I have not been down and low for some time... and it is getting there again.. I am trying hard to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get going... I actually think I am a little disheartened by all the comments I got this past weekedn... or early week over my spoiled attitude etc.. here... but I know what is hurting me even more is my situation.<p>My spouse is still angry at me over calls to his family.. when he gets angry and mad and cuts me out it hurts alot... I have tried to apologize and work through this with him... I posted earlier this wk, wkend.. that he was punisheding me... he actaully called it , my consequence for calling his dad. Which by the way the converstaion with the dad was not that bad, it is more poja, that he did not like me calling the father... <p>It is more like the wrath of my H, if you do anything that he does not like he usually has a wrath to follow.. I feel this is abusive... actually... it is controlling..<p>He has been anagry and mean after being kind and spending several nice evenings with me last week.. Ow contact is over, supposedly now it is wroking on the 4th week.<p>I am hurt by his push pull ways... He is nice, he is mean, he is nice, he ismean... it hurts... alot to be in such confusion.. although this is a lot like the way he has been for yrs...<p>anyway, any comments welcome, just lplease in kind words... <p>Honey

Honey,<p>If he has cut all contact with the OW this sounds a lot like withdrawl. The best thing you can do for yourself during this time is to be there and Plan A when he is in the nice mood and stay away when he is in the mean mood. Part of Plan A is not to stick around and have someone be mean to you. When he gets in these moods, gracefully remove yourself from the situation. It seems that my WH may be going through a little withdrawl himself. My trouble is that I am out of town for business and I can not tell if he is having these symptoms from not seeing me or not seeing her. Unlike you WH mine is not mean, he just sleeps a lot and doesn't say much. He would listen to me on the phone for hours if I wanted to talk that long, but the past few day he doesn't say much. <p>In your case, you do not need to deal with the anger, but be careful to remove yourself from these situations with grace. Do not let him push you to anger or angry words. For example, if he starts to yell at you for something, stay calm, take several deep breaths and under no circumstance yell back. Do not try to talk any sence into him when he gets mad. Just listen and if that gets too painful find a reason to leave. Do not storm out and slam the door, just quietly state that you need some things from the store and ask if he needs anything or find another reason to leave. Give him time to cool off and then if you want you can return and see if he feels better. Let him know that if he needs to talk about things that you are there for him.<p>Just my thoughts.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by honey:<p>It is more like the wrath of my H, if you do anything that he does not like he usually has a wrath to follow.. I feel this is abusive... actually... it is controlling..<p><hr></blockquote><p>Honey, I agree with this observation you have made. No matter WHAT you do he does not have the right to "abuse" you. From what I have seen the entire relationship is not healthy and you know that. But (and I keep saying this) neither of you is responsible for what the other one does. I believe you are right, this is a form of emotional "abuse" (based on my experience and everything I have learned). THAT IS NOT GOOD!<p>Honey I know you are hurting and tired and stressed. I can't remember so let me ask... are you in any sort of counseling?<p>I am and I have been for a while. It really helps to see things in a different light. The way you are feeling right now only gets worse when your H "punishes" you. Your self-esteem slowly gets more negative it really makes you down!<p>There is one thing you can do to help I think. You can take that control away from him. You're probably wondering how? Show him that he is NOT going to beat you down. Although I know it bothers you, don't let him see it. Don't let him push your buttons. Know that you deserve more than that and you certainly don't deserve to be "punished". Our parents punished us when we were little. He's not your father.<p>I don't agree with things like kicking you out of the car and the other things you have mentioned. I believe this man has some serious issues too. Have you two been to MC?<p>Has he ever been to counseling?<p>Are you on any medications?<p>I don't know what to offer except my support. I know this is hard for you.

Thanks to both of you... feeling at bit better, and on my way to work after seeing doctor this am... I have been ill, I am weak and tired, and I work all the time NOW. I am exhausted.. I have 2 kids, and I work and work and never rest - Ok, i can fix that too...! I am trying to... I have gained 5 pounds back that I lost... so I am upset over that... I have lb'ed and I am upset over that.<p>I am on effexor, i am in counseling, and I apprciate your asking.. my counselor is now encouraging divorce, so now I am not happy with counselor... and I went to him to get support and he is very familiar with mb concepts.. but he sees clearly what my H is doing... he thinks if I file,... and cut h out... his attitude could change... I kow my H and I doubt it... i really want the good relationshi p we used to have, not the mess we now have.<p>I appreciate your advice, yes h's punihsment makes me feel worse,.. he is still being mean... it is hard..<p>THanks, H

Honey,<p>I have been reading on all those posts and while I may not agree wholeheartedly in all your statements, I do see that what you are your H are going through is a fairly common type of recovery. <p>Expect this. There will be setbacks. Prepare yourself for that. Then prepare your reaction and actions. <p>Another thing, don't let your emotions rule you in every way. Work on minimizing their effect. Pray for a clear head and a calm heart. <p>Then take a look at the real you. See this is a venting place but also a learning one. You want to learn from your mistakes here and put the right application in at home. <p>So when there is some 'stern' hard to hear words, consider the fact that if it was not said but viewed, you would never know how bad you may have appeared to others. Kinda like the 'booger hanging from the nose' illustration I periodically use. <p>See, me too. I had to learn it that way. For me it was BR, Mthrrbard and a few others. Oh yea, their words to me were quite strong and I knew it was needed. I am actually grateful that they took the time to tell me and not give up on me. Because they almost were ready to give up on me. Stubborn ol me. Yep...... I was LBing at home and here at MB uh huh...... See you are not the 1st or only one to do so. But you can learn to help you. <p>Think about it Honey, if you unloaded all this on your H what would he do? Run? You want that? No I don't think so. Me neither. <p>So hugz to you. You are headed in the right direction but the medicine might make you both feel a bit down before it gets better but this time you are stronger and will survive better. Don't count on your recovery by only the actions of your H, count on your actions. <p>JMHO,
L.
ps: You know that some here wish they were in your place of recovery. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

thanks ORchid... I appreciate it.. I am still feeling low.. and baed about my weekend and even my posts and reactions here... I want to apologize to br.<p>Thanks, HONEY

thanks again O, and thanks for reminding me we are moving forwward... I really feel we , my h and I, will recover.. it is just so hard. I love him so much, and he is mean to me outright..I really have done a lot of good plan aing, but then I bust it... I haven't posted so much abou t the good stuff I have done, as the bad... because the bad always makes me FEEL SO BAD>>> when I am doing well, I feel on cloud ! It is sad to be back down again... I have to start proving myself good again to him... I just sometimes want something back, and I am getting things back, just not in timeframe and not what I want, or how I want... sometimes it is just so hard.. not to lb! As I feel like, LOOK , H, I have put up with so much, I am still lovingyou and you betrayed and hurt me more than I have ever been hurt in my life... and I am just suppossed to keep smiling and acting like I am the one that was the ws... I feel he should be the one playing mr. nice guy and watning me back.. but he is still in the SEE WHY I left you stage.. everytime I get upset abou t the A, and it is the A>.. that we fight and lb about, nothing, else... <p>H

honey,<p>I looked but i can't find what I am looking for but do a search on Oneday, last spring she wrote this great post about what she had learned since d day or something but it has these points, <p>I maybe later I will try to find it but it my be this wk, when I am avoiding finishing my project & studying for my midterm<p>oh, the trails of former SAHM's when we have to start working again

thanks, I will seardh later.

Hi,<p>That's the 'Honey' I like to see. When you step back your vision (like most of us) is much clearer. Keep that as your focus. Remember that as much as the WS has a lot of ground to make up with you, he will never do it quick enough or good enough (at least not at the beginning). Knowing this will lower the anxiety and frustration often felt in recovery. <p>Now as of your need to say anything +/- to anyone else, well I leave that up to you but will tell you that we are a pretty forgiving bunch. Why? Because we have all been there and done that already. <p>Hugz,
L.

thanks, still working on it...w e had dinner last night, h and me, and it lifted my spirits... thanks for support, HONEY

My H has done the punishment thing all during our M. He will shut me out completely, act like I don't exist, just totally leave me in the cold, and for the first 3 months after D-day (you can check my old posts) it was exactly as you describe, like a yo-yo. He'd be super nice, affectionate, attentive, and then I'd do one little thing to piss him off, and then it would be days of being totally ignored.<p>However, as your post reminded me of this, it made me realize that he hasn't done this in a long time. I think the last time was 2 months ago. I wish I knew EXACTLY what, if anything, helped to bring this about. But it was at that time that I modified my Plan A with the Last Resort Technique from The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis.<p>I quit talking about the M, the A, the OW, "us", the future, any feelings about any of that, quit saying ILY, and started detaching and accepting things as they are. The only time I've LBed since then was about a month ago when I tried one more time to talk to him about it and asked him if he was going to do what I needed him to do to help me recover from his adultery. This triggered a huge fight with me trying to get him to move out.<p>So, I don't know if this is a direct cause and effect, but it couldn't hurt to try. I suspect the reason he hasn't gone into his cave is the lack of LBs.

Hi Honey,<p>For me when I have a good understanding of something (feelings or an emotion), it helps me manage or cope with it better.<p>I have learned that most depression is anger turned inward. It's okay and somewhat a healthy thing to be angry with someone when they have wronged you. As long as you vent it in an appropriate manner.<p>Maybe you're depressed because you're trying to hold in the anger for fear of re-visiting your old habits? I know it's hard to change, and I so respect you for making yourself the best you can be. It's truly to be admired.<p>Chin up! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Lv,
Jo

Thanks, JO. I am trying to be more mature... I think that is what I need a maturity shot...a ctually I do quit well much of the time... but then when my h is in the midst of an abuse or a vent or yelling at me... I fight back... like another child in the park in a fight and I start acting just as dumb... I do not know how my H and I started acting like 2 yr olds, but I want it to stop ! <p>I appreciate all the love and kindness I am getting here... thanks, I am feeling more up today, about to go and get my nails donw! I figured a little self care would not hurt me... I tend to feel bad when I start to neglect me too!<p>Hugs, HONEY

Hi, I am feeling very sad again, my H is trying to make out like he does not care about me anymore... and it makes me quite sad..he is still mad over last week phone call to his dad and grandmother... says this shows him the true me, and that he cannot care about me... and he has to give me many many consequences for my actions... such as... not seeing me, not letting me come over.. not talking to me on the phone... etc etc etc... he has been very very mean since last week, we did go tout one night this week and he claims it was a mistake and he should not of spent the time with me.<p>H

I just came on looking for any replies and reread yours, JO's and COnguerers replies.. Yes- it is hard not to get mad at my H, or express it that is, when he does all this to me... and I think I am moving to acce[tance like you sd conquerer.. it is like... ok, this is the way you are.. fine I will move on- and Yes, I do think he is in a cave.. .i may need to reread the men are from mars, venus book? I just know he is withdrawing and it hurts.. but he is a bit wondring about me and kids plans today ,as we moved on... he is asking what we are doing... and he is missing us... maybe that is the better...I will just wait for him to make next move... I am tired of being hurt... and yes Resilient... it is good.. to realize that depression is anger turned inward... I ususally don't do that, hehe... I usually blow up... and then I am better! But, now I get to feel bad about being angry... Sad, but I do not even think it is bad to feel angry.... I just cant express it as I have at times... to My H? I do not express that anger to anyone else like that... except maybe fil as of late.. but I am just letting it go... let it go, let it go, let it go!!!<p>thanks, H

As I get lower and lower over my H ignoring me and not caring about me, or at least acting that way, i want to call and scream at him... HOW can you do this to me...? A big part of my anger is how hard I have to work to support the kids since his abandonment... my mom is becoming more like my 3 yr olds mom than me.. she keeps him and takes him to preschool, this makes me irate... and I blame H... I am trying so hard to find a way to be with my kids more... but I really can't... and being mom and dad... or being all alone and trying to raise 2 kids by myself is not what I signed up for... I just think it would be so much fairer to leave with no kids in the pic... how can anyone abaondon their family!?<p>Thanks, H