My wife had 3 PA's during our 10yrs. 2gether, one with my best friend (xfriend now), one with her highschool "sweetheart", and one with xH.
We have tried many times 2 get past this and 4 about 2 really good years I thought that this might work out 4 us as we were talking and trying really hard 2 be there 4 each other.<p> That is the background here is my question.
Should I have feelings of resentment and loathing
towards WW at this late of a date. It was 5yrs. ago yesterday 4 D-day. Ive been through every emotion there is i think and seem stuck on pain,
anger, and extreme feelings of hate(i don't want 2 hate anyone). So how do I get past this? [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

h4ltn,<p>This may not work for you as it's only my experience but I can certainly understnad what you are going through.<p>I found that when my H and I decided to work our marriage out that the anger and resentment rose from day to day....and some days it settled.
Even though I'm only 5 months into recovery I'm glad to say that my anger and resentment are gone and so are my triggers for the most part....they only last a few seconds now.
My 1 year DDay came and went and I think I handled myself quite well. Actually throughout the course of the day I think I only really thought about it for a total of about 10 minutes all day.<p>I found out early that in order to completely forgive my H and in order to really truly be in recovery that I had to let that anger and resentment go and focus my attention on something else.
I know it's easier for some and harder for some but I started focusing all the attention I was giving to anger and resentment to things that make me feel better about myself. This helped me alot...not only with getting rid of it all....but boosting my self confindence to even more than what it already was.
When I feel the anger and resentment rising I excercise....and I make it fun....I include my youngest daughters.......it certainly takes my mind off of all that. Have you ever seen a 5 and 3 yr old excercise? All the feelings I had before I started watching melt away....and I end up rolling on the floor and laughing. I think all the time I spend on the floor doubled up laughing averages out to about 50 situps....LOL<p>Anyway....everyone is different but this is what worked for me.
I had used that anger at one point to kick myself in the butt and get me going when I thought that I couldn't go on and now that I don't want that anger I use excercise to kick it in the butt.<p>I think though what helps me is that I'm one of those people that does not hold a grudge.....never been able to stay mad at anyone.
Though this is alot different from any other situation I've been in....I found that even though I thought I could never get rid of those feelings.....they were actually pretty easy to get rid of.<p>Best wishes.

Don;t forget the power of prayer! I'm not a really religious person but it's been my experience that when you come humbly to God and ask for help and guidance, you get it.

Miss Priss,
Thank you for your response. I like the way that you handled your anger. Your approach gives me a fresh new perspective on how to handle my own. <p> diddallas,
Thank you for replying. I have never been very
religious but I do believe in God and hope he helps me find the love for her again because I feel that my love bank is at $00.00 and that hurts to. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hurting, try to think about this. We're all only human and what if you had made the mistakes instead of your wife? Sometimes we repeat destructive behavior without knowing why or how to prevent it reccurence. Wouldn't you need for her to forgive you, love you and help you make changes for the future? <p>Do the Emotional Needs quiz from this site with your wife--it can be a real eye opener. She is searching for something in these a's...maybe she doesn't even know what it is. But you can help her find out and fill that need. A marriage counselor might be able to facilitate that as well.

diddallas,

Maybe a little more background. We have 4 kids,
oldest S is highschool sweethearts, MSon is xH.
Yson and daughter ours together. no way of having
"no contact". So every other weekend I get see
them smiling and talking together. Oh the convo's
are brief, but she comes away soooooooo happy
and can't/won't let me be apart of these convo's.<p> Says xH feels uncomfortable with me being there,
and "he's their child and it's not concern".
Same with sweetheart. When I've tried to calmly
explain my fears and concern I get "take it like a
real man and stop crying" or "your the one with
the problem". That is when the anger comes in
waves.<p> I'm to the point of not wanting anything more
than just being there for my children. I usually
am not a violent person, never have nor will
strike wife, but OMs are starting to look like
viable alternative to punching bag. I have already
takin that route with xfriend, but that was over
HIS betrayal of my friendship, and not a need for
revenge visited on wife. Although that is what
she believes.<p> I simply must get rid of this recurring anger.
It is crippling me. Is there such a thing as a
WAH that is the only alternative I can see right
now.<p> Again thanks to all who have replied.<p>[ February 22, 2002: Message edited by: hrtng4lngtimenow ]</p>

I'm new to this posting site also, but have spent a lot of time reading and rereading the articles on the site and three of Dr H's books. I was looking for the appropriate place to post my concerns about WS when I read your post. Your marriage is definetly more complicated with various family ties/chidren and make it difficult to have WS break all ties with OM, as suggested by Dr H, but I'm not sure you are really through the recovery stage yet. WW doesn't seem to be following the Policy of Joint Agreement or the main promise made to not be the source of the other's pain. According to Dr H, one spouse can save a marriage if he can get the other spouse to let him expose her to "The Basic Concepts" and she is willing to let you work from there. It is hard work if they don't want to help but hopefully with a lot of MB's "Plan A" you can win her over. But she does at some point have to quit hurting you- she needs to acknowledge your EN and be willing to find a mutually agreed solutions. Maybe if you can look through the web site articles again you can find the hope, encouragement, and commitment needed to help her see the need for Mutual Agreement in your marriage. Who knows she may even get curious to what you are spending time doing/reading and join in with you. (Although I am sure 4 children fill the house, making time for this is a priority for the two of you.)You might give her a copy of the books Dr H mentions after you read them or run off some of the web articles; "Emotional Needs", "Love Busters","Policy of Joint Agreement", etc. They can all be found from MB homepage and Dr H recommends it be done, especially the questionaires. Hang in there, I think the road is long and hard for all of us trying to establish new good habits. Best Wishes.

Just because she shares the parenting of two children with those two OMs doesn't mean that the Policy of Joint Agreement can't be followed. Custody and visitation issues can be handled in a business-like way and only when and what is necessary. In fact, if she made your feelings and her M a priority, she could even have an intermediary handle transfer of the children and other contact issues and never need to interact with them at all.<p>It is no mystery why you are angry and resentful. She is insensitive to your very natural and predictable feelings, and she is not following the precautions necessary to for the M to recover from her multiple affairs. In a way, those affairs are still ongoing, so it's no wonder you have lost your love for her.<p>A good place to start is with the book, Surviving An Affair. When you read the chapter about how affairs should end, it will clarify where you are. Then, you may want to talk with your W about the status of your M, being open and honest and asking for her to join you in deciding on a plan to rebuild your M. If she is uncooperative, then you can Plan A, followed by Plan B until she is ready to join you on the road to recovery.<p>I would only make this offer once though, and after everything is out on the table, if she refuses to join you in recovery efforts, then set your own course with Plan A and Plan B. Her actions so far do not communicate remorse or empathy.

h4ltn,
Yours is a very complicated situation for sure. You will eat yourself up with your anger and frustration.You must take of yourself to get a good perspective on the future and your W MUST follow. The suggestions here are very good and a counselor maybe needed to be an impartial mediator.
It takes two to work at this.
Brw

Well it happened again today, they came for the boys and she was her same old cheerful self. So
bright eyed and happy it made me sick.<p> So i'm leaving, gone, out I can't take it any
longer. I've decided to stay with brother for
awhile. She acted like a teenager with a crush.
We are 30yrs old for crying out loud! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

So now my Q is do I attempt to plan A from a
distance so I can keep my sanity? Or do I plan B
so as we might be able to function as parents should? As it stands now I don't see any chance to
ever be together again. <p> Thank you for listening.<p> P.S. I have tried to get her to fill out EN Qnaire, not happening. Am looking forward to reading SAA as it might shed some light on my
miserable existance.

I've read this thread 4 times now. For your own peace Plan B. Sounds like you've been trying plan A for long enough. You've been letting her have her cake and eat it too. Make her make a decision. But keep your lines of communication peaceful. That you love her is obvious enough. Don't let it kill you. And I'd suggest leaving SAA alone for now. That's for after reconcilliation has started. Reading it now will only add to your misery. Trust me. Been there, Done that.
But keep posting. It helps.