Hello --
After a month of trying to work this out, he just up and tells me yesterday that he wants to leave. So, today he told our 3 children and of course they were devastated, don't understand, etc. He is moving in with OW (but doesn't tell the kids about OW, just that he is staying with a friend)<p>I told him that if he was with her, unmarried, he couldn't take the kids to visit with him. This made him angry. I told him that he was welcome to see them any time, every day if he wanted to, as long as he came here. Is this unreasonable or even the right thing to do?<p>My other question is that I am SO hurt and SO angry, not only for me but also for my precious children. How do I get over the anger for hurting them to be able to be civil with him. I want there to be hope that he may change his mind and come back, but I don't feel that I can be nice to him right now.<p>Thanks for any help!!!!!

I'm sorry to say, but you were not in recovery if there was still contact with OW. And there had to have been, otherwise, how else could he suddenly move in with her??? It's sad that he didn't give it enough time. One month isn't much into working on a M. Just a 'drop in the bucket' as the saying goes.<p>You're getting too carried away right now with your emotions. Remember, NEVER make decisions based on emotions. So figuring out how to deal with visitations isn't something you should focus on right this moment (give it a few days).<p>If you want your M back, and don't feel that you can be nice to your H right now - then STAY AWAY from him. Don't call him. If he calls you, don't talk to him. LBing your butt off will make you feel better, but only for a VERY SHORT time. It is NOT the way to plan A.<p>As far as the visitations go, IMO, you should not keep them at your house only. Unless their lives are in danger, you really can't do much about it. Talk to a lawyer (if you hadn't already prior to recovery), and see what is the best, most legal way, to go about it. <p>Karen

Many people here have had it included in temporary orders/separation agreement that visitation can not include the OW while you are still married. It is apparently relatively easy to at least prevent him from having them overnight with her present - I have not read of a single case where a judge refused to include that prohibition in the papers.<p>One of the biggest mistakes I made was NOT preventing him from exposing the kids to the OW. I had been told also that there wasn't much I could do, only to find out later that there was indeed a great deal I could have done. <p>There is nothing wrong with having him visit at your house. My H did that for awhile, and it was FAR easier on the kids. I personally am very much in favor of "nesting" where the parents move in and out and the kids stay put.

Thank you both for your replies. I am going to try to not make any decisions while I am so angry and hurt, but I feel right now as if I'll never feel any better. I can only pray that I can keep myself together for my kids sake!
Thanks again!

sadathome,
Do see a lawyer about visitation and what stipulations are legal.<p>My H & I separated 7 times over a period of 21 months. I did an 18 month Plan A through the first 6 separations, including when he came to see the kids inviting him for supper. But, my H never did move in with the OW and there were times he spent so much time at my house I wondered when he was seeing her.<p>Your kids are little and you'll be saddled with a lot of questions, which isn't fair, but you are the one who is there. My kids were older 13 & 10 when the separations started. Remember that you are the adult and you can answer the questions in a parental & loving way--without a lot of ugly details they won't understand anyway. He is their dad...and no matter what happens with your marriage, he will still be their only bio dad.<p>Nellie's kids are little and she's really dealt with her kids & the OW & her H not understanding that he's following a hurtful path. Maybe she can help you.<p>I used to tell my kids, dad feels he can't live here right now, he loves you, and I hope someday he'll be back. <p>Of course it got muddled when he did come back and said he wouldn't do that again, and left again [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . <p>He is home for good now--21 months and a complete change of heart--and he's had to do a lot of repair work with our daughters. My 16 year old is polite, even affectionate to him, but she's told me she'll never forget what he did, how he left & broke his promises to her.<p>You've got a tough parenting job right now, and my advice is to concentrate on the parenting and loving those kids. Your H has removed himself from being your #1 priority. Plan A should be a definite option for you. All you really have to do at this point is be polite when you talk to him. You can add more when your emotions aren't quite so ragged or as situations present.

Lor --
Thanks for the reply. I feel like I don't know what my job is any more, but I need to remember that I need to put all of my focus on the kids. They deserve it!<p>Nellie --
I would love to talk to you more about your situation and how you handled it. What did you tell your kids, did you tell them about OW, etc. Would you feel comfortable emailing? If so, my address is momwiththree@comcast.net<p>Thanks,
Stephanie