Hi!<p>As some of you know, I'm in the process of working my way into Plan B. It's been 6 months of fence-sitting. I'm absolutely convinced I'm an attractive option when her A has died, so I have no reason to stay any longer and continue to lose love.<p>Anyhow, I've posted my Plan B letter, and the input has been great. Now I'd like to post 2 other letters. These are for our families. The first is for my in-laws, the second is for my parents. (Reminder: neither knows about this yet!!)<p>Thoughts? They'd go out shortly after I leave.<p>---------------
Dear Mom & Dad,<p>I understand that by now Connie has spoken to you about our situation. I feel like I need to say a few things to help you understand my position, even though it’s very hard for me to say anything right now.<p>First, you have to know that I love Connie dearly – it appears that we’ve made mistakes towards each other, and for that, both Connie and I have been suffering a great deal for the past few months. We’ve put on brave faces, not knowing what direction Connie would go with her decisions – we didn’t want to involve anyone if we felt that things would resolve themselves.<p>Sadly, I came to realize that our situation would not just resolve itself. I’ve been in a great deal of pain through this time, and I felt that if I wanted to maintain my love for Connie, I would have to leave our home and give her a chance to think about what she wants for her future. I’ve clearly let her know that I’m ready to work on our marriage, regardless of the hard work involved.<p>I know your gut reaction might be to apply pressure to Connie to make her want to work on our relationship. Please resist as much as you can and simply offer her your support, to help her stay sane. She’s been suffering so much recently, and sadly, there’s not much I’ve been able to do to comfort her.<p>So guys, I don’t know how this will turn out, but please know that I love you very much and that I’m so very sorry for my portion of the pain that’s being inflicted on everyone. I’ve learned much about myself recently – how strong of a person I can be, even though some days are tougher than others. I don’t know exactly what I will be doing in the next while – may come home for a bit – may travel a bit – I just don’t know. Connie and I have agreed to use a common friend as an intermediary for communication – I requested this, again to protect my love for Connie, since continued contact has become increasingly painful for me. I’ve told Connie that we can’t have any contact until she’s prepared to make some very serious changes in her life. I hope you can understand and be supportive of us through these hard, hard times.<p>Love
J.R.
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Dear Mom and Dad,<p>You must be surprised to be getting a letter from me! Normally, I would call and talk on the phone, but I think I need a bit of time alone before attempting that.<p>I know this must come as a shock for you two, but Connie and I are going to be spending some time apart. I don’t want to get into great detail right now – because if things go as I expect, we’ll be back together, we’ll need nothing but support, and rehashing the past will only hinder it. But trust me – I have my reasons for taking the initiative to go. You know me, guys – I take marriage as a sacred covenant, and I don’t do this lightly. I do it to protect my love for Connie, as this is something that hasn’t occurred overnight. In fact, it’s roots go back over 6 months. (As you might have suspected when we were at home over the holidays.)<p>So I have had some time in this – I’m not broken, weeping, or in constant pain (well, I am in pain, yes, but I’m learning to deal with it). I’ve had an opportunity to grow a lot as a person, and this time apart for us will definitely allow me to continue to grow, and I hope the same can be true for Connie. We’ve spent a lot of money on counseling, but the problem isn’t going to be actually solved by anyone in this world other than Connie. I’ve come to accept that I have no control over anyone but myself – and that’s been a hard lesson to learn. Also, I do have a plan and have been following it diligently. It’s a plan focused on me, making me better, making me healthy, and getting me ready to welcome Connie back.<p>Rest assured, that as things go on, I’ll provide additional information as I see fit. Just let me be the one to do that on my own schedule. I’m in no rush here – I’m extremely well versed in the psychology of what’s happening, and as I implied above, I’m very confident we’ll be back together relatively soon.<p>I’ll provide my new address and phone number for you as soon as I can. I’ll give you a phone call when I’m ready to talk again.<p>Please don’t be too upset, okay? I realize this seems like the worst news possible, but in the long run, it will result in something better for everyone – trust me. I’ve sent a similar message to (in-laws) by e-mail, so they have likely had this news before you – I’m sorry about that – I would like to have said this on the phone, but I just can’t right now. Not out of shame, but out of general pain. No, I feel like I’ve been doing the right things the past while to position us for a better life. But the ball isn’t in my court. I hope you guys can support me as we wait.<p>Love,
J.R.

JR,<p>Of the two letters I liked the first one better. The second one sounds a bit like seeking sympathy, and bet more blaming. All in all though, I think the letters are a good idea and hopefully both sets of parents can help, if by doing nothing else staying out of it.<p>I might suggest that you tell your W that you have sent the letters once you have. That way she has a heads up if / when they call.<p>Sounds like you are ready to move to Plan B JR. I wish you the best, but it does sound as if you are ready. I trust you are happy with your Plan A efforts. If so, then let it rip. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless,<p>JL

Thank you JL...<p>You've provided some sound, balanced advice at times when I thought the world was completely unsound and unbalanced.<p>And thanks to everyone else too.<p>I've got a bit more work to do, leading up to it. I'm talking to IC/MC on Monday and Steve on Tuesday. I'll take it from there. WW came back from her trip yesterday, and I treated her well - behaving as the treasured best friend she's been for 13 years (tearing up now...). But that was then... and this is now... we can't go on like this... and I'm not going to force an ultimatum... she simply needs to decide on her own, in her own time, alone. And whatever happens - I can accept it. I'm ready.

JR,<p>Do you really need to send these letters? I'm worried that this will bother your W, that she will feel you are undercutting her, telling "your side" before she gets a chance to tell "her side", especially in regard to her parents.<p>I remember my dilemma during the separation phase of my first M and trying to send Christmas cards to the people I'd always sent Xmas cards to. I felt some need to write a little note of explanation as to why my H's name was not included with mine and the kids and tried to be as nonblaming as possible. It didn't matter. After he was contacted by one or more of them, he threw a royal fit at me for blabbing "his" business.<p>I would proceed with caution about this and only answer questions when asked, and it would probably be best to refer anyone from her family to her should they have any questions. In no case is the blood is thicker than water phrase more true than in marital disputes.<p>In my case, my family has known everything since my H left back in September. He wanted to return after six days, but by that time I had already called my family for help since I didn't know what was going to happen and I had no money and no job.<p>He is still angry that I dared to tell them he left me here with no money, even though that is exactly what he did. His claim is that I was supposed to KNOW that he would take care of me and the kids. Duh, HE knows I've been through this before with first H and having to feed my kids with whatever I could find at the back of the kitchen cupboards while waiting for the court date and a support order. I'm not about to trust my children's and my well-being to ANY walk-away husband.<p>His family has no idea what is going on, and I hate being around them because of that. I feel like I'm an accessory to doing to them what was done to me. But I think it is his place to confide in his family. They are his support system, not mine.<p>I know everyone's situation is different and relationships with in-laws vary, but I would tread very cautiously, especially when it comes to her family.<p>Maybe you could keep it short and simple with just the basics: We have been having marital difficulties for several months and find that separation is appropriate at this time. I love Connie very much, and my hope is that we will be able to resolve our differences and rebuild our M. I request that you trust our judgment and allow us to address our marital issues privately. Thank you very much for your love, understanding, and patience during this challenging stage of our marriage.<p>You may even want to include them with your Plan B letter to her requesting her input and approval before sending them (kind of setting the example for the no-contact letter you hope she writes someday).<p>[ February 22, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Conqueror: I'm worried that this will bother your W, that she will feel you are undercutting her, telling "your side" before she gets a chance to tell "her side", especially in regard to her parents.<p>J.R.: Hmmm... well, she's feeling incredibly guilty about this whole thing, and a part of me suspects she'd just love to NOT tell her parents anything!! (I had a friend whose WW left to live with his BF and she didn't tell her parents for months [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] !!) I state in my Plan B letter that this correspondence is pending for her family, and that she should talk to them before that (is implied). She might take it as a LB, but with showing her the text beforehand like you suggest later, I don't think she'll have much ground to complain. (And if she does, I'll be gone anyway....)<p>Part of my basis is the thought that I have a need to be clear to her parents that I'm not punishing her - I'm protecting my love for her. That concept is important for her to "get", and for them to "get" too, I think.<p>Back to the story of my friend. His FIL called him regularly while WW was off living with OM. He kept giving him excuses, on the assumption that he thought it should be WW's responsibility to come clean with her parents. Well, eventually it just became ridiculous and my friend said, "Dad, I don't know how to tell you this, but (WW) doesn't live here anymore. She's living with my friend." [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Can you believe it? (FIL was very, very supportive after that - kept calling him weekly!)<p>Conqueror: I know everyone's situation is different and relationships with in-laws vary, but I would tread very cautiously, especially when it comes to her family.<p>J.R.: Just knowing what I know, this may prove important for me. I know they'll be shocked, and with a possibly simpler version of this, it may at least provide some clarity from my angle. (That I'm not abandoning WW out of maliciousness. They see me as her protector, so my leaving would be rather hard to understand. I certainly don't want them to think I'm a WS with no love for her.)<p>Conqueror: You may even want to include them with your Plan B letter to her requesting her input and approval before sending them (kind of setting the example for the no-contact letter you hope she writes someday).<p>J.R.: Absolutely! I was thinking of this.<p>Thanks!