OK, please help me out, if you can. Our recovery is getting worse because I am terribly depressed, and now I have that awful feeling again--"If only some man would look at me, flirt with me or pay me two seconds of attention!" I feel like the ugliest, most undesirable woman on earth. My husband, on the other hand, is obviously very desirable because all of us, the two OWs and I, wanted him. I feel like he's permanently established himself in our marriage as somebody worth having, while I have become somebody who wasn't even worth keeping. Oh, how I hate this feeling! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

(wink)
Hi cutie, your a babe.<p>
I know the feeling -grrrr

Hi Rose Red. Have you tried affirmations? They really help me out when I'm having those days. My self-esteem gets a little low and I have to remind myself I am valuable and worthy. <p>Let me know if you would like some... I can post them.<p>Hang in there. Remember you are a beautiful strong person!

Oh Rose Red,
Boy, do I know that feeling. I lived with it for 10 years.<p>I kept trying to tell myself that it was only me...and I had to work through it. But, when I look back on our relationship now....my H actually made me feel that way by his lack of affirmation, comments about his other relationships, staring at other women etc.<p>I would suggest that this is something that should be looked at through some type of counseling. My H did feel that there was something better out there...and it showed in his actions---even tho his words said otherwise.<p>Please, don't let this go...it has to be discussed with someone. Unfortunately, I know from experience!!

Rose,
Our recovery is getting worse because I am terribly depressed,<p>OK, what's going on here...Recovery is 100% your responsibility? It sounds like you're assuming if it fails it will be all your fault...don't do that to yourself. That's too big a load for anyone to carry.<p>Write down exactly what does depress you...be as picky as possible and then you can see what things you can change...look at yourself, not him...make a plan. Action of any sort can help alleviate so much of the depression, and really help to empower you.<p> I feel like he's permanently established himself in our marriage as somebody worth having, while I have become somebody who wasn't even worth keeping. Oh, how I hate this feeling! <p>Rose, this is where you are 100% in charge...this is where your self confidence needs to take over. Look at this in a different way...it took 2 OW and a wife and the guy still doesn't feel good about himself. Who bestowed that title on him as the "worthy" one? You did. Now, how can you apply the same thing to yourself? I guess you could go out and get 2 OM...but that didn't work so good for him, so why would it work for you? It wouldn't make you any more worthwhile than tits on a boarhog.<p>You are worthy, capable, pretty and anything else you want to be...the trick is...you have to believe it and "be" it....if you wait on others to clarify, define, or approve of you, you will never be happy.<p>T

Clearview,<p>Please post the affirmations - I totally believe in them & it would help a lot of us.<p>Thanks!

Sadprincess! Thanks for the wink and the flirt! I'm not too proud to take them. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Clearview, maybe I just have a problem with the word "affirmations." That always makes me think of that ridiculous person on SNL, Stuart Smalley or something like that. "Doggone it, people like me!" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Actually, I'm so glad this works for you, but I'm just a bit doubtful that I could believe anything nice I would say about myself. I'm not a beautiful, strong woman. I'm a rejected, depressed woman who nobody wants. Clearview, thanks so much for answering my post. (You're part of that Redbook gang, aren't you? Glad to have you with us!)<p>Misery, I will be sharing it with my counselor, which I think is good advice. From everything I've read about your husband, I think it's amazing you didn't completely collapse under the weight of his disapproval and selfishness. I'm sorry you're continuing to deal with him, but I can tell that you've come along from where you were when I first began reading your posts. You are probably seeing him clearly for the first time in years.<p>Twyla, Twyla, I should have known you'd find me! I have been too depressed to post lately, so have just done a little lurking. As for whether the recovery is 100% my responsibility, I know of course that it isn't. Basically my husband is hanging in there as best he can while I cry several times a day and say things like "I think you should just leave and find some other woman that you like because I'll never get over this. I'll always just be the ruin I am now, and I just want to curl up and slip into oblivion. Just wipe your feet on me and go." [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] This is no way to recover, and would probably be considered the worst LB on record, but I'm just beginning to feel hopeless. I'm afraid I can't recover. I'm just too devastated and broken. I'll never be able to think anything good about myself again, I'll never trust enough to have any other relationship, and I can't keep living with the person who did this to me. For the children's sake, I wanted to stay married, but I am so tormented by what he did and what it means about me, that I don't think I can stand it.<p>As for finding some self-confidence about myself, that's a pitiful joke. He's killed all that in me, if I ever had any. I'll always know that he chose to break my heart so he could spend the night with a stranger. Two strangers. I feel like some Japanese person in Shogun announcing, "I cannot live with this shame," but that's about the size of it.<p>Twyla, please feel free to skip my future posts, if I ever make any more. My situation is beyond hopeless. Thanks so much for all your assistance and support in the past.<p>Rose Red<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: Rose Red ]</p>

Just a quick update today: last night I began taking the other half of my new anti-depressant medication. (Took a while to ramp up to the full dose because of side effects.) Today I feel so much better, I can hardly understand why I was so full of despair for the last week or two. This morning when I thought about my husband and the OW, I didn't think "I want to curl up and die." Instead I thought "HA! That jerk!!!" <p>Well, that's not exactly great emotional progress towards forgiveness and redemption, but it's a heck of a lot better than wanting to die! I don't like being so moody, but at least this is in the right direction.<p>Ya'll have a good day!

Hi Rose Red,
I'm a friend of Clear's from Redbook. How are you feeling today?<p>Rose, do you see how many people on this board are depressed and struggle with many of the same issues? You are not alone and many of us were once there too - me included. Depression is so hard to deal with but you HAVE TO find the strength within yourself to do something positive about it. I'm glad you have a counselor - talk to them and hold nothing back. Have you talked with them about anti-depressants? Do you like your counselor and feel like you've made any progress? Are you completely honest with them?<p>Rose, somehow you have to accept that YOU are responsible for your feelings. Sure, your husband can be a jerk or even say things that make you feel bad -- but you're "allowing" him to make you feel that way. <p>I'm almost 2 years past D-day and we still have ups and downs, and I still have times that I feel like you. Actually, it happened this past weekend. I spent almost 2 days feeling sorry for myself and depressed....then I started thinking about everything I learned in therapy and have read. I went and got my "Relationship Rescue" book and started reading about defining the problem and looking at myself. Sometimes we need to back up and review, and look at what we are contributing to the problem and what the actual problem is. It changed my whole attitude! You can get mad as in "I'm not going to let him make me feel this way anymore and I know I'm a good person!" or you can say "I guess I'm not much fun to live with either and it's sure not attractive to him when I act this way" or you can say "I don't want to feel like this anymore and I'm going to do something proactive for myself and not worry about him right now". <p>I highly recommend this book and there are excerises to do in a journal format. The part I just did explores your feelings and why you are feeling that way. It helps put words to your emotions.....instead of saying "I'm depressed" or "I'm angry" try asking yourself some questions.....What do I really mean when I say I'm depressed? Am I sad? Am I hurt? Do I feel rejected? Am I afraid?......What exactly makes me feel these emotions?.....Are they insecurities on my part or actually caused by my husband's current actions?.....Is this my issue, his issue, or our issue?<p>You might not get all the answers right away but first you have to define the problem to know where to start. And you're probably thinking right now "Duh! I know the problem, my husband had an affair!". I know that - believe me, I know how much it hurts and how hard it is to accept. But that's a fact that we can't change ....and regardless of whether you stay in your marriage or not, YOU will have to deal with this fact and all your feelings. You have to become a better and stronger person for you - not your husband or marriage. Don't give up Rose...don't give up on yourself.<p>Hugs & prayers,
JJ

Rose,
I was writing while you were posting! Glad you are feeling better!! I hope something I wrote helps anyway.<p>Hugs,
JJ

Hey rose red...
I know the feeling and I can realate to depression too.. I bet if you looked yourself in the mirror and gave youself the best SNL stewart smally grin read the affirmations, and ended with an emphatic: "I'm good enough, Im smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!"
You'd at least give yourself a good giggle!
That is always a good thing =)<p>Don't forget to hug yourself!<p>
Im: Hangingin... and DOGGONIT! People LIKE me!
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Rose,
I was about to ask about anti-deps...but I read your follow up post. Keep on them for now.<p>Also...exercise. I find if I don't walk or work out, I'm far less able to handle stress. Right now, I walk, and I live in the north country, so it is cold & snowing some days, but shoot, it isn't like I don't have warm clothes...or that a little moisture is going to make me melt [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . The walk gives me time to mutter to myself, my natural exercise serotonin kicks in, and the light helps with the seasonal depression that simply comes with February here.<p>"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me". Al Franken actually wrote a self help book as Stuart Smalley. It is hilarious. Stuart will make you feel like a winner [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] , cuz he...uh, so enormously lacks success.

Ya Rose,
Obviously we like you.
Your smart enuf, and dogun it, yer good enuf!
(and cute too) [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Skip your future posts, my a$$!!!!
Rose honey, let's get tough...do you feel like it?<p>I am so tormented by what he did and what it means about me, that I don't think I can stand it.<p>Tell me what you think it means about you. I'm not Mensa material, but I am a hair above trainable...I think his actions speak volumes about him...but little about you. And this is what you HAVE to seperate out of this whole equation. You are not responsible for his actions. <p>Rose, when I found out about my first H's infidelity, I bought into the whole "if you were any kind of wife, he wouldn't stray" type of thinking that many people have before experiencing infidelity....wrecked my self esteem to the point that I took the easy way out...divorce...listened to the people..including our MC who said "well, if you can't trust him, you can't trust him" decided to cut my losses and hopefully find Mr. Faithful somewhere else. Well, guess what? I found him and the same thing happened again...what does that say about me? Poor choices, 2 time loser, gullible, stupid, not feminine enough, not worth it??? Pick one, because at one time or another I picked them all.<p>The difference is this time around I decided to quit looking at the symptom and started looking at the disease. I was so focused on "what he did to me" I never got to the meat of the problem...that I did contribute to the decline of the relationship but I did not have the A.<p>And this has not been easy. When the thoughts of what he did would torment me so much, I would forcibly have to change my mindset and concentrate on me and how I could control my actions. This is incredibly hard...it is easier to walk away and lick your wounds...I know...I did it. But it solves nothing.<p>Worst case scenerio...your marriage ends in divorce...wouldn't you like to at least have a clear understanding of the mechanics of the problems before the A so that you could have some prevention in the future? You can, but you have to buckle down and do the work..even when it hurts, even when you despair.<p>Everyone finds a way differently...I remember an MB'er spoke of a mantra she used whenever she was ready to melt into a pile of tears. <p>JJ613 gave some good advice...do a workbook..do something proactive that gives you back your feeling of control and a clearer understanding of your problems.<p>Mark on the calendar how many meltdowns you had today...Allow yourself one less tomorrow...anything that enables you to move forward.<p>And stay on the antdepressants...and add a walk or two.<p>Hang in there....I will find you again! Big seestah is watching you!
T