Yes, i did take u wrong, u do not know me,and i know u will say no i don't know u. but i a'm the 1, who is married to H over the last 10yrs i know my gut feeling as everyone said to go by. u dont not understand me or u would not say are u ready to leave knowing i have heath problems and how hard that would be on me to start my oun life out there without H how hard do u think it is staying with a man like THAT!!!!! that is making me just as un healthy. no need to reply heard enough. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Cathy,
I am not saying you have to stay with H ... no body could make anybody to do something. I am saying that you have to take care of yourself ... one of which is stop LB'ed ... it is not good for your health and make you not happy. Leave your H alone for now. Seek and work out your problem and try to make yourself happy. No one will !!!.

ITD,
I have been reading here & there. I take it you have decided to leave your husband. Are you leaving because of lies? Or are you leaving because you believe he is having an affair?<p>Or are there other issues?

To clearview only???????????????
yes i a'm leaving my husband because of lies ,deciet,porn,internet porn. and i think he may be having a A on me as well. the lies and deciet and porn has been going on a very long time. everytime i try to talk to him or open up to him i find out he has lied to me again. redhat told me to just worry about myself, i have been the only reason i replyed back to him on questions about my H was because he ask me if i would like to hear his advice. i said yes. so he comes back and says u are love busting all over the place, and that is not good for u. duh i know that. and he said to start working on myself i have been . i have had it. he told me he really seen no signs of a A but yet tells me when u have a 90 percent gut feeling u are probably right. so i tell him theis and again he turns around and says i really see no signs of A he don't live here he don't see my H sneak out make phone calls then hurry up and hang up when i walk into the room. Cathy

A little tack on from Faith-n-Hope, I have been talking to Cathy via IM and I think what is coming across is what else is she supposed to think? She is afraid of emotional and other abuse if she provoks him in any way. Not even by asking what he is doing, but by asking for money. She was concerned about me calling her to help out by a real voice, incase he answered,and doesn't know my voice...now take all that into consideration and her not knowing what to think or how to have the little peace of mind that you get from at least knowledge. After all knowledge is power.

To Cathy and/or Faith, <p>If anybody is being abused then that person should get out. Call up a shelter. If the threat of abuse is just there then by all means by careful when looking for signs of an affair. <p>I've read very few of these posts. Quite frankly I don't understand them. I was actually getting ready to flame until I read faith's response. I can understand tempers are high. However coming to a forum such as this and then blasting people when they don't give you the response that you want is not going to endear you to anyone. From the few posts of yours I have read sounds like you are in or are getting yourself in a position to leave him. If that's what you want to do then do so. Only YOU can make the final decision on what is right for you.

Cathy,
Yes, H probably has A, never discounted that and I am the one who told you to keep that in mind. However proving A is not pressing H and LB'ed, you snoop and I snoop to find out many thing about A and OM. WS will tell lies and deceive but you have to have a hard prove for your own sake. I hope you won't look back one of these day and found out that your H falls on 10%.<p>What I saw in here is that you have to calm down and leave H alone for now. Take a break while you can and do not obsessed with A or H. Take care of yourself for now but it doesn't mean that you have to leave H. Regroup and learn how to snoop and plan for your future w/ or w/o H.

endveor,
are u replying to some of my post blasting people?,cause if u are that hurts. u have no clue either what is going on. read all my post then reply?

In the Dark 45,
I hope that you can take a deep breath and step back. I'm pretty sure very few here would be overly critical of anyone for the very reason you stated and that is that no one really knows our individual situations. We can only try to understand each other and be helpful where possible. It sounds as though you are under a tremendous amount of pressure for a long time. I believe that everyone's suggestions so far have been to try and take care of yourself first but we can only "see" your situation from afar.
Do you have family close? If you are afraid of abuse is there a shelter in your town? I've read only a few of your posts so I'm just asking.
We are here in this forum to help each other but I'm sure that from time to time there will be misunderstandings.
Please take care. Many here will pray for you.
Brw [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

In the dark,
I know the frustration you are feeling and I sympathize with it because it is not fun at all.
I am a vetern here but I have returned b/c my H is visiting porn sites and it has become an issue in our house again.
I approached my H about this the other day and it didn't turn out well at all. To sum it up in a nutshell... he doesn't feel as if there is anything wrong with it and he refuses to stop and if I don't like it I can file for divorce.
During his A 4 yrs ago... I was a basketcase. I wanted so badly to understand and to have answers to the dozens upon dozens of ?'s that I had. However, with each answer I got only produced more ?'s.
We reconciled yes... but as a result of the A and all of the abuse and torment that I went through 4 yrs ago, I am a much stronger person today.
H states that I am trying to control what he looks at and that he isn't going to let me control him.
I see it like this... hope this helps you in some small way but if not just take it with a grain of salt.
No... its true I can't make him stop doing anything and to tell you the truth its not my place to make him do or not do anything. It is a choice that he has to make... that is the only way that it counts for anything. But if he makes a choice that I can't live with... well what can I say. The choice that he makes for himself doesn't have to be the choice that is made for me. There is an alternative and that is a choice that I have to make for myself.<p>What you are going through is very scary! During the A... here I was w/ a case of pneumonia that was so bad that I had to keep begging them not to put me in the hospital, 2 kids and a job that I was laid off from and bills out the wazoo.<p>WE were separated for a total of 8 months... at first I was scared to death. I felt useless without him. Like someone had taken my oxygen supply away. I felt used... inadequate & no good just to mention a few.<p>But as time went on... I started feeling like me again... the real me... the me before H & I will tell you something else... I felt new and improved also. Then H wanted to come back. I can remember the day he said he wanted to come home... to tell you the truth, it was a case of getting something you had been working so hard to achieve only to find that you really didn't want it anymore. But for the sake of the 2 kids I thought I would give it a try b/c I did still love him but I had learned that for it to really work... the love had to be mutual.<p>As for my situation now... he thinks that this is something that is just going to go away but that isn't the case for me. He is basing his assumption on the old W he had & not necessarily the new that he has now.<p>I actually think that you have received some good advise. Perhaps not the advice that you were looking for but good advice just the same.<p>I don't mean to be bossy here and no I don't know you, your H or your situation really but please believe me when I say that for the most part after being on this forum since 1998... the stories are pretty much the same, details are a little different but its the same story being told. Its the same ?'s that we all feel we need to have answered so desperately.<p>You sound as if to me that you perhaps could be alot like me in that you are the fixer of the relationship and you worry and try to come up with a magic phrase that he will understand, because it has to be that he doesn't understand otherwise he would not continue this stuff? Could I be right here?<p>Just like you can't make an achololic see that he has a drinking problem and quit... you can't make you H see that there is a problem either. Unfortunately it is something that all addicts regardless of the substance in which they are addicted to... but its something they have to realize on their own.<p>Let me make one more point & then I want to tell you a little story that helped sum it up for me back in the day.<p>It is sure enough agony to see a love one making decisions that we can see aren't good for them, especially when it affects us also. But just like an alcoholics family... they must do what they can in a positive way while making sure that they are taking care of themselves so that they will be able to take care of their loved one once they realize whats going on. No its not easy to watch the self-distruction but in most cases they do have to reach the bottom before they can see that they see that they have fallen. <p>I think that there is a little rebel in all of us... if your parents said no don't do that... it made it all that more interesting and desirable to do. The same is true w/ WS's... the more that the FS fusses, pleads or whatever we do... the more attractive the alternative appears. So with having said that I have to second your previous advice. Don't ignore your H but make sure that you take the time that you need for you!!! Give yourself the breaks that you need from this turmoil... it is important for you, your H and the survival of your M. If you make a change then you force him to make a change. He won't be able to react the same way as he typically does if you don't. That will get him puzzled b/c its different.
Some things that I was told back then didn't make sense right off the bat but rest assured a day came that I would think back on something and say to myself... oh.. ok, now I understand better.<p>Now for my short story.... I hope you find some peace of mind in this and some assurance.<p>A little girl went with her mom to the florist one day. While her mom was talking to the florist, the little girl went to see the roses as they were her favorite flower.
They had red ones, pink ones, yellow ones... all the colors. But over in the corner there was this rose bush that was unique b/c it was a hybrid of different colors. The only thing was there were no blooms only buds.
This little girl wanted so badly to see what the roses would looked like that she tried to help the rose open by pulling at the rose bud and trying to spread it open. A few minutes later the mother heard her little girl crying and turned to see what was the matter. The rose bud had turned brownish color and didn't look good at all. This upset the little girl. Her mother looked at her and told her this.
There are things in life that as much as we would like to hurry along, we just can't. We have to be patient. The bud wasn't ready to open up to be seen yet and as with many things if you try to force things along they do not possess the beauty in which God intended them to have because you didn't give it the time it needed to mature into something beautiful. Then the little girl looked at her mother and said can we fix it? The mother replied, "No dear we can't, we just have to learn that good things come to those who wait and be a little more patient for God to do his magic."<p>I sincerely hope that this helps you accept that there is only so much that you can do and that the best fix for this is time as hard as I know it is, it really is the best way.<p>Best Wishes to you and yours

Okay in the Dark I read all your posts. What I said still stands. <p>You come to a forum where you know no one. You ask for their opinion. Now you have a choice you can take it or leave it. After all it's just an opinion from a complete stanger. Just because you get an opinion that you don't agree with doesn't mean you should blast the people on this forum. Again you do what's best for YOU. Only YOU can make that decision.

in the dark_45 (Cathy),<p>Please put a capital letter at the beginning of your sentences. If there is more than one sentence it is VERY difficult to read without doing this.<p>Thanks a bunch.

Endevor,
you must of NOT!!!!! read it very close,as yes i did blast some people here on the fourm.But i also said i was sorry for that. I was in alot of pain and was not thinking clear. I don't need u to give me a hard time as i a'm going through enough of that NOW!!!! No need for your reply,have had enough of you. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img]

FTW,
Thank you very much for the advice. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] i will keep coming back to read your post to me, right now my mind is still messed up,and can't think clearly just yet. But again thank you. You seem very wise. Cathy