
Clear

Needing,<p>NOW, you do know, and can be on the lookout for it in the future.<p>I know where you're coming from on the spouse not believing that you couldn't just figure it out.<p>My W and I have talked about her sister being depressed for YEARS, but when I was in the middle of depression myself, I JUST FLAT OUT COULDN'T SEE IT. I thought I was just down because of this or because of that. I didn't realize that I'd been SO low for nearly a year. I truly couldn't remember or see the way my life had been over the last weeks/months. I know that my W finds this hard to believe, but it's the truth. What would we have to gain by lying about it? <p>The biggest blessing I can find in all of this turmoil is that I'm finding my way OUT of the depressive trap, and now I know that I'm vulnerable to it for the future.<p>Good luck to you!
God bless.<p>Kev

First off, thanks to both of you for your kind words and support.<p>Clearview,<p>I am not sure if I am using depression as an excuse for my behavior, I certainly believe it was a factor. I just did not want to do all of the things I used to enjoy. I had a hard time just getting dressed during the course of the day and putting on makeup. My H would come home from work and I'd still be in my sweats, hair in a pony tail and would have done nothing all day. I think he thought I was just lazy.<p>I believe my depression was situational. We had just moved to a new city, away from my family and support. My H had a great job that we had transferred here for and he was busy. I was at home with a 3yo doing nothing, gaining weight. <p>It got to the point where I would not go out with him, thought I was to unatractive to be seen with this handsome succesfull man, people would think what is he doing with her. Enter eating disorder. Which led to more depression, which led to utter withdrawel from my H. Blah.<p>I do believe that I may have suffered from milder bouts of depression before, but never really realised it, just thought it was a funk or a moody time for me.<p>I don't want to blame all of my marital problems and my 50% of the failure of our marriage on my depression. But I do want him to understand what it is and how it can affect a person without them really knowing why they are acting the way they are. I was never happy with myself during this time.<p>Kevco,<p>Exactly, I know now that I am succeptible to this. I know now that I need to be on gaurd to this for the rest of my life. I do NOT EVER want to be THAT person again. She was misrable and a drag. Who would want that in their life. Not me, not my H, not my son, not my family.<p>So, I am rebuilding myself. I want to do so much with my life. I am planning on going back to school. (May even take a psych course). We have this house that is our first home. I want to decorate it the way we always talked and dreamed of. I guess I am just going to have to do these things alone. It's harder, but I am sure it will be worth it in the end.<p>Thank you both for your kind words and support. I wish he could understand and try to forgive, but he does not trust any changes in me that he see's now. Time, patience and consisitency. They are the only tools I have right now. (Oh, and I'm going to talk to Steve H again on Monday [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Needing

Good luck Needing. I *wish* there was some way he could understand. I know it's very hard though. My best friend AND also my bf told me the same thing. They told me that sometimes they just don't know what to say or how to act. How could they? They haven't been there. It's frustrating I know.<p>I will be thinking of you.

Thanks Clear, I need all the positive thoughts I can get these days <p>Needinf

Needing,
I can throw up on command! And I suffer from depression. <p>My only concern for you is this: yes, maybe we do see the signs of an impending crash of depression...but we can't stop it without medication! Our brains are highly developed machines, so to speak, and sometimes they run out of gas (serotonin or whatever it is). Just like a car, you have to give it more gas (antidepressant medication) to get it going again. I seriously contemplated suicide before I got help and I, as ashamed as I am to admit it, thought of harming my lovely daughter. Your mind can be a terrible thing sometimes. I strongly urge you to see your doctor to discuss what treatment options you have.<p>And I still think it will help both you and your husband to speak with a professional about the problem, symptoms and treatment.

dd,<p>I know you are right, I will think about talking to a Dr. more. I don't think my H would be willing to go with me. But maybe, I guess I will give him the info I put together from the net and see how he reacts to that. <p>Thanks again. And I'm glad that you are doing better and getting the help you need.<p>Take Care,
Needing