Wife of almost three years,one 20 month old child. Over the last 6 months we have had sex once. She has went away to places where she stayed over night supposedly for work but when ? about it she becomes defensive. She shows no love toward me at all. Two of the times she stayed over night I saw where she had douched. I can't remember her ever doing this before. She says she is not having an A and then becomes defensive an says I don't trust her. I have caught her in lies and one time she said she was with someone helping in a job related thing but when i spoke to that person she said she never saw W that night. She is active in church and she went to coounseling with me but she does nothing the counselor says, even the little things. She tells the counselor that she just doesn't like the person she has became and is wanting to be more independent. OK I am asking for it what is your take on this? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: JWT ]</p>

Jerry~<p>Yes.....I very strongly suspect your wife is having an affair.<p>She is doing the sort of things I did when I was having my affair. It takes one to know one.<p>Your wife is in bigtime denial. Even if she isn't having an affair (which I doubt)....why would she be acting like this?<p>EVERYTHING you have told me leads me to believe what I am saying.<p>Jerry, I am so sorry that you, your wife (because she doesn't realize what she is doing to herself) and your child are going through this. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>selket

There are lots of ways to find out for sure. Are you willing to pursue them? Asking or accusing her is not one of them--you will get nowhere with that. But her reactions to your inquiries are a big clue. An innocent person would be glad to be an open book and reassure you.<p>My H, the WS, has accused me (lots of WSs project this onto the BS to try to deflect the spotlight off of them), and I have no problem providing proof of my whereabouts and accounting for my time.<p>You can follow her. You can monitor the home phone, cell phone records, Email accounts. You can install a tracking device on her car and monitor her whereabouts from your computer. You can install a voice-activated tape recorder in her car. You can monitor the odometer on her car. You can test her underwear for semen. You can hire a private detective. (You'll need to check your state laws for the legality of some monitoring activities.)<p>You can start right away by just starting a journal and keeping tracks of dates, times, stories, contacts, etc., and a pattern will usually become apparent, then you can zero in on the most productive things to do at just the right time and place.

Another idea... read up on this site what Plan A is. Then start doing it. It'll be interesting to see her reaction and by you focusing on changing specific behaviors in yourself, she may become more open (or confused!). It's kind of a proactive approach, because as the others have said, chances are, she is in an A. I suspect the sooner you start, the better!

It seems everyone is thinking she is havin an A. I still am not sure or maybe I just don't want to believe it. I don't want to be the husband that goes around following his wife etc. God, I didn't think marriage was suppose to be like that. She says she is just going through an identity crisis but she still loves me. Of course she foes not show it at all. I don't know I am so confused and frustrated. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

JWT,
Trust me if you have to ask people for our opinion on this you also suspect that she is having one. And feelings that you are having are a good indicator.

JWT,<p>It is hard, and most of us don't want to believe it. It's gut wrenching, you feel as if you were shot in the heart.<p>Be sure you really want to know before you start searching. It took me a long, long time to really look. Now I wish I had done it sooner. <p>
Conquerer -
Tell us about the tracking device that you can put on the vehicle & track be computer!!!!!!
Where can you get that? Is it easy to install?<p>Also - how do you monitor email accounts???<p>I never knew I would end up a world class spy. <p>
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

I am a BS and just found out about my wife's 2 affairs recently. <p>I can say this; finding out the truth will make you feel as if you have been stabbed in the stomach. However I wish I hadn't waited so long to take the steps of finding out. If you leave this alone it may destroy you and hurt your child. Read up on other people and what they are going through and ask yourself "do I want to go through that?"<p>Discovery by any means neccessary is not wrong and nothing to feel bad about. She is your wife and you have every right knowing what is happening in her life. She will always lie to you if lying is easy. Show her you can't be manipulated easily. Make hiding things from you hard as hell man.<p>And be prepared because if she is sleeping with someone or having an emotional affair, you will hurt more than you ever have.

I learned a whole bunch of things at the discussion boards at www.infidelity.com, specifically the Private Investigation Tips board.<p>I can't remember what the tracking device was called, but I went to some websites that offer it for sale. Expensive, I think about $500 to buy, $100 to rent for a week or month? Can't remember for sure, but you are able to track the car's location on the computer I assume on a map.<p>I never made use of most of the things people have tried because I couldn't afford them, and with small children, it was hard for me to try to find him in the middle of the night. I did keep a journal though and learned how to monitor his cell phone and voice mail by setting up online billing and checking the call directory. I was just about to install the tape recorder in the car to try to catch the content of the conversations when he suddenly decided to move out, so then I knew everything I needed to know and didn't need to bother with any of it anymore.<p>When he wanted to move back in six days later, he finally confessed. So, if you're patient, it will usually become apparent. I didn't make it the major focus of my life, just part of taking care of the business of family security like making sure the doors are locked. I still check on things periodically.<p>Oh yeah, something else I did was call the highway patrol whenever he'd claim he was late because of "an accident on the freeway". I can also access webcams at different points along his route home from work to check out the "accident" stories.

You have a need to know. I was in denial for 3 months when inside I knew.<p>But the best advice you've been given here is to focus on you. "Plan A". By snooping and attacking any affair, you will make it more exciting and more intense. By working on you, what you do with your time, what you do for YOU, you will eventually change her behaviours.<p>Look after you. The point you find out the truth will be hard. Involve your doctor if necessary.<p>But value yourself first, within the marriage, however difficult that marriage is.

JTW:<p>My friend, first let me say that I am so sorry for your pain. I see so much of my husband in you and what you are expressing here. One time my husband actually sat down and told me what he felt at certain moments when he &#8220;suspected&#8221; and I &#8220;denied&#8221;, etc. I am reliving his pains in what you are saying, and I totally feel for you. I am a betrayer, and I am in no way proud to admit that. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Through my rebuilding with my husband and learning to understand things from his view, and knowing things from my end, I think I may be able to offer a lot here, and I hope that what I have to say helps. However, I&#8217;m relaying things from my situation, which are so very similar to yours &#8211; many of which may be right on for you, and some of which may be totally off. In any event, I truly hope that this helps you to find a way to begin healing and work through this turmoil in your life.<p>As we all know, life is full of change and growth. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Some people embrace it and move along smoothly with it. Others shy away from it and fear it because &#8220;it&#8217;s not the way things are supposed to be&#8221;, or so they think. It seems that children bring about a lot of change and growth in life, and, especially, in a marriage. It appears that your wife may very well be searching for herself and her identity, but it also appears that she is going about it in the wrong way. Unfortunately, I did the same thing. I feared this growth and change and sought out &#8220;what was missing&#8221;. Yet, I failed to see that all along &#8220;what was missing&#8221; wasn&#8217;t missing at all. It was staring me right in the face, I just wasn&#8217;t looking the right way. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] The thing to do is embrace growth and change as a good thing, and to embrace it openly with your partner. I am finally learning how to do that, and life is beautiful.<p>Now, back to your situation at hand. . . You know something isn&#8217;t right, that something is going on. You feel it, and you are most likely correct. Whether it be emotional or physical, your wife is involved in some sort of EMA (from how it appears). Stop hiding from it and hoping it will just go away, because it won&#8217;t, and the more you hide from it and allow her to believe you are none the wiser, the further she will allow herself to fall into it. Get yourself together, and know that it&#8217;s not your fault. Take charge of you and then take charge of the choices that affect you. It&#8217;s not easy, and it won&#8217;t be for awhile now, but the sooner you get the cards on the table the sooner you will be on your way in the right direction. <p>Yes, she will deny as long as she can. I denied everything for awhile, hoping I could just end things and get on with my marriage. That wasn&#8217;t the answer. Then, the more I lied, and in his heart my husband knew I was lieing, the more my husband drew away and stopped trying. I&#8217;ll tell you what, he regrets doing that. I can&#8217;t say I blame him for his response to me, but he wishes he had taken charge a lot sooner. You have that chance, so grab the bull by his horns. Do the detective thing &#8211; yourself or hire someone, whatever works best for you. When you have what you need approach her with it and get all the cards on the table.<p>Chances are your wife feels lost and confused right now. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Unfortunately she has chosen the most destructive route to take in an effort to find herself. This is not a you thing. She should have turned to you. She should be using the counseling to help instead of rejecting it. She needs to want to save her marriage. Yes, she needs to find herself, but she cannot do that outside of her marriage. She should be turning to YOU for support and help. The best you can do now is decide if you want to give up or not. Sounds to me like you don&#8217;t. So &#8211; DON&#8217;T. Don&#8217;t fade into the background until she comes to her senses, you&#8217;ll just make it all the easier for her to continue to live this double life. Offer her your support in finding herself. Offer her your ear to listen to what she needs to feel good about herself. Also, do what you need to find out the truth and bring it to the table. Bottom line, when you do, give her the ultimatum. Let her know, if this is what you want, that you want to save your marriage. That you love her and will work with her to help her see the beauty in the changes that have occurred in your lives together, but make certain she understands that she cannot live the way she has been. Most important, have your discussions out of ear of your little one. Either see if you can have someone watch your child or wait till your child is asleep. My husband and I messed that up a few times, and it&#8217;s hard on a little one. They are bright and pick up on a lot. Regardless of the end result, spare your child all the in between.<p>You are in for a long hard road, but it&#8217;s not impossible. I hope that this has helped some. If there are any questions you have from this, just ask. I would be more than happy to offer as much as I can. I know how much you hurt, I&#8217;ve shared that with my husband. I wish you the best and hope strength for you in your journey. Keep with us for support, and always believe in yourself. My best to you.

Could be with another woman you know.<p>Just a thought.