Oh how I just want to cry!!!<p>Ok, some of you know me from Redbook, and some of you may have picked up on a lot of my story from my contributions to other posts. Basically, I am about 7-8 months into rebuilding. Things have been going pretty good for hubby and me. Sue we have our ups and downs, but that's to be expected. When we run into rocks in the road, I turn to my support group and keep my head above water and we get through it together quite nicely. So, I need my support group. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>When I had my affair I saw the OM almost every day for lunch. I would turn my cel off and give many different reasons why I wasn't available. In any event, today he tried to reach me and I was busy with work doing a bunch of filing projects I've been given. I didn't hear my phone and didn't get the message till later. I called him back but got his voice mail and left a message. I also e-mailed him to let him know I was thinking of him and sorry I missed his call. When I called again I got him and he was moody. He said it was funny but when he called he got a message that I was on another call. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I wasn't! I told him someone else may have been on my phone (which is very possible). In any event, he said he was busy and had to go. I said I love you and he simply said bye, kind of hurried and irritated. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I emailed him that I was sorry I upset him and I didn't mean too. <p>Now I'm really down and bummed. I feel like crying cause I'm pretty certain I've triggered a "here we go again". Yet, it's not like that at all. Mostly I need to vent right now and get this out before I get all stressed and start the mild anxiety feelings. I DON'T WANT TO STEP BACK!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So, anyone who may have some words to help, I would greatly appreciate it. I could really use some assistance keeping my head above water right now. Thanks a ton.

Oh Sweet Tutter! This is one of those DOWN days. To him, this is a bitter reminder of what happened before. You know you guys have been getting through these times. It's very hard for him, you know that.<p>Talk with him tonight, try to keep the lines of communication open (I know you will). Ask for possible ways to prevent this in the future, or what would make him feel better for future occurances of that. Perhaps next time if you are going to be away from your desk or busy, send him a line or give him a call... let him know what's going on.<p>I know it's frustrating Tutter because I KNOW you are really trying here. But it's just one of those roller coaster rides you're on and you always come back up. You as in You and H.<p>Make it a good night tonight. Make it special. Remind him how much you love him, how much you WANT this to work, remind him you are sorry for the past... let him know you will do NOTHING to jeapardize your future together.<p>You'll be OK. You always are. Hang in there girl! You are doing GREAT! It's just one of those things for him that brings back painful memories.<p>Love ya,
Clear

Oh tutter, how I know what you mean. Recently my H has seemed somewhat distant and disturbed. I've been so busy with this new business deal and I've thought maybe that was it...that he might be feeling neglected. I made him a nice meal the other night and asked him if something was wrong. He assured me nothing was...just tired. But...it occured to me today that he might be worried about me having a business. Somewhere I can get phonecalls and emails and he wouldn't know a thing. I'm planning on talking with him about it...to find some way that he can remain confident in me and in us. I think...for him though...as long as I'm still hugging and smooching on him...and as long as I'm actually WORRIED about what he thinks....he'll feel confident that everything is ok. Cause when it wasn't ok I wouldn't touch him, I didn't care to explain anything to him, and I was very secretive and grouchy if questioned. I think my actions and attentions to him will help to get us through any of these doubtful times.<p>You two will get through this...it will just take time and STRENGTH! The more you get through this stuff the stronger you'll be...and the next time he gets a busy signal he will feel a little more secure and a little less triggered...bit by bit he will heal. And realize...maybe he's just having an all round crappy day. On a good day this may not have been such a big deal. Help him get through the WHOLE day...and this once incident won't feel like a setback, it will go back to just being a fluke.

It is going to happen over and over again. There are many triggers that my H goes through, that I don't even know about. Let's just hope that they ask us about them or talk about them when they happen. Most of the time, my H won't even bring them up.<p>We are human. We are not perfect. That is the thing that my IC is beating into my head on a weekly basis. If my H is not willing to ask or talk about it, there is not a darn thing I can do about it. It is up to him to pursue anything that is eating at him. I'm here for him and that IS ALL I can do.<p>I tripped over myself trying to make everything run perfectly so that my H would feel better. You know what, that makes it worse. I can't do anything to CONTROL what he thinks or to CONTROL his triggers. I can't FIX this. Again, all I can do is be here and listen to him IF he finally spills out some conversation regarding the A or M. <p>Today, 4 years from A, my IC is really getting to the bottom of ME. That is where I am today. But, I still get pulled back because of the remorse, shame, and guilt. My IC has stated (loudly, I might add) to stop it. She's shaking the ground I walk on. <p>But I know exactly what you are talking about - been there, done that, many times. It just happens and there is nothing we personally can do to stop it. The BS will go through their healing at their own pace. From what I hear, they will ask questions when they are ready and their triggers will slowly loose their frequency when they are ready as well.<p>Don't beat yourself up. There's not much you can do except to be there for him.

Thank you all for your speedy replies. Oh how I needed the uplift. I will do my all to make tonight go well and let him know that he and his feelings matter. I will keep in mind your posts and work with things to keep the progress moving in a positive motion. He is usually pretty good at talking. Thanks for taking the time to respond. It means so much to me to have such a support group. I have to be on my way now, work is done and I want to get home by hubby. I will post an update tomorrow. Thanks again.

o, how well I know that sinking feeling in my stomach when I can't reach WH on cell... or he doesn't call me back right away...<p>...but each time HE works to reassure me... it helps... when I see and hear that he wants me to trust him... I do a little more each time...<p>...in turn, I am working harder to control my reactions and not ASSUME... I hope your H can do the same for you...<p>hugs, Cali

Coming at it from the other end, anything you can think of and do yourself that would demonstrate EMPATHY and INSIGHT is the way to go. Think of a great way to prevent the problem in the future. It was mentioned calling him ahead of time if you anticipate being unreachable for a period of time, which is a good one. Anything you can do to show that you, by your own self, already see that this might be a problem for him and that you are working on viable solutions to reassure him so it won't happen in the future is the way to go IMO.<p>I disagree about waiting for the BS to bring things up. I NEVER bring things up anymore because my H's responses are so purposefully ignorant. It is when HE starts seeing what he needs to do and comes to me with HIS perceptions of what he did and does and how HE is going to fix it that I might start believing anything he says. I've already told him everything he needs to know about triggers and his insensitivity to that.<p>Oh wait, as I'm writing this I'm suddenly aware that my case might be different because my H was the BS in his previous Ms, so he has no excuse for his lack of empathy and insight.<p>But I still think it can't hurt to develop that and anticipate the reassurance your BS may need. Even if you don't hit a bullseye, at least he'll know you have your eyes on the target and are aiming there, that you care.

Hi tutter, hope things are going well for you and your husband tonight. I can understand well how your husband felt when he couldn't get ahold of you. It's not like us BS' want to have those triggers happen, it just comes up out of the clear blue, and then comes the anger and resentment. I'm anxiously waiting for the day when they will come less frequently. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, and to let you know how much you helped me yesterday. Last night was the first really good conversation my husband and I had, where he really listened to me and opened up a little more. He is usually so guarded in his talking about the affair because he is so afraid of upsetting me and triggering all those bad feelings, but then that leads me to think he is hiding something. Your response to me on what I should say to him really helped. Us BS' need lots of patience on the WS' side, and we need to know that you truly understand what we are going through. Remember when I told you my husband couldn't understand why I was so upset about the e-mail regarding traveling with his female co-worker (not OW), and he didn't tell me about the e-mail right away, and I read it and flipped out? To him it was insignificant, but to me it was a major trigger. What may appear trivial to you is obviously not to your husband, so now you know that he NEEDS to be able to reach you at all times. It's just one of those things we go through. Take care and good luck, and lots of pixie dust!
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Hiya Tutter,<p>Ok, so while you are trying to help your H recovery from these crazy triggers that spring out of nowhere share him this hopefullly humorus trigger story. <p>In the 'olden days', party lines used to be a big pain but many found it fun to hear what other people had to say......on that thought let me share today's cell version of a 'party line'. <p>This afternoon, I called H after his last class and he did not answer his phone. I tried again since his cell does roam in and out of various areas (nextel). Anyway during one of those calls a woman's voice came on and said "....well if you are coming over tonight, I can...". Talk about triggers. Then H's phone rang without me even pressing another button. I talked to H and asked if he was on the phone with someone else. He said no he was almost home and the phone did not pick up the ring until just now. Hm..... he laughed but not guiltylike. He mentioned how he had 3 way calling but would never be dumb enough to hook me in a call like that and said he had not spoken to anyone other than me. <p>But that trigger is still ringing in my mind. As a BS I can tell you we trigger at the least item. Why? Because the trust is not fully restored yet. <p>So, hug you H, give him the reassurance with sincerity that he needs and then take him out to dinner.<p>L.

What is wrong with this picture? My H has made it "Oh So Clear" that I am not to discuss the M or the A with him. So, if I can plainly see with my own eyes that he was triggered or that something is bothering him, really, I cannot do a darn thing about it.<p>I've LB'ed because I've reached that level of aaargh! You know what I mean. But for the most part, I can do nothing but just take care of the house and the knowledge that I am here. See, I hear things from both sides. In the recovery section, they are telling me to back off. Be patient. But others say I should approach my H to prevent triggers.<p>I truly am floundering around, not knowing what the heck to do. It has been 4 long years and frankly, I'm to the point of running into the streets these days.<p>Another thing, my IC is telling me that I need to go on with my life. I said, how can I feel remorse for my H's sake, while at the same time, find strength in myself again. She says you can't do both. You can continue to tell your H how sorry you are, but it's time to go on.<p>Well, sorry for using this post, but I'm in a bit of a tizzy!

Kim,<p>In your case, since he has specifically requested no talking about it from you, I'd suggest doing.<p>For instance, tonight we were watching TV, and a show came on that had people revealing their As to their SOs. My H didn't say anything, but he pulled me close and held me tight and all during the evening he was very attentive with kisses, caresses, cuddling. So I knew he knew and was communicating that through his actions.

Thank you all so much for the responses. You have given me a lot of extra strength that I needed in my weak moment. It really means so much to me to have people like you that really care and want to help. Thank you.<p>Last night went well. I asked him if he was ok and he said yes. He seemed sincere, but I was still a little unsatisfied with that. So, I went up to him and kissed him on the cheek (he was doing bills at the time) and said "I just want you to know that I am really sorry if I made you feel or think anything bad today. I didn't mean to, and I want to make sure you know that your feelings do matter to me and I love you." He thanked me and that was it. The rest of the evening was great. His shoulder was hurting (muscle knot) so I rubbed it for awhile to loosten it up. We watched a movie and then went to bed (very passionate - use your imaginations) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . My night turned out really good.<p>Again, thank you all for your time and confidence. You know, we all really know what is involved in rebuilding, but at down moments we do need reminding and encouragment that we are strong enough to uphold that. Hubby was a bit distant and/or moody this morning. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] He said he's just tired, so I have to take it for that, but I can't help but wonder if something else may be wrong. Oh, well. I will just go off of last night and what he said was wrong (tired). I wish you all a good day.<p>Remember, the two sides aren't all that different in the aspect that we both need alot of reassurance, understanding, and compassion. I wish you all well in your roads. I'll see you around, but forgive me if it's not all too often because I've been given the job from hell at work. Plus, I'm usually not on the computer on the weekends. So, have a wonderful day and a fabulous weekend. I'll be around some today though. Take care everyone, and one more thing, thanks for welcoming to your community with such open arms. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]