H & I are 4 years post A and things have been pretty good. But we now have a problem and a definate difference in opinion. When we reconciled we agreed no porn. But porn is something that has come up from time to time but now that it is here again, I am objecting to it strongly because of problems with others that we know and I just don't want it around to cause problems for us down the road. H states that he will not stop no matter how much this hurts me and if I don't like it I can get a divorce. This feels as if the porn is more important to him than I am. Could I be over-reacting here? Opinions please. But I just don't think that this is something that I can really accept.
[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: Fearing the Worst ]<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: Fearing the Worst ]</p>

Well, seems pretty clear to me. Either you follow through or you don't.<p>If part of the recovery agreement and reconciliation was no porn, then you are not being "the bad guy" by adhering to the agreement. Obviously negotiating the agreement is not an option since he has dug his heels in and dared you to divorce him over it.<p>If it is a marriage-breaker to you, then follow through and file for divorce. Let him defend his actions to whomever he wishes. I personally would have no problem defending my decision to divorce a man who cheated on me and disrespected me and my home by continuing an activity he promised to cease. I would not hesitate to show the sites to my in-laws or anyone else who questioned my actions.<p>If you want to allow him to renege on the agreement and have his way, then expect more of the same, but at least you know what you're married to.

Thank you for your reply conqueror...
It was very much appreciated. I know that what you say is right but its still not something that I necessarily want to happen. I do feel like he has changed alot for the good and I don't want to throw away our marriage pre-maturely either because I do think we can have a good life together.<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: Fearing the Worst ]</p>

There are several books you could read on the subject. One I haven't read yet is "Living with your husband's secret wars". Another one, "Don't Call it Love" by Patrick Carnes might give you some insight. <p>Your husband is an addict. And until the addiction becomes more painful than the pain he's running from by participating in porn, he's not about to change. The reality that wives of porn addicts have to come to is that losing us may be less painful than losing the porn - and that it has nothing to do with whether we were enough for him or not. <p>I don't know what part of the country you live, but there are S-Anon groups that could help you deal with your feelings and help you spot enabling behaviors within yourself and learn how to work on your own life. <p>That is the route that this wife took. My husband is still here. He is working a recovery program and there is great progress... in both of us.

This doesn't sound like something negotiable for you. I know you're looking at a damned if I stand up for myself and damned if I don't situation.<p>I'd like to suggest some books if you are Christian that will help you understand this from the wife's perception before you confront your husband. Please let me know if you are interested.

I higly recommend reading "Living with your husband's secret wars". I finished reading it about a month ago and it helped me have some insight as to why I felt so strongly about not having porn in my marriage.<p>I don't think this is something you can POJA on. This is something that obviously is very hurtful to you, he knows it and continues to do it. IT's like an affair starting all over again. How are things going since your original post?<p>Bluebird

Our counselor explained to us that after you have been cheated on, a H looking at this stuff is equivalent to another affair. Who can compete with these air brushed bimbos? I sure can't. I think the Internet has done more to damage marriage than magazines ever did. It's available 24 hours a day, for FREE. <p>Have you gone to counseling? You may want to consider going again over this. Don't file for divorce unless you are 100% serious. My friend lost $3000 because she never went through with it. <p>Dr. Phil did a show a few weeks ago and this topic was included. Maybe if you search Oprah.com you can find it. A later show had the H on who refused to stop, and He DID and said their marriage was much better. Good luck