Wow...what a great plan! TD, even if your husband is a fool...it might do you good to stand up for YOURSELF! I love the idea of not mushing over him to give the appearance that he is in fact the pursuer! Do like the little engine and just keep telling yourself I CAN do this, I AM strong, I AM better than this! A little anger can go a long way in helping that along. I hope you do go and are the bell of the ball....and, thinking of that. If H wants you there how about letting him foot the bill for getting a little pampering in? Tell him you'd love to go but you need a new dress/outfit, and a day at the beauty parlor would sure get you more in the mood! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Work this situation to work FOR YOU not against you. Good luck!!!

Tiny,
Your H is ticking me off and I'm not even married to him!
YOU are affecting the children? Blahaha
Anyway the party. I can understand not wanting to go. I had to go to a funeral service with my H and all his co-workers (OW). I pulled it off but my hands were shaking when I saw her. I smiled acknowledged her by name then whispered something nasty in her ear smiling the whole time. Any onlooker would have thought I was telling her she looked nice.
It made me feel powerful for a day, I would not try to go places she is but I am no longer afraid to. All his co-workers know and I think some of them were looking at me with pity which was the worst, but to not be there I would have felt weak.
I am stronger,smarter, and a better person than her and thats what I presented in front of her. She now avoids me like the plague, she is scared of me.
I like the idea of us all being with you when you walk in, that is really the way I felt when I faced her - like I'm doing this for all BS!
Whatever you do we are behind you.
Do you think your husbands crumby blaming behavior is from withdrawal or from continued contact?

Thanks everyone for helping me with this. I still don't know what to do. I feel like my life has become a bad soap opera. My H has called several times today to ask if I'm going to the dinner. I haven't returned his calls.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sadprincess:
<strong>
Do you think your husbands crumby blaming behavior is from withdrawal or from continued contact?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I think his disgusting behvior is because he has always had an attitude that he is superior to other people. He tells our daughters the same thing, that they are better than other people (which is what he was told by his parents). His entire family is that way.<p>Would anyone like to come with me and hold my hand? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

TD,
Obviously you should go to the dinner. Do you honestly think you would feel better sitting home wondering what was happening. Go and be tough. Try to think of some sort of mantra to keep repeating to yourself all evening to help you get through it.<p>That said, I think the bigger issue here is how you feel about yourself right now. It sounds to me that you have lost yourself in all of the stress you've been facing. If you're not already taking medication, I would recommend an antidepressant. Zoloft is wonderful for helping with anxiety. You also need to start focusing on yourself a little bit. What can you do to make yourself feel good? Get your hair done, get a manicure, buy a new dress. You need to get some self confidence back! I have a relaxation tape I listen to when I'm feeling particularly stressed or worried. It helps me focus on what's important and what is not that I can let go of. Also when I'm feeling worried about my husband, I have to remind myself that I am a damn fine person and he is lucky to have me. Then I act like that is true. If I believe it, he believes it.<p>There's a great mantra for you to keep repeating to yourself "I'm a damn fine person and my husband is lucky to have me". Act like you deserve his respect and he might give it to you. If not, at least you will look strong and together. The only way you will fall apart at the dinner is if you let yourself start dwelling on things. Try thinking about yourself all evening. It sounds incredibly selfish but it helps. If you're thinking about yourself, you are not thinking about OW. <p>Just a few suggestions. Hope they help
sj

If only we could, but remember we can be there in spirit. I love sadprincess's whispering thing, but I don't know if I could pull it off. I prefer the beneath-my-notice stance.<p>I remember someone I knew going through a D and her H brought the OW to their child's wedding. This OW had done it with her H in the family home. The OW came up to her gushing and acting like she was all that, and my friend, in a low voice that no one else could hear said, "You violated my home. You leave me alone, and I'll leave you alone." The OW went pale and avoided her after that. Her H called her that night giving her a hard time for "threatening" his girlfriend. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I love these images. Deep down, the OW knows what shaky ground she stands on, so it doesn't take much to shake her confidence. It's hard to feel special when you're just the latest addition to a harem.

Dear Tiny Dancer,<p> Follow the others advice and GO! You will look great after a day getting your hair and with a new dress, and that will help you FEEL great. She is the one who deserves to feel bad, and she will feel demoralized if you show up exuding self-confidence, even if its just for show.<p>I know this sounds hard, even impossible, but you CAN do it. I had to go to the business where my WH had put his OW up to work for him, and tho when I knew I was going to go there I felt like throwing up, I did it and was pleasant and pretended to have no worries about her at all. I did it and when it was over I shook like a leaf, but felt so strong because if I could do this, I could do anything. I heard from a co-wporker later that she was very upset and distressed that I showed up there. Well, you know what? TOO
D&%M BAD! She was the one that didn't belong there, not me! <p>I hope you can get the strength to decide to go. It will go a long way for your battered self-esteem if you do. Take care, Carmen