Last week we ended several months of MC. SW told us that if I was unwilling to put my need to know the what, when, and why on the back burner in order to work on the M, there was nothing more that could be done.<p>I was resigned to filing for divorce. Then my WS fell apart and told me a few things that I thought might be truthful. Of course it was nothing concrete. Story of our lives....never ever tell me concrete things in response to questions about issues. Usually just lies. I've told WS that I am still thinking over whether I will file, but I think I've made a decision.<p>When I went to the IC, what she told me totally destroyed any hope I might have had for any future. WS has a personality disorder that causes S to compartmentalize everything to the extent that each compartment is a separate life. I'm in one compartment and I'm sure there are others in the other compartments. WS claims to only have had an EA with a coworker, but IC says she's pretty sure this is not the case. She says that if the opportunity arose there is no possible way that WS would think of me AT ALL. There have been a number of coworker relationships over the past 20 years that I have questioned only to have the idea poo pooed by WS as my being jealous. I was preoccupied with other things like night school and new jobs when all this occurred, and I've acknowledged my role in enabling these to happen and continue.<p>WS's disorder makes him incapable of empathy, feelings, conscience, etc. All of this is masked in a guise of doing "heroic" things that appear to be "taking care" of me but are really all for show...not due to love for me. Everything WS does is for the purpose of WS getting something in return....admiration, praise, attention from others, etc. Nothing is done due to love for another.<p>I'm struggling with all of this because I meant my vows when I spoke them. Because WS is not conscious of what he does and cannot control it, I feel like any A's, the deceit, etc., were not done TO ME. Also, since I have no concrete evidence that PA's occurred, I have no way of knowing for sure if it did. Aside from a PI catching WS "in the act", I can't prove it. WS had birth control with WS on days that I was not around, there were hang up calls, and new interest in appearance and hygiene, but no proof.<p>Individuals with this type of disorder are survivors and always seem to land on their feet. They seek out individuals who are very trusting and caring. My family members never lied to each other, so I've always prided myself on being very honest, and I've always expected other people to be that way to me. My WS is the complete opposite. WS can lie to me while staring me straight in the eye without any difficulty.<p>WS also cycles between being nasty, loud, abusive, and slamming things to acting like none of that ever happened and being very loving. Constant turmoil and chaos keeping me off balance is a game. WS is very competitive. I think the reason WS is upset about possible D is that is considered losing...not losing me....just losing. IC says probably 30% of WS's upset over D is about losing me and the rest is about losing period.<p>There's no trust left, and knowing everything I now know (the blinders are definitely off), I don't think it could ever be restored. The IC wants us to start MC with a new C, but after everything she's told me, I don't understand what benefit we'll receive from it. She's told me there's no "cure" for this disorder, that any change will be temporary for a week or two and then WS will go back to the PD's "normal" which is very strange, and I just don't know what good will come out of it.<p>Anyone have any thoughts?

I'm confused. What disorder does your H have? Has he had an affair?

You are in a tough situation. When going by the Harley principles, it is suggested that a M cannot be worked on when there is an addiction (or illness?) present. <p>If you are truly certain that your WS cannot 'recover' from his 'frame of mind' ( [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I'm not sure how else to word it), then recovering your M would be that much more difficult. You risk not getting YOUR needs met.<p>I get the impression that you are tired, and don't want to work towards recovery. Is there a chance that you could move into a mini plan B, and distance yourself from your H for a week, or two, or three, to sort things out for yourself?<p>Karen

It's Narcissistic Personality Disorder. All the signs were there that a PA did occur, but WS will only admit to an EA. WS constantly complained about SF with me, and gut instinct is that one did occur despite WS's denials.

Yes what is the disorder? Alot of this sounds like my WS. Every section of her life is like a compartment. Extremely competitive.

Thanks Topie<p>I am tired...exhausted actually. Tired of the competition...tired of not being heard....tired of never being good enough...tired of constantly wondering what will happen next...tired of never being heard (because none of my feelings, thoughts, or things I say matter unless they also matter to WS)....tired of lying awake for several hours every night worrying about the destruction of my M while WS peacefully sleeps...tired of trying to get some portion of the truth only to be ignored and placated. I feel like a gerbil in a glass cage frantically fighting against a slippery wall. <p>IC says WS will not leave, and I've been advised legally not to leave. So the chances of me being away from WS are not good. Last week I tried to go off on my own for a while, but that lead to WS coming to me and telling me a few unconcrete things, and I have no way of knowing if they're true.<p>I'm just very sad, frustrated, and disappointed.