Oh my God, I am shaking and crying I dont think I can take any more. i think I will wait up till 11 and confront him and finally put an end to this farce of a recovery.<p>I looked at his computer and found where he emailed a radio station and asked them to play We danced for Gladys and that he loves and misses her. I was fooling myself that he only contacted her rarely, he is still totally in love with her and I am so done with trying any more.<p>I am thinking of starting to pack for him and kick him out tonight

Hi, it's me and I'm trying to call you. Hop off the board, Hon.<p>Jo<p>Gawd, what a night!<p>[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

(((((Lora)))))
I am so so sorry! Damn him!
Now please take a deep breath (I know I am sure you are tired of hearing that, but please do so).
Print a copy of that e-mail and put it away for your personal records. Let him come home, and... DO NOT throw him out. That just enables his A more.<p>"BooHoo my mean wife threw me off and I don't know why"<p>Do NOT do it! If he wants to go he'll have to do it on his own, if he wants to have his cake and eat it too he'll have to do better than that.<p>I am not sure what you should tell him. I am bad at those, I LB a LOT, I would most likely just made a smart remark, shove the copy of the email up his... behind, and then tell him that if that is what he wants that he will have to leave on his own.<p>But please do not listen to me coz I am very very bad and evil.

Hi Lora<p>I just want to offer you some support.<p>Please try not to react tonight. I know how bad you must want to.<p>When did he make this request? Is there a date on it?

{{{{{Lora}}}}}<p>I'm so sorry to hear this. Just know that we are all here for you. I know you will let us know how it is going.

Lora, <p>You do need to be somewhere where you feel safe. Can you get with Jo? I understand you are hurt and angry. Don't make life changing decisions right now but wanting him out is definitely understandable. <p>Get to safety. Don't have to answer to him right now if you don't want to. Let him wonder why you aren't around. If he does go to Gladass, then it was a matter of when anyway (sorry to sound harsh). Get to safety. <p>I think Jo is trying to get through to you. <p>Call me if you need. I will be home for the rest of this week. <p>Hugz,
L.

((((((((Lora)))))))))))
Listen to the others - don't make any rash decisions while you are in this state. I know that when I found the mushy I love you emails this past November, I first reacted with anger and luckily H was half asleep. However, having a day to absorb things, I was able to be calm and a resolve had come over me. SO, don't don't don't kick him out tonight or end it, but let him know you know and that you need to deal with it.
((((((((((Lora)))))))))))

I love you guys,Thanks so much for being there for me. I will post the long version tonight when I have time. The short version is I waited, I called OW, I talked to H, and I am at peace with how I did it. I am OK, he will have to deceide what he wants.<p>Will post the surprising details later.

Lora --
Sorry to hear this -- we're waiting for your update!<p>Take care of you right now!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lora}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>Peace is good. Now tell us!

Hi Lora,<p> I am so sorry to hear about the latest but it doesn't surprise me, my H did pretty much the same thing. It's time to toughen up and let him know you mean business.<p>Hope you are ok today....thinking about you...LU

Rats, rats rats.<p>So sorry - how are you doing now? <p>And, they are rats. <p>Maybe it helps to know that Gladys is also getting screwed around. The man who made the radio dedication to her is still living with his wife. That can't make Gladys very happy.<p>((((((((((((((((((Lora))))))))))))))))))))))

Hugs Lora...<p>I hope you are okay... <p>Cali

{{{{{Lora}}}}}<p>You know deep in your heart that the only thing left to do that will make a positive difference in your life ( regardless of the outcome) is to do a strict Plan B. Your H will never fully understand until he has to get ALL of his needs met by OW. <p>You have much more worth and purpose than to wait one more minute in limboland wondering whether or not H will ever shape up. Let him have his way, it's the most loving,constructive thing you can do, for both you and him.

Lora,<p>Waiting on your update. <p>Just wanted to add that I agree with all who said hold tight to a Plan A until you can go into Plan B. A "non-reactive", non-LB'ing Plan B, that is. You have to let him know what he's giving up and going to be missing if he loses you.<p>And whether you two will ever see recovery together or not, this will be very healing for you as well. No regrets in your past behavior or actions. <p>Zorweb put up a link to this post from In Recovery. I decided to copy all the way down to mthrrhbard's reply and pasted In Recovery on your thread there. Maybe you will have more replies and support that way. Hoping.<p>Prayers and strength to you,<p>L

heres the rest of the story.<p>I was waiting for him to come home and he was 30 minutes late so I pulled out OW cell phone and called her! She said that she had ended it with him, she was home with her H. She said he keeps calling her, she doesnt call him, that the last time she did something with him was September, and then she told him that there must have been a reason he came home and ended it. They just talk as friends, he calls. I beleive her because that fits in with all my facts.<p>So he pulled in, had been to the store. I told him I knew about the email, the calls. He said it doenst matter, she wont have me. I confessed to calling her , and he said what did she say, so I told him and he said , see you have it from the horses mouth. I stated my position, that I loved him and wanted our marriage but only with his particiaption. That I wanted him to make a decision for how to deal with this. <p>all he said was that he didnt think our relaitonhip could work and that he was unhappy. Then he sat there saying nothing till I wanted to scream. I finally said something about his not talking, and he said that is just me. I said this is not him, that he has been different, asked him about counseling, he hasnt had the time to call. more silience and finnally I asked if we should think on this and talk again a little later , and he agreed.<p>I felt calm and loving, told him I was sorry this was so hard and that Iloved him and went to bed. He shocked me by coming into our bed an hour or 2 later, but as usual was careful not to touch me. Now we dont see each other for a few days.<p>The good think is I got to get it out, my love support and my expectaion that he make a decision. Now I feel like I can either go to plan B or try the loving detaching and divorcebuster stuff with peace. I have done everything I can do.<p>Thanks to all of you for the love and support and calming words and prayers. I really felt like I did the right thing and feel good about it.

Lora,
My H left me twice after his A was over. Like your H, said he was unhappy and couldn't live with me, it wouldn't ever work between us.<p>I think you have been very understanding with your H, and have opened the cage door, maybe you have to give him a push out now? Plan B? Let him go suffer on his own. He knows you love him...and he hasn't made the changes, like counseling, that you asked for when he came home. He reneged.<p>I think he'd do well with some anti-depressants and a good counselor, but that isn't up to you, that's something he'll have to do for himself. <p>You need to take care of you now. I suspect your lovebank is draining fast...

For several months into recovery from h's ea where he felt very much in love and committed to ow, he had no contact with ow. Certainly there were signs of resistance = anger, defensiveness in counselling, rug sweeping, refusal to talk about ow without much attitude, etc. However, h seemed to be moving forward and consistently SAID he was fine, etc.<p>I had entered a stage of extreme hurt at our loss and anger that he seemed to hold ow so free of blame. He was really under pressure and feeling hopeless. <p>One day he saw ow again and several days later I found a torn up letter in his trash can where he declared his undying love for ow, etc. I was hysterical. H came home and basically repeated to my face all the heart breaking things he had written. If we did not have a child, I would've run away. I still sometimes think that the damage done to me that day can never be undone.<p>The point of this belabored post is that 6 months later he felt entirely differently and to this day has no recollection of any of the things he said. He says that he took an emotional dive when he say ow and she looked so hurt and sad. Whatever your h may be feeling could be just one of those dips. If it is, he probably won't know that or understand it until later.<p>I can truly relate to your pain, but know from experience that it is not necessarily the end. I do agree with the advice that Leilana always gives that boundaries of respect for you and your marriage must be clearly and firmly set and followed as a condition of your going on with your ws. <p>Several days later after I scraped myself back into semi sanity, I told my h that I could not and would not live like that ant that if he couldn't recognize right then where his loyalties lay and if he truly didn't appreciate what I had to give, then I wanted him out by sundown. He seemed releived, and the fog lifted fairly quickly after that. <p>The pain of that kind of discovery is awful; I hope that your h just needs a firm reminder.<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: wesse ]</p>

listen to the wise ladies.<p>you did good.

Lor,
Lovebank??? Whats that? I knew you had been through this before, thanks for shareing. I know its not over, but I dont know for sure that I want any more. Can he ever really change and grow and learn to communicate? <p>So you think I should go to plan B huh? I am not sure why I am so resistant to that. I feel like I should work on detaching first for some reason. Maybe I will write a letter and set a date and continue with the detaching in the meantime. I think no more plan A as far as meeting his needs is really called for...dont you think 21/2 years is really enough?<p>wesse, did you H leave with your ultimatum? I know I am close to plan B, just not quite there yet.<p>Sing, Thanks for the support. Its the best I have felt about myself and my actions in a long time.