I really appreciate the great advice I'm getting from this site. I am working on me at the moment and want to take up some new activity. I understand that maintaining some mystery may turn a WS's head so I would like to select something that will intrigue my W. Any thoughts from people who have tried it?

Do you work out? I know if my husband suddenly began to work out regularly, purposely, I would be eaten alive with curiousity and anxiety. But then I'm easily agitated. Maybe your wife isn't that way?<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: Rose Red ]</p>

Thanks RR<p>I'm quite fit from playing squash and I've lost loads of weight through the worry. She knows that already and it certainly doesn't intrigue her. I'm not sure I could take any more exercise right now.

Paul,<p>One of the MB principles is to spend at LEAST 15 hours a week together - that means no TV, no friends, no kids - just you and the W. I know that's hard to do [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Because my W is into Art and of which I know nothing, I've taken-up a degree course in Art. It's great fun and has really, really opened my eyes and heart to a world I never appreciated before.<p>Because I love running and used to run for an hour or so alone, my W took up running to keep me company. And now that we have common interests whilst she's running I'm at an Art exhibitions [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] just teasing but really, finding an interest in each other and spending QUALITY time together has done wonders for our relationship. It's not so much intrigue that has helped us but being each others friend again that has helped.<p>take care,<p>- Freddy<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

Well, I don't know if I could stand to spend 15 hours with H every week but...<p>I think you should think of the things that you always wanted to do..piano lessons, skydiving, cooking class, whatever and go for it. I've always wanted to write and that's what I call my own for me. I'm all for sharing most of our lives but still feel that we should all still do something just for us.

Thanks Freddy,<p>She's not interested in me right now so 15 hours a week is out of the question. 15 minutes maybe.

Paul===<p>I am kind of in the same boat...<p>15 hours would be wondeful but not practical...<p>I hope you get soem answers b-cuz outside of workingout I don't have many. Our C says thi sis important, but I just haven't found somethign that works...<p>E

Yes, I understand where you're coming from. For me, I could probably do the 15 hours thing, but it'd push WW away right now - I HAVE been finding that spending time away from her, being more "mysterious", "energetic", "confident" does make her curious, although she might not admit it. It's just in her tone and small things she says. So yes, it's worth trying. (It's consistent with the Divorce Busting techniques discussed a bit around here.) It's not going to work in all situations - you need to be a keen observer. Also, don't expect instant results - it's a long process as is any of this. In fact, if you make it work in the context of your Plan A, I think there's some real overlap. That's not to say that it replaces Plan B - I think there's still a need for that in MOST cases (see thread "Misapplication of Plan A"). It is a good way to get some distance from WS, and possibly recharge one's motivation to continue. In investigating what WW believed was wrong in our M, one of the factors was that I was not very independent - by doing some of this stuff, I'm actually successfully demonstrating independence which falls in nicely into my Plan A - perfect!<p>Things you might want to consider: going out with work friends for some fun stuff (can invite her - if she declines, she'll know you're out having fun and being independent, if she accepts, she gets to see you having fun, and others showing you are a great, fun guy); join an outdoor adventure group (hiking for example, as I've done) - it's fun, and you can talk it up - "oh, we had so much fun..." - again, she'll know that you're "getting a life" - good stuff!

Paul,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> She's not interested in me right now so 15 hours a week is out of the question. 15 minutes maybe <hr></blockquote><p>That's exactly where I was last year. W was definitely more interested in spending time with other people (mainly the OM) than with me. And that's when I read HN/HN and found this conference.<p>The 15 hours a week I use for guidance - I mean it would be impossible for us too - but on that scale of 0 - 15, if I'm down in the sub-2 hours a week, I invite me wife to dinner, to an exhibition or for a run just to make sure that we get the time we need, alone, together.<p>I also made this a part of my Plan A. I arranged the babysitter, I booked the table at a nice restaurant or at a wine bar. I made sure I got time with my W and the OM didn't. Oh sure, she created a real stink at the time. She wanted to invite friends along or just go out with her grilfriends. However, thanks to the support I had from the wonderful people here, I never let up. <p>It's still not perfect (with two kids and work etc how can it be), but it's a lot, lot better than it ever was.<p>I'm not sure as to exactly where you are with your W so I hope I'm being sensitive to your situation - these are just some thoughts, that's all,<p>take care and good luck,<p>- Freddy<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

I think Freddy's idea is good, but if she's really hostile to those overtures, you may want to try kind of paralleling her. My H is really into competing in his sport of choice. I asked to accompany him to competitions (which take place where the OW works), and he refused to take me, saying it would be too distracting and mess up his concentration while he's competing.<p>He also watches this sport on TV, so I started watching it with him and learning everything I could about it on my own as well. Now I understand everything about it, all the lingo, strategy, etc., and can carry on an intelligent conversation about it. Since he continued to refuse to take me with him, and by this time I had developed enough of my own interest in it, I decided to get into it myself, but somewhere else, so that I'd be going and doing the same thing at the same time, but elsewhere.<p>When I announced that I was going to start in a league at another place on the same night, he said that he'd rather I went along with him on that night "now that I'm doing better" [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] , so now he takes me every time. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So, if your W has an interest that you could get into, but not invade her territory, then when and if she lets you in, you'd automatically have a shared interest and activity to enjoy together. My H can talk for an hour or two at a time about it, and I think he really enjoys my ability to listen and respond with understanding and appreciation for all the different things he describes, all the ins and outs.

Conqueror,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> so I started watching it with him and learning everything I could about it on my own as well. Now I understand everything about it, all the lingo, strategy, etc., and can carry on an intelligent conversation about it. <hr></blockquote><p>brilliant - that's exactly the spirit that will win him over. Good for you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Now I know why you call yourself 'conqueror' - it gives you power [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>- Freddy