Tonight my H came over to talk about my filing for divorce. He said that he was miserable and wanted to come home. He told me he felt terrible for the pain he had caused and he missed the kids..and added me as an after thought. While we were talking, there was a knock at the back door (the one that leads to the OW's house). It was her...she needed to see H. H went out to talk to her, shut the door. Then there was another knock so I went to the door and hse was there again and my H was gone. She told me she needed to talk to me and wanted to tell me the truth about everything. She told me the she was having an affair...it had nothing to do with me....that both her and my H loved me and felt guilty the whole time. H wanted to come home because he couldn't live with the guilt anymore. Her children knew they are having an A because "they sleep together, so obviously they know". After about 10 minutes of her going on and on, I told her I had heard enough and I wanted her to leave. so as she is leaving, she says "please call me anytime you want to talk. I will tell you anything you want to know". My H never came back. I knew in my head that they were having an A, but my heart now knows it and it is devasting. Divorce papers are going to be served on Monday. I am hoping to be able to put our house on the market soon so I can move away from here. This is the worst nightmare you could ever imagine. Sorry this is so long, but I had to get it all out. there is a lot more I could have written, but this is the jist of what happened tonight.
BH

Hi, <p>Just wanted to let you know that I have read your story and understand your shock and pain. The truth is always hard to know. What you will find is that unlike assumption, truth is easier to recover from. <p>Allow time to assimulate this info. The guilt part is something your H will have to deal with. Is he aware of your D papers? <p>This would be a good time to speak with Steve or Jennifer if you have not already. Also, if you are willing to discuss reconciliation consider the method. Plan B is still an option for you. Quick decisions are not required on your part. <p>Take Care,
L.

Hi Orchid. Yes he does know about the D papers. That is what percipitated tonights talk. He has been unwilling or unable to talk about "us" since we separated in Oct. Too many lies and too many sneaky deceitful things have happened. You are right...I don't have to make a hasty decision and I will think about everything tomorrow. I will put things into perspective and weight everything out. I am not going to stop the papers from being served, but I also won't shut the door forever. I have been in Plan A for a while now and know it is time for Plan B. Thanks for your input L. I always appreciate your words of encouragement.
BH

My heart goes out to you because of the anguish that is in your heart tonight. Well, at least now you know from them what you knew all along.
Your M is not over because of this. Take your time. Even though the D papers will have been served, it is not necessary to carry through on the D. I think that you are seeing the beginning of the death of their A. It will now be up to you to decide where to go from here. Be aware that you are in a big emotional valley right now. Don't make any big decisions for awhile, not until you recover from this shock. Your H is probably a majorly messed up man this evening. It's sad that they drift along in their dense little fog, thinking of now one but themselves, until they get a dose of reality. You can still save your M!!! Be patient, don't take drastic action. You now have reason to hope that H will be repentent. My son's D has been on hold since last April, and they aren't going anywhere with in anytime soon. Get ready to set your boundaries as to what you expect from him, and (if it's what your want) let WH know that you will provide a safe place to discuss recovery IF he is truly sorry. But let him earn his way back!<p>Wishing you well,
Estes

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. It is always such a shock! The pain seems overwhelming. Please give it some time...you will definitely need for your head to clear a bit before making any major decisions.<p>Just wanted to let you know that I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling....take care. Pat

The nature of friendship is forever changed at the first intimate conversation they allowed themselves to have with their friend's husband. <p>Dear Brokenhearted, Please don't allow this woman to ease her conscience by confessing to you. Your role is not to make her feel better. Your role is not to hear her excuses. And you don't have to answer the door to her. <p>Your only role now is to protect what's left of your heart, so that you can have some kind of sane relationship for the sake of your children. The better you are able to keep your head through this, the more likely the results will be to your liking. If I were in your place - the first thing I would do: Get to Home Depot and purchase a peep hole and have it installed so that you don't have to answer the door not knowing who is there. Kind of like "Caller I.D."<p>I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

Thanks everyone for the support and encouragement. I finally fell asleep around 5:00 and now off to work. I really like the idea about the peep hole Kayla! Estes...you are so wise. I will try to keep your words in mind over the next few days while I am getting my emotions in check. MIM..it is devasting to hear the truth, even though deep down I knew it, there was always that glimmer of hope that it wasn't true. (by the way..my name is Pat too!!)
Thanks again.
BH

I am so sorry for the pain that you are feeling right now. But way to look at this visit from you neighbor is that it is out in the open now. You know for sure what you are dealing with, but in addition to that you got some valuable information at the same time. <p>I could be way off base, but I don't think so. Here are some things that I saw in your post. Stop and look at what happened here. He came to you to ask to come home. Right now the reasons are not important. He asked! Who cares if it is to be with the kids. That is a reason that a lot of people use to try again, but you know the MB concepts, it is the renewed love for you once the love bank start filling again that will keep them there. Take any opportunity given to you. <p>Next there is the knock at the door and it is her. She talks to him alone and then sends him home and returns to talk to you. I see definate control here. She was afraid of what he might be saying to you, so she needed to take over. While the fog is thick he can not see this, but let the fog lift a little and this will become obvious to him over time. The way I see it she is controlling him and she is keeping him from coming home. And she is keeping him from being with his kids. <p>Move as fast as you can. Don't keep him from seeing the kids and don't make it really hard for him to see them, but make him have to work harder than walking across the back yard. If you move and he has to make a real effort to see his kids that will take time away from her and she can not just run over a fetch him when she does not like that he has been gone too long. It will cause problems with them. That can really work to your advantage. She will be the reason that he can not spend as much time with the kids. <p>Just some thoughts. I will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there.

I totally agree with the other posters here. I read your post last night but didn't get a chance to respond...but what I "heard" loud and clear was the death rattle of the affair. H isn't happily wrapped up in love...he's miserable wrapped up in guilt. He's confused...but given time things will begin to come clear. Your darn tootin she'll try to control him, and it's the absolute worst thing she could do...it will backfire big time. And add to that her guilt...and they'll be at each others throats in no time. It really is a sad thing how clueless we can be during an affair. Your situation just shows me how closely I came to doing practically the same thing...and I truly believed in the end everyone would be happy for us. !?!?!? Anyway, death rattle or not your H has issues that led him to the A in the first place...personally I wouldn't open the door back to him until I saw ACTION, not just words, that he was dealing with those issues. And, of course, I would want definate ACTION to show the affair is OVER...which would definatly mean MOVING OUT OF NEXT DOOR...duh. LOL! I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I hope things start getting better for you.

I am so sorry for the things you are being put through. {{{{hugs}}}}<p>Yep to what the others said. And more...<p>She treated him like a child, he will grow to resent this. Just let him know that know that you are interested in repair your marriage but only if he gives it his all. In the mean time, Plan A him when he's around and start moving on with your life. Let him chase you to win you back.<p>As for your neighbor... if she ever tries to talk to you again, just send her packing. <p>Wonder how bad she would love bust if you were to call your H at her house and be as sweet as can be to him... Plan A him. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Just an evil thought.<p>[ February 22, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Thanks for the great responses everyone. On one hand I can see what you are saying. On the other hand, I see it as him trying to manipulate me into stopping the divorce. If I didn't tell him about filing, would he have come to this enlightenment?? Julie told me that up until yesterday everything between them was just wonderful and then all of a sudden he said "he was full of guilt and remorse"...funny that those feelings came about just when he found out I had filed. You see my husband is very "frugal" and I feel that he fears the thought of sharing his money with me and then trying to share the rest of him with Julie. Maybe I am way off base, but so far every single instinct I have had has been right. Today I asked him if it was over between them and he told me that "he has nowhere else to go" (even though he told me yesterday that his brother would let him live at his house). Excuse??? or convenience???? I guess I need to get some sleep and get my thoughts and feelings together. I hope I can sleep tonight. Thanks for listening (or reading) You guys are the best.
BH

Dear Brokenhearted..<p>I had been thinking about you and then had a couple of twelve hour shifts at work where I can read but not post....ughhh<p>peace to you and your home...
I laughed out loud at Julie's line of crap to you...that up until yesterday everything was just wonderful between...what a bucket full of fog that is...gag me...and you get much credit for not wacking her with the frying pan at "their affair has nothing to do with you"...even though it's a major major lb..one can always visualize it...tell her to hit the bricks...
Hold your head high...be proud of what you will not sink to...
change the locks...play music your husband likes real loud with the windows open and dance your heart out...
this isn't over..this guy hasn't even begun to acknowledge his responsibility...and the fact that she fetches him like a run away two year old...will soon get old for him...<p>Be good to you...
Ark..who still offers to bring over a load of manure and accidently deliver it her front yard...

Oh Ark...thanks so much for that..you made me smile!! I tell so many people about the manure suggestion! Right now, I feel that the two of them deserve each other. They are both full of crap and wouldn't know the truth if it bit them in the a**. I feel so bad for the kids, both hers and mine. I asked her if her kids knew about the affair and she said "well, seeing that we are sleeping in the same bed, I guess the do". Can you imagine how screwed up these kids are going to be? Well, anyway, thanks for the laugh. You are too funny!!
BH

I am very happy for you... I know it is hard to forgive. but this is very very good sign... you are a strong woman and I am proud of and for you.<p>thanks for posting the news... hugs to you, and i am very happy... now you have the choice... do decide under what conditions he will come home.<p>RMM

Thanks for support Restoring!<p>Unfortuately, my H has decided that since I wouldn't allow him to move right back in (I guess he thought he could just jump right over the fence again!!) he is not moving in with his brother. He has decided to stay with her. I know I LB'd, but I couldn't help it. I told him I hope he enjoys his life with her. It looks like she got what she wanted. I wrote out a Plan B letter and will post it tonight for opinions. When I first came to this site and started reading, the phrase "roller coaster ride" was used a lot....Wow....can I relate to that right now!! As I am sure so many of you can. Thanks everyone. This has been so hard, but I know it would have been so much harder without the kindness of the people on this site. I thank God for all of you!
BH

BH: I am so sorry for your pain. In reading your early posts I felt hope for you two, but in reading your last post I'm not so sure. Bottom line it is really up to you. If you have even the slightest desire to attempt to save your marriage, then you need to talk with your husband. Explain to him that the papers are going forward right now, but if he has any desire to fix things and save the marriage he has to show it 150%, and the very first thing he needs to do is disassociate himself with her. Move in with his brother and then start working on his other issues.<p>I'm not sure what lies ahead or how much hope you may still have twinkling in your heart, but what ever road you find yoursel traveling, know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sorry I don't have much else to offer. Actually, I can offer one other thing, which may or may not apply. At first I thought it did, but when I read that he is now staying with her I feel it may not. You mentioned how he didn't feel guilt, etc. until he knew you were filing. Well, unfortunately it sometimes takes a really hard wack upside the head with reality to make us see the destructive path we are headed down. Just a thought.<p>I don't know if this will help any, but I do want you to know I am so sorry for your pain. I wish strength for you and your kids.

Hi Tutter,
I guess I felt the same way when we first started talking, that the idea of filing was like a slap in the face and it woke him up. But the more he talked, the more I realized that he was not taking responsibility or offering an apology..he just missed the "family". Now that he has decided to stay at Julie's and continue in the A, I don't have much love left. I don't feel anything. What a terrible place to be. Thanks for the kind words and support. I appreciate it.
BH