Hello Friends,<p>I'll try to keep this short. :-)
W left shortly before the Holidays with no warning. I get home from work only to find a note putting all the blame on me. I never had a clue there was anything wrong. We even made love that morning before I went to work.<p>She told me she would be back in a week to get her and the kid's things. She also said she would only communicate with me via e-mail!<p>They moved to a relative's house several hours away and she did show up that next week and moved all her property out. (These were things she owned when we got married). By that time I felt so horrible and guilty for making her so miserable that I agreed to everything she asked for. I was a deer in the headlights. She didn't ask for a lot. Just one of our vehicles and a few hundred dollars to get her on her feet.<p>By then the oldest child was already enrolled in school in the other city and W was looking for an apt.<p>Just before Christmas I found a message on the answering machine after work from a woman telling me I better go into a particular internet chat room to see what was going on. I don't know who this woman was. I knew my W liked getting into those rooms when she got bored, she was a stay at home Mom.<p>After figuring out how to get into it I saw WAY too much! Needless to say she was (and still is) having a very torrid affair with OM she met in there. They bragged openly about it. I guess she figured I'd never find out because she knew I had no interest whatsoever in those chatrooms. She would have been right had I not got that message on the machine.<p>I went in there every night after that for about a month until it became too disgusting for me to watch W and OM brag about their illicit activities. They are quite proud of themselves. He's local so to see each other one of them has to travel. I confronted W about it on 1/1/02, I called her. She vehemently denied it. I told her I didn't believe her. She told me to never call her or her relatives again.<p>Two weeks later e-mailed her with the evidence that I had gathered , much from her own mouth, things she had said in that stupid chatroom. She admitted she was seeing him. She also said she would no longer communicate with me, period. She hasn't.<p>But.....I did get one more e-mail. She wants a share of a fairly substantial tax return we're due this year. She's just started a new job but it is fairly low paying. Her ex lost his job so now she gets no child support. (I'm the stepdad).
We have no kids together. <p>When she originally left I promised her I'd split it with her 50/50. Once I discovered the cheating I changed my mind. I say let the OM support her.<p>Obviously I've left many, many details out of here but I only have a half hour for lunch.<p>Should I give her anything else????<p>Any opinion is appreciated.<p>I am so glad I found MB, it's helped me a LOT!<p>Mike

Mike, <p>I don't know where you are but Texas is a community property state and she would be entitled to half. But let me also say that I think it would be the decent thing to do. <p>She earned half of that money by taking care of your home and kids. And the money will help to take care of them. <p>Be the big man here and give it to her without a fight. It really is the right thing.

go ahead and give her half and start plan a.. it may bring her home.. once she comes to her senses... be the bigger person... she has lost it, her mind that is... H

Hi, <p>These are financial questions you are asking. We are just a group of people who are going through similar and offering support. <p>What you need is to talk to a lawyer. Get with a good counselor so that you are not blindsided with any surprises or emotional turns. <p>If you can read some of the books here like surviving an affair or even have a session or 2 with Steve H or Jennifer, that would be helpful. Another good book is by Dr James Dobson "Love must be tough". <p>Your W is way way out there, unfortunately she is trying to turn all against you. You decide whether you will allow that or not. You may not know what she has told her relatives but smearing your reputation should not be something she should be allowed to get away with. <p>Another victim in all this is the child. Yes it is your stepchild and not a whole lot you can do in this situation. There are a couple other dads in the same situation. One of them is on the d/d site and 2 are here on GQII (Indy and Husband2You). All have stepchildren mixed into their situations. There may be more. <p>I see your bravery now but I also understand that you are in shock and trying to get back on your feet. Feel free to vent here as much as you need.<p>Take Care,
L.

I would also suggest that you see an attorney.<p>But my take on this is that if you are still married, and there is no separation or divorce in the works, then the tax money is a marital asset.<p>And no one needs permission to spend a marital asset. <p>So if my husband and I are married, I can spend as much money as I want. If/when we file for divorce the money is gone (spent). Its no longer an asset -- however whatever I bought with it would be considered "ours".<p>So I guess my opinion is that if you and your wife are still married, no one has filed anything, then she can't tell you what to do with the check that gets mailed to you house. I'd also advise that you protect yourself from her running up debt that you're responsible for.

Lexxy, <p>Let us remember that what is legal is not always what is right. If Mike wants to have any hope of ever rebuilding his marriage (and I think he does) then not sharing the check with her will be a major lovebuster in my book.

As I recall, the tax refund check I got during my divorce required both of our signatures on it in order to cash it, so you may have no choice about sharing it with her because she can do what I did and refuse to endorse it until you give her her share in cash up front.<p>Either way, it will still be easier to take the high road and let her have what she's asking for. At some point during my process, I quit fighting about all the property issues because I just wanted the divorce finalized, and that was my highest priority. So it may be a good sign that she's not to that point yet if she's still bickering about stuff like that. When I was totally done with him, I simply did not care anymore. It was worth any price to be rid of him.

Thank You All,
I'm sleepy, been watching the Olympic Games. Trying to get my mind off the heartache. Actually it's been getting somewhat better.
I have an urge to jump on the first woman I see. I know that's not right and haven't done that. <p>I still don't know what to do. I love my wife and could forgive anything she has done. I've apologized in every way I know how for what I have done. I have neglected her emotional needs.I know that now, since being here. Never hit her or the kids. Never had any verbal arguments, nothing like that. But yet the woman I love most in the world, and the girls are gone. <p>None of this probably makes any sense, I'm so confused.<p>I'm so confused. Lonely. Hurt. Sad.<p>Mike<p>Back to the Olympics. I refuse to be defeated!
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you for all your replies. It's been awhile I realize that.
My W's A is still going strong and I'm thinking it is over for us. I truly wish it wasn't. I made a decision regarding the tax return. I e-mailed her last night and told her I'd give her the full portion of it less $385. That was the value of a musical instrument we had leased for my SD for band. They took it with them so I had to purchase it.
In return she sent me a hateful e-mail accusing me of all kinds of crazy things. Like throwing her possessions in the trash
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] , calling her 20 times a day to check up on what she was doing [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I don't even know her number, on and on......
Then she told me she hoped I saved enough money for an attorney so we could end this marriage. In the next sentence my wife told me she wishes nothing but the best for me and wishes me nothing but happiness. I think this is the "FOG" is it not?
I'm in counseling and read this board every chance I get. It's helped me to no end [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
I'm okay but worried about my W. I think she's losing it [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
Mike