My WS and I had another conversation this past weekend, and one thing that sticks out in my head is how convinced she is that she is the only one to experience this. I don't mean to suggest that she doesn't realize that people have A's everywhere, what I think I am trying to say is that she has this unshakable feeling that there must be something wrong or "evil" ( her words) with her for creating so much pain for everyone around her. I listened to her talk and reassured her that she is not evil, that she just mad some wrong choices. My question is how many WS's out there feel the same way and how does this effect the recovery process. Is there anyone that can relate how they overcame or are overcoming this feeling ? I know from reading all of these post, how all BS's get the same lines, the same story and, not to make fun of it, but it's so similar it's hard for me to understand how someone can't see through the B##l S##t and know that this is what happens when you make these choices. How do or did you justify or rationalize your behavior ?
Anyone care to comment ?

I’m a FWS. I can understand how your wife feels. I was raised with high moral standards (or so I thought). I was raised to believe that sex outside of marriage was wrong (I was a virgin when I married my husband). Then I cheated on my H. Sometimes even now, almost two years after the affair, I’m amazed that I could betray my own values. What was I thinking? I knew it was wrong but I shut my conscience off and proceeded to break my vows to God, my husband, and my family. I must be nuts. Because I am nuts I most be worthless and not worthy of anybody’s love and friendship. <p>Sound like your wife? My counselor said, and I think she’s right, that you don’t have to forget the pain and guilt. It’s not necessary for your recovery. You can let it stay a part of you and use it to become a better person from it just like you might use other experiences that happen in your life. And in never forgetting you safeguard yourself from ever doing something like this again.

Hi Mark:<p>I am a betrayer, and I would like to take a stabe at responding to your post.<p>First off, what your wife is feeling seems normal. I've felt that way many times. Here is my analysis of it. . . when we reach a certain point in accepting our main role in all this we begin to be harder on ourselves then our betrayed spouse is. We have taken the time to disect our inner self. To expose the reality of this "evil" and to own the fact that we alone are the cause for such pain, grief, turmoil, etc. It's rather an ugly picture that is painted of us. Then reality hits - if I am actually seeing myself in such a shadow of darkness, my spouse must see me in it too. Ouch!!! Then, the more we disclose and talk about the more we feel we are such an awful person. We fail to realize that instead of seeing us as this evil, vile individual, our spouse actually admires us for being able to open up and really try. That the more we expose, the more vulnerable we make ourselves to ridicule, the more our spouse sees us in this better light. The more our spouse can truly see that we WANT to rebuild. However, our spouse fails to see that we are finally realizing that we weren't there for them when we were supposed to be. We finally see in full light that the one person we promised to love and protect we have caused such pain and hurt. It's alot to stomach. Then we look at all we missed out on. <p>So, I think you are really asking how to help her and how to deal with this. You are doing great. Just keep telling her she made a mistake, and people make mistakes. Reassure her that she's not evil or awful. Let her know you love her, and then let her know that you appreciate her efforts now and you acknowledge what she is exposing to you about herself. That it doesn't make her weak or bad, it actually shows her strength to own her wrongs and expresses her true desire to make it right.<p>As for justification - I never tried to justify. Actually, for a long time I couldn't even explain the why. There was a lot of "it just happended", etc. We all know that's not true, but it is hard to dig that deep and face the depts of our destructive path and the shadows of our lies. Give her some time with that. Eventually she will see that it is a key to rebuilding and will be able to disect a little deeper to come up with a much better answer. Right now, she is hiding from her skeletins some, and that's not totally a bad thing. It's just something really hard to face.<p>You are doing a wonderful job. Remember, as with the betrayed spouse, the betrayer can never receive too much reassurance.<p>Peace. Take care.

As a FWS, I want to tell her she's not evil...just human and as such can make human mistakes.<p>I think it's important, as was said above, to learn from it and safeguard against doing it again.<p>I believe very much in choices/consequence. I made the choice to have an affair. I made the choice to lie, sneak and cheat on my husband. I made the choice to do something that I knew would destroy my family and tear my marriage apart. <p>I also made the choice to come out of the fog and end the affair. I also made the choice to try to rebuild my suffering marriage. I also made the choice to be in love with my husband, flaws and all, because I do love him.<p>We all suffer the consequences of our every action, good and bad.<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>

Hi Mark,<p>Remember, the only criminal is the one that get's caught AND convicted. And then, don't they just feel soooo remorseful !!!!<p>I too believe in choices/consequences. And I believe that when we make some of our choices we don't SEE the consequences (which I don't think is a conscious choice). It's like our vulnerability, our greed, our desire/lust, our weakness at a particular moment overcomes our ability to think and rationalise. <p>It's only when we get caught that we feel remorseful !!!!<p>- Freddy

Thank You for responding. I wonder how some of you came to the conclusions you did. Did it take some soul searching or did it just come to you. Am I being naive or is the answer to all of this really simple. Live with what you have done and use it as a reminder of how your actions can hurt others. was there a level of maturity that had to be reached for these ideas to come out. Were you torn between returning to your M and running away ? I believe these are the questions my W struggles with.

mark,
I think it does require a certain level of 'karmic awareness'. And not everyone can achieve the same level. Some people can never be honest enough with anyone, including themselves, to admit to the damage they've done. Some people can admit it but blame somebody or something else for its cause. And some very brave, sturdy souls can clearly see where the line curved and they went off the tracks. And even stronger ones can see how to keep it from happening again.<p>And I do think the answer really is as simple as you have stated. But it's easier to maintain a lie if you cover it up in bs. Think Wizard of Oz here. <p>I do not claim to be one of those highly enlightened souls but whatever truths I have learned have come at the expense of much down and dirty soul-searching, wreaking havoc and having havoc slung my way, trial and error, heartbreak and happiness and lots of hours in a really great therapist's chair. But if you don't have honesty with yourself and others, I doubt you'll benefit much. I think it's called LIFE. And yes, maturity is one of the ingredients. I know that I am so different now than when I was 18, 26, 35 or even 40. (I will only admit to being 40 in a conceptual way, you understand).<p>As for running away...sure, I toyed with the idea as a fantasy...an escape valve to let off steam but even at the height (I feel an oxymoron here) of the affair, I knew what my responsibilities were and how my actions would/did affect my family.

I never thought I would have to face the consequences. I thought my wife would never find out. I was sure I was the smart guy in all of this. I was wrong of course. She found out. She was angry and then it went away. Last year friends of ours went through a separtation due to an affair. I sat and watched as my wife listend to all the details and watched her mind start clicking. I knew what was coming. She came at me like a mack truck, years later I might add and
hammered me with question after question. All of the detail type. I lied and lied and lied. I did not want to look in her face and tell her what I had done. The questions made me realize how awful I was and I didn't want to hurt her or get me in any more trouble. Seems like every choice I made was the wrong one. Eventually, she fell into depression. I was forced to tell her the truth after realizing that was the only way out of this mess our lives had become. It make me sick to think what I have done. I know choices have consequences, but I thought I could get around them. I was wrong.