Posted a couple of days ago....ONE response. So thought I would try again<p>H Left Feb 1....needless to say...its MLC...he has all the signs...<p>Visited kids Monday...before that he talked with me on phone for about half an hour...(read previous post)<p>Now the kids are not doing good...I think the reality is setting in for them...My youngest wont talk about it at all. He says he is ok...but I can tell he isnt...Wondering if dad said something to him??? when they went out.
Also....oldest doesnt want anything to do with him at all....really mad.<p>I am stuck....dont want to pit them against theere dad...yet I understand how they must feel...the life they knew is never going to be the same again....<p>I try and keep busy....but even at that...I have good days and horrible days....still wonder what I did for him to leave like that.<p>any suggestions.......

Get your kids into some kind of program or counseling where they feel safe to talk about their anger, and where trusted adults can help them with tools for dealing with their emotions.<p>It helped my kids tremendously. Mine were 7 and 9 at the time, and I put them through a course offered in a local program that was intended for family building, but was geared towards crisis situations (homes with active substance abuse) like mine. I found it through the phone book. <p>My kids learned how to talk about emotions, about how no one could take away their "dignity light" and that they were special regardless of the actions of the other people in their lives. They also were taught how to journal their feelings.<p>I also had to put my oldest son into counseling and he had to go on antidepressants. He's been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and oppositional defiance. Most of it caused by huge amount of anger that he has trouble dealing with.<p>Don't be afraid to ask for help from your community. It's amazing how much help is available for your kids just for the asking.<p>And of course, the best thing of all that you can do for your kids is to take care of you. <p>I use the analogy alot with people of the airline safety guidelines. If the cabin loses pressure, we are told to put our own air mask on first, before helping our kids or others.

I jsut wanted to let you know about something that helped my kids get through all of this.<p>I had them write letters to my WH. I told them that they didn't need to send them, but could if they wanted to. My son never sent any of his, but my daughter did send one. It was a very powerful letter.<p>Writing these letters helped my kids to express their anger (and there was allot of it). On occasion, they would share there letters with me and it helped me to see how they were doing.<p>We also prayed together at least once a day. I would pray out loud and then the kids would follow. Sometimes they would say nothing about their dad and other times they would. I wanted them to know that God was there to be a Father to them even when there dad was a little lost at the time.<p>I will be praying for you and your kids!<p>Le

Has it been established that he is in an affair? If so, do your kids know, or do they just know he has left?<p>I saw on one of your posts that your youngest is 15? That is a very difficult age to go thru all this, I think. My H & his brothers were 12-16 when his dad left...they did not know at the time about the OW, but certainly had a sense something was rotten. There mom ignored the whole issue, did not talk about it, pretended all was well. I don't know what the best way is to handle it, but I know her methoid didn't work well.<p>I think BR's suggestion about a counseling program might be a good one.<p>Hang in there--<p>Kathi

Thnks everyone...for your support...<p>I suspect an affair...but cant prove it....found receipts before he left that didnt jive with where he said he was at the time....
My gut is saying that there was OW, but now dont think she is in picture....not sure why i feel this just do. Could be wrong to..she could very much be part of it.<p>Councelling is starting in a couple of weeks, the letter writing sounds like a great idea, especially if they dont have to mail them.<p>today daughter told me she had called her dad about a conference...(about her) she is in a group home as she was sexually assulted a couple of years ago and was suicidal, cutting all sorts of dangerous things...anyhow..she has made amazing progress and she should be discharged the beginning of march...there has to be a conference for discharge planning...
I personally DONT want him there...he LEFT...and I cant stand being in the same room with him exept for a couple of minutes...just too angry and hurt. This conference is at least an hour....she will be living with me...so WHAT possible input could or should he have anyhow....
Thats my emotions talking....the Logical side of me is saying that he is her dad..and has just as much right to be there if he wants as I do. she would like him there....so I guess I will have to pick up my bootstraps, and PRETEND that its ok.<p>He is supposed to call me and discuss it, but as yet havnet heard from him<p>Things that used to be so simple are now so complicated...and I am trying so hard not to have the kids in position that they have to take sides....in the big picture its really for the best that they dont...they arnt stupid and can figure a lot of things out on there own, without my two cents worth.<p>today is not a great day.....as you can tell...overburdened, lonely, angry, all sorts of things....but still hanging in there.<p>Freind who knows H and I both said be patient ...he will come back....dont really want to hear things like that...cos the reality is no one knows whats going to happen in the future....yes he could want to come back...but its also possible that I may not WANT him back after everything he has put us through.....dont know if I would ever trust him again...not the kind of trust I used to have. <p>It feels like I have a wall around me now that was never there before...oldest son (21) asked me to go out with him and a bunch of people...mixed ages him and his best freind think I need to get out and have some fun. Told him I would see. <p>What to do about the conference??? guess let daughter call it...but emotionally dont know if I can do it.

Hi,<p>This is a toughie but IMHO, I would say put the needs of your child ahead of the needs of your marriage. This conference is the your child. <p>This is hard. You anticipate that his presence will be difficult and it may be. Prepare the for the worst but in most cases the WS' is kinda chicken and may even back down. Then your daughter may get angry that her dad is not there for her but that will be his issue to resolve. <p>So for now, don't try to second guess the outcome just go prepared for the worst and you will survive it. <p>JMHO,
L.

Call the place where your daughter is receiving treatment and explain the situation and ask for their input...Her counselours will have a better idea of how much she'll be able to handle and also will be invaluable in preperation.<p>I can count on one hand the times my kids have seen their father in the past 12 years...I see daily the problems it has caused. As a mom, the best you can do is to provide as much security and love as possible. The relationship they form with their father is between him and them.<p>What have they learned in the past 12 years?<p>Drugs provide a vacation, but don't heal the pain.<p>When someone loves you they are there for you.<p>It is possible to be replaced.<p>It is ok to be angry<p>Parents sins are not the sins of the kids.<p>Good luck,
T

alienwife,<p>Don't have much time tonight seen that you think H is in MLC, someone passed this site on to me and it helped me trudge some of this.<p>http://128.121.203.65/hismidlifecrisis.html<p>Dawn<p>Hope you can get something out of this!!