Confused,
I'm not a counselor, but I would tend to agree with you. You know your H best of all, you know how he'd react under different scenarios. Perhaps in an ideal world you'd tell your H now; but it's not an ideal world and I'd think you'd be the best judge of when the appropriate timing might be. I'd try to put your affair behind you and move on...but I'm not a counselor, it's just my gut reaction.

thank you ashirley, i just dont know what i am going to do right now. i am doing alot of soul searching right now. i still cant believe i would do this to the man i love. i wish the answers would somehow magically appear to show me the right way. on one hand if i tell him, he will not trust me for a long time, how are we to rebuild on that. isnt marriage built on trust? i know i have destroyed that, but i hope i can put it behind me. if i have learned anything, it is how much my husband means to me and to stray away from our marriage is not the right answer

Confused,
P.S. One more thing, it's been 9 months since I saw my "friend" on a regular basis, six weeks since we decided had to quit all contact, and I still yearn to connect with him ALL THE TIME. What's even more depressing is we never even touched. This is all to say, you will be hurting for a long time. Sorry. If I can help and or commeiserrate...let me know.

Confused,
One more thing. You need to be strong...but so does OM. You need to tell him to never contact you again. And you shouldn't contact him unless you are willing to leave your marriage. I told my self that I wouldn't have a sexual affair, and if I wanted that, I had to leave my husband first. I even told OM that I would leave my H (of 21 years and 2 sons!) if we had any chance. Thank god, the OM had more sense than I did, and was more committed to his relationship then I was at that moment.
I actually don't think I would have been able to leave my husband and sons, but it sure was scary thinking that I actually might do that. <p>My H has no idea that I came that close to leaving him; and no I wasn't truthful...I think that there is a grey area and sometimes being 100% graphically truthful isn't the best thing.

i still feel the need to connect with him for some reason at times. other times i feel very strong about moving on. each time i feel the need to call him i look around and see what all i have have to lose. When my little boys look at me and tell me they love me or my two teenagers ask to borrow the car. i have worked so hard in this past 17 years so i know if i connect with the OM i rish losing it all, and for what? he cant offer me anything. he is just a kid, but one who pushed all the right buttons.

Confused/Ashirley,
When I first came here 5 months ago, my H knew about my affair. But he did not know the details and I was afraid to tell. But knew that I could not feel good about my marriage until I came completely clean. My H even told me that if I did anything else besides kiss the OM that would be it! It scared me to death. But it was eating me alive. There was more than kissing...way more. So I came here. And the advice that I received was the same that you are getting, Confused. So I did it. And believe me, it was the best thing that I ever did. I have nothing to hide now. And I know that I am forgiven. Confused, it might be best for you to tell. I would have not been able to end things had I not told my H. The temptation would have been too great for me. Besides, when you come clean, you and your H can work together on what is wrong with your marriage. I think it would be impossible to do it on your own. He deserves to know. <p>I hope this helps. I know it is scary. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. But once it's done, you can move forward.<p>Please, let me know if I can help. I have been in your shoes and it really can get better. Email if you like. candh@mjt.net.
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Confused,
I can really identify with your inner conflict. I just don't understand how on a rational level we know we have so much; that we will be happiest with our H's; that we actually want to be with our H's in a happy marriage; yet our hearts play these horrible games with us...tempting us...I just don't get it. I have felt tortured for two freaking years...the struggle between mind and heart has been so incredibly hard ..I just don't UNDERSTAND. Why do I allow myself to perpetuate this stupid, futile, fantasy? My husband is great. We love each, get a long great, I respect him, he's really smart, he adores me, he makes me laugh, he tells me I gorgeous, etc.,etc...Why do I even think about this other man?? Am I just saddistic?
Sorry I've ranted...I just don't understand our hearts and minds and how they can be so out of sync.

i dont know ashirley, i know my mind is playing games with me. it has been two days since the OM has contacted me, i think what scared him is when i told him i was starting to have some feelings for him. BAMM, that is when he said we should end things. so there is my answer. i dont know why i was feeling anything, it wasnt love, it was just something new i guess. But the feeling of rejection is a hard thing to accept. i think that is what bothers me more than ending any contact with him. email me if you like,, balll@iowatelecom.net

Confused,
I know what you mean about rejection. With all that I've already said, I love my husband, I want to stay married, etc…there is/was a part of me that wanted this man to fall in love with me. I just adore him, and I think I'm a pretty good catch, etc. Even though I don't think I'd leave my H, I still wanted this man to fall just as in love with me as I was with him…sick. Thank god he didn't. It would make things that more complicated. He's older than I am.. and much wiser. But still, it stings…but I can deal. Luckily, I never fell out of love with my H…and love him more than ever.. but it's still really hard for me. ashirley1@hotmail.com. (I'm really not a horrible, manipulative person, but it sure sounds that way!)

Please let your husband know. I found out long afterward and it was horrible. Realizing all of the lies, betrayal, having sex after being exposed to the threat of stds, etc. It is MUCH harder finding out later. If he decides to leave, that is his choice. Hopefully you can both go to counseling and make things work. Good luck.

as much as i hate to admit, I broke down and saw the other man again. i hate myself so much. Today he told me that his girlfriend is having a baby in august. he is very unsure and unhappy about this. could this be his payback for all this i wonder? one good thing, this has made the answer clear to me, it is OVER!!! So i guess it is a good thing for me that this happened...It still hurt alot when he told me, but i held back and just told him congratulations.

confused,<p>Now you know the other reason to tell your H. He will help you break this cycle. You cannot and neither can your OM, although he is going to become a father.<p>Confused, listen to ashirlye(sp) she has been 2 years of hell because she hasn't told. The strain is affecting her even if she doesn't see it, and that means it affects her marriage. Her husband is losing out, and I will bet he senses it.<p>Your H will or probably already senses that you are not there for him. Your guilt will see to that. It is time to seek counseling and discuss how you are going to tell your H. IF you don't tell him you will lose your marriage. <p>It may not happen formally, but it will happen just the same, as you put up walls to protect your lies, you will isolate your H from you.<p>It is time you faced the music Confused, it is time you let your H help you heal and you help him. It is tough, but my bet is that he will hang in there for you, which is more than OM is likely to do with his pregnant girl friend or you.<p>Think about it.<p>God Bless,<p>JL