Sorry about that...got started and the family came home. I have some free time now so I'll try again to answer your questions.<p>"So you saw your H "letting go" and "getting on with life". How important was that in your mental process?"<p>Let me explain that after the tornado I tried to be there for my husband and help him get through all his emotions as best as I could. When I was ready to grieve, after I thought he could handle it..he was quite a jerk. Then, when I'd justified everything I needed and dreamed up the wonderful life that OM and I would have together...my husband pulled the "poor me" routine. First the tornado now this...poor me... He went so far as to ask if I'd still cut his hair and cook for him, if I'd help him find someone else etc... He mentioned that he still loved me, but he practically held the door open while he said it. It hurt and just made me all the madder and ready to get the he!! out. I was hurting deeply...I wanted someone to hold me and be strong for ME instead of always leaning on support FROM me. At first, that was the OM. But...just as soon as I changed my mind the first time...that started to change. And as the roller coaster progressed it got worse. Once I was out and able to deal with my emotions with some space and with the help of a counselor...I became stronger. The OM progressively became weaker...like I said, to the point of stalking me. Driving by my house to see if I was home, calling at the H's house or even some friends of ours we still hung out with and hanging up...I knew it was him. So as the cycle continued I was not only now "taking care" of my H and his feelings, but also the OM...and still trying like mad to find ME in there.<p>"How much "love busting" did OM do and how much did your H do? (Disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, etc.) How much did THAT affect you?"<p>Like I said above...the OM did plenty and it certainly added to my overload. He went from being a sweet, giving person...to being moody, selfish and immature. This also was his first relationship EVER...he'd never dated anyone before..so he was very NEW to the whole mess anyway. He would never dedicate to being IN the relationship. He totally wanted it to be MY decision...so as to free him from guilt I assume...yet he would never truly stay OUT of the relationship before it every actually ended. Had he shown more strength in that area I would have had much more respect for him. In the end, everything he tried to do to keep me, worked against him. Had he backed off from the start and not helped fuel the fire...I know I would not have left my H. He doesn't want to believe that, but it is true. He always left the door open to me. I'm not really familiar with love busting, so I'm not sure how much of that my H did. Like I said before, he played poor me which only added to my image of him being totally self centered and not really caring about me. He said stupid things like, you won't make it on your own...you just don't tell me things like that cause I'll prove you wrong just out of spite! He also said stupid stuff like asking me if I'd help him find someone else, and that the next time he found someone he hoped they had parents. He just added to my feelings of being unloveable....and resentment. Thing is...I realize that HE was the one who felt unlovable, which is why he would never "fight" for us in the first place.<p>"Can I throw out a hypothetical question... if your H had broken off all contact with you - in a "loving way" (i.e., I can't see or speak to you because it hurts too much, knowing that you're with OM) - how might that have affected your perspective during the A?"<p>Well...that's kind of hard to say. At the time all I wanted was freedom...freedom from guilt, freedom from caretaking everyone else but me...I wanted some BREATHING SPACE. If my H could have done the above and done it with STRENGTH...I would have respected him more and maybe pulled out of my funk. Instead he allowed me to continue to "do" for him...which was mainly out of guilt...and it just totally fed my resentment. If he had said...you're either in or you're out...I think our process would have been much more expedient instead of dragging on for 2 years. We really SHOULD have seperated COMPLETELY instead of so painfully sloooooooow.<p>"How important was being ALONE and AWAY from H in coming to the point where your feelings started to change? Could you have done it in the same house, do you think (again, hypothetical)?"<p>No, I do not beleive I could have. For one thing when you are in the same house, how much alone time do you really get to think? With my son spending half the time at his dads, I GOT that important me time. Plus I proved to my H that in fact I COULD do it on my own. He gained more respect for me. ALSO...I began to see how much I'd taken my H for granted! I accused him of that for so long, yet with him out of my life I got a good taste of what he really added to it. I even missed his snoring at night, because I had become accustomed to it...it meant he was there with me. Nights without him were very very quiet. I became accustomed to that too, but I didn't like it.<p>"Another hypothetical... if you had to be around OM frequently, such as having to work with him during the A, do you think it would have been harder for you to stop?"<p>Yes. I am self employed and I had a lot of freedom to do what I do during the days...freedom from both H and the OM...and it allowed me time to think. If the OM or the H had been around me, I believe it would have been next to impossible to think clearly.<p>"I guess what I'm trying to get at is the process that took place for you to go from seeing him one way (totally "in love") to a completely different way (selfish, etc.) - whether that shift would be able to take place with nearly constant contact. (You can tell this is what I'm wrestling with - WW and OM work very closely - she's his mentor!)"<p>Can this process still take place? I spose it's possible, but I would think it would elongate it, if not completely skew the outcome. Your thinking is NOT CLEAR when the other person is around. Just the SMELL of them affects you...no matter how much you try to deny it. Everyone says over and over and over, and nobody seems to listen...the best thing a WS can do for THEMSELVES, the OTHER and their MARRIAGE is to step back from ALL OF IT...NO CONTACT...and just be by yourself long enough to regain clarity. And I think it's important in that time to have a good counselor or support group with HEALTHY ideas on personal growth.<p>"The WS is missing out on what could have been a nice friendship with OP, instead of having to avoid them forever."<p>This is truly a terrible consequence. The OM and I WERE friends for years...and we would have continued to be so...and honestly if something would have ever happend to my H, if the OM had still been single I think everyone would have been THRILLED for us...my H even said that...that the OM would be who he would have wanted to take care of us IF something had happend to him. Now we can't even be friends. He won't even talk to my H. We both avoid any of our original social groupings so as not to bump into each other. People around here may not "know" for sure...but it's pretty darn obvious that SOMETHING has happend.<p>Anyway, I hope that helps at all. Feel free to ask more.

Thank you so much!<p>My wife is so confused right now. She admits to me that she loves me, she knows it was a mistake to do this (A), but she can't seem to stop herself. Even when things go bad with OM, she still hangs in there, sometimes I think simply because of the constant contact - it's so easy for it to reignite. She's a very smart woman, and so when I see the fact that she admits her relationship with OM is very "up and down", it frustrates the living daylights out of me - she'd never take that from me!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] So of course I'm interested in understanding how other WS's have worked their way through the mental quicksand, back to reality.<p>She's so scared about leaving (she knows its a crazy idea - she'd have to move overseas, her family would disown her, even admits I'm "best" for her, etc.), but doesn't have the power to break it off. And being around me - I suspect is becoming a liability. I'm seeing that I have to push her off the fence. Sigh.

Soooo true JR. She wouldn't take that off of you or anyone else under normal circumstances! She's hooked...and it's a hard hook to dig out. You also said something else that stuck out to me. You said she says you are "best" for her. Well..that's probly part of the problem right now! As long as she sees you as the "right" choice instead of HER choice she will have a hard time committing to the marriage. Do you understand what I mean by that? Many times I decided to work things out with the H because it was the "right" thing to do...but it took realizing that it's what I WANTED to do and to have reasons to back it up. I "thought" the crap out of what was the "right" thing to do. Guess what...there is NO PERFECT RIGHT. There is good and bad with any relationship. I couldn't bare the thought that X amount of years down the road I would be faced with the same dilemma again in any new relationship and THEN I would decide to put the work into the relationship...hardly fair to my son, my H or myself. Why not put the work into the one I've already put so much into!<p>It sounds like you two have a really good chance for her to still make the right choice. Pushing her off the fence would probly do it. It's scary and painful...but if that's what it takes. She needs to make a choice...and then back it up with action. If she knows you are the "right" choice, then she needs to commit and that means no more contact with the OM...period. It would be a good idea for her to see a counselor too.<p>I hope things work out for you! Good luck! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]