I just wanted to introduce myself. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and reading the BS point of view (here and on another site). I can honestly say I am sickened when I see the pain of the BS in the aftermath of the affair. To think that I was involved in something that potentially had these damaging effects on a totally innocent person (wife) I am horrified. And the fact that while I was in the situation I did not care - I did not think about the pain she would have felt had she known. I thank God everyday that this affair did not come to the light of day (wife never found out) and is now over, although I was deeply hurt. I don't think my pain can compare to the pain of a wife who found out her husband is cheating on her.<p>Love,
Shannon

Welcome to MB -
How long ago did this occur? I'm glad you came to MB because it will truly enlighten you and help to educate you on the casualties from your actions. Are you M? Does your spouse know?<p>It truly would have helped the BW if she knew what her H was up to, while on the computer. But for you, it is a good thing that you are reaching out for help. To help you heal is the important thing here.<p>You can search my previous posts. I usually post in the "Recovery" site, but I snoop in this one as well from time to time.

I am single, never been married. I just got caught up in a crazy situation. It makes me sad.

Well, I'm glad you are to the point of changing your thinking and doing something with your life. Go out and meet people and build wonderful friendships. You learned a lesson that YOU will never forget. Try to get to understand yourself and grow from this experience. Try to find out what emotional need were you getting from this online affair. If you feel the draw to get back into an online relationship, I would suggest talking with a counselor. There is no shame in seeing a counselor. I see one and many others on this board as well.<p>Well, to make a long speech short, I'm glad you are getting a glimpse into the ramifications of your actions and I hope you never forget them. YOU are far too important to make such big mistakes to yourself and others in life. Good luck to you and make HEALTHY choices for yourself in the future!

Shannon,<p>I hope you continue to post and read and respond.<p>I think single, never married women who have affairs with married men are often deeply affected ... and their affair experience makes having a (future) happy marriage MORE difficult. <p>Please examine your values ... the core of your self-esteem .... is fidelity important to you? Is committment? Is promise-keeping? Is honesty? .... Stuff like that. <p>What made you happy to be in a relationship with a married man? Are you running away from committment? Are you needy, and require lots of attention to feel good about yourself? Were you looking to be rescued?.... Stuff like that.<p>Here's a really diffcult thing for you to ask yourself: "What does marriage mean to me?"<p>I think you addressing these issues with courage, and your ability to forgive yourself ... will greatly assist you in making better choices in the future.<p>Best of luck to you dear Shannon. As my friend "Blade" says, "Keep your chin up."<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

That's what I am hoping. By examining the issues now I will be prepared for a healthy marriage. This board is really eye opening.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Shannon1:
<strong> I thank God everyday that this affair did not come to the light of day (wife never found out) and is now over, although I was deeply hurt. I don't think my pain can compare to the pain of a wife who found out her husband is cheating on her.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Shannon,<p>Your A hurt the W whether she "knows" about it or not. Dr. Harley is very clear about the damage undisclosed infidelity does to a M. Don't deceive yourself about that--it is not the finding out that causes the pain.<p>It is the A that harms the M, not the knowledge of it. That woman is unwittingly married to someone who has stabbed her in the back and doesn't even have the decency to point out the quicksand she is standing on or the minefield he planted all around her. I guess if there's anything we BSs here can be thankful for, it is that we are no longer in that unfortunate group.<p>If you want to read what Dr. Harley says about it, follow this link and scroll down to the section, Should An Affair Be Revealed?:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Conqueror-
Thanks. I did read that article when I first came here. Right now I am doing the "never see or speak with a former lover again after the affair." I was the one who ended things with MM, and he kept initiating contact. Finally, I ended up crying to him on the phone (7 months later, after having dealt with emails from him every couple of weeks, asking why he continued to contact me when I had told him not to. He said he didn't want to lose my friendship. I said what kind of frienship is this? Friends can call each other when they want. Friends are not kept secret.) Then his wife got home so he had to get off the phone (quite perfect considering what I just had said). The next night he agreed to no contact. He said I can see that my contacting you is not allowing you to move on (duh, it's what I had been saying for months.) I said ok. Then we both said good luck. That was the last time we spoke.<p>For a while I wondered whether to contact the wife, but I was persuaded not to. I am not going to be doing that. I think it's his job to do that. Sadly, I don't think he will. He's quite the liar.

Shannon,<p>You say that you had the affair 'over the internet'. Does this mean that you did not meet him in person?<p>I find your situation interesting. Please read my signature block. My current H did this with 10 women at one time. I did not know about them for 2.5 years. And each of them thought that they were the only one he was involved with. His entire house of cards fell in when I found his IM buddy list and contacted 30 of the 60 women on it. Of those 30, he was involved with 10. <p>Others here are right. The damage was already done to his marriage. His wife is already hurt. From my experience, her knowing the truth would actually help her deal with the things that have been going bump in the dark in her life. Those things that have made her feel crazy. My bet is that she has a gut feeling but he's been telling her that she is making things up. <p>I know that in my case, I'd want to know. No matter who told me. I've prayed for years that my ex-H's OW'en, or anyone would come forth and answer some of my questions. He certainly won't.<p>With my current H is was lucky in that all of his OW'en were so shocked when I contacted them (they did not even know he was married) that they opened up to me. Later, some of them realized what they had done and stopped talking to me. But I had already gotten what I needed to know from them.

zorweb -
Yes, the affair was over the internet and the phone. We did not meet in person, though we wanted to. I ended things before a meeting could take place. I knew in my heart this was wrong.

How long did your relationship go on?

The relationship took place over internet/phone for 7 months. Then there was about 8 months of the in between stage. I had ended it, but there was an email from him every couple of weeks, trying to be friends. I always responded *****y or asking questions that he could never answer. Now we are finally in total no contact of about a month and a half...he finally agreed to it, saying he could see I wasn't moving on (duh, I had been saying that for 8 months that we couldn't be friends). It took me crying on the phone to convince him of that (that was our only phone contact since I had ended the affair)....

that word that got cut out was b*tchy (or b*tchily)

Good for you that you ended the affair before it went any further. Your comment about that at one point you did not even care if you were hurting his wife, that is what affairs are about, pure selfishness. But you have proven that you are not like that, you woke up and did the right thing.<p>An interesting thing about my H’s OW’en, after it all sunk in with them. About two months after d-day, almost every one of them got to a point where they were angry at me and wanted him back. They started saying very mean things to me. They started trying to contact him. For a while I’d go on line in his IM account because I was cleaning things up, getting his family, friends IM addresses and such for him. I did this because he had promised to never chat with women again. These women would IM, thinking it was him and try to start up the relationships again.<p>A note about no contact. If he ever starts up again, the way to stop it is not to get his agreement but to just not answer his phone calls, delete (or block his email) etc. If you told him that you did not want any more contact and he continued it is total disrespect of your wishes. Shows another undesirable side of him.<p>One thing that works wonders if he contacts you again is to send him a copy of a letter written to his wife telling her of the affair. Ask him to proof read it and to give you input. And tell him that the next time he contacts you, you will send it to her.

Believe me zorweb,
I have thought of that many times! But I thought that would be cruel and selfish - to threaten to tell his wife. Especially becuase I had made that promise to him a while back - that I would never do something like that.

God I am depressed. Affairs are so hurtful and destructive. Why do we get in these situations?