i have been having an affair with my husbands friend. i am 37 he is only 23. He can by no means offer me what i have now. my husband treats me well and i have four wonderful kids. But i look forward to seeing him or talking to him. we talked to night and decided we had better end this before anyone finds out. Now i am hurting so bad, i can only cry. why am i feeling this way? i have been married for 17 years. i know this is the right thing to do but it really hurts. what should i do?

Are you willing to do whatever it takes to recover the love, trust, honesty, and intimacy in your marriage?<p>Are you here to feel better ... or to rebuild? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Pepper

Confused,<p>I presume that you already know the answer, STOP THE AFFAIR. It will hurt and if you continue any contact with the Other Man, OM, the pain will continue. I would like to strongly urge you to read some articles here. Further, I would strongly urge you to go the book store and look at two books His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair both by Harley.<p>There are other books that may be helpful, but start with those two. Heck, at a Barnes and Noble you can drink a coffee and read a good bit of one.<p>You much to learn about marriage, but the main thing you need to learn is why you had the affair and what you plan to do to make sure it doesn't happen again. After you have some ideas along this line, the next thing you need to address is your H. He needs to know what has happened and why. <p>Around here the main watch word is "radical honesty". Please read about it and why it is promoted. Radical honesty is a way to make your marriage much stronger, but it can and will be painful when you disclose your affair to your H.<p>So do some homework, stay away from OM (no contact of any sort), and begin to understand yourself much better.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Take a long look at yourself and your situation. <p>Why do you feel the need to go outside your marriage?? What is missing? You say your H treats you well. Have great kids. You need to determine why you have gone this route.<p>You feel the need to end it before anyone finds out. No matter if anyone does or not, you will still need to interact with your H on a day to day basis. Can you pretend that nothing has happened?? If so are you being true to yourself?<p>I'm really not the best at advise. Thats why I dont often post responses. There are others on this board who are great at it, and have been a great source of strength for me. I'm sure they will be talking to you soon.<p>I'm glad you found this site. It must mean you want to work on your marriage.<p>Good luck to you.

I'm sorry that anyone finds themselves in a place in which they need to be here. However, I am glad this website is here.<p>There is a reason you were swayed towards this OM, but it may not be clear to you for awhile yet. That will definitely need to be addressed when the time comes. It is extremely painful and you will probably feel a wide array of emotions for awhile.<p>What you are probably feeling right now is withdrawal. You were being generated in a sense, by the OM. I know it sounds so mechanical right now, but later down the road, you will be able to look upon this, probably in shock. The withdrawal will probably last for a few months. You will probably feel many urges to pick up the phone to talk to the OM. Please resist this urge. Even the slightest "hello" can get you back into the EA.<p>Does your H know? I know you don't want to hear this, but he needs to know. If he doesn't hear it from you, chances are, he will find out. Believe me, with the OM in the picture, you have probably been acting quite differently around your H. Even though he may not suspect the EA, I'm sure he's feeling that something is definitely not "right" in the M.<p>Keep us posted with your thoughts and emotions. You have our shoulders to cry on. This is probably the hardest thing you will ever endure in your life. Some days, it seems we don't have the strength, but somehow we awaken to the next day and we keep plugging along.

you guys are wonderful. lots of good advice. some i may not want to admit but what i know is true. a couple weeks ago he told me it was best we not see each other again, that hurt so bad and i cried alot. then a week later he calls after i am over the initial shock of rejection so to speak. he said he missed me and i met him that night. Now i am back in the same situaion, god help me say no if he calls again. I have begun to see a counselor so maybe she can help me also, along with all you wonderful people. i can honestly say i dont know what drew me to the OM, it started with when he called my husband and i answered the phone, he called me beautiful etc,all the things a woman likes to hear. when my husband and i had a fight i called him and asked him to meet me to maybe i could get a mans opinion on things. i had no intition of it going as far as a affair. thank you all again.. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

You have a wonderful life and a husband who treats you well but you cannot stop having sex with a young man 14 years younger than you. How would you feel if you found out that your husband has been having a sexual affair with a very young woman who was also a good friend of yours. He would like to stop but he just cannot. You are disrespecting and humilating a husband who treats you very well and seem to be willing to destroy your family by having sex with this young friend of your husbands. Are you at least practicing safe sex or are you putting your husband's health at risk also. I know this sounds harsh but what would you think of your husband if he was doing all of these things to you? Are these the morals and values you wish to teach your wonderful kids?
I certainly hope not. I suppose you could be honest and come clean with your husband. What would you want your husband to do if the roles were reversed?

i never thought i would be in this situation and if i could go back two months i would do things so very different. you are so right, i am disrespecting my husband, how can i think of destroying 17 years of marriage for what? Nothing is what i would have, this OM has nothing that he could give me and would probably not even be there for me in the end. I have chosen to end this, i love my husband and have have started counseling on my own. i dont know why i went this route, it is only causing me hurt and i know if would devestate my husband. I was shopping today and had to rush out of the store in tears. i am so torn up inside. thank you for your honest and frank opinion.

You sound like a very good person and I want to wish you the best of luck. I know I was very harsh but it was only meant to be a reality check.
I really feel that if people are forced to be brutally honest with themselves then many times they will see the light. My comments were meant in that sense.
I was always brought up to think that before I did something I was unsure of doing; I would ask myself how I would feel if the roles were reversed. It is clear that you do not wish to humiliate and devastate your husband anymore. It sounds like this OM was into this for his own selfish reasons. Ask yourself what kind of a friend is this OM that would be willing to destroy a friend's 17 year marriage in which he loves his wife and has 4 children. He sounds like a real slime to me.
I know you will be find because it is clear you have a conscience and still love your husband and your family. I am glad that you are in counseling.
Down the road I believe you will have to eventually be honest with your husband in order for you to have a truly honest and loving relationship again. You husband deserves the trust as I expect that you would feel the same if the roles were reversed. By the way, your husband also deserves to know that this OM is no friend of
his.
I know you will not let yourself get sucked into
this mess again and be used by this OM again. Look at your husband and say to yourself this was
the man that married me for 17 years and is the
father to your four children. He made the commitment to you now you need to make back the commitment and be honest with each other again.
I again wish you luck and I know that you can do this.

bryanp, are you a male? you have such wonderful insight on all of this for me. it is so hard to fight the urge to pick up the phone and call the OM. i found myself with the phone in my hand last night...i didnt follow through but the intent was there. i dont know why. i did what you said and looked at my husband last night, asked him to hug me tight and told him i loved him so much. he has always been there for me thru the good and the bad. He will do anything he can to make me happy so how could i betray him like this? If i could only tell you what he has done for me this past year or so, he is unbelievable and i truly believe he lives to see that i am happy. In a sense i think i was flattered that a younger man found me attractive, i dont know, but like you say, he was probably in it for his own selfish reasons. After all, he told me a couple weeks ago we better stop seeing each other, it hurt, but i was starting to feel better , then he calls me at work, and i let my guard down and met him after work, he calls me for a few days, then repeats that we shoudnt see each other , then the pain and hurt starts over. i left a message on his phone mail to not call me in a week or so when he so to speak starts missing me... i hope god is with me if he does and makes me strong to say no. the stress of it is starting to show at home, i know. please pray for me ..... your advice has been a godsend, no matter how harsh.

Confused you are doing great and I am really proud of you. I am a male college professor that has personally dealt with these issues in addition to being a counselor.
You are to be commended for being honest with yourself. Of course you are going to be tempted at times to rekindle the connection. I would think that after 17 years of marriage the thrill of an adventure with a younger man who wants you is a tremendous ego boost. True love is a person who above all desires to make you happy and be a person you can always depend on which sounds exactly like your husband.
I really think the key is communication with your husband. Be open and tell him of your needs for admiration and communication. He is probably a typical male who may believe that actions speaks louder than words but so often women need those words. You need to change the dynamics of your relationship. Something was terribly wrong whether you wish to admit or not that would have allowed you to engage in this affair. I urge you very strongly to get both of you into marriage counseling at once. Tell your husband to do it for you because you feel you need it.<p>I predict the OM will not walk away. I am guessing (but I may be wrong) that your sex life with your husband has become stale and you wish the romance to come back into play. It can be done and it is a lot easier to do when you know your partner is someone who truly loves you. There is nothing special about being used by another person for their pleasure and being forced to be a liar and a cheater to the person who adores and respects you. This OM neither respects you or himself. A man who loves you would never try to turn you into somebody that makes you sick when you look into the mirror. The fact that you had to run out of the store crying is your inner voice telling you how wrong you were.
The next time you have an urge to connect with the OM (and you will from time to time) close your eyes and imagine your husband sitting on a chair crying with tears streaming down his face looking at you with the worst saddness you have ever seen knowing his heart is broken because he just found out. At the same time imagine your children asking you "Mommy why is daddy crying"? I hope this exercise may be of help. I know you can beat this addiction you have for the OM. Remember you have everything to gain and everything to lose.
I wish you luck.

confused,
Your story and mine are exactly the same in so many ways and Bryan has made some great comments here. But...<p>I don't think you strayed because of sexual 'boredom'...rather I think it was more like romantic boredom. So often we stop saying I love you...you look beautiful...hey, gorgeous...and even naughty things to each other to keep the fire alive. I try everyday to say something romantic to my h...you look sexy... mmmm, you smell good (after he shaves)...I like your butt. We also do try to keep the sex stuff spicy as well.<p>You can keep your marriage alive but it takes work. Like a garden, it must be tended carefully for it to bloom---you can't just let it run to weeds. I think it would help immensely if you did the emotional needs quiz from this site...it may help you figure out what needs you have that aren't being met. <p>And you look forward to seeing/talking to om because everyone loves to be flattered and desired. But you can get that back with your husband. It just takes work.<p>Take care. Please email if you would like to talk more.<p>-------------------------------------------------
franklymydear59@yahoo.om

bryanp, just an update, counseling is going well, she has given me alot to think about. I love my husband and am trying so very hard to bring back what has been missing for so long. I have started giving him a hug and kiss when he comes home and making sure i look into his eyes when i tell him i love him. so many times we tell each other we love one another in passing. I can honestly say that this is exilerating when i look into his eyes while saying this. i can see what it was that i feel in love with 17 years ago. He can see i change i know, but all i see is a smile, and that brings that feeling back i had when we first met. For a man who would do move heaven and earth for me and his children, what more could i want or need. This past couple months has been a real awakening to what is important in my life...my husband and children, they are why i am what i am today. thank you so very much for giving me a reality check!!!! may god bless you over and over [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I am glad that you are getting better. You certainly seem to be doing the right things. You are going to counseling and making a true effort to fall back into love once again strongly with your husband. Your husband sounds like such a good man. I am pleased that you are allowing his love to flow over you.<p>I do have a question for you. Have you discussed with your counselor the appropriateness of coming clean with your husband. I ask them because I am worried that either A)your husband down the line finds out somehow; B) the OM one day tells your husband out of anger; C) our of weakness you fall back into the affair or D)the guilt slowly eats away at you. I just think in the long run it will be very difficult for you to have a truly healthy, open and honest marriage with you keeping this secret since your husband has a right to know.
I have seen it time and again how secrets come back to haunt you when you least suspect it. I really think the only way to make amends is to be honest with your husband or otherwish the foundation of your marriage is based on deceit. I hope you consider what I have written because I would like you to have a full, honest and loving relationship with your husband for the rest of your life. I wish you the best.

I have just read your other post in which you stated that the OM has been living with his girlfriend also and he has been fighting with her a great deal. I will guarantee you this. If he breaks up with her and she finds out which is likely; then she will immediately go to your husband and inform him of your affair out of revenge. You are really playing with fire. If your husband finds out from you it is a totally different situation than if someone else tells him out of spite. I really believe you are making a hugh mistake. I believe it will be just a matter of time before something goes wrong.

Bryanp,
I just read some of your posts and really agreed with them. I have been married (and still am married) to a wonderful man for 21 years and we have two teenage sons.<p>A couple of years ago, when our marriage was at an all time low, I fell in love with a man at work. And although we never touched, I have been trying for nearly 9 months to get him out of my life, I even changed jobs almost a year ago, with the hope that out of sight out of mind… I'm getting there but it is really hard, and has taken much more effort, self-discipline, and control than I ever dreamed (and we didn't touch!) I haven't been in touch with him since Jan., but more often than I'd like, I am overwhelmed with the need and desire to connect with him… Today is one of those days. So I really appreciated your comments regarding, when you feel like connecting with him, think about your husband, with tears running down his face, and your children wondering why he's crying. That pretty much threw cold water on my selfish desire to reach out to the OM. Thanks.
Ashirley

you have certainly given me lots to think about. my counselor said that i have alot to think about before i make any confessions. i agree with you that in order to have a healthy marriage, then everything has to come out in the open. right now i am so mixed up i am afraid i will make the wrong decision then regret it for the rest of my life. if i were to tell my husband and he would get upset and leave me, i am in no position to raise my kids on my own. i have so much to lose, how could i have been so quick to lose my judgment by getting involed with this man? i am also afraid of what my husband might do to this man if he knew.

To Ashirley: I am pleased I was of some help to you.
To Confused:
I know it is a very difficult time for you. You said that you are worried that your husband would do major harm to the OM. This is a concern but also another reason for you to tell him and not to let someone else tell him. If you tell him you can put it in such a way that you will be able to control his emotions somewhat. If someone else tells him in a very mean way that he is much more likely to go crazy. This is something to think about.<p>Do you have a pastor or a religious person that could be with the two of you when you tell him. He could tell your husband that marriages can survive and thrive in overcoming these problems. I do not think your husband will leave you if you show true
remorse and honesty in your love for him. Most of the men I have dealt with who left their wifes was not totally due to the wife's affairs. It was that they continued to lie and did not come forward with the truth and they found out by themselves. I am convinced that most of them would have tried to work on the marriage except for the continued lies. I continue to wish you the best and hope you may have love and a healthy marriage.

bryanp, i know you recommend telling my husband, but what if the OM decides that having no contact with me or my husband is best. we were only together sexually a few times, starting in January, he was always worried someone would see us, always causious. By talking with him before any of this happened, he doesnt seem to be a vindictive person. i honestly think he is afraid of my husband, there is a 17 year age differnece, maybe my husband is more of a father figure than friend, and it scares him. Things are going good with my husband right now and i dont know what telling him the truth would do to our marriage.

Hello Confused,<p>I understand that right now your marriage is better and you do not wish to rock the boat since you feel the OM will not tell since he is not vindictive. My response is that you do not have a crystal ball. You have no idea what may or may not happen in the future. Is it possible that
1) the OM leaves and decides to leave a message for your husband;
2) the girlfriend of the OM gets into an argument and finds out and confronts your husband; or
3) something unexpected happens and your husband somehow finds out.
The fact that your marriage is going well is the perfect time to become honest with him. The bottom line Confused is that you are still disrespecting your husband by keeping this information from him.
You made a committment to him and you broke it and he deserves to know. By continuing to withhold this information you are continuing to lie to him.
In the future how can you feel good about your wedding anniversaries? If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you wish to have this information. It is impossible for your marriage ever to be complete while you maintain this lie. You will never be able to be completely honest and open with your husband now and in the future. By keeping your husband in the dark; you will never be able to achieve the closeness with him that you desire.<p>I undestand you feel you are at great risk now but it seems to me that basically you do not have the faith in your love for your husband; you do not have the faith in your husband and you do not have faith in your marriage. You have a cancer right now in your marriage and it will grow and destroy the entire marriage in the long run if you do not cut it out. I know you are scared but if you really truly love your husband then you will show him the honor and respect that he deserves by being honest with him.