I WANT TO BREAK THE ASSOCIATION BETWEEN CHILD #3 AND AFFAIR REGARDLESS OF THE ****TY TIMING!<p>Well, let me get to the core issue here and maybe someone can enlighten me. Wife had a short (2-3 month) affair about 15 months ago, I found out about 12 months ago. 1 weeks after finding out, I found out she was pregnant. The affair had been over for about 6 weeks and I know that the child is mine for reasons I won't bother getting into, yet I still question it due to my obsessive, perfectionist attitudes. The timing of the pregnancy is unbelievably horrible. For one, we did not want another (3rd) child. I look at the child with resentment but deep down, part of my resentment is that I caused the child (ie. that one-time unprotected sex during ovulation), which flows over to resentment towards my wife for "making" me associate the child with the affair. Again, I know the child is mine, but not DNA tested. I don't want to DNA test because I simply want to accept things as they are. If the child WERE by some twist of fate to come back as not mine, what would it change? She still has 3 kids, she would be devistated no doubt, I would become more miserable that I already am. I am an obsessive-type person anyway which I believe plays a large roll in my resentment issue. So, a DNA test, which I know would be conclusive that the child is mine, really wouldn't resolve anything. Quite simply, I want to love this child, MY CHILD, as I do my others, love my wife as I know I can, all without the feelings of association of child-and-affair-resentment. Like most affair-affected-people, I have my good days and my bad days but I'm ready to move on with our life as a family. I want to take responsibility for my feelings and not project more "fault" than is due her. Plus, the general stress of 3 kids, other stressful "regular" life-stuff, etc... I'm pretty much overloaded and fear that my feelings will just drag on forever. Did I mention that I have been fighting a depression and axiety disorder for most of my life, which makes moving forward that much harder. Counseling and meds help some, but ultimately I think I need an attitude and thought-pattern adjustment and "simply" accept the past for what it is and move on.<p>(as usual, simply dumping my thoughts / feelings like this is a big self-help in itself)<p>Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

As you said, the timing is very bad for this child's entrance into the world, and I can appreciate your difficulty. I don't have the same thing, but it was while I was pregnant and nursing that my H started distancing from me and preparing for and carrying out his betrayal of me, so nothing during the pregnancy and early part of his life is what I thought it was, so it always makes me sad to remember, and I feel badly that I haven't kept up with pictures and videos as I did with the older children because of my sorrow all during this time.<p>Even now, I wonder where he came from, really all my children for that matter, because I was not married to the person I thought I was married to, so it kind of alters my perception of them as well. Kind of like I might as well have been artificially inseminated since I have no idea who their father truly is (as a person). Usually we have children as a result of our love for each other, like a physical visible manifestation of it that will continue after we are gone, so it can be disappointing when it is not what you thought it was.<p>Added to that the fact that had I known what this man would do to me, I never would have married him or had children by him, and it ends up being a very sad thing to think about sometimes.<p>I think the only way to deal with it is to learn to appreciate our children as individuals and not dwell on how they originated. I have adopted children as well, so I have a frame of reference for this that makes it a little easier to see my children's separateness and let go of defining them as a product of my and my H's "love".<p>And it helps to constantly remind yourself that the child is totally innocent of the entire matter and did not ask to be conceived. I know you already know all this and remind yourself of it constantly. It is probably one of those things that time will help. I don't think the sorrow surrounding that period of time will ever go away, but it will probably fade and be less intense as the child grows and exhibits its individuality.<p>Being a woman, I have the advantage of knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that all my children are mine. I heard recently that a study was done where they did random DNA tests on newborns and their parents, and in an alarmingly high percentage of cases, the man who thought he was the father was not. Very sad. Men can never know with the certainty that women can.