Can things get much bumpier today?<p>Ok, I&#8217;m gonna try to put this in as brief of a form as I can, so here&#8217;s hoping you can catch all of what I&#8217;m writing. Also, please understand that I am living up to my name today (those who have young children will understand better). You see Tutter is a spazzy blue mouse from a child&#8217;s program Bear in the Big Blue House. Today I&#8217;m stressed, emotional, spazzy, etc. Ok, here goes. . .<p>Last night went well. I apologized to hubby for if I made him feel bad or negative. I told him his feelings matter and I&#8217;m sorry about that. Even though he said he was fine he seemed to appreciate my acknowledging his feelings and thanked me. The rest of the evening was real nice, and even had quite a bit of passion in it.<p>So, this morning he seemed to have a chip on his shoulder when he left for work. When I asked about it he said he was tired. When I got to work I just got all frazzled and stressed with work. I was in tears and just beside myself. Letting little things with work get to me, etc. So, later hubby calls with a question about the banking. I guess I was a bit snippy and when we got off the phone his bye seemed a bit short. I e-mailed him about being so negative toward and that I&#8217;d had a rough morning, etc. I guess it could have been written in a better tone, but anyway. In crossing he sent me an e-mail about how I made him feel stupid and got in a tiff because he &#8220;didn&#8217;t understand&#8221;. At the end he wrote &#8220;I guess old habits just don&#8217;t die young&#8221;. I wrote back very apologitic about how I made him feel and expressed that I in no way think he&#8217;s stupid. I again said I was having a rough day, etc. Then I pointed out that his comment hurt and that I am really trying and all. He again wrote back with another dig and somewhat confrontational. I didn&#8217;t want to continue this confrontation. I wrote back apologizing again for the way I made him feel. No response. Then I wrote him about something the Bishop said at my nephews confirmation this weekend. I told him that I wanted to spend the rest of my life making him happy, and a couple of other nice things. I said that if there is something I&#8217;m not doing or something else I could be doing to let me know because I just want us to be happy. We talked, and that wasn&#8217;t quite too good either. However, the thing that sticks out the most is his comment in one e-mail that yes something has been on his mind, that maybe he feels he&#8217;s being played the fool. I mentioned that I&#8217;ve asked him just about every day if something was bothering him, but he hasn&#8217;t talked to me. He said I&#8217;m not always the easiest person to talk. Ok, that&#8217;s true, but I&#8217;m trying and I am getting better. Then he said that he&#8217;s afraid to tell me too much because if I&#8217;m still doing it (the affair) it will just give me more ways to work around him. I so feel like I&#8217;m going nowhere fast right now.<p>Anyhow, I&#8217;m having an altogether crummy day, and I just wish one aspect, my marriage, wouldn&#8217;t be that way right now. I guess I just needed to vent and talk to others who would understand exactly how I am feeling right now. Thanks for taking the time to read this. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Crud tutter...you think you're making progress and *poof* you're back at square one. I've told you before and I'll tell you again..it takes commitment and effort from BOTH of you...that INCLUDES him. You can't MAKE him trust you...all you can do is tell him and SHOW him you mean what you say. He's still harboring issues...issues YOU can't deal with for him. He HAS to do some work, no matter how much he wishes he didn't have to. He is communicating now..which is better than not at all...and maybe, once again, fear is causing him to exaggerate his thoughts and feelings...but still, he IS HAVING these thoughts and feelings. My H used "you're hard to talk to" as an excuse for not speaking time and time again. That's an unfair accusation...no matter how difficult it might be for HIM to have a conversation about his feelings...that doesn't make it YOUR FAULT that he didn't. Have you two ever started seeing a counselor? They could be a really good sounding board. You have us...but who does he have? Optimally that would be you, but right now it might do him good to have another source as well. I hope things look up for you tutter...you really are trying very hard. And, FYI, tutter is my most favorite little blue spazzy mouse, LOL!

One of the last sentences said it all to me..... <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Then he said that he&#8217;s afraid to tell me too much because if I&#8217;m still doing it (the affair) it will just give me more ways to work around him. <hr></blockquote><p>I think he has discovered something, or something has triggered him. And he wants to talk to you about it, but does not want to disclose his source so that you're not able to elimanate the source.

My off the top of my head... initial response is that you are WAY OVERANALYZING stuff and taking responsibility for stuff you shouldn't... i.e. his feelings about how you say something...<p>If you're a reader, try to get don Miguel Ruiz's book "The Four Agreements." It changed me and my interactions w/ others... <p>I WAS a guilt-ridden, think about all the things I said wrong kinda person... NOW... I just make sure that what I am saying follows the four agreements and KNOW that I am NOT responsible for how another feels regarding what I've said or how I've said something...<p>The other part of that is to read Harley's book "LoveBusters." Again, when I eliminated Lovebusters from my conversation, I could relax knowing that I was using my adult voice.<p>Finally, everyone has bad days... sometimes PMS takes over and I AM CRANKY!!! Sometimes I just have to forgive myself and move on... knowing that I do my best and my best is all I can give.<p>Hugs and I hope you have a better day.<p>Cali

Thanks you gals. I knew I could count on you for some input. Hope, as usual, you take things apart for me and help me to clearly see what I already know but is clouded at the moment. Lexxy, as for him finding something out - there's nothing to find out, but I do believe I may have triggered something yesterday and that could be a source. Thanks for pointed that out. Cali, thanks for the book ideas. I think I'm going to check them out. I have this problem that when he does fall a little back on the good feelings that I tend to be paranoid for awhile. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my long vent and even more for taking the time to respond.

Men!?! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Ok, I just talked to hubby and he seems to be in a much better mood. He even gave me an I love you before we hung up. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I just don't get him sometimes. I guess it's just one of those things - the BS has every right to be Prince/Princess Charming [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] one minute, and Lucifer [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] the next. So, I just wanted to give you guys all an update. Also, I sent him an e-mail expressing how I can understand his fears of opening up and becoming vulnerable which would enable him to get possibly hurt again. I expressed how much he means to me and how I care about his feelings. I let him know that it's ok to feel that way and then I reassured him that I love him very much and will never hurt him again. I think we will have a good evening and hopefully a great weekend. Thank you all again for taking the time to help me out. It's been a very emotional day for me, but I'm feeling a lot better now. Besides, work is over in an hour. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Have a fabulous weekend everyone.

"work ends in an hour"<p>Brag brag brag, LOL! H and I are going for an overnight getaway tonight! My sil is keeping our son for the night and we're heading to the city! We were going to go out to eat and a movie, but I think by the time we actually get out of here we'll only have time to go out to eat. But..that's just all the sooner we can get to a hotel [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] With my business being run out of our home and a 3.5 yr old we just NEVER get any US time. An occasional evening bath and by then we're so tired we barely notice we're NAKED! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Tonight...we'll pay special attention [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I hope things are as wonderful as you hope for tutter! Maybe H was just having a case of the dumps. Cya!

Good for you Hope. I hope [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] that you guys have a wonderful time. Enjoy!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Tutter,<p>Something went off in my head as I read this thread, so you may want to give this some thought. First of all, I think I have become very good at faking it around my H. What is going on and can be seen from the outside probably doesn't give any clue as to what is going on on the inside. Everything you all see here on this board my H never sees or, at best, might see the tip of the iceberg.<p>Secondly, what is going on inside is that I frequently replay everything, basically the entire M, but most relevantly the time of the A and since. This mostly happens when triggered. And what happens is all the discrepancies start standing out, and that's when I go to my journal and write them down for whenever my H is ready to deal with it without insulting my intelligence.<p>Your H's statement clicked on that part of me, and I wonder if he is pondering any discrepancies that haven't been explained or resolved. This could be a discrepancy between word and deed. A timeframe discrepancy. Story not matching up with reality, logic, or what you know about the person.<p>One big one in my case is my H's insistence that he always used condoms with OW, yet he and I both tested positive for an STD that I previously tested negative for on my prenatal lab work. Also, it doesn't make sense that he would use condoms with her since he was so convinced she was "clean" and he was planning to leave me for her and be exclusively with her.<p>He never used condoms with me from the first time on. He also denies oral sex, which I find laughable since that was the first thing he did with me. He has yet to face and admit these discrepancies and resolve them.<p>Another one was his insistence that the time they did it in the car, it was her car and not his. But then, when he finally told me the "whole story", the narrative about that day included something about them going from their original rendezvous point to the park where they did it. I have known this man for 11 years now, and he has NEVER let me drive when he is in the car, so it would be highly out of character for him to sit in the passenger side of her car while she drove to the park.<p>I'm still not sure I buy his explanation about this discrepancy, because it just raised more discrepancies, but about a month ago he wanted me to go with him in his car, and I told him that before I set foot in that car and before he stole any more of my dignity, he'd better tell me the truth about that day in the park and that if I smelled even one whiff of deception I would spend the rest of the day finding out the truth, no matter what it took.<p>His story is they each drove their own car to the park from the bar and he got into her car once they got there. His explanation for not using his car was that they always sat in her car to say good-byes and stuff and he didn't want to use his car for anything like that because the kids and I might use it, which is in direct contradiction to his assertion that he wasn't thinking about me and the kids during his pursuit of the A, so like I said, more discrepancies unresolved.<p>I really resent these conversations where he expects me to check my brain at the door, which is why I have quit initiating them. If he doesn't get real about all this stuff, I will eventually walk. He has abused this so many times now that it will take him coming to me and confessing the truth about these things spontaneously to have any chance of repairing the damage. It doesn't sound that you've followed my H's course, but you may have inadvertently left some loose ends.<p>Anyway, that gives you some idea of what could be spinning around in your H's head. It could be something that is crystal clear to you, but still muddied up from where he's standing. I don't know how you could possibly guess what it is unless he may have mentioned it before and you can remember whether he seemed satisfied with your explanation or not. I guess you could just ask him if you've answered all of his questions about the events to his satisfaction, whether he feels that he knows everything he needs to know.<p>If he feels that he's being "played a fool", then it may be that he is uncomfortable about something that didn't sit right, but he didn't call you on it because it wasn't the major issue at the time, but it's just never gone away and keeps nagging at him and especially when triggered, stands up and says, Pay attention to me!<p>One thing you could try is a variation of what some BSs have done and share the "puzzle letter" ( http://www.suite101.com/mypage.cfm/contactliz/10633 )
or even this post with him and ask if there is anything like that left unresolved in his mind and demonstrate your willingness to take care of any unfinished business to his satisfaction.<p>[ February 22, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>