I have been married for 17 years and with my husband for a total of 21 years. I have been faithful and supportive for all of our marriage. My husband is accusing me of having an affair. I went and had 2 polygraph tests, which I passed, and he still does not believe me. I do not know what to do. I love this man and can not imagine being without him. I did not mess up our marriage, but he will not concider or admit that he could be wrong. We have been going to a psychologist since December and I do not feel this is helping. He tells me he will stay with me if I just admit what I did, but I have not been with anyone to admit to! What do you do in this situation? I love my husband and want to stay with him. He is very close to leaving me for 'lying' to him for so long, but I have not been lying. Please help me. There are not any books or websites for people who did not do it, only for those who have had an affair. I could not even find a good place to post this on this website. I am hopeful that someone will have some good advice for me.

What evidence does you husband think he has? Tell us more about why he thinks you've had an affair.<p>As for support sites. I wonder if there are any for jealousy

Well, this topic has been discussed before. Please share a bit more with us. Most of the time this type of accusation is covering over a totally different issue (meant to throw you off the track). <p>I think you came to the right place. Also the emoitional needs board can be supportive on this topic but I think there is more to this than his accusations. <p>re: I was accused of that also. Hm..... I am the BS and my H is the one that had the A. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

I tried to improve our sex life by spicing things up, trying new positions, stoping and picking up lingure and bubble bath. Doing things that I thought would please him. (I should add that my son just started middle school and my children don't really need me to fuss over them anymore. I guess I felt like we were neglecting each other over the years as a lot of people do when their children are young) At first he said it felt like we were teenagers again. Then he became suspicious and asked me who taught me the new things we were doing. He has always been a very jealous man. He saw me look, stare across the room at another man, which to him confirmed his suspicions and that must have been the man. (incidently, I have never spoken to this man) He has taken chance things that have happened and turned them into his evidence. I had a yeast infection before I started this 'new us' thing and he claims I did not, that I did not have sex with him in that time frame because I was with someone else. I have gone as far as producing receipts for meds. I do not believe that he has had an affair, although he threatens me that he will to make up for what I have done, but I have not. The psychologist we see tells him that he does not believe that I have had an affair. <p>I don't know what to do. My husband tells me that he does not want to live a lie. If he leaves me for having an affair, he will be living a lie. He is very close to leaving and I don't want to loose him.<p>Please help!

Whoa.....this is a hard one. Here are some suggestions and then let's try to get you more support. K?<p>1. find a time when the 2 of you are alone. Let your H know that you have been deeply troubled. <p>2. Ask your H what he feels it would take to restore trust in your relationship. <p>3. Listen to his answers. <p>4. Ask him if lying to him will restore trust. The answer better be NO. If you see him wiggle then you know he has something else to tell you.
If he says of course not, then proceed cautiously and tell him that you have been honest but if he does not subscribe to honesty then resorting to lying to keep him may not be what you can do. <p>5. Then ask him if he had or is having an A. If he vehemently denies it, listen don't press it further just watch his actions. <p>6. He may become more accusatory. Depending on if he is hiding something or not. <p>7. Offer to let him go and speak to someone else (friend or relative) about his suspicions about you having an A. If they are 'convinced', then let him know you will listen to them try to convince you of what you did not do. <p>Does this sound like babble? yes because it is. In item 7, you are now letting him try his line of reasoning on someone else who will not allow him to force a lie on them. It does matter who is chosen since you do not want someone who already has a reputation of being a liar. <p>Does this make sense?<p>L.

I have done very similar things to what you have told me. I have encouraged him to call people, and he has. When they say they did not think so, his response is that he knows me better than anyone else and knows for a fact that I have.... even though I have not. He has talked to his mom, my mom, his sister..... etc. No one is able to persuade him to believe that he may be wrong about this. I have been living this for 4 months now and I am loosing my sanity along with my ability to cope. I feel invisible. What good is it being a good girl if nobody knows it?<p>Thanks and please help!

This situation sucks. I agree with Orchid. My wife went all the way back to when we were dating to try and say I had had sex with someone else. No matter that the truth is that I did not. <p> I believe as Orchid says. She did this to try and throw me off on what she herself was doing. Sad thing is, I think she actually believes I did. I think it is just a way for them to feel better about what they are doing. <p> If your husband has not had an affair....I would first try some of Orchids suggestions. If nothing works....well, tell him again that you have not, but that he is pushing you in that direction. Which may not work either, especially if he has had an affair himself.<p> Make sure he understands. If you are going to get this crap from now on, one day he may get exactly what he is saying you did. And that you don't want that, you want him. But he is driving you insane.<p> This is one of the hardest things to try and deal with. Believe me I know. <p> Please, no matter what you tell your husband, never have an affair. When you get to the end of your rope, leave the man, divorce him, whatever. BUT NEVER HAVE AN AFFAIR, even if you feel with everything that you are it is the right thing to do. It is not.<p> I really feel for you. I hope he wakes up.<p> jd

I really need help here. He is ready to walk out and I feel like I am the only one trying. I guess that makes me rather pathetic. I am trying to hold on to someone that accuses me of lying all of the time without any proof. Anything I say, he has no trust in me. Is it stupid for me to keep trying?

There has to be something deeper driving this. I've been sailing these waters for over a year now, and the usual initial response for a betrayed spouse is denial, not baseless accusation. If he has no solid evidence that you have been unfaithful, then he is either creating a huge smokescreen for himself to hide in, or he is really needing some psychological help for his destructive (self and marriage) behavior. <p>Does he present any concrete evidence to you at all?

Oh, I should add, you can only control what you do...what he does, you can try to influence it, but he'll do what he decides to do. Take care of yourself and you wonderful children first. Control what you can, leave to God the rest.<p>Rusty

((( PureHeart )))<p>Please don't be offended .....<p>Does your H have any sort of psychiatric disorder? Is he generally suspicious of things he sees .... like what he reads in the newspaper ...... or is it you and you alone that he is suspicious of?<p>Also, how long has he been acting this way? Did he suddenly change, or has he been this way for years and years? Is he also having physical complaints as well? Weight loss? Weakness? Balance problems? Headaches?<p>[everyone else, I am a health care provider, and sometimes people CAN have illnesses that cause bizarre, abrupt personality changes .... that's why I'm asking this queer question]<p>Pepper<p>[ February 24, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

I hate to beg, but I need some help here.

PureHeart,<p>To help you, we have questions to get at the root of this.<p>In your H's previous relationships, was there cheating or unfaithfulness? And if so, who did the cheating, him or the other party?<p>Was there perhaps infidelity in your H's family of origin? You know, his mom and dad?<p>Just trying to glean all facets of possibilities.<p>Jo

PureHeart, <p>If you can not convince your H that you have been faithful, then you will just have to let him go. His reasons are not being clear to you and IMHO, you need to tell him that. <p>ex1: 'Well honey, you have accused me of having something of an A, I have not. You still do not believe me so if you must leave because you choose to believe a lie, then that is what you must do. I need to let you know that then anyone who asks will be told that you (h) choose to make up a kooky story, make up a lie and throw away his family.'<p>ex2: 'I love you but don't understand your accusations. Who is helping you come up with these crazy accusations? I sure would like to talk with them. If you prefer to listen to 'them' then the truth then you are choosing to throw your family away.'<p>ex3: 'Please let me know who I am 'supposed' to have an A with? If you are going to leave me at least I would like to know who to blame for defaming my character and for confusing my H.' <p>ex4: 'You are not making sense. You can come back and talk with me when you are able to tell me something that I actually did.'<p>Then stick to those words. Of course say it only if you can mean it. Yes, it may mean him moving out. That is hard but he will do it anyway. But this time he will be moving out not as the victim but as the liar who choose to make up a kooky story and throw away his family. <p>I am sorry you are dealing with this. There is no magical cure or words to stop his sordid course. We can only help you protect yourself.<p>The above words were very similar to what I actually told my H. H knew I meant it so that is the chance he took and now his bad decision is not a secret. Of course it was never a secret to begin with. You may find later that others will give you more info so that this 'foggy' picture he painted will become clearer for you and then you will have a better chance to assess your situation. <p>Take Care,
L.<p>[ February 24, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

This is my first post on this forum.
I have read all the responses to this point, and I am intrigued by the angle Pepperband has presented. You have been married to this man for 17 years, and known him for several years before that. Is he as irrational as you make him seem, or are there some things you are keeping to yourself? It seems to me that if H went off the deep end because you looked at some nobody, you could not have lasted 17 years. Does he have valid reasons to be suspicious? What kind of new sexual positions would freak him after 20+ years? I don't mean to offend, but you DO sound like 'grounded' person, so how could you have put up with a suspicous H for so long? (My H was a jealous type and we lasted 3 years!)<p>I'll be looking for your reply!
Bobbie O.